I want you to want me

[butterflydreams]

So I've been thinking a little bit about this recently. While I have a pretty good idea about where I myself stand vis-a-vis partnered sexual contact, there's one weird blip that has me curious. As far as I know (like 2-3 nines certain), no one has ever desired me sexually (or even romantically for that matter). This makes me feel pretty down sometimes.

Maybe it seems weird since I'm asexual and somewhere in the area of "meh, could be interesting" to "ahhh! that is way too real, please stop :(" when it comes to partnered sex. I haven't ever done it, so it's hard to say exactly how I feel about it.

I don't know. I guess it's nice to feel desired, and wanted. Especially in a way that seems so basic and common in our culture. I have to say, it's a little stab to my heart even hearing other asexuals here lament about being the object of desire. At least you are desired. Of course you don't have to do anything about it, and I certainly understand if it's repeated it might become bothersome, but just once? I think I'd like that.

It's surprisingly difficult to keep up my self confidence when it's basically always been entirely on my shoulders to do so. It's extremely tiresome. I know this isn't the case, but sometimes it feels like well, ok, I'm asexual, so I'm not going to feel that way towards others. Oh, and others aren't going to feel that way towards me either? Not even romantically? Well then why am I even here bothering?

I suppose I'm curious if anyone else feels this way, and whether or not they have any thoughts on the matter. Or just anyone with any thoughts.

Oh, and my apologies for the Cheap Trick song as the topic title.

[Zapstileon]

As far as you know is the key sentence here. I think you probably have been desired at some point. Probably even several times. The problem is that 80% of the people who do want/desire you won't tell you so. You'll never know unless they tell you, and so that's a problem. But probably, someone has wanted you at some point. What I've noticed is that if a person is obviously uninterested in partners, other people will think them weird and stay away even if they find them desirable. Because what's the point if you're going to get rejected anyway, right?

I have personally often looked at people in secret and thought "Oh that's a nice person. I wouldn't mind getting to know them more romantically." But I've never in my life told anyone that. Not once have I ever expressed that I have a potential thing for a person or other. Never saw the need. It would do them no good, because they would want sex or something and ugh, whatever.

I don't know if that helps, but that's what I've noticed. If people around you know you're not interested or not interested in the way you want them to be, they'll probably not show any interest for you. You don't need to have told them that you're ace or anything. Simply whenever someone talks about relationships, you might have expressed less desire for it than others around you.

[butterflydreams]

I kind of had a feeling this would be the response I'd get about this. You're absolutely right too. I don't know. What would my therapist call this? Textbook case of "mind-reading"? I have to say though, it sure feels like I know. It feels like I couldn't be more certain. That's what hurts. It would still be nice to know for sure.

I've actually often wondered about the whole not really expressing interest subconsciously and having that be picked up by others. Does that really happen? I mean, I can do a lot of things, like flirting, conversation, some touch, but it always feels so mechanical. I've told friends I feel more like a robot. I'm emulating those things. Are people sensing that? It's not something I can help. I have to emulate them or there won't be any of it at all. I still want close intimate relationships, even if I can't do those things organically.

This is sort of related to a time in college, when I kept seeing this really cute girl in the dining hall over the course of a few weeks. She was just cute, that was all. At one point, I had almost convinced myself to just tell her that very matter of factly. I would've been psyched to get a compliment like that, so wouldn't she? I never did it, but it was something I thought about. For the overwhelming number of women at that school, I only ever felt a few were cute.

So I guess, what can I do about this absence? It feels like such a crucial piece of feeling like you belong among people.

[Zapstileon]

I suppose that girl would have appreciated it. People often do. Especially if they spend hours dealing with their looks. They like it when it's noticed.
Personally, I'm a bit different. Compliments are alien to me. When one is given to me, I don't really know what to do with it. It's kind of like they throw a hot piece of coal at me and I catch it in my hands. I juggle it for a while, never holding it too long in one hand. When it has cooled off I stare at it. Then I thank them awkwardly for the piece of coal that I don't know what to do with. Once the situation is passed, I leave the piece behind and forget all about it.

I suppose some people like it. I suppose some people would have the compliments in place of not having them. I don't know. I know when I'm appreciated without the compliments. I guess that's a difference in perception. A little like how a lot of people who have siblings seem to want to be only children and vise versa. Someone always longs for something other people seem to have.

People often sense when something is off in a person's behaviour. If you seem robotic, they might describe you as stiff and awkward. I had an Asperger's room mate who was often very robotic like that when people demanded certain things of him. Needless to say, he and I got along perfectly well, since neither was comfortable with guessing emotion and preferred the straight forwards "this is how I feel" approach. A lot of people often said he turned awkward where they expected an instinctively natural flow, which most people have in matters of the heart as they would call them. If you don't have the flirtation innately, they seem to notice. They certainly notice in me, though the comments I usually get are "Dude, you're trying too hard. Relax."

*Shrug* Being human is hard. But then, it takes to find people who get you, and once you do that, it seems to flow relatively easy, with or without flirting and touching. Although I guess it also depends on the company you want. Me, I'm happy with a couple of friends, and as long as they get me, I don't really need much more. I can discuss matters of their sexuality and their love life - or lack thereof - and that seems to work just fine.

[PippinTook]

I really relate to this.

I'm 20, and have never had anyone show any interest in me, and whilst I was never bothered about not having a boyfriend, it was always in the back of my mind that there must be a reason that no one has ever asked me out - that there must be something wrong with me. I'm pretty sure a lot of people think I'm a lesbian (including my mum, even though I've told her otherwise), and I wonder if that's stopped guys asking, so I wonder if I just give off some kind of vibe (like you can sometimes just tell if someone is gay). Maybe it's my general lack of interestin guys that way, I don't know.

