Why do so many seem to equate sex and love ?

[kat_xk8]

Love and sex are not the same thing . They are are not synonyms either . Maybe I don't like love because of sex . Is this why avoid love Because sex gets associated With it .

People have sex without love everyday .

How can I keep the 2 separate and not let sex ruin love for me

Sex has ruined a lot for me . Unable to use certain Words in fear of being misunderstood

In that I'm making references to sex when I'm not nor intended to do so

I'm so tired of sex well being such hijacker of a lot of things in life geez I hate it

[Contrarian Expatriate]

Because the two are fused together by the culture and mass media.

In some cultures, sex and love are viewed distinctly. But in the USA people are conditioned to equate the two.

Only people who are very self aware can determine the distinction by themselves.

[The Emerald]

I agree with BLACE (nice name by the way), because love and sex are viewed in the same way in the U.S. some people think "oh I love her/him, and I can't wait to get into bed with her/him."

They do not see that you can have love without sex (gasp!) and you can have sex without love.

[dissolved]

They've become intertwined, which is annoying.

There's some phrase about men needing sex to feel loved and women needing to feel loved in order to have sex.

I'm pretty sure that's a load of crap.

[kat_xk8]

To me it's very clear . One can have sex without love and love without sex . Not many do And that's what frustrating

[kat_xk8]

What I find to be a load of crap is people basing their self Esteem on sex . How people feel unloved or no self worth because of no sex and how people feel neglected by their partner of no sex . Not only is this all crap it's utter bunk . I tried talking to a sexual about this - waste of time

[Bad_Mr_Tree]

They've become intertwined, which is annoying. There's some phrase about men needing sex to feel loved and women needing to feel loved in order to have sex. I'm pretty sure that's a load of crap.

It certainly is a load of crap...

[KittiesSong]

Some people think of sex as an expression of love because it requires baring and revealing yourself in a way that you would or shouldn't do with just anyone. But what people often forget is that sex is only one expression of love and for some it is not a desired one. If people took it seriously as well as took other expressions of love... in fact even the word love itself has been so watered down that people use it flippantly without realizing the power they can hold over the emotions of others or themselves.

[FiddleKid]

I don't know why a lot of people think love = sex and that everyone who is in love wants to do it, because that is wrong, being in love doesn't have to mean they're having sex. And having sex does not necessarily mean the people are in love.

[kat_xk8]

Nah i don't Keep in mind other people think differently . I don't care what they think . I respect they have a different view but it's the view itself I have to disregard . It's their view not mine as I'm me not them . Not sorry at all to have said that

[Tarfeather]

I don't even know what "love" is. Haven't been able to really use the term ever since getting over society's bullshit.

[Midnight Star]

The people here have answered the main question brilliantly, so I want to hit on something else that you said.

I am 21 and in college so not only is the peer pressure for sex very strong, but just about every sentence you say can be turned into a sexual innuendo.

I understand the frustration of having to watch what you say because you don't want it to be turned into a dirty joke, but that isn't something that we can control.

My personal solution was to exercise a social callous and stop caring what people did with what I said. It was irritating at first, but it got easier over time and now I just don't care.

I did this because, for me, having to watch what I say all the time just isn't fun. And even when I was being super careful the people around me were still able to take some of what I said and make some sort of sex joke out of it.

[shadowheart]

Why are they intertwined? Because I honestly think, that for most, the following is absolutely true:

There's some phrase about men needing sex to feel loved and women needing to feel loved in order to have sex.

You may think it's not true. You may hope it's not so. It may not apply to you or others on this site, but we all recognize that we are different than most.

For most (who are not members of this site), the only way to resolve the contradiction above is to have a mutual loving relationship AND a mutual sexual relationship.

I know that I have felt pressure to be sexual in a relationship because my partner's expectation was that the man could not possible show love without sex. It wasn't necessarily a need, but rather an unspoken expectation of how relationships work and a gut feeling that if I wasn't having sex with her, I was having it with someone else. That's the vanilla world and probably based on other vanilla world experiences.

