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Does anyone else experience this?


frozenfractals

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frozenfractals

Hey everyone, I'm new :3 *shy*

Firstly I want to apologise if this is irrelevant to AVEN and if I've wasted your time :S but I was just wondering if anyone felt a similar thing...

Can one be considered grey-a if they feel sexual attraction and want to participate in sexual activities hypothetically but then once they come to pass, the interest fades?

So, I am a very sexual person... in theory. I think about having sex with people, I watch and read erotica and I am aroused by it. But once I physically find myself in a sexual situation, I'm no longer interested. Everything is completely fine in fantasy but once it becomes reality I don't want any of it.

I still experience primary sexual attraction and I want to engage in sexual acts with people but if the opportunity arises, I can't. It feels wrong and uncomfortable. I like the idea of it but I can't follow through with the action, even if I thought I wanted to.

Does anyone else experience this? Does this classify as grey-a or would it be considered as something else?

Thank youu ^^

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Sounds like Lithosexuality to me (part of the a-spectrum), you may want to try looking into that term.

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Wandering Ace

You might be grey-a autochorissexual. Autochorissexualism is a subcategory of asexulity characterized by an interest in depictions of sex, but turned off by the real thing.

Alternatively, you might be sexually repressed. I know that's a common anti-ace comment, but I still think it needs mentioning. That said, you identify however you want. After all, yours is the only opinion that counts in that area.

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Hello! This is genuinely me in a nutshell, and you are one of the only people I've come across to feel that way since I've been speculating it myself. :3

I think about wanting to be with someone and fantasise about all the ins as outs, but as soon as it looks like an actual possibility and the opportunity arises it leaves me completely cold and I don't want to go through with it.

It's not even fear of going through with it that stops me, it's that the desire for it just vanishes completely and I do a complete 180 degrees.

Originally I thought I just wasn't into sex, since the idea of actually having sex outside of hypothetical thoughts was never something I wanted. But then as you say it can't be that quite, since there are clearly feelings and I read and watch erotic stuff and definitely have arousal. It left me feeling very confused and uncomfortable, because I didn't even seem to fit into a minority as small as asexuality.

Now and then I can't help but feel very detached because of it and I've wondered in the past if it'll just take one amazing sexual experience to change my mind on all that, but somehow I don't think it works that way.

I think autochorissexuality is the only real way to define this, as someone has already mentioned. And yes I think it probably does sit on the Grey-A spectrum, because I think that covers everything that ranges between sexuality and asexuality, and since this is neither it makes sense for it to fall under the miscellaneous umbrella.

I've heard the term before but it seemed so obscure to me that I couldn't imagine almost anyone would share the feeling! I'm glad I'm not the only one; it's not an easy balance to find and I think it helps knowing that there's an explanation somewhere out there, however unfamiliar or outlandish it may be. Makes it feel a bit less of an unknown.

Hope this helps! c:

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frozenfractals

Oooh thank you all for your replies! Keep them coming! :)

I'm familiar with both of those terms and they are relatable in different ways. It seems to me that reciprocation plays a significant part in lithosexuality and I’m not entirely sure whether someone reciprocating the feelings is the turn off for me (it is certainly a possibility). I read somewhere that lithosexuality was described as "forbidden fruit syndrome", something as an idea sounds appealing, as long as you don't physically have it. I guess it can be viewed from both perspectives; the act of reciprocation itself from the person, and the situation becoming a reality (which I suppose in a way is similar to reciprocation in that it's no longer a hypothetical scenario).

And as for autochorissexuality, it seems relevant as well since there is a disconnection between sexual attraction/interest and self participation. However I've read that lots of autochorissexuals claim not to think about their own sexual involvement even in fantasy, whereas I can still be involved hypothetically. Admittedly not as much, as I often just imagine other people together and I’m purely watching, like a movie kind of thing :P

And argh yes Wandering Ace you’re right, it might be sexual repression :S I’m not sure how I’ll find that one out!

RainbowFudge thank you for your insightful message! ^^ It is nice to know that there are others out there. The comment you made about it potentially taking one amazing sexual experience definitely resonated with me. You know, the "aww, you just haven't met the right person” kind of response that you could get from people (or even think yourself) -_- I guess there isn't a perfect explanation for anything, and no term is fully encompassing of a person's feelings.

Yes, ultimately it is up to the individual when it comes to something like this, but that certainly doesn't make it any easier! :P

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BlueButterflies

I think about having sex with people, I watch and read erotica and I am aroused by it.

I still experience primary sexual attraction and I want to engage in sexual acts with people

Frozenfractals, I have to say that this is me too. Those terms are interesting. And I'll look them up in a minute, but I just wanted to say that what you wrote in your first comment is kind of what I'm feeling too. I'm still trying to figure myself out, though.

