Psychiatrists and asexuality: anyone experienced this?

[Hwaet]

I was speaking with my psychiatrist about my newly-found asexuality, and he was polite and compassionate but suggested that everyone had a libido to some degree, and he seemed to believe that a thing like asexuality as an orientation was something that could not possibly exist. He kept talking about my depression coinciding with my lack of libido. Has anyone else had this type of talk with a psychiatrist?

[Scottthespy]

Several people on this site have put up threads about mental health doctors of several kinds having issues with asexuality. Some, like yours, are polite and professional, if misinformed, but others are downright rude, letting personal opinions show through. People have reported having doctors tell them flat out that they're wrong, and they need medical tests to find out what's wrong with them, and in one occasion, apparently, a psychiatrist laughed at the notion of asexuality.

I think the main problem is that it takes a while to earn your degree for mental health work, and the doctors with the best recommendations and the best reputations are those who've been practicing for a while. They're a little older, and Asexuality as a legitimately recognized thing is fairly new. Its not in their books, so they don't acknowledge it. There's no(or little enough not to be credible yet) science or studies on it yet, so they couldn't give a professional opinion on it if they wanted to.

Since yours was polite about it, you could try talking about it more, describing and explaining, but that would be you paying to teach them something, instead of paying to have them help you with other issues. Unless them understanding asexuality becomes necessary because they've started making suggestions that have to do with sexuality, I'd probably keep discussion of it casual.

[FiddleKid]

Yes when I was with MH services they said I had sexual dysfunction and thought it was due to my meds I didn't even bother trying to explain. I hate most psychiatrists.

[Rückenwind]

Well yea...and some of those docs can be really hard. If you do not have the right one, he will say: you are abnormal, we work on your sexuality. damn, I hated it so much, I was there cause of problems within family and friends. it was like "well, now we learn how to feel sexually normal" <-< at the end it was kind of disgusting...

[whitesphere]

To be fair, it is important to rule out medical causes which might signal a serious physical problem, before assuming you're naturally asexual. I don't know what problems could cause a sexual person to have abnormally low (for them) libido, but it's important to rule that out first.

Also, when you go to a psychiatrist, who are used to the medical practice of "Give medication to fix problems," even the best will fall into the "When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail" mindset.

As asexuality becomes more widely known, and more people who are asexual have been medically screened to show there are no medical abnormalities causing the asexuality, then you'll see psychiatrists becoming less likely to consider it a dysfunction.

I'm sure homosexuality went through the same things when it started to become more widely known. For quite awhile, it was in the DSM, the "bible" with which psychologists and psychiatrists diagnose patients, as a mental illness.

Even the best doctors and psychiatrists still live in this society as people as well, so consciously or not they'll have picked up some measure of their values from society at large.

[Member7783]

I've discussed asexuality with my therapist, and she was surprisingly understanding. She didn't look at me like I was speaking some foreign language, and she took time to ask me a bunch of questions about my views. It's never been an "issue" for our talks, and she accepts that the way I identify is how I identify. I think she's more understanding because she's quite young (she's younger than I am), and she's also the type of therapist that doesn't rely solely on what she learned in school in her textbooks - she does a lot of reading to keep abreast of things so she can be a more effective therapist to her patients. I'm pretty lucky to have her.

[Certified Cake Decorator]

Maybe explain to them that libido and attraction are different and separate for you? (If those are)

Because some people can be Aromantic and asexual and still have a libido. It's quite annoying, from personal experience.

[Hwaet]

There is a difference, as some of you kind folds have suggested, between therapists and psychiatrists. My therapist fully embraces my asexuality; my psychiatrist is more reserved about it. The difference in the medical and humanistic perspectives on the concept of libido is really quite telling, at least where I'm calling from. I say this without bitterness, though, because I am fortunate enough to receive both types of services, and many cannot enjoy such a luxury.

Folds? Sorry, you are folks, not folds.

[Contrarian Expatriate]

Why is this a surprise? If you want to explore your issues with asexuality, you should choose therapists who have actual training on the matter.