[Gizamaluke]

Many tv shows that validate casual sexual relations, such as Scrubs and the like, will often have a phrase along the lines of, "Be careful buddy, women can't disassociate sex from love." So it would be fair to say that a lot of shows presume sex to be a mechanical pleasure source, than an actual act of love.

But we also see the romanticised version of love which is in many books and films dedicated towards women where, depending on the audience, sex is seen as the culmination of their romantic interest, it cements the idea that these two are compatible and meant to be for one another. These same stories exist for teen and younger viewers, but in the form of a perfect kiss. e.g. Disney movies.

So sex is marketed for the different genders. If you're a man sex is something for the moment, it's to be enjoyed, it's a source of pride. For women it's a special act that leads to a long-term commitment and love. So we see where the lines are blurred.

Unfortunately for our little asexual society, the world is changing, men are changing, women are changing and roles are dissolving into one another. Which is good for some things, but bad for others. Generally, this means sex is becoming a symbol for love, rather than sin.

[Stained Glass]

I agree.

they make it seem like sex means more than real love when in reality the aren't even equal - Love without sex means more that sex without love

[Guest]

Actually I'm becoming increasingly surprised at the amount of asexual people who see sex as an enjoyable and intimate expression of being in love as well. It's not just outside of this community that sex and love seem to automatically go hand in hand.

EDIT: that's just in reference to those here who have said "outside of our community" and seem to think it's a purely sexual characteristic. It isn't at all apparently.

[romantic-woman]

Actually I'm becoming increasingly surprised at the amount of asexual people who see sex as an enjoyable and intimate expression of being in love as well. It's not just outside of this community that sex and love seem to automatically go hand in hand.

EDIT: that's just in reference to those here who have said "outside of our community" and seem to think it's a purely sexual characteristic. It isn't at all apparently.

yeah...it is really weird that THEY ask sex from their partners in order to feel emotionally/bodily satisfied-connected

[Matthew89]

No one equates sex and love, otherwise the words would be synonyms which they are not. The two are however intertwined, and this is not the conspiracy of the media. It is a fact of biology, and non-physical aspects of human beings. Love means being more awakened, open, free, relaxed. Which under normal circumstances will manifest sexually as a turn-on, increased sexual desire and such.

That does not mean you can't have physical sex without love, but one still influences the other.

I have only observed one asexual person and how affection manifests physically so I cannot speak for everyone, but in that case you still get "wet" and while sex itself is out of the question some physical reaction is still there. And it would not be if love/affection has nothing to do with sex(ual).

What I find to be a load of crap is people basing their self Esteem on sex . How people feel unloved or no self worth because of no sex and how people feel neglected by their partner of no sex . Not only is this all crap it's utter bunk . I tried talking to a sexual about this - waste of time

You're ignoring the facts because you wish it were otherwise. Of course your discussion with sexuals was a waste of time - they look how things work in their head and body and tell you what they see and how they see it. And what they see is that sexuality is an expression of love.

Do a different kind of experiment. When you'll have a partner don't talk to them for 3 months. Just keep the conversation down to a few words that are needed to get by, like "meet me there", "yes", "no" and such. Don't tell your partner that you're doing the experiment. Just say that you're not very talkative. If that partner is still with you after 3 months congratulations I was wrong. But I think not, I think your partner will say he/she doesn't feel loved and will leave.

Different people need different kind of affection, but mostly, things are similar. Try watching TV every evening and refuse to do any of the activities that your partner suggests and you'll quickly find that love, if it was even there, is gone.

[Burgundy]

I love my friends and family. Doesn't mean I want to have sex with them o_0 But regarding romantic, intimate, dating relationships kind of thing, even when of course they can function separately. If, say,a couple want to wait until marriage to have sex, it's not like they don't love each other until their wedding -_- And then of course within the asexual community, people can still love each other without having sex. Love can be shown in many ways.

