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Demisexual experiences


Hooded_Crow

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Dear community :)

Here's the deal. Because of recent (well, relatively recent) developments with my also asexual partner, I find myself in-between labels and am looking for guidance.

People who identify as demisexual, could you please describe to me your experiences? Now. That's where it gets important. I would like you to describe your experiences to me without ever using the expressions "sexual attraction" or "emotional bond". This is why: I'm not looking for a definition of demisexuality. I know the whole "no sexual attraction until a deep emotional bond has been established" thing. But it doesn't help.

What I want to know is how you see you partner? What is your relationship to sex? How/when did you start developing something new towards them and how did it feel? Do you feel that you're sexual when it comes to your partner and asexual when it comes to everyone else?

Basically, I'm looking for precise descriptions of feelings and desires, so I can compare with my own feelings and desires and see if maybe I fit the label.

Here's my own description.

I'm in love and in a long-distance relationship, so the following is entirely cyber/fantasized. I'm not 100% sure how any of this would pan out if we were physically together, but I'm thinking it probably would be the same kind of interactions.

I love cuddling, kissing and generally being physically affectionate with my partner.

I also have a libido, and am able to experience arousal. Now, when we're being affectionate and close, I tend to get aroused, and so does my partner. When that happens, we are very happy to push into the sexual realm and give each other sexual pleasure. This is because we love each other and want to share everything. Everything that has cyber-happened between us has been manual and oral. Nothing penetrative.

Aside from those moments, when my libido works up on its own, I sometimes masturbate.

If sexual contact wasn't part of the relationship for one reason or another, I wouldn't mind at all. If I wasn't in a relationship, I wouldn't be seeking out a sexual partner. I never, ever, look at someone and find them appealing in a sexual way. Hell, I don't even think of my partner in a sexual way.

There. I'm not sure if I'm ace or demi.

That's why I'm looking for other people's experiences, to see what it's like to be demi, and if I might be.

Xx

Crow

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from what I have read on here, it seems to be simply put like this: A demi guy will be potentially completely repulsed by any random short red headed girl while when you ask him about his girlfriend rita (also a short red headed girl) he would drop everything and have sex with her if she randomly appeared in front of him

The difference is that in the first scenario this demi guy is pretty much asexual to any random short red head girl but pretty much nonasexual to his girlfriend Rita (or what most sexual people would be like to any trait they were attracted to)

So demi in the sense that sometimes ace sometimes allo only for a certain person.

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TMI:

This is a strictly individual experience, so please bear in mind not all demisexuals think this way. I have only felt sexual attraction once, which was with only my ex-partner. This is why I sometimes refer to myself as demisexual. For me, demisexuality is when I don't mind sharing my sexuality with someone I love.

Usually, I'm sex-repulsed. I'm a realist when it comes to the concept of sex itself, but I feel grossed out and intensely uncomfortable when people share their sexuality with me. To give an example, when I see them make sex jokes, express their sexual attraction to someone ('oh god my boyfriend/this actor is so sexually attractive'), or being sexually suggestive/flirty with someone. It doesn't matter if that someone is me or someone else, it makes me feel uncomfortable/repulsed.

However, with my ex-partner, it was very different. I didn't mind sharing my sexuality with him. I didn't mind the thought of having sex with him, and didn't mind saying sexual things with him (i.e. sex jokes). He said he would want to have sex with me one day, and the thought of me being the one who would give him sexual pleasure made me happy. Anything sexual that was kept between the two of us was 'okay' for me. I wasn't uncomfortable/repulsed at all, which I would be with anyone else. But this was because I loved him and wanted to share everything with him. Not just my sexuality, but to share my time, interests and anything I could with him. In fact, I wouldn't have minded not having sex with him at all. But if he wanted it, I'd gladly give it to him.

So for me, the point when feeling sex-repulsed (uncomfortable about sharing my sexuality with anyone) changes to being indifferent, or even willing to share my sexuality with someone (e.g. having partnered sex, sharing sex jokes) is one of the signs of loving someone. Though of course, that would come together with various signs of love. I would feel genuine care, overwhelming need to give him things unconditionally etc.

I hope that helped you in some way :)

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Thanks guys :) that's very interesting.