Your particular therapist equated libido with desire for sex. While that might be one and the same for most people, asexuals can indeed have pent-up sexual tension, but no desire for sexual intercourse or other sexual activity.

Lesson here is choose your therapist after doing inquiries about professional training and familiararity with asexuality.

[Hwaet]

Unfortunately, many of us, although we get services for mental health, don't exactly get much of a choice on whom we see, especially away from a larger city or prestigious hospital.

[syntaxlost]

I think the main problem is that it takes a while to earn your degree for mental health work, and the doctors with the best recommendations and the best reputations are those who've been practicing for a while. They're a little older, and Asexuality as a legitimately recognized thing is fairly new. Its not in their books, so they don't acknowledge it. There's no(or little enough not to be credible yet) science or studies on it yet, so they couldn't give a professional opinion on it if they wanted to.

I've definitely had experiences that align with this. My first therapist (who was young) had an intake form that allowed you to write in your own gender identity and sexuality, and when she read over "Genderqueer asexual" she didn't even blink, but just asked me my preferred pronouns. She didn't end up working out for other reasons, but that was definitely a stand out experience.

My second one, whom I've stuck with, is much older, and is listed as working with "LGBT issues," but clearly there's not much more than those letters that he's familiar with. I've ended up kind of avoiding the topic of gender and sexuality all together, but mostly just because that's the least of my worries at this point. I would say maybe a good litmus test for therapists and possibly psychiatrists (I'm sure medical standards require different things, in many cases) is to see what their intake forms look like. Are you being asked to circle "straight/gay/bisexual"? Probably wont be as familiar with asexuality.

[tuvok]

Since you talk with him anyways I suggest that you present your definition of asexuality and then talk from there.

We have invented a lot of terms to be able to separate emotions and desires and you cannot expect everyone to know about all of this when you talk to new people.

It seems like his view is that everyone has a libido whether it peaks once a day, week or year. (If no libido means once per century then the idea falls a bit apart but hey...)

But (at least to me) libido is not the same as being attracted to someone.

I think it is healthy to ask questions.

[Contrarian Expatriate]

Unfortunately, many of us, although we get services for mental health, don't exactly get much of a choice on whom we see, especially away from a larger city or prestigious hospital.

Fair enough, but you can also ask your therapist to conduct research on an unfamiliar topic area specifically to address it with you. That approach is far more useful than to hope one knows about the concept and to ask him/her about it on the fly.

[Hwaet]

Unfortunately, many of us, although we get services for mental health, don't exactly get much of a choice on whom we see, especially away from a larger city or prestigious hospital.

Fair enough, but you can also ask your therapist to conduct research on an unfamiliar topic area specifically to address it with you. That approach is far more useful than to hope one knows about the concept and to ask him/her about it on the fly.

True, BLACE, very true. I'm new to this, and I am learning how to ask for what I want. This is a good way to ask, and a real solution. I will try; thank you.

[ohmless]

In my case the point would be totally moot since I have to stay on my meds for life anyways. I was always like this prior to starting the medicine also though I have life long depression. I never brought it up with mental health professionals yet mainly because I just discovered this about myself but I have fears of coming out to them.

as a physician I can understand that there are things they need to check out to make sure nothing is wrong. Unfortunately as a physician I had absolutely no training on sexuality beyond disease risk factors for different behaviors. I also went to one of the top schools in the country for primary care so I could only imagine what doctors are left to think when they have even less training on the subject than I did.

[kelico]

Yes, I've had a similar experience with my psychiatrist. Well, it was more like he stared at me, confused...for the most part, he chalked it up to my social anxiety and depression. He didn't deny its existence, but he wasn't sure if I was sure. I'm sorry that your psychiatrist denied asexuality outright. : ( Unfortunately, it seems to be a common question mark since there isn't as much visibility.

