Looking for an ace perspective

[Glad-I-Found-This-Site]

My wife is asexual. The way she explains it, sex doesn't do it for her. She doesn't think about it, doesn't desire it, but will have it on occasion to keep me happy. Sometimes I think she is sex repulsed, as she will not engage in oral sex, not a big fan of the penis at all, has no interest in masturbating, no interest in sex toys (got mad at me for buying a vibrator once), no interest in ever having an orgasm and definitely needs some time to psyche herself up for sex on the nights that we do engage in it. She doesn't really like physical contact at all. She will hug me on occasion, won't pull back if I do hug her first, but you definitely get the sense that she is counting the seconds till I pull away. Kissing? Not a fan. She will do it during sex, but I think that is because she has already told herself, "OK I'm committed to this, might as well play the part a bit."

I kind of came to this site expecting her profile to be the default profile for most aces. I know now that this isn't the case at all and that there is a continuum.

What has interested me most lately is that there are people (apparently a lot) who identify as asexual who say that they masturbate, enjoy porn, enjoy kissing, enjoy cuddling, and have a strong libido. For those of you who fit all, most, or some of the things outlined above, I have a few questions:

1. Perhaps this really can't be answered, as perhaps it is what it is, but what is the thought process or reasoning behind stopping just at that last part (intercourse)?

2. Actually, is it just penentration where you draw the line, or is it any genital contact?

3. Are there those who identify as ace here who enjoy cuddling, kissing and "foreplay" (oral sex, mutual masturbation)? Just wondering if someone who enjoys all that would still consider themselves asexual if the only thing missing was an interest in actual penetration (for those "with" a partner for which penetration is a possibility.

I admit that it has been hard for me to come to terms with my wife's asexuality. I can now make a bit of sense to it when I view sex for her in the same way that I view vegetables, coffee or yoga. No matter how much other people enjoy these things, and no matter how much they tell me that they are AWESOME, I can't bring myself to enjoy them. I think I would obviously be a happier man if she was OK with everything (oral sex, mutual masturbation, cuddling, kissing) except actual intercourse, as the others would be enough to keep me relatively satisfied. The thing that would be very hard for me to understand would be if she said she had a high libido, enjoyed masturbating yet couldn't include me in any way. I'm sure it makes sense to many here, but as much as I try to wrap my brain around that, I can't.

Any insights, thoughts?

[Sally]

The thing that would be very hard for me to understand would be if she said she had a high libido, enjoyed masturbating yet couldn't include me in any way. I'm sure it makes sense to many here, but as much as I try to wrap my brain around that, I can't.

Any insights, thoughts?

It really doesn't have anything to do with you, or any other specific person. Asexuality is generally defined as not wanting partnered sex. There are, as you can see on AVEN, "gray a" people who may want sex with someone they've developed an emotional relationship with. However, not all asexuals do, and there have been discussions on AVEN about gray a people not considering themselves asexual (because sexual people also don't necessarily want sex with just anyone else).

What one person considers sex may not be what another person considers sex. Generally, asexuals who masturbate do not consider that sex, because it has nothing to do with another person. And some asexuals do, as you mention, enjoy kissing or cuddling. But speaking as an asexual myself, I never considered that sex because it simply...wasn't.

Again, speaking as one asexual, I didn't want partnered sex because my partners obviously felt a lot more than I did, and it was both physically uncomfortable, emotionally irritating, and downright boring. Not something I wanted to be involved with. But I did, for years, because I wanted to please my partners.

There is a natural barrier to understanding how someone else feels when it's so different from how you feel. A better way to think about it is to simply respect the difference, and believe what the other person is telling you.

[sp4c34c3]

To me she sounds highly repulsed. I think there is some kind of extent to which people can be repulsed. Some are completely repulsed with it all (that you list). Some are only repulsed by one or two of the things you mention. You may ask why, and there really is no definitive reason behind it. Most people that experience the same kinds of repulsions or sexuality that your wife does (or how you speculate she does) will agree with her by simply saying it just is what it is. I would be one to agree with her by saying it is just how I am. Why is an orange car still orange but not appear to look red ever? It is just the way it is.

For me personally, I always just never experienced the joy in the thought of having sex (or emotion, or anything). I know about the physical act but really, it does nothing for me to make me feel happy or sad or whatever else there is. Imagine if you met someone that felt their life was fullfilled in all ways (like maybe how some feel sex does for their life) if this someone was able to whack their hand on a brick wall 100 times. Yeah it seems weird that their life would be complete by doing that because it does not for you if you hit a brick wall 100 times. But why do they feel complete when you don't? It just is...The funny thing about sex is that society talks about it a lot so you can have a lot of people like me that are completely clueless that they dislike sex because of being immersed in it (it wasn't until I read AVEN and a lot of other people replicated the story of my own life did I realize I was asexual)