See, this is why I'm having trouble identifying accurately. I can't relate at all to the first idea of demisexuality, the "being sexual in the same way sexual people are sexual, when it comes to my partner" thing. I know there's something sexual people feel that I don't feel, even towards my partner. I don't find him hot or look at him in a sexual way.

Only when getting close and cuddly with him do I begin desiring sexual contact. And even then, not always.

But I do absolutely relate to that second response. This experience of wanting to share everything with the person I love. So if that's demisexuality, then yes. That's what I am.

I'll wait and see what other people have to say :) thank you!

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.

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I guess I get that sort of "hunger" feeling, but for me it's more of a hunger for cuddles and kisses. More like I want him very close to me. And then we get close and it becomes sexual. But my initial pull is not sexual. It's sensual. Do you specifically want sexual intercourse with these partners? Do the sexual feelings have anything to do with the way they look or move or their voice? Does that become "sexy" to you when the switch occurs?

Thank you thank you <3 this is awesome, you guys ^^

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Do you specifically want sexual intercourse with these partners? Do the sexual feelings have anything to do with the way they look or move or their voice? Does that become "sexy" to you when the switch occurs?

I'm struggling to put this into words... I never have the desire for full sex but if circumstances allowed it would probably go that far each time, yeah.

It's definitely to do with the way they move.

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I don't think I feel physically attracted in the stereotypical way. My way to feel attracted is more mental, and physical attraction is more a kind of by-product. When I'm in a relationship, I feel sensual urges towards my partner, and sometimes it can turn more sexual if I want, but it's not something I consider as a real need. I just see sex as one of the numerous ways to express love, not something above other ways to express love. If I had a partner who wanted everything but who wanted no kisses, it would be OK. Same for sex. Actually, I consider cuddles more important.

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Do you specifically want sexual intercourse with these partners? Do the sexual feelings have anything to do with the way they look or move or their voice? Does that become "sexy" to you when the switch occurs?

I'm struggling to put this into words... It's not always the desire for full sex but if circumstances allowed it would probably go that far each time, yeah.

It's definitely to do with the way they move! My umm... "obsession" (for lack of a better word) at the moment I would happily watch and listen to for hours, but the entire time I would have to keep my hands occupied and the hair on the back of my neck would be on end. I can struggle to be in their company but not in a horrible way, but because it can be difficult to control, especially as I don't know if it's reciprocated.

Yeah it's the sexy switch...

Ah, interesting. So you feel a switch. I didn't feel a switch. I just naturally started sharing more and more stuff with my partner, and eventually became comfortable enough to share my sexuality with him as well. To me, sexual touch is just another kind of affectionate touching that just happens to satiate libido at the same time.

I absolutely can keep my hands off my partner. Well that is, in a sexual way. Cause I'm often quite cuddly. But I'm not spontaneously aroused by his outer characteristics.

Also, worth noting, if cuddles were to disappear from the relationship, I would suffer. But if sexual touching was to disappear from the relationship, I would just take care of my libido on my own and share other things with my partner, no problem there.

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Do you specifically want sexual intercourse with these partners? Do the sexual feelings have anything to do with the way they look or move or their voice? Does that become "sexy" to you when the switch occurs?

I'm struggling to put this into words... It's not always the desire for full sex but if circumstances allowed it would probably go that far each time, yeah.

It's definitely to do with the way they move! My umm... "obsession" (for lack of a better word) at the moment I would happily watch and listen to for hours, but the entire time I would have to keep my hands occupied and the hair on the back of my neck would be on end. I can struggle to be in their company but not in a horrible way, but because it can be difficult to control, especially as I don't know if it's reciprocated.

Yeah it's the sexy switch...

Ah, interesting. So you feel a switch. I didn't feel a switch. I just naturally started sharing more and more stuff with my partner, and eventually became comfortable enough to share my sexuality with him as well. To me, sexual touch is just another kind of affectionate touching that just happens to satiate libido at the same time.

I absolutely can keep my hands off my partner. Well that is, in a sexual way. Cause I'm often quite cuddly. But I'm not spontaneously aroused by his outer characteristics.

Also, worth noting, if cuddles were to disappear from the relationship, I would suffer. But if sexual touching was to disappear from the relationship, I would just take care of my libido on my own and share other things with my partner, no problem there.

