In a Relationship, When is a Good Time to Tell your Partner you are Asexual, and Possibly Explain that you are Aromantic?

[xMinMinx]

I guess my question is mainly geared towards dating sexuals but nonetheless...

I mean lets say you guys really hit it off and enjoy talking, laughing, cooking together, etc

You haven't "done it" or kissed...

Might've held hands a couple of times...

So when would you tell them?

The very beginning? A week? Two Weeks? Right when they misconceive a knee-squeeze or a long hug and things started heading in the more sexual direction??? RIGHT BEFORE THE WEDDING?!

LOL

If the chemistry is good, why acknowledge the absence of sex and ruin it?? (I don't mind, but the statement refers to the sexual wanting to cease the relationship).

I have never dated, no active interest; the modern dating culture happens to strike me as very interesting is all.

So I was just wondering...

When is a good time during the relationship to tell someone you're an ace (and possibly aro, etc.)?

How did you do it??

Cheers y'all!

.

[Sally]

Right away, as it will only get more difficult for both parties if you wait.

I didn't know I was asexual (never heard the term when I was younger; just thought I needed more (and more and more...) practice), and boy was it REALLY hard to tell my last partner after we'd been together for a long time.

[Tyto_alba]

I didn't know I was ace in my first relationship. I felt broken for most of it. And although not the cited reason for the break up, it was a major factor.

I told the last too people that I was ace when it was admitted that there was mutual liking going on. The first panicked and said she wasn't interested anymore. The second was extremely supportive. If I hadn't told the first upfront, we probably would have ended up dating, but I feel like saying something upfront is still the best option. Better than them finding out later and freaking out. That would be a mess.

[Ricecream-man]

I'm a little confused. Could you explain the nature of being in a relationship when you're aromantic?

[Scottthespy]

I'm in Ricecream-man's confusion boat. As an aromantic ace, I form close platonic friendships, and actively discourage any one from even joking about being my boyfriend pr girlfriend. If you're aromantic, why on earth would you be forming romantic relationships in the first place? That would denote a bit of...I dunno...demiromantisism? Is that a thing?

But yes, as soon as is possible. As soon as you can work it into the conversation without it seeming out of the blue. "Do you like tuna?" "I'm asexual." Not a good time. "So...I like girls with (your color) of hair..." "Ok...this might be a good time to bring up something that might seem a little strange..." Don't leave it. You'll just end up forming a stronger bond that makes the break hurt more...you'd also, in a way, be lying to the prospective partner, since expecting that a romantic relationship will turn sexual is the norm for 99% of the population. Lying by omission is still cruel. You'd just end up being that bitch/bastard who mislead and toyed with their heart.

Hell, even if you TELL them right away quick, it still sometimes turns out that way. I had a friend who admitted intense romantic interest in me, and I shut him down as gently as possible, and he seemed cool about it, but two years later he was ranting that I was cold heartless, emotionless, and had deliberately messed with his head and feelings just for laughs. Then again, this guy was of the opinion that a 'friendship' with a girl was wasted time if it didnt end in romance, and was under the very naive impression that because he was a 'nice guy' and he 'really really liked me', that the power of high school movies would magically make me love him, because he deserved it. So...he was a bit of a loon all round, and probably not a typical case.

[xMinMinx]

I'm a little confused. Could you explain the nature of being in a relationship when you're aromantic?

well, there are some (not all) aros who are comfortable with certain types of relationships. Personally, I am not a fan of PDAs, or kissing on the lips but I think I might like holding hands cuddling or hugging are fine by me.

Personally I feel that in order to be in a romantic relationship, I would be fooling myself because forcing myself to act like I am into someone on a romantic level is unnatural. FOR ME.

Having said that, I feel like if I were to get into a relationship we would just be very close and deep friends that can talk about anything :D

In summary: there is more in a relationship than a romantic interest, deep partnership and trust are very common attributes in aromantic relationships/partnerships.

.

