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Should I ever come out?


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Sometimes I feel like coming out to anyone other than a serious romantic partner is unnecessary. I want to be honest with everyone, but I feel like anyone who I'm not dating won't care that I don't want to have sex. My friends would probably either think I'm just a prude or I just don't know how good it is yet. My family (all of whom are Catholic) would probably say I'm too young to be thinking about sex anyway (I'm 18).

Anyone who has come out: Did it help you at all?

Anyone who hasn't come out: Do you plan on coming out eventually?

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Coming out usually helped me, and allowed me to talk a lot more about the relationship problems that were affecting me at the time. You don't have to come out to anyone you don't feel a need to, especially if you feel like it wouldn't be worth it. Some members here said that they are perfectly content to never come out, because they never felt a need to.

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Llama-Overlord

I came out to my friends a while ago, but they all knew what asexual was so it went sort of easy and we haven't talked about it at all, which is sort of... Eh. I do feel a little better though, admitting it and all. Still working on coming out to my parents though since they don't know, it might be... Awkward.

I say if you want to come out, pick someone who you think would take it well and just say "Can i tell you something..." And judge from there how you feel. But it's not really something that needs to come out if it would make you uncomfortable saying it.

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Coming out is completely up to you. I came out to most of my family, and a couple of friends. It's nice that I can talk about asexuality with them, because most of them didn't know it was a thing. BUT, if you aren't comfortable talking about it, you don't have to at all! It really is no one else's business, unless you want it to be.

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Coming out is a personal decision. You can do it if you want to, and some people find it very liberating, but you're not obligated to if you feel uncomfortable or think people won't understand.

It's also not black and white- if you are unsure about being out to everyone, but have a few people you really want to tell, then go for it! You can find a middle ground. :)

As for my personal experience, I am semi-closeted. I have told about six of my closest friends about being aromantic and asexual. I did it because I wanted people I could talk about my sexuality with in real life, and I knew these particular friends would 100% accept me. I will most likely tell a few other close friends at some point in the future, but I haven't done it yet.

However, I don't think I will ever be fully out about my orientation. First of all, because with certain people, it's just awkward to talk about sex, even if I steer the conversation towards how I don't want it. There are also maybe people in my life (including some family members) that I know will never understand, and I figure its easier to let them think I'm straight than have them freak out that I'm queer. Maybe one day my opinion will change, but for now I don't think its necessary for everyone I know to know I'm ace.

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Stained Glass

It's all up to you! I came out for the simple reason that I always fet I was hiding something and it took so much off my chest. It helped ME accept MYSELF :D

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as someone who was much older than many AVENistes, here are my thoughts. If you are not feeling pressured by your family in particular to "settle down with someone" then why upset the situation. Speaking as an aro-Ace family are all I have, and I wouldn't want to alienate them. If, as happened to me, you find yourself in dark places and really dangerous mindsets they may be the rock you need to steady yourself. Also, they may suspect your true orientation anyway, but there may be a tacit understanding that the subject is never broached. When I accepted who I am, and declared my orientation publically, I still didn't tell some, older, family members, simply because as the first born of a generation I was expected to maintain the family name, and I don't want to hurt people in their eighties needlessly. I am quite happy for them to cling to the illusion that "I have never met the right person" until they die. Fortunately the middle generation agree and will not raise the subject when grandparents are around.

The problem comes when people try to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. Then, especially if they are in denial as to your true orientation, you may well have to navigate turbulent waters. Try introducing them to the concept of asexuality through AVEN, or, if you don't want them to know about this site, some other resource.

edit. Add Stained Glass's comment as well, it applies to most of us

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Well if somebody asks me what my orientation is, I would say I'm asexual because I don't experience sexual nor romantic attraction. It's the only answer I can give because I can't say that I'm bi or straight or whether (in romantic terms), so I have to go with asexual and if people can't accept or believe it that's their problem, not mine. I will stay true to who I am and I have to tell the truth. When I came out, I feel that it doesn't help me personally, I view it as a way of making myself and the community to become more visible. But after I came out in a class, I did experience some misunderstanding and ignorance because some classmates mis-intrepreted it, which is something I had to feel prepared for.

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Anime Pancake

Good question.

Personally, I think people should tell others that they are ace if they want to.

For example, I wanted to tell my friends that I'm asexual, so I told them.

I don't have a need to tell my family, so I haven't told them. It's been as simple as that for me personally.

I want my friends to know who I am, so I told them. I want people to know who I am as a person, how I feel about things, what my beliefs are, who I am.

At the same time, I do agree with you, that honestly there's really no reason to tell ordinary people in our lives that we don't have a desire to have sex lol

Basically, I think people should tell others if they want to. If someone doesn't want to tell anyone, I think that's fine too

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I haven't come out as such, but it's very easy to remain single when you're a man. Men (apart from ace men of course) have an inclination to be vultures towards single women - if anyone ever asked me out I'd consider an ace ring. I suppose the question is, what do you hope to gain by coming out?

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Thanks for all of the responses. I think for now I won't come out, but I won't lie if I'm asked. My biggest reason to come out was that I feel like I'm lying to people.

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Breathing....

Thanks for all of the responses. I think for now I won't come out, but I won't lie if I'm asked. My biggest reason to come out was that I feel like I'm lying to people.

Think I subconsciously decided this and so far have told 3 people 2 asked and 1 cos she was struggling to tell me something and my telling her something personal helped her (and to my surprise really helped me too). If you had asked me before this who I'd tell first 2 of the 3 wouldn't have made it into the top 10. Funny how the world works. Everyone else assumes I'm gay or that I just don't want to talk about it. I do feel bad that the one I'd most like to tell doesn't yet know, though probably suspects.

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I think it is completely up to you, and yeah, I completely agree with the not lying to people if they ask.

I'm totally going to steal my best friend's analogy here.

It's like me telling you I don't like horror films - that information does not concern or effect you. The only times I'd feel the need to tell you is if:

a) you asked me directly - to which I wouldn't lie

b) you wanted to do something that would require you to know (i.e. watch a horror film/ have sex)

If you want to come out, then of course that's fine, but just remember that it's your life, and the fact that you are asexual shouldn't effect anyone else. If they don't believe you (My mum didn't understand, and just thinks I haven't met the right person), then I think they're entitled to their opinions, but as long as they aren't acting on their opinion (i.e. trying to change you) then (in my opinion) you shouldn't be concerned about what they think. You are asexual, and as long as you are happy with that, that is fine.

Hope that all made at least a little bit of sense, and was helpful. These are all my own opinions - I'm quite relaxed and don't care about what people think of me, and I get that not everyone feels the same.

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