Being confused by physical touch?

[Francoise Wang]

I identify as heteromantic asexual female, and even before I realized my asexuality, I was always confused by my reaction towards physical touch.

When I touch (or be touched) by a men I find attractive enough to me, the feeling could be very marvelous. It's like having electricity go through my body, getting butterflies in my stomach, and my mind goes blank. It can trigger my romantic feelings towards this man (Of course not touching everyone or every men can make me feel like this, physical contact would be repulsive to me if the person isn't attractive enough to me, I'm generally a little more touch aversed than average people). The physical contact I mean is like holding hands, hugging, touching in a non-sexual way with both clothes on etc. I'm very sensitive to physical touch with the person I find attractive enough.

But when that person tries to go further, like French kissing, touching genitals, foreplay I would suddenly feel nothing. It wouldn't be excting or intimate to me anymore, it would just be boring. It seems my mind can only process physical touch that's no more than touching with clothes on and without genitals (or French kisses) involved. Once it goes further, my mind automatically blocks all the feeling, and I would be totally detached.

This happens when I date with people. It was always confusing to me and to the person I date. I guess sexual people would always want to go further when physical contact feels exciting to them, so it would be strange that my mind would stop to enjoy it when it goes beyond some point, and don't want to go any further. I don't understand why the "don't go any further" point is there, but I just am always like this.

So, I wonder if this is because of my asexuality? Does any other aces also experience this? Or you just don't have a strong feeling while having any kind of physical contact with the person you find attractive at the beginning?

[littlepersonparadox]

Hey. Some asexuals are touch repulsed. I know people who are even more touched repulsed than that. How were from what I can tell touch adversity is both within and outside the asexual community and is the same amount in both. It's just not very common.

[Francoise Wang]

Hey. Some asexuals are touch repulsed. I know people who are even more touched repulsed than that. How were from what I can tell touch adversity is both within and outside the asexual community and is the same amount in both. It's just not very common.

I'm also not very touch aversed. Just wondering why I can have a very strong feeling while having some non-sexual physical contact with the person I find attractive enough, but would stop feeling anything when the physical contact go further and become more sexual.

[Chardog]

Your brain is somehow cutting off positive emotional connections with regard to certain types of physical contact. People have different thresholds for such things, both pleasurable and painful. It's just another thing that makes each individual unique. Just because you like or dislike a certain kind of contact doesn't mean you will necessarily have the same feeling about all kinds of contact. I think we try too hard to generalize things as always or never when trying to understand ourselves and it just makes things more complicated than they need to be..

[chatelaine]

Hey. Some asexuals are touch repulsed. I know people who are even more touched repulsed than that. How were from what I can tell touch adversity is both within and outside the asexual community and is the same amount in both. It's just not very common.

I'm also not very touch aversed. Just wondering why I can have a very strong feeling while having some non-sexual physical contact with the person I find attractive enough, but would stop feeling anything when the physical contact go further and become more sexual.

This is really true for me too, actually. I can feel comforted by touch, from really specific people in very specific situations (like during something traumatic where a hug or being held is especially comforting, regardless of gender) and then there have been times where I have been very fond of someone and felt what you described when holding hands, hugging, even cuddling — but as soon as it turned to kissing and anything more, it was like a switch was flipped somewhere and suddenly it's like "Ehhh," and then I'd start thinking about just "getting it over with" so I wouldn't disappoint the guy.

[Jubal]

I'm a heteromatic asexually guy and have had almost exactly the same experience. I'm even a little touch adverse- I seem to have a smaller range of acceptable physical contact than most people. In relationships the more sexual acts have always been the price I was willing to pay for the much nicer cuddles.

The why of it? Perhaps it's as simple as you just have a different order of priorities than other folks for what kind of contact you enjoy. I know there are plenty of sexual people who have little interest in cuddling or even foreplay. It's not so much that something is switching off for you, just there are some acts you enjoy and others you don't, like everyone else.