Switch is the first word that comes to mind. It just suddenly dawns on me that I find them sexy etc. It's not at all a gradual thing.

I think with time the desire would lessen, but like I said the relationships I had with these two were very short, and I'm still attempting to start a relationship with my current obsession (big mess of crap). My views on sex with someone that hasn't progressed from emotional are just meh, take it or leave it.

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I don't think I feel physically attracted in the stereotypical way. My way to feel attracted is more mental, and physical attraction is more a kind of by-product. When I'm in a relationship, I feel sensual urges towards my partner, and sometimes it can turn more sexual if I want, but it's not something I consider as a real need. I just see sex as one of the numerous ways to express love, not something above other ways to express love. If I had a partner who wanted everything but who wanted no kisses, it would be OK. Same for sex. Actually, I consider cuddles more important.

This. Exactly this.

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Ok, I would consider myself sexual in regards to my partner, but asexual in regards to everyone else. Whenever I develop an attraction to someone, (it's happened three times in my whole life) I'm always very confused and a bit upset, and that lasts for a while until I get used to the new feelings. It's like someone just flipped a switch and I now have new feelings I didn't have before. It's the same once it disappears after they treat me badly multiple times. I only become attracted to someone after I finally become comfortable with them. This can take a long time or after a short but intense experience when I really needed help. And looks are never a factor, or even gender. I still don't see my partner as attractive, it's just that the way they look become dear and familiar to me as time goes on, instead of looks just being a way to tell people apart. That has nothing to do with the attraction, which just springs up out of nowhere.

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Hi folks, I'm the OP's partner :blush:

I was wanting to post a thread like this for a while now because I've been going through somewhat of a similar quandary (a key difference between the OP and I being that I'm still not sure if what I experience is a sort of libido or sex drive, but overall the whole "am I actually demi?" question has still been in my mind too)

But... I am somewhat... longer-winded (not to mention possibly more easily distracted) and it has taken me longer to actually compose and post it.

In the meantime though, I had been looking here, eager to see what sort of responses there were, because they'd likely be applicable to us both in some way.

It has been a little difficult for us both to tell if we were actually demi, because it seems like although we share a few characteristics that make it seem like we are (things have been happening with each of us together that haven't really happened before with regard to other people), it's still not really sexual attraction. Neither of us have that whole "we feel like sexual people but only in regard to our partners" thing going on that seems to be what demisexuality is about.

So... it's been a bit confusing. But it's still been a wild and fun ride getting to this point, regardless. :wub:

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One thing to note is what causes "want sexual interaction" varies by person, it doesn't have to be a physical attraction as in "see them in a sexual light when I look at them". My first (sexual) partner was once every two weeks or so, manual was fine, intercourse was fine, or saying no and just cuddling was fine and it happened more as arousal from feeling close to someone than anything... he can't be sexual without a close bond, though he doesn't identify as demisexual. And he was a lot more emotional towards it all than anyone else I have been with.

Example of that "closeness" causing sexual stuff feeling like a natural progression would be my partner, if we're laughing/joking/having a good discussion and he feels that "Gosh, I love you" thing it naturally leads to "sex feels like a natural thing to do here". Some people feel it based off that, some people also can feel it based off "man, they look good in those pants" or something (which my partner also feels...), but to some the "attraction" that leads to desire for sexual interaction is mainly emotional.

Whatever you two decide on, I am glad things are going well. :)

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Thank you Serran :) that's very interesting!

If welcoming sexual touching from my partner because I love him deeply constitutes sexual attraction, then that makes me demisexual. And proud ^^

However, I find it very foreign that the way a person looks might make them sexually desirable. That just doesn't compute in my brain. So that is what has me hesitating between the two labels. Because I feel that there is this thing that sexual people feel that I still don't feel towards my partner, not even after establishing that strong emotional bond.

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Thank you Serran :) that's very interesting!

If welcoming sexual touching from my partner because I love him deeply constitutes sexual attraction, then that makes me demisexual. And proud ^^

However, I find it very foreign that the way a person looks might make them sexually desirable. That just doesn't compute in my brain. So that is what has me hesitating between the two labels. Because I feel that there is this thing that sexual people feel that I still don't feel towards my partner, not even after establishing that strong emotional bond.