[Ricecream-man]

I'd say that it's tied to societal expectations around sex as BLACE and others have said.

People acknowledge that you can have sex without love, but they can't understand love without (eventual) sex. It's assumed that if two people are in love the sex between them will be great as well. Kind of falls under that category.

[Matthew89]

I love my friends and family. Doesn't mean I want to have sex with them

That's not love. I mean, it's "love" in a very broad sense, like loving your cat. What you call "love of friends and family" is what I call "like". Because the intensity of emotions is low. It is nothing like the intensity felt by people who have a crush on someone, who are infatuated, and so on. "Love of family" is really on a level of "I'm glad they are there". Let me guess, you love your family all the time. On a continued basis. Would you say you feel elated, joyful, carefree, relaxed, the entire time? For months, years? At least 99% of people here will say "no", even if they like their family. And you can even measure the difference scientifically (dopamine levels etc) between different types of affection/love.

Can you talk to your parents openly about your orgasms and various fantasies? No, because you're not that open. You will feel uneasy. Because there are walls around. But these walls, and other walls, you won't notice between people who love each other. That is, the general rule is less walls more love. And bigger comfort zone you need, also less love.

I'd say that it's tied to societal expectations around sex as BLACE and others have said.

Which is completely wrong and easily proven. However, I feel that some people pretend the connection is purely social and made-up because they anticipate the next move, and realize that if the connection is true that brings some uneasy questions..

[Hwaet]

Because the two are fused together by the culture and mass media.

In some cultures, sex and love are viewed distinctly. But in the USA people are conditioned to equate the two.

Only people who are very self aware can determine the distinction by themselves.

I agree, and in the USA, we tend to oversimplify everything in the mass media.

Just as there are thousands of kinds of love, there are many things we mean when we say "sex," and it's not the same for everyone. It's simpler, really, for many people to not think about the grey areas, have sex that they regret later, and chalk it up to biology.

[Burgundy]

That's not love. I mean, it's "love" in a very broad sense, like loving your cat. What you call "love of friends and family" is what I call "like". Because the intensity of emotions is low. It is nothing like the intensity felt by people who have a crush on someone, who are infatuated, and so on.

The rest of your post, okay. But umm... you get that there's difference between familial love, friendships, and romantic connections, right?

Of course I knew the type of love that the OP first referred to. I just thought it important to point out the different types of love, but the focus of the majority of the text was actually regarding romantic love, so... yeah.

[kat_xk8]

Matthew my point is simple . I think it's a load of crap that some peoples self esteem is based on having sex or not . good self esteem is when one has sex ? Bad self esteem is when one does not

That's a load of Crap to me !

[kat_xk8]

I stand by what I said . I don't have to agree or adopt or have someone else's opinion . I get people have opinions but the actual opinion itself - no I don't have to care or agree with it . I get people disagree with me and people do all the time . Nobody has to ever agree with me on a thing and I'm fine with that . My point is still I respect people have an opinion but the opinion itself - grain of salt most of the time

[whatflowersareatmyfeet]

When I first told my best friend that I was asexual, but not aromantic, we had a pretty big fight about it. She couldn't understand how you could love somebody and not want sex with that person. I pretty much pointed out that if sex without love is possible, it's possible for love without sex to happen too.

I think it's partly cultural influence, but I also think it goes a little deeper than that. Love and intimacy are closely entwined, and I think people have a hard time understanding how its possible to be really intimate with somebody if you don't desire sex with them. Even though I'm asexual, I find it easy to understand the intimacy behind sex-- the fact that you're letting somebody see you naked, welcoming them into your body or letting them be welcomed into yours.

I think people have a harder time understanding a mental intimacy because it's not so obvious and easy to distinguish. Maybe also because we experience mental intimacy with a variety of people-- not just the people we love.

Not totally sure what they're thinking, but I think I at least understand this confusion that lots of people have, even if I don't understand why some people seem so threatened or offended by the idea.