[Butterfly Belle]

My doctor laughed at me when I told her, and she said I just had to find the right guy. She has since done some research and found an article about an asexual woman online and she now believes me. My psychologist was supportive when I told her and she was going to check out the AVEN forums. And I live in a small town with not many choices for mental health but I think luck and maybe God were on my side and I just managed to get a good doctor and psychologist the first time. I probably will have to go see a psychiatrist though so that may not be as good an experience.

[chatha]

First experience: private therapist: Gave me porn to watch. ???!!! No thank you.

Second Private therapist: just after my money. Would absolutely cut me of mid-sentence when time was up and threaten to charge me for another session if I talked further. Would not take 'no' to scheduling appointments. Told me I would owe if I was scheduled but did not show up. Even when I told him I could no longer afford him. Tell me: Was I dishonest? I let him schedule "one last session" to which I did not go. And I stiffed him the payment. His license should have been revoked. I was nearly suicidal by the time I got away from that one. Not to mention broke.

Had two very excellent Mental Health Center therapists. MHC therapists don't seem to last long though. Those offices seem to go through therapists like Kleenex. The lack of continuity is a disconcerting jolt every time you're told, "Today the part of your therapist will again be played by a complete stranger." Have to start over from the beginning every time and you never know how the newbie will react to you. Not worth the stress. For example:

MHC Therapist: Have been laughed at. To my face. He got reported.

MHC Therapist: Have been accused of being a repressed homosexual or being in denial of homosexuality. Then she wanted to spend the session talking about her lesbian "friend" whom I took to mean herself. (Wait. Shouldn't I have been the one getting paid?) And just because I don't want to have sex with a woman makes me gay? I don't want have sex with a man either. Eww. Seriously how do these people get their licenses?

Psychiatrist: Have been told to my face I'm crazy. Really? Just because I was depressed to the point of being suicidal and didn't understand myself or know how to articulate what I was feeling? Seriously? Oh like that totally helped. Not. Dumb quack. [Note to self: Avoid the UAB System.]

On the whole, I'd say psychiatry and psychology are w-a-a-a-y overrated. And my master's degree was going to be in therapy. (Alas, I dropped out half way through. Too depressed. Can't help but laugh at the irony.) I don't use their services any more. No longer feel I need them. No longer feel they are valid or adequate. Money stays in my pocket to be spent on things more useful or worthwhile.

Also, never trust co-workers. Ever. Especially if/when they seem a bit too keen on knowing about you. Don't befriend them outside work. Don't date them. Only work with them. Be courteous and a team player on the job. Keep the conversations strictly job related. Personally, be guarded. Be very guarded. Or you might end the up the subject of much gossip on facebook and twitter and around the work place. I understand what my Dad means when he says, "Keep your own counsel and tell nothing you don't have to." How very wise my Dad is! Of course, what you don't tell might also be fabricated most unflatteringly. It's a no win. But at least it won't be your real 'secrets.' Control the flow of info.

So I pray, read Scripture, talk to family, think and meditate, and go off alone to scream or cry, and repeat. Much more helpful. And much cheaper. I use one name at work (which in the original language just happens to mean "veil") and my first name among family and friends. In the long run, I'm not depressed any more. Now I realize I am OK. Just a lonely asexual. After all that, my reaction is, "Oh is that all it was? How very simple. Why did that have to be so hard?"

[DigitalBookDust]

My therapist (private practice PsyD) was extremely supportive. I haven't yet seen my psychiatrist (private practice MD) but suspect he'll be the same. He's not judgmental and doesn't want to change who I am, just ensure that I stay stable with minimal side-effects from my meds. I don't require intricate polypharmacology, thank goodness, and I've no crises going on, merely some pleasant self-discovery. I'm lucky to be able to afford private care and not have to go to the local community clinic. The standard of care is much higher.

[Xavy]

I had a psychiatrist tell me that there was probably some childhood abuse that I am blocking out that is causing me to think I am asexual. She said that meds has helped her patients who were confused like me, and meds could probably help me as well. So, yeah, this attitude to asexuality seems common with psychiatrists.