Anyway, another way to say it is, a normal non asexual would be willing to engage in sex and before during and after because certain chemicals are released within their body. This complex process of chemicals causing actions which cause more chemicals to be released which cause other actions gets complicated and they spend their life engaging in the same behaviors. Something else must do it for asexuals because there are some that are willing to have sex, but they just won't do it ever again or even initially unless they are encouraged by somebody else. Every behavior we exhibit can be somehow traced back to a series of events whereby chemicals are released causing other things to happen, some of these have been heavily studied and are well documented (like hunger and eating for example)

try to think of it as an orientation. Not as some kind of choice? Maybe that will help

[Guest]

A little TMI:

Personal likes: Cuddling, kissing, "making out" (as in, heavy kissing, hands roaming to non-sexual places only!) etc I love. But, once my boobs/genitals get touched, meh. Mood ruined and lets just get it over with already.

Personal dislikes: Anal sex (OWOWOWOW), receiving oral sex, sex toys

Things I am neutral about: Penetration, giving oral sex... both with the caveat of NO BODY FLUIDS TOUCHING ME. He has to pull out and handle his own semen, cause that will make me run to the bathroom and scrub my skin until I feel like it's all off. I can't stand the feel of that stuff. It's like tree frogs, just makes my skin feel clammy and wet for a while after I get it off *shudder*

For the having to mentally prepare for sex, I can relate to that. It's boring, like doing the laundry or dishes for me. And so, I actually do things like arrange my day to avoid certain activities that I know will make me feel like putting it off. Or, promise myself a nice big slice of chocolate pie after getting sex done. Or, save up the last bar of ice cream for after sex. Sometimes, I stall for 5-10 minutes so I can go into the bathroom and mentally prepare. It's hard to do something for someone else that you don't want. If I haven't had any chance to prepare, I am likely to slip and sigh, or roll my eyes, or otherwise do things that show how much I am not into it.

I also do not masturbate, no interest in an orgasm (it feels BAD to me, not good... kinda like a muscle spasm leading up to a cramp, just uncomfortable), no interest in porn, etc.

Asexuality is a spectrum though. Some aces can enjoy sex, even if they wouldn't ever seek it out. Some like porn, some like masturbating. It all just depends.

[whitesphere]

Your wife sounds very sex repulsed --- as in anything remotely sexual really bothers her, and possibly touch averse, since she doesn't even really like hugging.

Personally, the closest match to what I am is a "romantic asexual" (as far as I know right now). This means I immensely enjoy holding hands, hugging, cuddling, kissing (I once was kissing a woman for 4 hours or so) and such. And I could never see myself with a woman who doesn't enjoy touch in that fashion with a man she loves.

The difference? While a sexual person would probably have his/her passion stoked and have an increased urge to have sex, my thought and instinct is more like "This feels fine as it is. Why go 'further'?"

I can see a picture of a naked woman and I just shrug. It doesn't repulse me --- I think women are beautiful :-) It doesn't give me an erection though. Seeing the naked genitalia does nothing for me, either.

My thoughts on receiving oral sex? Had it once, didn't care. On GIVING oral sex to a woman? Um, NO! Certain textures and such are very repulsive to me. If I ever did have sex with a woman I loved, it wouldn't be oral. Nor would I ask for it in return as it does nothing for me.

So I would say I'm sex-neutral, in terms of penetration, sex-averse in terms of oral. That means if a woman I loved needed me to be sexual with her, I'd do it because I loved her, but I don't believe I'd be sexually passionate. Nor would I have any particular desire to initiate sex, either.

And I REALLY would not want what some sexual women have said --- "If you kiss me, it had better lead to sex, or it's leading me on." To me that then means a kiss isn't "I love you and find you beautiful," it becomes "Sign up for a chore I don't care for much."

All of this is strictly ME, of course. I speak with 100% certainty about myself, 0% certainty about anyone else. Your Mileage May Vary. Void Where Prohibited by Law, etc. ;-)

[dash]

And I REALLY would not want what some sexual women have said --- "If you kiss me, it had better lead to sex, or it's leading me on." To me that then means a kiss isn't "I love you and find you beautiful," it becomes "Sign up for a chore I don't care for much."

At least they're upfront about it before you two start kissing. I've got no problem with that being what some women (or men or whoever) need, as long as they're clear upfront about that, so you know not to start kissing them, and know you're not compatible!

As for the rest, sexuality works so completely differently for me, I'm just confused and have nothing to say.

[Guest]

My kid pressed enter before I was finished this lol, I just have to rewrite it in word then I'll post it. How embarrassing!

EDIT: Lol Serran I think my kids and your parrot have some genes in common :P

EDIT 2: wow that 'genes in common' part actually sounds pretty wrong now that I think about it haha.

[wishystar]

What has interested me most lately is that there are people (apparently a lot) who identify as asexual who say that they masturbate, enjoy porn, enjoy kissing, enjoy cuddling, and have a strong libido.

