Coming out to parents? Should I?

[Llama-Overlord]

Okay so, I've come out to a handful of friends and they've been pretty accepting, cause they knew what it was. I want to come out to my parents but, they don't know what asexuality is. They're very accepting of the LGBT community and my gay cousin and everything, but I've never talked to them about this stuff before. Not relationships or sex or anything. Even my sex talk was exclusively at school. I never asked (cause i wasn't interested.) and they never talk about it to me.

Anyone got any tips? Should I wait? Should I come out to my sister first?

[crazypimpernelfan]

I think you should first ask your parents if they know about asexuality. So then you can inform them of what it is and see what their viewpoint of it is before you officially come out. If they're totally okay with it, then it should be easy to come out!

But if you feel the need to wait or tell your sister first to see her reaction towards it, then do so. The decision is yours! I wish you the best of luck in coming out to your family. :)

[I'd rather be in band.]

1st of all, I insist that you consider your own pros and cons, as far as this goes. However, you said you're pretty sure you want to come out, so if you do, I can give you a few tips.

First of all, you can test the waters by saying,"Hey, I heard of this interesting thing," and then explaining asexuality. If they react in a positive manner, wait a little bit (as long as you see fit), and then come out when you're ready!

Also, coming out to your sister first may be benefitial, but if you don't want your mom and dad finding out from her, you should express that you want to be the one to tell them, unless it is your plan for her to tell them.

Good luck!

[a-happyhippie]

Really, it's all up to you. I recommend coming out to your sister first, because it might ease you into it. That's how I did it; I came out to my brother first. But like I said, it's entirely up to you. Whenever you feel comfortable you could always bring it up, and if they don't know what it is, tell them! c: Best of luck to you!

[MiniChelonia]

My personal experience coming out to my LGBT accepting mum was great, even though I had to explain what asexuality was (however, I do think she is ace-spec). I think most LGBT accepting people are ace accepting too. I think the decision to come out to your first sister depends, are you closer to her? Do you think she'll be more accepting?

I think if you do decide to come out its a good idea to explain what asexuality is before saying that you are asexual. (You can do this in a few different ways, eg watch a YouTube video about asexuality [without your headphones in] in the room that they're in, and ask them what they think)

Some people assume that being ace also means being aro, but it might overwhelm them to correct them immediately.

Remember that the decision to come out is completely yours, and that you know your family the best.

[butterflydreams]

It's totally up to you. I'd suggest weighing the pros and cons of doing it, and consider what the "worst case scenario" might be, just to help prepare yourself. If you think your sister might be receptive, that might be a good route to go as well. Sometimes it's easier to talk to siblings rather than parents. That's pretty much what I did. My brother is kind of a hippy, so I knew he'd probably be cool about it.

Then it's much easier to talk to your parents, because you have the backing of a sibling. Or you can just tell your sister and hold off on telling your parents. You may find that having her know about it is enough for now :)

Ultimately, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you don't want to tell them, don't. If you have any fear of your safety in telling them, then don't. Not telling them isn't a permanent decision either. If you decide to change your mind later, you're always welcome to do that.

Best of luck to you :)

[Llama-Overlord]

Thanks, you guys are really helpful! :D I think I'm going to wait until my sister comes home from college and come out to her, then go from there.

[Guest]

I didn't realy tell my parents , I don't think I have to , yes I don't want sex , but I dot see why my parents should know , it's not like it would change anything , I i don't think I'm gonna get a boyfriend anytime soon so I don't have to tell them about what my relation ship would be like . So my opinion would not be to tell them .

[dygrox]

if you do decide to come out (which is completely up to you) it might help to establish asexuality as a ligament orientation if you show them an online community like AVEN, it work well for me.

good luck :)

[wishystar]

tbh, i never got the courage to tell my parents about my asexuality. but they know that i had never been in a relationship. when i was in school, they just interpret that as me being a good child who wants to finish education. now that i am already a professional, god it annoys me sometimes that they are trying to match me up with someone. i openly say to them that i do not want relationship, but for all i know, they do not take it seriously and they are just waiting for me to meet the "right person". they just laugh. but they do not know how i am deadly serious about it.

[Sutoriku]

I just came out to my Mum and sister today, together and they were both super-supportive :lol:

HOW I CAME OUT:

Start by setting time aside, one-on-one (or one on two in my case).

Tell them this.

"I have three things that you need to know before we talk.

The first is that you have to promise to take me seriously and I need you to hear me out to the end, then I'll answer your questions.

The second is that this is not something that is spur-of-the-moment - I've done some soul-searching and I've been planning to tell you this for a while.
The third is that it is a taking a lot for me to say this to you, it means a lot to me so please be respectful about what I say."

This will set them up and set the mood for your conversation and they will give you their full attention. After giving them the disclaimer, start by defining the different types of attraction.

"There are three types of attraction:
Aesthetic attraction, where you look at someone and think they are pretty like a painting but without a sexual element
Romantic attraction which is infatuation/crush/love and
Sexual attraction, which is looking at someone and wanting sexual relations with them - feeling a 'spark' or sexual chemistry."