[xMinMinx]

Aromantics can be in realtionships too, I might suck at romantically communicating my feelings but nevertheless I could have a relationship in the future...

a bit shocked at some aro responses

[Touchofinsight]

When you should tell them is something more dynamic and requires a bit of intuition. However what I feel say is that its more important to communicate to your future partners effectively about your stances on romance and sex. This may require you that you lay off using labels and explain your feelings in full. Your boundaries, your desires for the relationship, etc. If you want to use the label at the end of all that and you make it clear its fine but most importantly you need to make sure they fully understand your position.

Using labels with vague definitions like "Doesn't experience sexual/romantic attraction" will just cause confusion. Hell even a large section of regulars here in the forums that are familiar with these labels can not agree on what they mean or how they should be applied.

Just a forewarning.

Good luck.

[LeaveOnYourColours]

I told my current guy a few weeks in. He was accepting of it and all. I just kinda shot out the term, so he was really interested in what it meant, which can be quite hard to describe. I think in little ways, it's different for everyone. But I digress.

I brought it up early, and trust me, full of fear, but it worked out. We have occasional run-ins where I'm like, hey can you stop talking like what when you know it makes me uncomfortable, thanks. Clears up quickly and I guess it's hard to censor people. I don't want to censor him but somethings are too much for me and really hard to handle.

[GoldenaLy]

Like some of the other commenters, I would not want to be in a romantic relationship at all and wouldn't seek one out. When I sense people are starting to get a bit romantic, I tell them about my orientation. Not going to happen for me - I just want friendships.

So I'm of little help, but I wouldn't say it on the first date if you're entering a romantic relationship with someone. I'd wait until you got to know the person better and you felt like the relationship was going somewhere. Then I think it would be a good time to tell. I don't think it'd be advisable to wait a very long time (8 months) because you wouldn't want your partner to feel like you were misleading them.

edit: Xavy said it better than I did; I was speaking a little generally. Where I was going with this is I wouldn't seek a romantic relationship because I lack the romantic attraction to anyone of any gender that usually drives most people to seek out romantic relationships.

[Xavy]

as a self identified Aro, I would say it's not so much that I dont WANT to a romantic relationship as it is that I can't HAVE a genuinely romantic relationship since I do not experience such attractions.

That however does not mean I CAN'T have a relationship. 2 Aro aces can be life partners, that is a kind of relationship, isn't it ?

[Fire & Rain]

BEFORE getting into a relationship. I just don't think it's fair not to share such important information. My current partner knew that I was gray-aro ace way before we even became close friends. I don't know about you but I don't see myself dating a complete stranger and if someone took their time to get to know me, my orientation would come up one way or the other. That's just how I roll :D

I'm a little confused. Could you explain the nature of being in a relationship when you're aromantic?

I'm in Ricecream-man's confusion boat. As an aromantic ace, I form close platonic friendships, and actively discourage any one from even joking about being my boyfriend pr girlfriend. If you're aromantic, why on earth would you be forming romantic relationships in the first place? That would denote a bit of...I dunno...demiromantisism? Is that a thing?

Romance repulsed Gray-Aro here :P currently in a (slightly non-traditional) romantic relationship. It just sort of happens all the time. I was completely aro almost my whole life but I was hardly ever single and they were all long term relationships.

When I was younger, I dated because I felt like I was supposed to. When I got older, I wanted to be emotionally close with some people but they weren't into having the level of emotional intimacy that I want if it weren't romantic.

Just like some asexuals have sex for their partner I got into romantic relationships for my partners. After all I liked all of them as a person, cared for them, enjoyed their company and being close to them. So why not?

I stopped putting too much emotional investment to my friendships because of the imbalance. I hate being pushed back whenever my friends get a romantic partner. I wouldn't mind getting into a queerplatonic relationship with another aro but no luck on the front so far. Everyone I know is romantic. So they either leave me for somebody else or fall for me.

My current partner and I love each other. That's all that really matters at the end of the day. Relationships are just labels. I prefer flexibility when I form relationships.