Asexuals who enjoy these things i quote are maybe type A or type C asexuals - you can read different types of asexuals here: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=ABCD_types

As i read your post, i too, think your wife is really repulsed by sex, but that does not mean she cannot enjoy other forms of intimacy (the milder ones that does not directly involve sex - like holding hands, giving her notes/flowers, looking at her like she is the most beautiful creature you ever seen, maybe singing a song for her, etc., romantic stuffs)

personally, as an asexual, i do not enjoy sex for the sake of sex alone because it is boring (as hell and just any other reason hard to explain) and just cannot wait to get over it. but if sex is layered with something that tells me the person really cares about me, i even enjoy it.

3. Are there those who identify as ace here who enjoy cuddling, kissing and "foreplay" (oral sex, mutual masturbation)? Just wondering if someone who enjoys all that would still consider themselves asexual if the only thing missing was an interest in actual penetration (for those "with" a partner for which penetration is a possibility.

for #3, Being asexual has Nothing to do with having (or Not having) an interest in penetration (or anything sexual).

[Cimmerian]

What has interested me most lately is that there are people (apparently a lot) who identify as asexual who say that they masturbate, enjoy porn, enjoy kissing, enjoy cuddling, and have a strong libido. For those of you who fit all, most, or some of the things outlined above, I have a few questions:

1. Perhaps this really can't be answered, as perhaps it is what it is, but what is the thought process or reasoning behind stopping just at that last part (intercourse)?

2. Actually, is it just penentration where you draw the line, or is it any genital contact?

3. Are there those who identify as ace here who enjoy cuddling, kissing and "foreplay" (oral sex, mutual masturbation)? Just wondering if someone who enjoys all that would still consider themselves asexual if the only thing missing was an interest in actual penetration (for those "with" a partner for which penetration is a possibility.

I admit that it has been hard for me to come to terms with my wife's asexuality. I can now make a bit of sense to it when I view sex for her in the same way that I view vegetables, coffee or yoga. No matter how much other people enjoy these things, and no matter how much they tell me that they are AWESOME, I can't bring myself to enjoy them. I think I would obviously be a happier man if she was OK with everything (oral sex, mutual masturbation, cuddling, kissing) except actual intercourse, as the others would be enough to keep me relatively satisfied. The thing that would be very hard for me to understand would be if she said she had a high libido, enjoyed masturbating yet couldn't include me in any way. I'm sure it makes sense to many here, but as much as I try to wrap my brain around that, I can't.

Any insights, thoughts?

I fit all the ace characteristics you mentioned so I'll see if my answers help at all. ^^;

1. Perhaps this really can't be answered, as perhaps it is what it is, but what is the thought process or reasoning behind stopping just at that last part (intercourse)?

For me personally intercourse is a huge no because 1. I have no desire for it at all; I never think about having intercourse. 2. It's extremely invasive to me. 3. Nothing dealing with that area is every comfortable or pleasant, 4. It means unpleasant visits to the gynecologist that I have no need, want etc. for, 5. The pregnancy issue, 6. It's a... well visceral urge in my opinion, and I don't consider it important at all so I feel like it's a superficial act. =/

Intercourse would mean nothing good or pleasant to me, and I think I'd feel used if it was insisted upon because it has a superficial connotation to me and is not something I desire at all. It's less of a line of "dislike" than a line representing desires and respect to me.

2. Actually, is it just penentration where you draw the line, or is it any genital contact?

Well that can get a bit complicated...

Almost anything to actually do with a penis is a line for me. I'm fine with being touched in most ways, and in seeing someone else masturbate or us both doing that at the same time, and (maybe, maybe, maybe) touching their genitals. but I don't want to participate in intercourse or oral sex at all. Even the idea of the second disgusts me for reasons I'm not sure I can explain beyond it crossing a "cleanliness" line of sorts for me that I absolutely cannot deal with.

3. Are there those who identify as ace here who enjoy cuddling, kissing and "foreplay" (oral sex, mutual masturbation)? Just wondering if someone who enjoys all that would still consider themselves asexual if the only thing missing was an interest in actual penetration (for those "with" a partner for which penetration is a possibility.

Yes, I consider myself interested in everything you listed here except oral sex (I'm taking mutual masturbation to mean each doing their own thing while the other is near, and not masturbating each other...). I do consider myself asexual still because I have no sexual attraction to anyone... period, and have no interest or desire for sex at all. I'm comfortable with most things but sex organs in my body in any way? Not going to happen. Everything about that situation says too invasive, uncomfortable, undesirable, and in some circumstances gross and unclean.

