is asexuality involuntary?

[chair jockey]

Someone started a thread in another subforum asking whether gender identity can be a choice. I want to ask a different question that is differently framed: is asexuality involuntary? I know the question might seem ambiguous, but I've made it that way on purpose in order to permit the broadest range of responses based on the different ways people understand asexuality and volition. Have at it.

[Philip027]

The way you identify (presentation) is voluntary. The orientation itself is not.

[Guest]

I tried everything I could to force myself not to be asexual (before I learned about asexuality) but no matter what I did, was never able to desire sex (anything beyond kissing and cuddling and snuggling - im fine with the sensual stuff but once my genitals get involved its just.. argh, when will this be over so we can get back to the fun stuff???) with another person, no matter how attractive they were or whatever. Even if I was aroused, I didn't want the sex, and I never enjoyed it.

So for me, my asexuality was never a choice, it's just who I've always been no matter what I did to try and change it (same as a homosexual person trying to force themselves to have heterosexual sex to make themselves ''feel more hetero'' I guess... just doesn't work) .. as soon as I learned about asexuality, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I finally had an answer as to why I am the way I am, and realized that not only am I not 'broken' but that the way I feel is an actual sexual orientation. I may have cried when I first learned about asexuality from this 12 minute doco.. I know that's lame, but that's how utterly relieved I was.

I do choose to identify as asexual, that's my choice. I could just say: ''Im a broken pansexual person who feels all the normal feelings, I just have no interest at all in having partnered sex'' but I have no choice in what I innately am. I just can't change that or choose not to be it (no matter how hard I tried to choose that in the past, before I learned about asexuality)

Anyway, I'm not exactly sure if that's what you were asking, but that's my two cents on the topic

[dash]

What is "not voluntary" for me is that I am incapable of consenting to physical sex. I am not merely repulsed by it (some people who are incapable of consenting aren't repulsed at all, they find it pretty fascinating, but could never do it). Nor am I capable of consenting but am choosing not to, for any number of reasons (including finding it gross or not liking the sensations of it). Despite being of age, and meeting the legal presumption of capacity to consent (because laws are broad and sweeping and not granular down to individual differences), I actually am not able to do so -- whatever switch flips in most people's heads when they grow up, that makes them capable of consenting to it and in most cases also wanting it, didn't flip in mine. Even if (for some social pressure reason) I really really wanted to do it, e.g. to fulfill some social obligation, I would actually be incapable of doing so. (A truly terrifying thought if I lived in a time and/or place where I could not say no.) I've known this about myself since puberty/early adolescence (11, 12, 13), when "some day you're going to want to do this thing, not today but in the future" suddenly became a narrative people were applying to me and my body, and every fiber of my being just went HELL NO. Not a case of "some day," or "eventually" -- it was GET ME OFF THIS BUS RIGHT NOW.

Now, all this was long before the term asexual came along. So I certainly don't need this term or any other term in order to be the way I am. But my orientation is not a choice.

[poindexter]

Yeah, I think it is. We can't help the way we feel about these things, and even if we want to understand why people experience sexual attraction/desire, or how it feels, most aces would be doing so from the outside looking in.

Not having sex is voluntary, not wanting it is involuntary, at least in my experience.

[deltaX]

I think that asexuality, like any orientation, is involuntary. I didnt chose to be the way that I am, and I couldn't change it if I wanted to.

I could change the label I used to describe myself or my sexual behavior, and that would all be voluntary, but the underlying asexuality is just a part of who I am.

[Eva]

I've never had a desire for romance or partnered sex. I've never had a romantic or sexual attraction to other people. I never fantasize about it. I'm never aroused by thoughts about it, or conversations, or representations of it. I don't remember doing anything to train myself to lack these emotional and physical feelings, so I suppose it was involuntary for me from a very early age.

[Rising Sun]

I can't choose to be attracted to someone or not, so my orientation is involuntary in that regard. Of course, if I could experience attraction to others, I could try to repress my feelings, but with a very high risk for my mental health (which is why if I were an allosexual person, I wouldn't choose a celibate lifestyle). My identification and my way of life are the result of the acceptance of my deep nature, something I didn't choose. I live in accordance with my partial lack of sexual and romantic instincts in order to feel more like myself and happier than if I tried to go against who I am. It's a way to respect my body and what nature gave me (or didn't give me, to be exact).

[Satin]

Well I tried to be straight and that didn't work out obviously.

[House of Chimeras]

A person can't just make themselves naturally be sexually attracted to another person. Of course sexual and romantic orientation is complex and can have exceptions depending on the individual, but those feelings and gut reactions just happen for them. So, someone who naturally lacks any sexual attraction, that isn't a choice. Its a choice if they accept how they are and a choice what they do or do not label themselves, but how they feel and don't feel isn't voluntary.

[R_1]

Even if you're not born that way, it's still not a choice. My heterosexuality died on it own. I was not born this way.

[bittersweet988]

Well, just like any other orientations, you don't choose to be a certain way. If you don't like sex, you don't, there's not much you can do about it.

[Jwondering]

trust me, ive tried to enjoy sex and foreplay but i just dont enjoy it, simple as that..if i could change it, i would as my relationships would have lasted longer..im mid 30s and have tried plenty of times but if the enjoyment hasnt happened yet, its going to happen...its that simple, i am who i am..

[kat_xk8]

I'm asexual due my birth defect / androgenous insensitivity syndrome . I didn't chose the birth defect , I truly was born this way.

Celibacy is voluntary

Asexuality is not

[Xavy]

i can only speak for myself here, my sexuality is not voluntary.

[GoldenaLy]

It is not voluntary for me. I remember how hard I tried to develop crushes when I was 11 or 12, like everyone else was doing - and I just couldn't make it happen. This isn't a choice I made; it's just how I am.

[pipsuxx]

the whole point about orientations is that they are involuntary. how you behave sexually is voluntary. an asexual person can have sex voluntarily, an (allo)sexual person can be celibate voluntarily. expression of (a)sexuality is a choice, the sexuality itself is not. i think i speak for a lot of asexual people when i say that i wouldn't choose asexuality if i got to pick.

[SMW22792]

For me personally, I think it is. Sex was just one of those things that never came to mind until I was around 17-18. When it did, I knew my feelings about that particular subject weren't shared by many. I started questioning why others craved sex so much. After a little bit of Google searching, I stumbled upon asexuality.

I've never felt attracted to someone based off sexuality at all. That entire concept really confuses me. If it works out for others, great. Just don't bash me because I don't understand/have no interest.