Coming Out to my Parents?

[Everybody's Watson]

If I say anything offensive, please know that it is not intentional; I am simply speaking my mind, and I sincerely apologize if I offend anyone in any way.

Coming out to my parents shouldn't be a big deal to me because my family has been with my for my whole life, and they know who I am. After all, asexuality is just another facet of my personality; it's who I always have been, but the only difference now is that I finally have a word for it. However, I have been contemplating on how to tell them that that facet exists, or even if I should. I'm afraid of how they would react, and if they would look at me any differently.

One problem is that they may already know. I forgot that my e-mail is linked to theirs, and, ironically, in the process of signing up for this website, the confirmation e-mail was sent to their account as well. They may or may not have seen the e-mail before I deleted it. And I may be seeing things were there isn't anything there, but ever since that day, my mother has been seeming to make a point of supporting LGBTQA more than usual, and my father seems to have avoided talking to me at length. Like I said, maybe I'm seeing things that aren't there. But still, whether or not they already know, I'd like to try and sit them down to tell them. My siblings already know, and they support me, but I don't really like keeping something like this from them.

I think that my mom will be moderately okay with it. Like I said, she seems to be open to the idea of having and LGBTQA child. My father is the one I worry about. He has made a point of being severely against anything that isn't heterosexual heteroromantic. I don't want to stress our already-fragile relationship. Plus he has a lot to deal with right now; I don't want to put this thing on his plate as well.

So here is the question(s): should I come out to my parents? And if so, how would you suggest I go about it? Or is this even a big deal? I mean, why would they really care that I don't want to have sex? How did people react when you guys came out, or am I not the only one still keeping this relatively close to my chest? Or am I needlessly worrying? Any helpful advice you have is welcome. Thank you for your time, and have a wonderful day/night/evening/afternoon/morning. :)

[Karret]

Hmmmm maybe you could figure out a way to introduce the topic of asexuality to her without immediately stating it to gauge a potential reaction from her. Then maybe proceed depending on how she reacts. If you're able to talk about it with her/she's accepting yadda yadda, then maybe you could talk to her about if it's worth it to tell your dad or how to bring up the subject or something. o woa

I haven't really said much to my mom, I think I mentioned it at least once, but I don't remember what her reaction was. Luckily, there's no pressure from her or my step dad to try to date, so I haven't felt a need to really say anything about it.

[Zsareph]

Hi there. I haven't come out to my parents yet. I have tried telling my mother but she never believes me, but luckily I know she'll be ok with it if I can actually convince her (still working on that). As for fathers, I understand where you're coming from. My dad has never explicitly said anything anti LGBTQA but I can tell that he'd rather me be a heterosexual and marry and have children etc, so I'm still tiptoeing around telling him for a while.

Looking at your situation, I think it would be best to talk to your mother first. From what I've read, she should accept it rather easily. Perhaps having her on side will make it easier to tell your dad, maybe you could even ask her for help on the best way to say anything. Also, don't feel pressured to say anything straight away. If you really think he'll react badly then not telling him is always a possibility, or waiting until a time you might feel more comfortable doing so.

I hope this helps a little. Like I said, I haven't come out to my parents either so I can't say how useful this is. You know your parents more than I do so do what you think is best, just try not to rush into it or panic. :)

[lycanrising]

The answer to the question of "should you" is, in my opinion, almost always "only if you want to." The only exception is if it's a relationship partner in which case the answer is "you should."

So your parents are entirely optional; it's up to you to decide if telling them is something important to you.

Karret makes a good point about "testing the waters".

My thoughts are to go in prepared. Remember, you're not trying to explain asexuality per-se, you're trying to explain your own feelings. So be sure you can explain how you feel about both your sexual and romantic orientation and how you view relationships.

It's also worth being prepared with internet resources. A number of times parents have a "it's a phase" moment. And that's understandable, they're used to their child going "I really want X" and then shortly after going "I don't care about X any more."

The use of having internet resources is to prove that actually this isn't a sudden wishful desire, this is how you feel. And you're not the only one that does.

Side note: "it's a phase" argument doesn't even make sense. If someone says it's a phase then they're admitting that this is how I feel now and so they should accept that.