[Guest]

What has interested me most lately is that there are people (apparently a lot) who identify as asexual who say that they masturbate, enjoy porn, enjoy kissing, enjoy cuddling, and have a strong libido. For those of you who fit all, most, or some of the things outlined above, I have a few questions:

I am an asexual who has a high libido (well, over-active hormones that cause me to become aroused a lot), masturbates, loves sensual activities like kissing, cuddling, even kinky things like biting (when in love) and on occasion watches super twisted kinky amateur porn (never staged vanilla porn - boring!) so I feel I am more than qualified to answer these questions for you ^_^

EDIT: I forgot to add! waaay TMI ahead.

1. What is the thought process or reasoning behind stopping just at that last part (intercourse)?

I just don't enjoy having my genitals stimulated by another person, simple as that. I get nothing out of it. Like, if your wife told you ''I want to lick and stimulate your eyeballs'' you may be able to hold your eyelids open for her to lick and stimulate the eyeballs, but really, would you get much out of it? you may enjoy the fact that you are pleasing her, but some people wouldn't be able even to appreciate that because they just dislike having their eyeballs fondled by someone sooo much. It might not even be painful exactly, or repulsive to them, but it's just such a ''not fun'' feeling that they really don't want to do it, if it all possible (I understand some people have an eyeball licking, sucking etc fetish, but I'm hoping you get what I mean lol, was just trying to find an example to illustrate why I personally don't want sex) ..

And that's how ANY genital stimulation by another person (even *if* I am aroused!) feels for me: Like having my eyeballs (and I mean the actual eyeball, not the lids) licked and stimulated.

I realized eventually it wasn't just that I didn't enjoy sex, I never had any desire for it. I personally cannot enjoy something I have no desire for. Id rather just cuddle and be sensual together ^_^

I do feel very strong sensual attraction (the desire to be sensual - kissing, cuddling, touching etc) and for most sexual people, sensuality automatically leads to sexual activity, so thats where all the confusion came in for me. I loved all the sensual stuff, just once it came to the actual sex, I just lay there trying to count down from 500 in 3s or just anything to take my mind off it until it was over. Anything to distract myself from the boredom and just non-enjoyment of it. lol. Gosh I just wish Id known about asexuality earlier. I spent so many years trying to fix myself, when actually, I wasn't even broken - I was just asexual!

2. Actually, is it just penetration where you draw the line, or is it any genital contact?

I am more sensually and aesthetically attracted to women than I am to men, but I never found sex any more pleasurable with a woman. It was less uncomfortable, because having a big fat log shoved up me repeatedly wasn't a factor with women like it is with men. Also, women dont have scratchy facial hair, they seem to be better at giving oral than men (more gentle, dont ram their tongue strait down on the clit which is the most sensitive part, ow) and if they do try to get their fingers in (which in my experience they rarely do unless you ask for it I never did ask but it happened once) their fingers are a lot more delicate. So I didn't find sex any more pleasurable with a woman, it was just less unenjoyable.

Edit: Also I'll point out quickly that I have met many male asexuals who feel exactly the same about sex as I do. It's not a ''being penetrated'' thing, it's more of a ''I'd just rather not do any partnered sex, ever'' thing, regardless of whether or not penetration is involved.

3. Are there those who identify as ace here who enjoy cuddling, kissing and "foreplay" (oral sex, mutual masturbation)? Just wondering if someone who enjoys all that would still consider themselves asexual if the only thing missing was an interest in actual penetration (for those "with" a partner for which penetration is a possibility.

Yes I enjoy cuddling, kissing, and foreplay-like activities, as long as no genital stimulation (that includes oral) is involved (foreplay-like activity for me would be like naked sensual kissing for example)

I identify as a sensual asexual, I love sensual activity, I just have no innate desire for partnered sex, ever (I have never once wanted sex, I only ever gave it because I figured that's what you're meant to do when you're being sensual with someone who wants it - it's not their fault that you don't want sex, and you've 'led them on' this far, so you kind of have a responsibility to let them go all the way with you: yes I know now how silly that sounds, but it made sense at the time).

I have had a LOT of partnered sex in the past, yes, because before I learned about asexuality I thought that if I just kept having sex, Id eventually learn to want and enjoy it. Also, a doctor actually confirmed that belief by telling me that no healthy person who can masturbate and has healthy hormones etc, doesn't enjoy sex, and if I just keep practicing, Ill learn to want and enjoy it.

Also for me, masturbation isn't something I do for fun or pleasure.. Its just that my body gets hormonally aroused, and my arousal doesnt go away unless I orgasm. Arousal causes me to be irritated, grumpy, stressed and I get stomach cramps, so I have to masturbate to get rid of it. Its like urinating to relieve a full bladder to me..just one of those things that needs to be done. I call it ''balancing my hormones'' because for me, that's all masturbation is.