I've only had one experience where I was intimate with someone. And we got each other off. I was turned on, but I think moreso from the stimulation and not actually him. and I didn't like giving him a hand job, It was tiring and complelety different. I enjoyed kissing and I like to cuddle. i havent really had the change or opportunity to engage in sexual acts with someone else and I don't know if I really want to.

I guess I'm just saying that I'm glad that they're are other people here that feel similar and I just have to continue to explore the terms and find out what they mean to me. :)

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Betty Badinbed

Hey frozenfractals – I’m new as well, and you have brought up a very interesting topic!

And I have learnt something new - thanks to you and Wandering Ace – I had no idea about the term autochorissexual, and I think it very much applies to me.

A definition I found: “A disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies, or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein.”

Like you, I occasionally experience attraction to people – more and more these days, I find my head turning at good-looking people , of both genders, on the street. I enjoy these feelings! But I definitely feel that disconnection too.

(1) I can’t imagine myself with them. There’s no ‘I’ or ‘me’ involved in any way, there is simply an admiration of their hotness that doesn’t require me to ever be involved.

(2) Like you, when the chance comes around to be with someone, any desire to do so just evaporates. I used to put it down to performance anxiety, but I think it’s deeper than that, as I’ve become older and more chilled and comfortable with myself.

This happened to me just before Christmas recently. After a Christmas party, a guy I’ve known for a while and always slightly fancied – long story, but we ended up back at my place which was nearby, a a little drunk and having a pash on my sofa. And though I fancied him, I now felt – nothing. Not a thing. Yet, he sighed and said ‘Wow, that was really dirty kissing. That was like behind the bike sheds at school!” (He’s unhappily married – another thing that niggled at me.) And I’m thinking ‘really??? It was so NOT, for me.’ Then he wanted to take me to bed, and I fobbed him off with “I’ve got my period” (not really) “I don’t have any condoms” (true) and “You’re married so I don’t feel right about it.” (also true) So yeah, any attraction I’d had for him just vanished at the bedroom door, and I couldn’t wait to get him out of there. ( I wonder, if I had been sexual, whether I would have taken advantage of the situation, or still had morals about sleeping with a married man. But that’s beside the point here. )

The interesting thing about me, and my possible autochorisexuality, is that my sexual fantasies never involve myself. I simply can’t fantasise about myself having sex, because I lack any sense of sexiness. It seems ridiculous, and not at all sexy, to have ME there! Consequently, when I do have actual sex, I feel disconnected – a kind of out of body experience, as though I am viewing myself in a play, going through the expected moves. Naturally, because I am ‘out of body’, there’s no way my body is going to respond in any expected way. With my recent long-term partner, I did manage – through being familiar with him – to bring myself back into my body. At best I could get relaxed while waiting for him to climax, and from time to time I could feel the nice ooze of oxytocin in the brain, which can come from being hugged.

I do have sexual fantasies – many of them, and they sustain me in my alone-time. But I have created characters, male and female, both who stand in for me, and who wear the features of various rotating hot celebrities, or the good-lookers I’ve seen on the street. *looks for blush icon* :redface: :redface: I sort of collect visuals to add to my inner world. Not sure I can write much more about this at the moment as I’ve never expressed it in writing before! But I’ll think about it.

Anyway, thank you for opening this topic! You are not alone. ^_^ To summarise for me - I am definitely not sex-repulsed, I like reading about sex, I like sexy films, I am interested in it as a topic, and I enjoy a little private moment when I feel a small momentary burst of sexual attraction for someone. But as an analogy, it's kind of like my friend who adores all things Italian. She's lived in Italy, she can speak the language, she cooks the cuisine etc --- but she'll never actually be Italian herself.

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Wow, you learn something new everyday. I guess this is why I joined AVEN, to figure out who I am, where I fall on the spectrum....I must say I can identify with this to an extent. I do sometimes fantasize and can get aroused, but that's where the 'fun' stops. Even though I fantasize/get aroused, I don't really want to take part in any form of sexual activity. I've pretty much discovered I am repulsed by most acts if it involves me.

I haven't had sex yet and this is the only thing I am willing to try because I want a family one day and in my fantasies it's romanticized (which makes me more willing to try it out?), but even 'basic sex' looks SOOO unpleasant and unnatural in porn/homemade videos :blush:

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What Monstergirl said. I can recognise some autochorissexual traits in myself - that disconnect between fantasy and reality really resonates. There have been a couple times where I've got to know somebody well and developed a romantic attraction (which I never pursued), whereas when the attraction was pursued by the other person, I backed away, and quick. Good thread, thanks everybody...

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