[Elliptic]

I'm exactly the same way!

Holding hands, soft touches and light kissing can feel marvelous, but anything further is like eating unsalted bland oatmeal or staring at a blank wall and it's just not interesting anymore. Maybe it has to do with the inherent nature of being asexual :)

[Smmk]

Yeahh I am actually also like that. I think it indeed has a lot to do with asexuality :P

[romantic-woman]

if the guy is asexual i don't have problem to hug him or kiss him but nothing more than that. I feel more safe and cool though so i can enjoy a cute hug.

If a sexual comes closer to me i feel like you, i am afraid that he is gonna ask many things and that for him a hug or a kiss is a foreplay and that he has sexual things on his mind- turn off

[pipsuxx]

it seems kind of like the sensual attraction version of demisexual? so if demisexual is sexual attraction under a specific set of converging circumstances, then maybe you could consider yourself to be a demisensual heteroromantic asexual? just a thought. :)

[Guest]

Yeah , like me , like if I see a cute boy i would like to kiss them , but then if genitals or my body curves get involved it's like... Gross! , why would I want to touch or be touched on certain area of the body that look gross , I find faces can be attractive , but any part of the body that is Suppost to be sexy , I'm just like no! , if you think about it most sexual body parts are gross , I'm repulsed by my own curves , especially my behind , as butts remind me of going the toilet and then just because the female butt is enlarged apparantly it's Suppost to be attractive , but that not the case for me , it's like saying the smellier the dead cat the nicer it smells , it just doesn't make any logical sense to me , so why would I want a guy touching body parts that a.) is a poop machine but bigger so that's Suppost to be sexy ? B.) some wierd alien thingy (aka a vagina) and c.) two blobs of fat (aka my bewbs) , it's so strange how those three things are considered sexy , and as for te guy , there's two hairy balls dangling out of them with sagy skin around , and a long thing that White flem like goo comes out of , and it's just like not appealing to me , I realy for even understand why so many people obsess over sex ! But that just me i gues .

[WolfySnarl]

Oh, my gosh, this was really comforting for me to read because I feel pretty much the same way! I didn't even register it for whatever reason. And it is totally cool to feel this way. This would be a good way to explain who you are in regards to sexuality without using the buzzword asexual, if you don't want to. Just be like, "I have a different threshold regarding sexual things."

[Rainbow203]

I can totally relate to this too. In my case I started to back away and avoid any contact because it might lead to sex and my experience of sex was exactly that, cold, boring, switched off, don't like it, degrading. So why put myself through it just to please someone else? So relieved now I understand myself a bit more and I don't have to do that again.

[WoodwindWhistler]

OP, I understand what you're saying. I didn't get anything out of French kissing, but nibble or suck on my ear and I get a looot of sensations. XD

Granted, I have had a bit of sexual contact. The thing is, my body was reacting to it, my breathing was hitched, etc, and yet I was sitting there mentally going, is this it? This is what people obsess so much about? It's okay, maybe even good, but it's not something I would kill for (or manipulate, or embarrass myself, or spend money, or whatever other crazy stuff people do to get it).

a.) is a poop machine but bigger so that's Suppost to be sexy ? B.) some wierd alien thingy (aka a vagina) and c.) two blobs of fat (aka my bewbs) , it's so strange how those three things are considered sexy

This is coming at it from a slightly different angle, but three of my family members are overweight. They are like big, soft cuddly pillows, except they emanate warmth (and love too). Resting on or feeling something soft, that has some give to it, yet also retains its shape, is a nice feeling. That's only accounting for sensuality, though, and doesn't necessarily have to do with sexuality, but maybe it will give you some context for why people might like to touch boobs and butts at least. :P

(TMI warning:)

(You can touch a butt without the nasty stuff getting involved, just like you can kiss without slobbering all over each other. But yeah, genitals are pretty icky and slimy- circumcised men less so than uncircumcised, but nothing can be done for women, ha.)