From my understanding, it's more than just welcoming and more wanting for yourself due to the bond. Some asexuals can enjoy sex, for example, so they will welcome it. However, where it starts becoming fuzzier is when you would happily initiate and want it, not just are happy to do it if they want it sorta thing. Then it starts to get a little fuzzy and harder to figure out (as you are noticing, when you don't fit the exact "no questions" definition, it can be a "Well, what am I!"). I would say several labels could probably fit you (asexual, demisexual, grey), with what you've described, You just have to figure out which one feels right to you. And I would take my time in figuring it out, cause there is no rush to find the perfect label. This is still new to you two!

Just keep in mind that human sexuality is very varied and on a spectrum. Some sexuals don't really experience primary physical attraction (finding people "sexy") so much as "Man, you are an awesome person, therefore you are sexy to me". Or, they could even experience both, but maybe not at the same time (say, one person is physically unattractive but an emotional bond causes them to find the person sexually attractive anyways - the whole "Wow, I can't believe it. He's totally not my type at all!" sort of reaction).The aesthetic part of sexual/romantic/sensual attraction isn't a requirement for everyone. It's a majority, but not a "everyone feels it this way". :)

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When I don't have someone to focus on, sex is as far from my mind as humanly possible.

I've only managed to have relationships with two of the four people I've ever found attractive and they were very short and volatile, so I don't know how much use they'll be. I'd already got the switch from emotional to sexual before starting the relationships, but other times I've started relationships once I'd had the emotional but was hoping for the switch but it's never happened that way around.

Anyway, I quite enjoy the switch, for me it's exciting, going from a simple feeling of "this person is amazing" goofiness around them to a sudden sort of hunger for them. I know that sounds crude, I can try to word it in a different way. When I start off with someone, I spend a lot of time talking to them (I'm sure this isn't unusual) and it gets to the point where I want to spend every waking moment with them, learn absolutely everything about them, and my self consciousness completely disappears as I get so comfortable with them. So (apologies for the language) to begin with I want to fuck their brain with mine then it suddenly becomes all about fucking their body instead. We no longer need to speak, it's almost overwhelming when I see them, to the point where I can barely concentrate on anything but this desire to be with them in this fashion. Up until the switch I barely notice physical characteristics beyond the point of "this person is pleasant to look at".

Hope that makes sense. I'll be happy to answer anything specific if I can.

I've had a few experiences of feeling very strong feelings for people that start as an emotional attachment and evolve into something more, exactly like the "hunger" feeling you were describing. I never was in relationships with these people so I never actually acted on these feelings, and can't be sure if they were a physical attraction. Recently I've been making more of an effort to try and meet people, but making it clear that all I can offer is friendship at the start, and it's possible it might become something more. But I'm skeptical about beginning a non-physical relationship and just waiting/hoping I will eventually have those feelings again. I've only experienced that sort of "hunger" a few times in my life, and based on that, I fear it is rare that I will feel that way about people I meet in the future. So I'm afraid the chances are not good of me feeling that way about someone I am actually trying to start a relationship with.

This makes me think actively trying to find someone is not the way to go for me. Which means the alternative is to wait around for someone who I organically have those strong feelings for again and hope they feel the same way. But based on my experience, this also seems unlikely to happen. All in all, the prospects seem pretty dim.

So I guess what I'd like to know is, how much success have people had with relationships where there wasn't initially any desire to have a physical relationship, but that desire did eventually come later? Or is it mostly the case that the whole emotional attachment leading to something more thing happened before you began a relationship with that person?

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So I guess what I'd like to know is, how much success have people had with relationships where there wasn't initially any desire to have a physical relationship, but that desire did eventually come later? Or is it mostly the case that the whole emotional attachment leading to something more thing happened before you began a relationship with that person?

The two relationships I had with people that I'd become attracted to them before starting the relationship were (mostly) brilliant, but as I said very short. They were very intense for me, but this isn't the reason they ended.