Is this a big deal?

That depends on whether it's important to you, that's not for anyone else to tell you.

Why would they care if you don't want to have sex?

Some parents really want grandchildren, some want to see you happy like they are/were. Perhaps many other reasons.

How did people react to me?

I've only told friends so far and the reaction has been fine. But my friendship circle is very open minded and so that's not such a big thing for them, others experience the opposite reactions. It all depends on the people and the culture.

Are you needlessly worrying?

No, not in the slightest. It's perfectly normal.

To summarise, it's up to you. If it's important enough to you that you want your parents to know, then you should ensure you understand your argument back to front and test the water slowly with it.

[The Emerald]

Side note: "it's a phase" argument doesn't even make sense. If someone says it's a phase then they're admitting that this is how I feel now and so they should accept that.

Why would they care if you don't want to have sex?

Some parents really want grandchildren, some want to see you happy like they are/were. Perhaps many other reasons.

My mother used that argument on me and after the talk I was just like "screw that!" She also asked if I wanted kids but I told her if she ever heard of adoption.

Yeah, for some parents it's to have grandbabies but for me anyone's parents solely wanting their kids to have sex (for mine it's within marriage) without thinking of their child's sexuality is selfish. Not everyone is good with kids, and I am only decent with them.

Anyway, just wanted to add to that topic.

[RobAceT]

I too am debating whether to come out to my parents and after reading your post am in a similar situation. Thank you for bringing the matter to everyone’s attention, i hope the feedback you get from the community will help you in your decision and it may help me

As for advice all i can say is do what you think is right, only you are the judge of that :)

[not vic]

Yeah, I am similarly conflicted. Only I know that my parents don't know what asexuality is and would probably say that I am too you to know that I do not feel sexual attraction. My family do not really talk about any of this stuff anyway but my dad hates that my sister has a boyfriend so maybe he will be pleased about my asexuality... Although there is a high likelihood he will deny its existence. What I am most afraid of is that they will be indifferent, because that will feel like this part of me is not worthy of their concern.

I have sort of rehearsed my 'coming-out: speech where I would ask "what would you say if I told you I was gay? I'm not but..." Then show them the advice for parents page on aven

There's also the whole panrpmantic thing I would have to cover...

I am lucky that they are accept on of most alternate sexualities but I just don't really know what they'd think of mine...

If they already suspect that you are ace then coming out might seem logical, however maybe you should just discuss asexuality as a thing you are interested in as oppose to part of your identity, telling them that you may or may not be ace but this should not change their perception of you. People's understanding change and your dad could become more open minded with knowledge.

No one has the right to know your orientation, and coming out is not something you should do unless being'in'is uncomfortable for you.

[GwendolynAngel83]

I know exactly where you're coming from, but for me it's the oposite. Mo mom is completely 100% against homsexuality and I'm scared how she'll react when I finally tell her, but my dad is completely chill. I've spoken to him on this before (back before I had a word for my feelings). He's not really pro homosexuality, but he's level headed and logical so he doesn't, like, freak out.

I agree with what some of the others have mentioned, test the waters, mayb since she's supporting the LGBT community bring up a conversation about the different types and see what she says? For your dad...I wish I had answers for you there, but then I'd have answers for myself and my close friend (who came out to her mom and her mom still hasn't stopped being angry about it)

[Everybody's Watson]

Thank you to everyone who has responded to my post. I think I might try testing the waters a bit, as it's very possible she doesn't know that this orientation exists. However, that might not end up so well, as subtly is not my strong suit. As my family says, I'm so overt I'm covert. =P I have practiced a sort of "coming out speech" for my parents a couple times, trying to make it should as solid and informative as I can, but I know that as soon as I get in front of them and start to speak, all of the preparation will go right out the window. I would possibly consider telling my mom first on a one-on-one basis, but she's as bad at keeping secrets as I am, and my dad would know almost as soon as she does. I love my mother dearly, but there's no secrets between her and my father.

Anyway, thank you all for the advice. It has really helped me sort things out. And to those of you in similar situations, I wish you all the luck in the world with your families, and may their reactions be gracious and accepting. :)