[Guest]

a.) is a poop machine but bigger so that's Suppost to be sexy ? B.) some wierd alien thingy (aka a vagina) and c.) two blobs of fat (aka my bewbs) , it's so strange how those three things are considered sexy

This is coming at it from a slightly different angle, but three of my family members are overweight. They are like big, soft cuddly pillows, except they emanate warmth (and love too). Resting on or feeling something soft, that has some give to it, yet also retains its shape, is a nice feeling. That's only accounting for sensuality, though, and doesn't necessarily have to do with sexuality, but maybe it will give you some context for why people might like to touch boobs and butts

yeah I find it hard to connect sensual with sexual , but thanks for that I see now it's kind of like a teddy bear effect , yeah I find it very hard o understand why someone wants to have sex with something cute though , I think there must be a problem with the development of my brain in that department , like when I was little I was born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck maby that deprived me of vital oxygen or something lol , and now I'm going around the asexual forum wondering what happened .

[Ace of Cakes]

[Touching] can trigger my romantic feelings towards this man...The physical contact I mean is like holding hands, hugging, touching in a non-sexual way with both clothes on etc.

But when that person tries to go further, like French kissing, touching genitals, foreplay I would suddenly feel nothing. It wouldn't be excting or intimate to me anymore, it would just be boring. It seems my mind can only process physical touch that's no more than touching with clothes on and without genitals (or French kisses) involved. Once it goes further, my mind automatically blocks all the feeling, and I would be totally detached.

I'm a demi-heteroromantic ace female and I totally identify with this. I haven't ever gone further than French kissing/making out (edit: even with these I am pretty passive I have to admit), but once it gets too far on what I think of as my sexual-sensual scale my brain freaks out and doesn't really know what to do. It either does too much (thinking through every action) or too little (zoning out and either thinking about nothing or something entirely unrelated).

It's interesting how the things that seem to feel more intimate (from what I've heard) for sexuals can end up feeling less intimate for some of us aces, and vice versa!

[WoodwindWhistler]

a.) is a poop machine but bigger so that's Suppost to be sexy ? B.) some wierd alien thingy (aka a vagina) and c.) two blobs of fat (aka my bewbs) , it's so strange how those three things are considered sexy

This is coming at it from a slightly different angle, but three of my family members are overweight. They are like big, soft cuddly pillows, except they emanate warmth (and love too). Resting on or feeling something soft, that has some give to it, yet also retains its shape, is a nice feeling. That's only accounting for sensuality, though, and doesn't necessarily have to do with sexuality, but maybe it will give you some context for why people might like to touch boobs and butts

yeah I find it hard to connect sensual with sexual , but thanks for that I see now it's kind of like a teddy bear effect , yeah I find it very hard o understand why someone wants to have sex with something cute though , I think there must be a problem with the development of my brain in that department , like when I was little I was born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck maby that deprived me of vital oxygen or something lol , and now I'm going around the asexual forum wondering what happened .

Well, that's implying that there's a definite "cause" for asexuality and that it's a problem, neither of which is true. It's just a different way of perceiving things. ^_^

Yeah, I have to be careful of calling someone "cute" without giving any context for it first, because immediately what people think is that means sexual attraction. Whereas asexuals separate finding someone "aesthetically pleasing" from sexuality. Personally, I can find something aesthetically pleasing in almost anyone. The list of people I *wouldn't* in any way call cute, handsome, or pretty is shorter than the list of those I do. Even the word "cute" has so many kiddie connotations to me, so it's a weird word to use. The way I saw a drawing of chibis doing something vaguely sexual and it made me uncomfortable because that art style is meant to imitate what a child looks like.

In all honesty, to me, you can't appreciate someone's entire aesthetic without standing back and taking it in, so getting really close seems to be an antithesis to that, lol. Sensual attraction is another thing entirely.