(Explain these attractions in the way that makes the most sense to you and use your own examples.)

"These three attractions are often intertwined however it is possible for them to be felt separately. For example, you don't need to be in love with someone to have a one-night stand with them."

After defining the attractions, continue on to define the prefixes. Work your way down from 'pan' to 'a-'. (like a little "surprise!" at the end lol)

"As you would know, to describe who people feel these attractions to we use prefixes. These prefixes can be attached to each seperate type of attraction: for example homoromantics are people who feel romantic attraction to the same gender and bisexuals feel sexual attraction towards both genders.

Pan- is used for people who are attracted to all genders and non-binary folk.
Bi- is used for people who are attracted to both men and women
Hetero is used for people who are attracted to the opposite sex and

Homo is used for people who are attracted to the same sex.
A- is used for people who do not feel attraction"

This is the point where you say "This is the one that describes me. I am a-(sexual/romantic/insert coming out here)."

DO NOT BE AMBIGUOUS ABOUT YOUR ORIENTATION: ie "I /think/ I'm asexual". If you are still questioning or unsure about yourself I'd recommend waiting before coming out.

Okay this is the hard part over with. But you can't rest yet. Now you have to explain what asexuality is to clear up any confusion and/or misconceptions. If someone is trying to interrupt you at this point to object to your coming out or with questions, ask them politely to wait just a little longer until you've finished explaining.

It feels a little like you are trying to 'justify' to them that asexuality is a valid orientation. But if that's what it takes....

Now we validify our claim with evidence, just like they taught you to do in your science investigations back in high school.

"Asexuality, like homosexuality is something that occurs naturally in the animal kingdom. 1-2% of the human population are asexual. As you can see, it is recognised as a scientifically valid orientation."

This is a great way to naturally move the conversation on to dispelling some common myths.

"Asexuality is not something that is the result of trauma, repression or hormone imbalance - like homosexuality it is a perfectly healthy, naturally-occurring phenomenon. Of course, there will be people within the asexual population who have sadly suffered abuse and other things however the majority of asexuals are physically and mentally healthy. Asexuality is NOT a dysfunction, it is a valid orientation."

Okay, we’ve defined the attractions, suffixes and justified our claims with scientific evidence. Now it’s time to placate their fears that we can’t live heteronormative lives. This part may grate on some people so it is totally optional, but I would completely recommend it to smooth the way over.

“Asexuality is a spectrum. On one end is hypersexuality and on the other end is asexuality. Everything in between is the grey area. A lot of people who consider themselves ‘normal’ probably fall somewhere on this large, diverse spectrum.”

“As such, asexuality doesn’t necessarily mean ‘all-or-nothing’. It could well be that I haven’t ‘met the right person’ – grey-asexuals feel sexual attraction once in a blue moon, but it’s still there.”

“Just because I identify myself as asexual, doesn’t mean I am cutting myself off from sex, romance, marriage or children. I promise to leave my options open but you have to understand that ultimately it will be my own decision.”

This part will be comforting to hear for your parents, who want you to fit in because they love you and they want you to have the best life they can give you (because let’s face it, being normal and accepted is much easier than being different) – and it’s easier to explain than the concept of ‘fluid sexuality’. It also leaves the option for...well not ‘back-tracking’ per say but if something changes/ you take up a relationship they can’t say “I told you so”.

This final part is the MOST IMPORTANT:

"Before I knew that asexuality was a valid orientation I felt broken/alone/insert personal experience here.

Knowing that there are others like me and knowing that I am healthy and not broken is so very freeing.

I want you to know that identifying as asexual makes me happy and comfortable and NOT ALONE. This is how I feel right now and so at this point in my life, asexuality is the label that best describes my orientation. If something happens and that changes, so be it.

But right now, identifying as asexual makes me comfortable, and knowing that there are others like me makes me feel like I finally found a place I belong."

Now open the discussion up for questions and have a list of resources on hand for questions you can't answer or feel uncomfortable answering.

Voila!

That is my guide to coming out. As you can tell, I had the whole speech set out and written in advance. However, in reality I started sobbing by the second paragraph because I was so nervous, before I'd even finished explaining bisexuality. At least it made them take me seriously and handle me pretty gently, because I never cry. In the end though I got through the whole speech and we all had big hugs :)

If you feel it's necessary, you can also make the distinction between sexual desire/drive/libido and sexual attraction. However this an advanced concept that can be confusing and can muddle up even those with the best of intentions. I would recommend leaving this conversation for another day.


PM me please! I had such a great experience with my own family today I'm on a high, so anything I can do to help - hit me up with a message. Best of luck!!

Love Alex xxxxx

[Ficulnean]

^

Very nice guide. Also,sensual attraction. That one though, is more important to explain to potential paretners to let them know they are still actions open.

Let us know how it goes; we always like hearing success stories. And, we will support you in case of negative responses.

[Sutoriku]

I was going to add sensual attraction but I wanted to keep to basics - my family aren't as well versed in LGBTQIA terminology, even though they accept pretty much everything but polyamory :)

The important thing is not just to come out, but to educate them on what you are coming out as ^^