To come out or not to come out?

[Rainbow203]

I've only just discovered asexuality and it 100% makes sense to me and who I am, finally!

I'm not even ready to think about coming out or not but how do you manage being out with a group of friends who are always commenting on 'fit' men and trying to set me up on dates. Before I knew I was asexual I would join in just to fit in and I'd make excuses about why I wasn't dating (too busy, don't want to complicate my life blah blah) but now I know I'm asexual it all feels such a lie and I kind of don't want to lie anymore. But I'm not ready to come out yet as I'm still discovering myself. Any advice? 😊

[AWhiteGyrfalcon]

Hi

I think many of us have been in your shoes, myself as well.

It's never an easy thing to realise you feel and experience something different to the "crowd". It's first difficult enough to accept it and own it yourself, then communicate it to your family, peers etc.

I guess I can offer you support and empathy - in I know what it feels like to be in your shoes, walk in them even now. The only advice I can think of that might be useful is to just be true to yourself. Don't feel you have to be someone you aren't. That doesn't mean you have to shout to everyone you meet that your an Ace, although you can if your are comfortable with that too :-). Don't feel pressured to make comments on passing people, or date or listen to uncomfortable sexual conversations. Don't feel you have to justify to people why you are single and uninterested in dating or noting other's looks.

I find other good retorts are "I am more interested in XYZ then dating at the moment." or "I'm happy with my own company and independence, I don't have any interest in dating anyone at this time and don't find anyone of particular interest."

Another good retort on the "Oh isn't he hot?" comments are literally - not my cup of tea lol

If they are good friends they were respect your comments and privacy and not pressure you to date or enter that world.

Anyway not sure that is at all helpful - just wanted to throw my support behind you, know exactly how you feel. Also I have come out ot my family and a few close friends, and wish I hadn't really on some levels, I went through a brief period where I thought everyone should know..but I've since calmed down and think no one needs to know what sexuality I am. That is for me to know and a possible partner one day, if that ever happens, and I say it to you as well.

If at such a time you feel comfortable coming out - that's awesome and your choice how, when, where and to whom, but don't feel you need to come out ot anybody. Sexuality these days is such a focus its all we think about, but sexuality, wahtever that is, is a deeply personal thing, shouldn't be discussed to death in my opinion. You shouldn't feel you have to tell anybody, if you don't want anybody to ever know, that's awesome too - its your business to know..you know?

[Rainbow203]

Thank you for your reply. That is very helpful and comforting and I appreciate you taking the time to message me with your experience. It makes a lot of sense ☺️

[Anantine]

Hello there!

A lot of people been in the same situation as you,including me and everyone else I know.

I can offer now my support and a little advice that may help in the future.

Don't feel that you are obliged to come out.Sexuality is very personal,if you aren't ready or there's no need to,don't come out.Wait for a while and do it when you're ready.

You also don't have to explain and make up exuses why you aren't in a relationship if you don't want to.Kindly ask them to stop.

Educate yourself a little more on the topic so you could,if needed, explain to other people.I remember sitting hours on forums and on the wiki to understand my sexuality better and how I could explain it to my friend at that time.The time spent on it was worth it!

I remember before asking my mum for something,I would always ask her opinion on the topic.(When I wanted a puppy I asked her if she likes them,did she have a pet before etc.)You can do the same when you feel like coming out.It's better to know your family's/ friends opinion on a sexuality and go from there..If they are negative about it then it is better not to say anything about your orientation,in my opinion.

I wish you luck!*hug*:-)