Most of the relationships I've had were with people I perhaps had an emotional attachment to, but not much else. I usually end up in these kinds of relationships because, frankly I get bored and loneliness gets to me. They usually last longer because I get comfortable, but the physical side is never a major factor for me. I could take it or leave it. The desire/physical attraction has never surfaced later for me which is unfortunate. But for the most part these relationships are boring. They say passion is overrated but it's fucking addictive...

I'm sick of these half arsed attempts with people I barely have luke warm feelings for, so I'm making a point now of only starting a relationship with either someone I'm already attracted to (there is one and I am trying very very hard to make it happen) or waiting (if they're willing) until I actually find them attractive, however rare the chances.

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So I guess what I'd like to know is, how much success have people had with relationships where there wasn't initially any desire to have a physical relationship, but that desire did eventually come later?

Well, the one I'm in now is like that. Even sorts of physical interactions that I originally had no interest in, or even was outright disgusted by before, I suddenly have found myself desiring to do with her :blush:

It might be aided by the fact that it's an online relationship and we haven't physically met (all of my relationships at least began this way, actually) but I don't feel like it would be any different for me with relationships in person. I don't really feel a physical "pull" with people, even ones that I know in person. This has just been a different sort of experience for me ^^

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Sage Raven Domino

What's the problem? Do whatever you both want and approve of; you probably won't need to seek another intimate relaltionship for the rest of your lives, which means that you don't have to care that much about labels :cake:

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I can't speak as much for my partner, but for me, it's just a matter of preferring to present myself correctly, even if I may not ever pursue any other relationship partner. Facts, logic, and upfrontness are all big things to me :D

I am on the autism spectrum (low level, probably equivalent to something like Asperger's) and that may have something to do with it for me >_>

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Oh yes, I'm very happy the way our relationship is and I'm not worried about the label. But as Phil says, it's interesting and satisfying to know where you stand and have words for your experiences :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Okay, dissolved_girl's responses are making me super happy! I totally relate to the emotional attraction first, then the "switch" at a point to sexual, and yeah, both are pretty intense for me. XD XD I do this with men.

Let's see''' This might get rambly, but I'll share my current experience in hopes that it puts experience to the "emotional bond" part of the definition.

My long-distance FWB and I started what we have with a one-night-stand thingy at a conference a couple of months ago. He'd caught my attention because he was witty and outgoing, and I really wanted to get to know him more. Hooking up with him seemed like the thing to do, because I was curious, horny, and, hell, it was a conference away from home for the weekend. I was fine with him touching me, but I got really, really repulsed when he asked me to touch him and couldn't do it. Luckily, he was incredibly understanding. In fact, he said some comforting things to me that night that helped me begin to realize that men have to work harder for my sexual attraction. (smile)

We've stayed in touch, and phone sex is as regular as it can be with distance and scheduling issues. Here's the thing, though. Until recently, I still wasn't a fan of touching him. I could do it over the phone without being so repulsed because there wasn't actually touching going on, but I was more indifferent than anything. When we talked about him touching me was when things got exciting for me.

Hmm, I need to backtrack and this is where things might get rambly, if they haven't already lol. See, before the encounter with my FWB, I'd really been struggling with perfectionism. Basically, he offered me a chance to do something not-perfect, and though it did end in some consequence, it also showed me I can live with mess-ups. So, he already had some brownie points from that. The last time we talked, he essentially said that even though this is a casual thing, he intends to leave me in a better place than where he found me. That meant a LOT! And since then, I'm getting more and more comfortable with thinking about doing things to him. Not sure how it's going to be when we're in the same physical place again, but it's long enough away that I think I'll have time to work up to being eager to do it. Meanwhile, there's still a lot of emotional attraction. Which, I know, bad idea in an FWB relationship, but I'm really good at having feelings for people I can't be with, so I'm not worried.

So I guess it boils down to this. I'm hetero-demi, because guys have to "work" for my sexual attraction. In my FWB'S case, I didn't feel anything more than emotional and physical attraction to him until he indicated that he would impact my life? Work for the attraction? Hmm, still working on the concept. Meanwhile, I'm hetero-gray, because I LOVE having things done to me but I'm really fickle about anything of his below the shoulders. Face? Yes. Arms? Oh yeah! Anything lower? Depends on my mood.

Hope all of this makes sense. Feel free to ask me anything! XD

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