I dont think only not enjoying penetration would make me an asexual at all - that's only one sexual act. My partner would finger and lick me to orgasm if I wanted that, but I just have no desire for it, and wouldnt enjoy it if he did do that. Some allosexual women cannot orgasm or experience pleasure from penetration, but do love oral clitoral stimulation etc so if I could enjoy and want those things, Id count myself as penetration-averse allosexual but certainly not asexual (because I would still desire and partnered sex as a pleasurable activity etc)

I know, from experience, that I am utterly incapable of having a romantic sexual relationship with a sexual person. On top of the fact that I will never have sex again, the fact that I love sensuality so much would drive a sexual partner nuts (and even if it didnt drive them nuts, I couldnt be happy knowing that they want something I cannot give them) .. I would have to deny all sensual inclinations I have, to avoid accidentally making my partner want to have sex with me.. how could we live like that? I am completely monoamorous, so could never allow them to have sex outside the relationship as that would kill me emotionally.. so we'd be stuck in a miserable sexually incompatible relationship. And I'd have to not masturbate, because that would hurt them even more knowing that I masturbate but don't want them to give me that same pleasure (I think it's very hard for many sexual people to understand that someone can just not enjoy the feelings of that kind of stimulation, especially if they masturbation. Once they learn about asexuality it's often easier to understand, but it's confusing even for asexual people before they learn about asexuality lol, it was for me anyway)

As a sensual asexual, I am only romantically compatible with another sensual asexual. No sex, or expectation of sex, ever, is all I will accept in a relationship. No compromise.

Fortunately, my partner is also a sensual asexual and feels EXACTLY the same about sex as I do. He is a male, but feels exactly the same about partnered genital contact (he gets nothing out of it, no enjoyment of the sensations, and actually for him it feels like an utter invasion of his privacy, when someone wants to have sex with him so its not just female asexuals who feel that way about sexual contact) but he is also very sensual, and had the same issues as I have in the past with sensuality having to lead to partnered sexual activity with his sexual partners etc .. so yeah, my partner and I are perfectly (a)sexually compatible.. praise the lord for AVEN chat (where I met him) haha.

[LadyWallflower]

I would have to say that, like your wife, I do not like sex, foreplay, kissing, cuddling or masturbation. I do hug people, occasionally, but I feel very awkward when I do it. As for why I don't want to do it, I can't really explain it. Kissing and cuddling just seem weird and awkward to me. It never occurs to me to do it. It doesn't feel natural. Foreplay and masturbation scare me a little, as well as seeming weird. And I am terrified of sex.

As for porn. I do not read/watch porn or erotica. However, if I am reading a novel, and a description of sex pops up, I usually find it interesting. To go into a person's head and perceive how they feel about sex is very interesting. The idea of doing it myself seems ridiculous. In fact, if I have found the novel interesting and I really enjoy the characters, I find myself enjoying the sex scenes. Not in an arousing sort of way (maybe a little), but more so in a curious sort of way.

[Exanimis]

@Glad-I-found-this-site,

From my personal perspectivee/POV: I have no idea how you guys are able to find pleasure from it. It is almost unbearably boring, gross, you sweat like a chicken in an oven, and it doesn't friggin end... I can't seem to wrap my head around it, every single aspect of it brings feelings that are rather not good.

Unfortunately my hormones do not help me, I have to cope with masturbation more often than I would, I'd rather vomit (bit of a vent there, I'm sorry :( )than do it, but I can't because of my stupid libido.

However, besides all that, I find the kissing and cuddling really sweet, the foreplay seems fun as far as it is not without underwear.

So all in all;

1 . I don't like it. I don't want it. I will not do it. Just like cucumber it stirs my stomach in bad ways.

2 . Both.

3 . For me foreplay doesn't include that. For me foreplay is not sex, hence why genital stimulation in any form is out of my opinion on what is "foreplay".

So, from all I've said you can conclude that, at least from my perspective, besides having a high libido and masturbating, I get no pleasure out of that. It is a rather unwanted physiological need that I have to endure.

And even if I enjoyed masturbation, I still don't even like the idea of partnered sex. The idea of somebody getting that close, handling parts so intimate of my body, me having to fake interest and having to be supposed, or at least faking to enjoy it, all that sends a shiver down my spine and make me cower.

[flesh-pocket]

i may be of some help. i'm an asexual with a strong libido, and can like porn (drawn stuff mostly and not often. havent looked at it much for several months, mostly because i was finding the same pictures over and over again, and i really don't need it). i can masturbate multiple times a day, for fun too, not just like clipping toenails (although i do view it in that sort of neutral fashion. like i could have a completely non-sexual video playing on my laptop and not be getting off to it). i'd still classify myself as sex-repulsed though.

but i've never had a romantic relationship, so i cant say with certainty that i wouldn't be ok with all things. what i do know is that i have no lust. and that the idea of somebody feeling those feelings for me, just being me and minding my own business, makes me feel a little sick, because it makes me feel like not a person to them.

i know that when i read stories or watch movies and theres a sex scene or a passionate romance scene i furl my brow and go "that doesn't happen, people don't act like that." even though i know obviously they do.

