Confused and Seeking Opinions

[BitsyTroll]

OK, so things are pretty confusing for me, and I'm hoping you guys can be compassionate enough to help me figure myself out.

I'm a 33 year old woman. When I was younger I had sex because it was normal to do. expected. The were certain aspects of it that I found really repulsive, things I didn't enjoy doing, and I never felt satisfied. Once in a while, I'd have a sexual encounter that was enjoyable, but typically when I felt a biological urge I was fine with masturbation, and even sometimes afterwards I felt like I had wasted my time.

I've never thought of myself as asexual because of these things. I do find people to be good looking, " hot", but it never results in me wanting any form of physical interaction with them. It's more like just appreciating a beautiful form or something. The older I've gotten the less involved I've gotten with my own sex life. Starting a few years ago I just wanted to do as little work in bed as possible and basically just waited for them to get it over with.

When my husband and I first began dating, we had sex and I enjoyed it. I thought I was making a turnaround. But after a while that wore off and at first I was very upset about it. I've been doing a lot of research for several weeks now, and I think I'm asexual. Sex is not a priority in my life at all. I don't feel sexual attraction, and I'm even losing interest in masturbation.

Any and all opinions and comments are welcome.

[Nameless Monster]

The experiences you are describing definitely sound like those of an asexual.

Once in a while, I'd have a sexual encounter that was enjoyable, but typically when I felt a biological urge I was fine with masturbation, and even sometimes afterwards I felt like I had wasted my time.

I've never thought of myself as asexual because of these things. I do find people to be good looking, " hot", but it never results in me wanting any form of physical interaction with them. It's more like just appreciating a beautiful form or something.

There are many asexuals who experience forms of attraction other than sexual attraction. These are known as aesthetic attraction and sensual attraction. Aesthetic attraction, simply put, is where you may feel that someone is beautiful/handsome without desiring them sexually, while sensual attraction is when you enjoy being physically close with someone and touching in a non-sexual way, such as hugging. The experience of either of these non-sexual forms of attraction does not disqualify you as an asexual.

It sounds to me like you are a hetero romantic asexual. It's important to note that there is a difference between romantic and sexual attraction. Many asexuals still want to build a close relationship with another person, such as your marriage to your husband, while not desiring them sexually.

Hopefully I've been able to help a little. There are loads of people on here who can expound on everything I've just said, and say it much better than I have. I suggest taking a look at some of the other threads on this forum for information about the various forms of attraction, as I think they would be of great help to you. Take care, and enjoy your stay on AVEN. :)

Edit: I forgot to mention that asexuals can have a libido, but typically they choose to take care of it themselves, and don't want to have sex with someone to relieve it.

[Midnight Star]

Maybe you are asexual, or maybe you aren't. Maybe you have a seriously weak libido, or maybe you liked some of the people enough to enjoy having sex with them. Whatever you want to call yourself is up to you. And even you you do call yourself asexual and then later feel different you can change that. What name you decide to call your orientation isn't set in stone. It may need some changes as you figure out more about yourself.

I'm not surprised to hear that most of your sexual performances were more likely the result of societal expectations. I am 21 and in college so right now the peer pressure is stronger than ever for both guys and girls to go out and have sex with random people.

I am a guy and I find some girls to be cute. But they are cute to me the same way my cat is cute and like you I don't feel the need to have sex with them. Although I do like affection.

I hope this helps and I wish you luck in exploring who you are :)

[ohmless]

welcome. I am no expert and can only say is don't stress over who you are and who you aren't. Just accept yourself first. Everything will come in time.

[BitsyTroll]

Thank you for your replies. I'm looking forward to what more people can contribute to the conversation. :)

[TheAsexyPrincessa]

Being asexual means you don't experience sexual attraction. That's it.

Things like sexual activity (and the level of enjoyment of those activities), libido, masturbation, porn-watching, and even fetishes have nothing to do with ones asexuality. You can do all of these things, and still be asexual. Nothing 'invalidates' your Asexuality, unless you are sexually attracted to someone.

That being said, only you can decide your orientation. Keep in mind that gray-ace and demisexual are also options that are on the asexual spectrum. Good luck and welcome! :)

[Keels]

So I'm mid-40s, married. Just learned about the concept of asexuality a couple of months ago, and realized it explained a whole lot of stuff in my life that hadn't really added up before that point.

I'm not really that keen on AVEN's official definition of asexuality (multiple huge, contentious threads elsewhere in the forums currently hashing that out!), but the homespun definition that seems to sort some things out for me is this: Looking back through my life, I realize that sexual attraction/sexual desire, in and of itself, has never really been a motivation for my behavior. I've been sexual, but only due to other motivations, not due to intrinsic sexual attraction/sexual desire.

In practice, I've mainly had sex at the beginnings of relationships. It's virtually always been at the other person's instigation (cartoonishly so, in most cases). I've enjoyed it, and I've been an enthusiastic participant, but it has always tailed off to nothing within a few months.

What I'm now realizing is that I was having (fun, happy) sex because of different motivations: wanting to get to know my partner, spend time with them doing something fun, prove to the universe (or to ingrained societal imperatives) that the relationship was moving forward, things like that. Any sort of sexual-desire motivation just wasn't there. So, after a few months, when the early-days-of-relationship motivations for having sex weren't as important any more, the sex just dwindled to nothing. And honestly it really didn't bother me; the main angst it caused me was when my partners would wheel on me with "We haven't had sex in months, do you even want me?" -type questions. (Which I never had a good answer for, because I just fundamentally didn't grasp the assumptions underlying the question.)

Like you say, sex has just never been a priority. Funny-ish story in retrospect: I was between jobs and had this crazy, exhausting temp job at a retail store for the holidays. I'd been single for 5 years at that point and had started crushing heavily on one of my new store coworkers. I distinctly remember telling one of my good friends, "Man, I wish she could just come home with me and we could *be* together, relax on the couch, watch TV, whatever. Maybe with sex way down the list of options... or not." I mean, this woman was comprehensively rocking my world that December, and I hadn't had sex with anyone in 5 years, and still, there was no OMG WANT SEX WITH THIS AWESOME WOMAN NOW thing inside me at all. Instead, there was "Meh, I guess sex would be OK if it had to happen, but couldn't we just relax together and hold hands on the couch?"

[TMI: masturbation]

It's funny, since I started thinking about asexuality, my interest in masturbation has dropped way off. It's almost like before I was overcompensating for lack of sex in my marriage (which defaults to being 'my fault', since I'm the guy) by masturbating somewhat frequently. Now that I've realized, in the words of another thread, "I don't want sex, and that's OK!", it seems like I feel way less of a drive to masturbate. Funny.

Anyway. TL,DR: OP, I feel ya. I hope you post some more, because I'm still trying to work all this out, and hearing other people's stories is amazingly helpful.