Confused about Asexuality

[fallamore1220]

Hello,

I'm new to the whole idea of asexuality, or at least the term. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now, we're happy, we of course have our ups and downs but we always make each other smile. So basically what I'm trying to say is, I don't think he's the problem in all of this.

I guess the real problem is me, when we start to get intimate, I love kissing him, but as soon as it gets really sexual, I just don't want like it. I don't enjoy it, and have never had any real pleasure from it. I had another boyfriend before him, and it was the same thing. I don't think it's him, I love him, I love kissing him. I just don't find sex appealing, and I just want to know if it's something psychological in my mind that's keeping me from enjoying it. I used to think that I was paranoid, thinking someone would walk in, but now we live together, so that isn't an issue anymore.

The idea of sex sounds appealing to me, but once it starts to happen, it just isn't anymore. I know other people have experienced this alone, but is this normal when you're with someone you truly love? I just want to enjoy sex, is there something I can do to fix this?

[Zapstileon]

Hello and welcome :)

I don't know about fixing it, as I don't actually believe it is a thing that needs fixing. What I know is that love and sex are not synonymous. You don't have to be in love to have sex, and you don't have to have sex to be in love. The idea that love means sex is just a stupid thing society has made itself believe over the years. Chances are that you just don't enjoy the act of sex. The idea of sex (certain types of sex) sounds appealing to me, but goodness knows, I'd never actually do it.

I'm actually not sure how sexuality ties in with psychology. I guess, like with most personality traits, it probably has psychological roots. That said, I think it is important for you to know that there's nothing wrong with not wanting and/or not liking sex. It is normal for some people not to want sex, just as it is normal for some people to want sex with a certain gender rather than another. Homosexual people don't generally enjoy the act of sex with the opposite gender. I personally don't enjoy sex with any gender, though I'm fond of the company of all genders.

You can easily love your boyfriend without being sexually attracted to him. That's where romance ties in to sexuality. Without the romance part, there's just sex. Without the sex part, there's just romance. If both are present, you have both.

I would advice you to look around the forum if you are interested to understand asexuality and the related terms. :) And of course, don't be afraid to ask if you need any advice. I'm sure most people on the site are happy to answer your questions.

[deltaX]

MoonWish already said a lot of what I would have said.

Regardless of whether or not asexual is the correct label for you, it sounds like you're a person who, despite having romantic attraction, just doesn't enjoy sex. That's not really anything that needs fixing, as it's totally normal for some people to be disinterested (or even repulsed) by partnered sex. Sex and romantic love are not the same thing, which is why it is possible to love your boyfriend but still not desire sex with him.

I don't think there would really be any way to change your attitude about sex, as it is probability just a part of who you are. What you can do is talk with your boyfriend about what you do or don't want out of the relationship, and see if you can reach some sort of compromise that makes both of you happy.

I would definitely follow MoonWish's advice to check out the forums to learn more and understand yourself better. I would also add that you might want to specifically check out the Asexual Relationships subforum, as there will probably be a lot of people there who have been in a similar situation who might be able to offer some advice.

Good luck with everything! :)

[Anime Pancake]

Yeah someone can be in a relationship with someone, and truly care about their partner, but still not have any desire for sex.

That sounds like how many romantic asexuals would describe themselves.

Also, welcome to the site! Glad to have you here

[Francoise Wang]

Your experience is almost exactly the same as mine. I also experience all these you described, even with the person I'm deeply in love with.

There's not many difference between me and ordinary people. I'm not repulsed by anything (nudity, physical contact, sex, all kinds of things), I'm also strongly attracted to people just like sexual people do (romantically, and I'm also easily attracted to people's body and appreance), I also desire all kinds of physical intamacy (apart from sex) with people I'm attracted to. The only difference between me and ordinary sexual people is that I never wanted or enjoyed sex.

I feel that all the things I've experienced, including romantic love, the way to feel intimate, the attraction towards people's body and appreance, the desire for physical intamacy, are not related to sex. My mind can't link sex with anything. So I feel totally detached while having sex. (It's exactly like someone sticking their finger into your nose, you can't link this behavior with any feelings you have toward that person, right?)

I wish I could find a romantic partner who is the same as me, who also desire all the things ordinary people do in a relationship apart from sex, but never desire sex and never link sex with any other things.

[fallamore1220]

I guess the biggest problem is telling my boyfriend I don't want to have sex with him. Because no matter what I say to him, he will think there's something wrong with him. And there absolutely is nothing wrong with him.