i don't associate love with sex at all. when i think about getting close to someone emotionally, it scares me terribly that they could look at me when i'm most vulnerable and desire me, or hunger or my body. those things = bad, danger, run away. it seems more like a breach of trust than getting closer together, and people say it means i love you? prostitutes must love everyone! i don't think i could be comfortable interacting with someone if i knew they were going to try something like that.

i'd rather go to the gynecologist that have sex right now, because there is a clear health based reason for it, and your not supposed to like it. i could cry the whole drive home and it'd be fine, no hard feelings.

all things cuddly, even naked skin to skin (as long as non-sexual) sounds like puppies and rainbows. anything more than pecks kissing-wise sounds weird, but pimps don't monopolize kissing booths, and i still associate it with love so even if i didn't like it i think i could put up with it. i would never ever ever do oral on a penis, i might be willing on a vagina only because im actually less turned on by female bodies in porn and stuff, so i could disassociate and be done with it. oral on me is the only sexual act that sounds remotely enjoyable to me only because that's somebody else making a damn fool of themselves- schadenfreude- but i would never ask for it. because i dont want it, and i probably wouldn't be willing to reciprocate.

its like looking at a list of rides at a theme park: "i don't want to go on any of these roller coasters, but the merry-go-round sounds ok, even if im not exited for it." And for different asexuals which acts are the merry-go-round can be completely different

i guess what i'm saying is masturbation isn't the same as sex because it just isnt. it isn't social, theirs no passion, theres nothing to share. no expectations, orgasm or dont, stop half way and get a waffle if you feel like it nothing matters.

[ThorHera]

WOW, i have a twin!!! Your description of your wife is very similar to me.

"explains it, sex doesn't do it for her. She doesn't think about it, doesn't desire it, but will have it on occasion to keep me happy."

Sometimes I think she is sex repulsed, as she will not engage in oral sex, not a big fan of the penis at all, has no interest in masturbating, no interest in sex toys (got mad at me for buying a vibrator once), I am sex neutral (take/leave it) - but these are things i have ABSOLUTELY NO interest in at all. It is not so much repulsed (as i am not repulsed, just that i have NO Desire for it - and THIS Oral stuff is NOT just with asexuals, many of my hetero female friends dont care for Oral (giving or receiving), nor masturbatn.

"no interest in ever having an orgasm" (I DO have an interest in orgasm, as imo, the act is pointless w/o it) and definitely needs some time to psyche herself up for sex on the nights that we do engage in it. Ah, yes, the work that goes into it, that makes it a chore (for me), i do the same, knowing it is a "sex nite", i have to start concentrating, focusing on the act. For me, the work is thinkg about what is to be done, required to satisfy the spouse. IF i could ever be aroused, would make it easier - arousal doesnt happen so i know i will have to do certain things to make the session a success for us BOTH.

She doesn't really like physical contact at all. She will hug me on occasion, won't pull back if I do hug her first, but you definitely get the sense that she is counting the seconds till I pull away. Kissing? Not a fan. She will do it during sex, but I think that is because she has already told herself, "OK I'm committed to this, might as well play the part a bit."

I accept hugs & kisses (neutral), the most kisses husb gets is during sex, for me it is not playing a part, but yet it is somewhat, cuz you know the other expects it (the focus/psyche part). We do make a point of touching each other at least 3 times a day (non-sexual), and a hug. Real stuff, not fake.

For me - i have to "follow", yet i wont compromise on the oral. foreplay - its a waste of time for me (no arousal), boring. I have no idea what lust is, seduction, sexy - therefore, to do those things would be fake. I try to keep it real - by doing the stuff WE enjoy together. I get more pleasure from hugs, massage, touch than i do from sex. I am fortunate that my spouse is over-sexed, as he doesnt really miss having to do the foreplay/arousal (and yeah, it is a fun type of WORK for him). We do the act - no foreplay (which makes the act short). Long sessions would be impossible for me - eww. Short & sweet. His side: he would LOVE for me to initiate, he would LOVE to have oral, he would LOVE for me to desire/want him/sex - would say he is 80% satisfaction w/our sex life. But what we have, is good enuf for us BOTH.

[Guest]

Ok , all asexuals are different,I don't know your wife , but I may help by giving you an insight to an individual aséxual , which may help you understand that peoe think differently , let me tell you about me for example , for me I cannot connect sex with love and cuteness , you mention hug with oral sex , for me those two words are like opposites , it's like I see anything sexual as dirty things you do with strangers who you don't care about on porn videos , and hugging and cuddling are things you do with someone who is cute and non sexual , which is so annoying for me , I would truly like to understand how people can connect cuteness with hotness , like you see a hot body and a cute face , how can you find someone cute and cuddly after having hot dirty sex with them , it's something that baffles me ! As you can see everyone's mind works differently , maby try the open relationship thing , you could explain how the other people would be meaningless and how you still find your wife cute and cuddly , maby you can get her to cuddle or something.