So, yeah. You're definitely not alone in these feelings. Most of this for me happened before I realised that I was ace/ that ace was a thing, and now it doesn't bother me quite so much, because if someone was to shoe an interest in me, they would most likely be wanting sex at some point. The problem is that I don't think I'm aro, which makes it really difficult to find anyone willing to show an interest in me, but not sexually.

Oh, why is life so complex?!

[Keels]

I think MoonWish is right on the mark. Looking back, I now see there were any number of instances in which I was SPECTACULARLY clueless that someone was interested in me. And even when I had some clue, I had the same feeling they describe of not having any idea what to do with it.

That said, I do relate to the feeling of missing out on something. In my case, that's a generalized nagging feeling related to the whole concept that I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum... oh well, that's life I guess.

[Chardog]

Being genderqueer, having somebody "want" me feels disgusting. I present as female, in general, and get a fair amount of street harassment working in NYC. It's one of the few things that trigger dysphoria for me (any attention toward me that insinuates a sexual desire for parts of my body I don't agree with).

However... I really want somebody who wants me to want them. I would like to be able to possibly engage in doing sexual things with another person on my terms (no coercion and no risk of them wanting to do things to my body that make me uncomfortable).

[butterflydreams]

Being genderqueer, having somebody "want" me feels disgusting. I present as female, in general, and get a fair amount of street harassment working in NYC. It's one of the few things that trigger dysphoria for me (any attention toward me that insinuates a sexual desire for parts of my body I don't agree with).

However... I really want somebody who wants me to want them. I would like to be able to possibly engage in doing sexual things with another person on my terms (no coercion and no risk of them wanting to do things to my body that make me uncomfortable).

That's a very interesting take on this. I completely understand what you're saying too. Also, that's one reason I could never live in a city. Too many people who feel they can do whatever they want because there's so much anonymity. Granted, living in a town of just under 1000 has it's own interesting challenges, but I find them much more manageable.

I've suspected for a while that my own gender whatevers have a pretty big effect on this stuff as well. I think the idea of having someone who wants me to want them is a very interesting alternate possibility as well. Thanks for mentioning that! I think being able to engage in sexual things with a very clear understanding and respect of body is something everyone can want. I did one of those want, will, won't lists one time, and I think my attitude towards sex changed so much afterwards. Like I had this paper that said, don't touch this, or that, or do this thing you'll probably try to because everyone does. I don't. I think you're right, that it's the attention drawn to certain body parts you're in disagreement with.

[Guest]

First off... I used to have a blog where I meticulously documented how little my partner wanted me, and it was titled "I want you to want me". Pro-tip: do not make such a blog, and definitely do not show it to your partner and expect her not to murder you.

Second... Yes, people will avoid expressing interest 99.9% of the time. Do you know how much courage it takes to do the opposite? If the person isn't sending pretty obvious PLEASE CONTINUE HITTING ON ME NOW signals, almost everyone will immediately stop. I'm sure respect for the other person plays a role, but it's really more self-preservation than anything. I can think of numerous situations where two people were both into each other and didn't know that because they were both being overly cautious.

So, yes, it's not enough to give the impression you want to be wanted. You also kinda have to give off the impression you want to be wanted by a specific person, or in all likelihood they won't have the motivation to pursue you.

I mean, that's just my opinion, but i don't know.

[butterflydreams]

First off... I used to have a blog where I meticulously documented how little my partner wanted me, and it was titled "I want you to want me". Pro-tip: do not make such a blog, and definitely do not show it to your partner and expect her not to murder you.

This is...this is good wisdom here :D

Second... Yes, people will avoid expressing interest 99.9% of the time. Do you know how much courage it takes to do the opposite? If the person isn't sending pretty obvious PLEASE CONTINUE HITTING ON ME NOW signals, almost everyone will immediately stop. I'm sure respect for the other person plays a role, but it's really more self-preservation than anything. I can think of numerous situations where two people were both into each other and didn't know that because they were both being overly cautious.

So, yes, it's not enough to give the impression you want to be wanted. You also kinda have to give off the impression you want to be wanted by a specific person, or in all likelihood they won't have the motivation to pursue you.

I mean, that's just my opinion, but i don't know.

Heh, it's a miracle anyone gets together at all! I actually think this ties in pretty cleanly with other stuff I've been realizing recently like I am good enough to be wanted at all. Seems it was all mixed in with my gender feelings. I guess maybe that's weird but I'm glad I found it all the same.

[Fire & Rain]

I've heard some of my friends say "Most people only pursue others romantically and sexually if they think there's a chance of reciprocation." I think that's true to a certain degree. The fear of rejection is humiliating. If you give off some kind of "I'm not interested" air, chances are people are not going to pursue you. I mean it will make them look like total desperate idiots when you're clearly not interested.

Plus crushes and sexual attraction can be fleeting. Most people are not going to put a lot of effort into addressing those fleeting desires. From my personal experience only two total strangers pursued me intensely. Others were already close friends. My friends knew I wasn't interested but by then the deeper feelings had already developed for them that they had to come out and say it. They mentioned that it took a lot courage to confess. I'm sure there are people who have romantic and sexual interest in you but they are not showing it for various reasons.

[butterflydreams]

I'm sure there are people who have romantic and sexual interest in you but they are not showing it for various reasons.

I don't suppose there's any harm in simply assuming that's the case. It doesn't hurt anyone, might help my self esteem, and it's a complete departure from how I normally treat myself. God knows I'm all for those!