[Member7783]

Even when I was living my lie as a sexual person, I couldn't separate sex and emotion. By that, I mean it was impossible for me to have sex with someone I didn't have an emotional attachment to, and I passed up MANY, MANY, MANY offers for casual sex. To me, it was the idea that I was going to be vulnerable with someone, and would be inside their body, so an emotional closeness had to be present first, and if it wasn't, then sex was not a possibility, regardless of how fun the person offering it to me made it sound like it would be.

Even now, not knowing for certain where I fall on the Asexuality spectrum, I think that if I met the right person and could develop the right kind of emotional and spiritual bond with them, then I could and probably might want to have sex with them...even if it was infrequent. But, even if I never developed that urge, I know I could love the right person with my entire being anyhow, and even if sex wasn't a part of our relationship, that wouldn't diminish what we have.

[Matthew89]

Matthew my point is simple . I think it's a load of crap that some peoples self esteem is based on having sex or not . good self esteem is when one has sex ? Bad self esteem is when one does not

That's a load of Crap to me !

And my point is that more empathy and understanding of different points of view would make you reconsider your opinion.

Someone's self-esteem is based on many different things. Some of the reasons are silly, and some are serious and quite real. To me, silly reason is for example when girl feels fat after gaining two pounds, although I cannot see the problem myself. That issue is simply on a superficial mental level as far as I'm concerned. But not all self-esteem causes fall under the category of "imagined".

Feeling hurt because of a lack of sexual attention from the partner is quite real. It's how biology works. And I use biology here in a very broad sense - including non-physical aspects as well. Let's say you have a homosexual person. Is his attraction to people of the same sex crap? No, it's very real thing deeply rooted in his biology. How many homosexuals are there who can change that, and be attracted to different sex? About the same number as the number of sexuals who can separate sexuality and self-esteem / feelings.

The problem here is that you look at sex and sexuality as something detached. Something external. As something separate from the rest of the personality. That's not how it is. Sexuality is like the blood - it flows through you. And then you're sexual. If it doesn't, then you're asexual. If you're asexual sexuality does not influence your self-esteem - obviously. But if you're sexual, it does. And it's very real, not imagined.

---

To put this into pictures, let's forget about sexuality and use different examples.

Conversation. Ignoring someone verbally will have impact on that person's personality. What if you have parents who never give compliment to their child? Will that child have self-esteem problem later on? It probably will. What if no one in school wants to talk to you? Will that have an impact on your self-esteem? Yes, it probably will.

So why is it accepted that conversation and attention will influence self-esteem, but it's "BS" that the lack of intimacy and closeness will also influence it? Not only that, but partner is usually also someone who is much closer, physically and emotionally, who you share more of your life with, who you perhaps sleep in the same bed with, maybe raise kid with. Such person is considered much more valuable, his/her opinion much more important, than some random coworker. If that person neglects the other emotionally and physically through lack of sex, then there will be emotional pain. Which is very real and not imagined. To that you can reply with "but that's just sex".. except you're missing the point - it's not just sex. Sex is a physical way to nurture non-physical aspects of ones being, and you will find very few people to whom sex is just sex.

[Xavy]

it's easy to confuse sex and love because of the way these things are portrayed in pop culture.

[Matthew89]

it's easy to confuse sex and love because of the way these things are portrayed in pop culture.

All kinds of sex are portrayed in pop culture. It is not possible to come to a single conclusion about sex and love from pop culture. It is only possible to see things one wants to see, or believe in, while ignoring everything that doesn't fit in.

Pop culture is full of love sex, full of casual sex, full of violent sex. Depending on the era and what society find acceptable, or wants to promote. Lately, that means homosexual sex. For example: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2278871/

If someone was raised on pop culture alone these days, he would engage in one night stands rather than mix sex and love.

The reason you see pop culture as the one that causes the image of sex and love being intertwined is because you're searching for external reasons, after you're initially rejected the true cause which is internal (that being so because of biology etc). Thus fear of self distorts reality.