Also the thing is I'd probaly rather have missionary sex before oral , and doggy style would be the last on my list, asexuals have different preferences , for me I prefer to touch cause I feel close to someone , I also dislike certain positions cause i hate the whole dominant/submission thing , I'd rather be equal than submit to make a guy feel better about themselves cause I'd rather have sex to feel better not worse .

[CathMaybe]

I think it's easier to not think about sexuality a just one thing, it's a spectrum and everyone can fall on different parts of it. Just talk it out with your wife, and decide if sex is a deal breaker or not. Idk im not great at advice.

[desertxsnow]

I personally classify myself as a sex-repulsed asexual to the general public since it's simply easier for me to say. However, despite this, I have a moderate sex drive and will occasionally find myself aroused around people I find aesthetically attractive or around things related to sexual acts (whether it's my only kink or people discussing tame sexual acts). Now, whenever I do get aroused though, I generally find it simply uncomfortable, but occasionally may use the time to masturbate. I have no problem with masturbation, but as soon as I think about sexual acts with another person or even their genitalia (especially a male), I tend to freak out and try to get myself out of the situation/look away. Thus any forms of genital interaction would throw me into a blind panic. Even thinking about penetration or oral gives me the shivers. I'm not very fond of hugging if I'm afraid the person might take it as something romantic instead of platonic either as I'm afraid of "leading someone on."

I've only had one boyfriend previously, and at first, yes, I was incredibly attracted to him. I remember us one time in a relatively public place (people could walk by the room and see us making out) where we were kissing and ended up getting more heated and while we were clothed, we were mutually masturbating. I think I only enjoyed it at the time because we had just started dating and I was really into him, so it served as a release, but that was the only time that happened. Even a week later, he'd try something similar and nopppee. It'd ruin the whole mood for me. Same thing for when we'd be making out in his bedroom and he go to touch my breasts. Always ended up with me saying, "Can we just kiss, please?" Unfortunately, despite him saying he was only trying to feel me up and stuff cause he thought I wanted it (I told him that I didn't at least twice), the next make out session would usually end right as he goes to touch some place I didn't feel comfortable with. I do feel that my repulsion toward sex or foreplay beyond kissing was somewhat damaging to that portion of our relationship, I also feel that my TMJ (inflammation in the joints of the jaw which can lead to lock-jaw in extreme cases, and a general dull pain most days), which was made worse by the repetitious act of kissing, also harmed the "romantic" side of our relationship. I had started to dread hanging out with him because I simply wanted to watch stuff or play video games or in general do things I considered to be platonic, while he always wanted to make out. I don't think he meant any harm by it, but knowing more about him that I won't say here, I think he might have also been a twinge confused on what he thought he needed versus what he actually needed out of a relationship.

As a result of all my interactions and my general personality, while I'm not aro, I definitely lean more toward someone who is "married to the job" and would rather not have to deal with people in a romantic sense until at least my career is settled. I'm quite happy with simply having platonic relationships as I found my relationship with my ex very stressful for multiple reasons, plus, I didn't like how immature I personally felt while interacting with him (I hate thinking about how we were one of those PDA people I hate now, lol).

So, Glad, I imagine you've discovered most people are more of a spectrum of asexuality and aromanticism from all the comments on here. Some people have always been one way, while others may have swung one way or another more as a result of previous encounters. I think as long as you and your wife work on ways to compromise, it'll work out. You clearly married her for a reason, and I'm going to assume it wasn't for sex, right? Whatever happens, I hope both of you guys are happy. I'm glad you came to AVEN to ask for advice as it shows that you want to work it out with her. <3

[Lydian]

I wouldn't really be relating sex so much to penetration in that it's not exactly the end-all be-all, especially if someone is in a relationship that doesn't involve a penis. The interest in penetration or lack of isn't what defines asexuality. Hell, you could apply that to some lesbians and they're obviously not ace. Asexuality is simply a lack of attraction to either gender. I say simply, though that can get a bit muddled in trying to figure out just what sexual attraction is exactly. I wont get too far into that, though.

Libido varies in asexuals as much as non-asexual people and it doesn't really have anything to do with your sexual orientation. A way my ex said helped him make sense of having a sex drive but no attraction was it's sort of like being hungry, but when you go to the fridge nothing really jumps out at you so you just eat for the sake of satisfying said hunger. As a non-libidoist here I can't garuntee that's accurate, but he said it made sense to him and I've seen it around from people who do have a libido but are ace.

Masturbation and enjoying it and other sexual activities can mostly be chalked up to the fact that despite orientation, our bodies are still responsive to stimuli and for someone who isn't repulsed by it, these stimulations can be enjoyable. Similarly, someone who was straight might still get pleasure from intercourse with the gender they are not actually attracted to. Granted, there are definitely some people who simply don't get anything at all out of sex or can be stimulated but don't enjoy it. Everybody is going to have different boundaries and things they do or do not enjoy. Some enjoy sex simply for their partner's reactions and they enjoy giving them pleasure but not so much the sensations of being on the receiving end. It's mostly just preference. People might like the intimacy of certain sensual activities as well but find the sexual parts ruin the mood. It's all individual preferences and such, there's no set thought process behind it.