[potato-chip]

My therapist is great - specialises in Sexual orientation and gender identity issues, and told me she has other clients who identify as ace also. She accepted it without judgement, in fact she was happy for me, that I found a way to identify that I liked! She is not a psychiatrist. And, I am comfortable in my asexuality, so we don't talk about it much - we talk instead about my tried, depression, and anxiety instead.

OP, your psychiatrist already showed his ignorance by asking about libido - plenty of aces do have libidos. Asexual orientation is not about libido, as I understand it. If you are happy with the treatment he giving you for other issues, then maybe stick to talking about that? If you are content in your ace-ness and your psych doesn't try to treat you for it, then maybe you can work around it. But if you need him to understand, then maybe send him some educational material, to give him a chance to learn. If he STILL doesn't support you the way you need after that, then he might not be the right fit for you!

[chatha]

Some people are just desperate for everyone to "breed and feed". But some of us just aren't breeders.

I count myself very blessed that my family is supportive. Especially my mom. She was the one who introduced me to the term "asexual." She said, "You know there are thousands of asexuals like you." I asked her what she called me. I'd never heard the term before. She said, "Asexual." I asked what that means. She explained. It was like the lights came on, the storm clouds parted, the sun came out. "Is that what I am?" "Yeah, and there's even a website..."

Thanks, Mom!

No therapy in the world quite like "I love you" and a hug, whether giving or getting.

And I'm proud and thrilled to be part this community! {{{HUG}}} I love you!

[Vestal]

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[Absol]

I saw a therapist, who laughed in my face at the idea of asexuality as an orientation, then told me there was no way it was a thing. Romance is only a precursor to sex, end of discussion. I saw a psychiatrist after that, and he was polite, but referred to it as a disorder, not an orientation. At least he didn't fixate on it; he said if I wasn't concerned and wanting to fix it then there was no point talking about it. I saw another counsellor after that, who was also polite, but he too would not acknowledge asexuality as being a sexual orientation. He also called it a disorder. It would be nice if these people would actually do some research before jumping to conclusions about topics they clearly don't understand. :/

[Vestal]

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[December12]

It would be nice if these people would actually do some research before jumping to conclusions about topics they clearly don't understand.

Totally agree! All those unprofessional and ignorant psychiatrists should learn from Dr. Lori Brotto:

Thanks for linking to this, really good video! I have now forwarded this to the psychosexual therapist I attempted to talk about asexuality to and who told me "you're not asexual" after five minutes because she thought asexuals can't feel arousal. Kind of glad to hear that there is reason not to take therapists' words as gospel... though also sad this seems to be such a common experience.

[Vestal]

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[Francoise Wang]

I don't have this kind of experience, because I've never went to a psychiatrist or therapist or anything similar. I don't need to see a psychiatrist or therapist for being asexual.

Also, if I have to go to a psychiatrist or therapist because of other mental health issue which is not related to sexual orientations one day in the future, I wonder why I would have to tell them my sexual orientation? (I don't think I would tell them unless they absolutely need this information to give me treatment.)

[rilakkuma]

my therapist is actually who made me realise i may have been asexual, and shes totally supportive of it

[Monadnock]

I can think of two reasons why mental health professionals might be skeptical of asexuality:

1) Any training based on Freudian ideas assumes that sexual development underpins many developments in personality. I am not an expert on Freudian theory, but I would think that asexuality would be impossible to reconcile with Freud's ideas. On the other hand, many Freudians used to regard homosexuality as being stuck in an early developmental stage, and this idea seems to be on the way out except with confirmed homophobes. (If you want to blow your mind sometime, read "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex" from the 1960s, which was one of the first books I read on sex. It starts with an attitude toward heterosexual sex that was very open for its time, but then mocks homosexuality at every opportunity.)

2) In general, mental health professionals have tended to subscribe to the idea that repression of sexuality is harmful. They often see themselves as standing up for people who are escaping confining upbringings and bad relationships. So when a person declares that he/she is asexual, a therapist may think that the person is victimizing himself or herself ("internalized oppression"). It may be harder for them to see the other side of the coin, that asexual people suffer from internalized oppression when they attempt unsuccessfully to become sexual.