[Fire & Rain]

Aromantics can be in realtionships too, I might suck at romantically communicating my feelings but nevertheless I could have a relationship in the future...

a bit shocked at some aro responses

It gets more awkward when you're romance repulsed and don't know how to fake it :D

[butterflydreams]

I stopped putting too much emotional investment to my friendships because of the imbalance. I hate being pushed back whenever my friends get a romantic partner. I wouldn't mind getting into a queerplatonic relationship with another aro but no luck on the front so far. Everyone I know is romantic. So they either leave me for somebody else or fall for me.

Wow...this so, so much. I've always tried to put so much into friendships and want to feel really close in them, but there is always such an imbalance. Then I'm inevitably shoved to he back burner, or completely off the radar when they get a romantic partner. It hurts every single time. I suppose that's why I'd put up with romance (the bits I can handle anyway) in order to get that emotional closeness.

Best of luck to all of us though. It's not easy at all :(

[xMinMinx]

Like some of the other commenters, I would not want to be in a romantic relationship at all and wouldn't seek one out. When I sense people are starting to get a bit romantic, I tell them about my orientation. Not going to happen for me - I just want friendships.

THANK YOU that's how I feel basically, I'm not in/not looking for/never been in a relationship; this is all very theoretical for me. I WOULD NEVER ENTER A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP THAT'S TORTURE! LOL

I'm not even sure where previous posters got that from, I didn't put that in the original topic question I only said relationship not romantic relationship. So I would never engage in one in general.

I like platonic, strong friendships that do not rely on gender or sex, mainly focusing on personality.

[EggplantWitch]

I suppose this is one of the benefits of being demiromantic - by the time I actually get romo feelings for a guy he already knows a lot about me! Including the fact that I'm very asexual, as I'm not exactly in the closet about it when it comes to my friends.

But if I weren't demi (and for all I know I might not be) I would probably bring it up after a few weeks. Saying it straight away might frighten some people off if they don't really know what it means and, as others have pointed out, putting it off would eventually cause some major issues. If the topic of sexuality naturally came up in a conversation before that point, however, I would probably make the most of the opportunity.

[AshenPhoenix]

Moving to Asexual Relationships

AshenPhoenix, A/romantic orientations moderator

[Skri]

If I deeply trust someone and I see things might develope in a certain way, I would probably introduce the subject as soon as possible and try to explain my position, so that no one would risk to get hurt at some point. I wouldn't like to start something only to find out later that they are not okay with my gray-aness, plus I do not like short things, so, if I get involved, it's for a long run and I usually put very much into the relationship, behavior that would lead me to get harshly hurt in such case.

Honesty would be my favorite way to approach things.

[Prisma]

I'd tell them at the very beginning. The more differences there are in how the two of you view your relationship, the more problems it creates. If I really cared about someone and really wanted our relationship to be close, I'd tell them right away, and if this is what stops the relationship from happening, it probably wasn't meant to be.

[Sutoriku]

Hey there! As an aromantic (I've never felt romantic attraction), I do still want the emotional intimacy of the traditional relationship. I am only afraid of forging one in case I am accused of 'not loving them' or something equally stupid.

The type of love I would feel for my partner is deep, committed and in no way faked - I just can't physically feel romantic or sexual attraction/"chemistry". There is no switch I can flick on or off as I please.

I guess what I am saying is that I understand as an aro/ace your desire for a relationship. Rather than a queer platonic relationship I still want the candlelit dinners, hand holding and possibly the kissing of traditional relationships but I just won't be experiencing the infatuation on my side. Somehow I feel I don't want a relationship with someone because I feel It may not be enough for them...even though my love for them could be more gentle and deep.

If you are genuinely approaching a long term relationship with someone you need to be upfront all the way. Open, honest communication will be vital. Unfortunately, there will be some people who won't understand your type of love and will stubbornly believe you are "leading them on" when really you are loving them in the only way you know how.

If you want to spend the rest of your life with someone they need to be wholly accepting of every part of you, and love you BECAUSE of it not DESPITE it xxx

Best of luck