[The Wreyck]

I am an asexual who enjoys cuddling, masturbation, some foreplay, and am fairly neutral on kissing. However, I am sex repulsed. For me it becomes sexual when it involves both myself and another along with genital stimulation. This includes sexting or phone sex. Well, actually, I don't mind if my partner masturbates with me involved in certain situations, but the roles CANNOT be reversed.

The thought process is fairly simple, that I strongly dislike genital contact. I don't even like looking at genitals. My partner can grab my hips, my inner this, even my ass (though I'm not a fan); but as soon as it means them touching my clit or vag it's a nono, likewise if I'm expected to touch there junk. And I feel uncomfortable at the thought of them watching me masturbate. If I could see them or tried to think of them in a physical way it would even be a turn off. I can, however, listen to there voice as long as they're not saying anything sexual or physical, and thinking about the warm feeling I get from being around them helps in masturbation.

I also will say that if I know that an activity I normally enjoy is leading to sexual activities, that time I will be repulsed by those things, too. I'm fairly neutral about kissing. But if we're making out, and they reach for my crotch, the kissing now also feels disgusting, and make out session over. I love boobs, but if my partner expects me to do more beyond the boobs that day, it's all repulsive, and so on.

[PatheticGirl]

I can relate to everything you have said about your wife. Seems so much like me. I can go with it if someone initiates but don't feel need for anything. Never had intercourse, so can't comment on that front.

[Jaded Princess]

WOW, i have a twin!!! Your description of your wife is very similar to me.

"explains it, sex doesn't do it for her. She doesn't think about it, doesn't desire it, but will have it on occasion to keep me happy."

Sometimes I think she is sex repulsed, as she will not engage in oral sex, not a big fan of the penis at all, has no interest in masturbating, no interest in sex toys (got mad at me for buying a vibrator once), I am sex neutral (take/leave it) - but these are things i have ABSOLUTELY NO interest in at all. It is not so much repulsed (as i am not repulsed, just that i have NO Desire for it - and THIS Oral stuff is NOT just with asexuals, many of my hetero female friends dont care for Oral (giving or receiving), nor masturbatn.

"no interest in ever having an orgasm" (I DO have an interest in orgasm, as imo, the act is pointless w/o it) and definitely needs some time to psyche herself up for sex on the nights that we do engage in it. Ah, yes, the work that goes into it, that makes it a chore (for me), i do the same, knowing it is a "sex nite", i have to start concentrating, focusing on the act. For me, the work is thinkg about what is to be done, required to satisfy the spouse. IF i could ever be aroused, would make it easier - arousal doesnt happen so i know i will have to do certain things to make the session a success for us BOTH.

She doesn't really like physical contact at all. She will hug me on occasion, won't pull back if I do hug her first, but you definitely get the sense that she is counting the seconds till I pull away. Kissing? Not a fan. She will do it during sex, but I think that is because she has already told herself, "OK I'm committed to this, might as well play the part a bit."

I accept hugs & kisses (neutral), the most kisses husb gets is during sex, for me it is not playing a part, but yet it is somewhat, cuz you know the other expects it (the focus/psyche part). We do make a point of touching each other at least 3 times a day (non-sexual), and a hug. Real stuff, not fake.

For me - i have to "follow", yet i wont compromise on the oral. foreplay - its a waste of time for me (no arousal), boring. I have no idea what lust is, seduction, sexy - therefore, to do those things would be fake. I try to keep it real - by doing the stuff WE enjoy together. I get more pleasure from hugs, massage, touch than i do from sex. I am fortunate that my spouse is over-sexed, as he doesnt really miss having to do the foreplay/arousal (and yeah, it is a fun type of WORK for him). We do the act - no foreplay (which makes the act short). Long sessions would be impossible for me - eww. Short & sweet. His side: he would LOVE for me to initiate, he would LOVE to have oral, he would LOVE for me to desire/want him/sex - would say he is 80% satisfaction w/our sex life. But what we have, is good enuf for us BOTH.

Triplet ... (I honestly thought my husband had joined), and that includies the vibrator story (In my situation I felt like he was suggesting that I REALLY did want sex and this was a way of 'coaxing' me back to regular sex, he feels I pulled a bait and switch on him and untill I started reading other's posts I couldn't explain why we had so much sex in the begining and then nothing, I have finally figured it out, now to find away to have a chat with out it turning into an argument.

As far as touching goes I wish we had more non sexual touching, granted that is partially my fault, I had a bad relationship in my early 20's, he was the type of man who thought a hug was forplay, and that getting an erection meant he had to have sex, my feelings were unimportant, I'm over the worst of it now, but...