New and a bit lost - any stories about aces/ grey aces dealing with libido and marriage?

[Noki]

I'm newly-ish married (3 yrs) and I think I might be a gray ace. I can feel sexual desire if I go out of my way to stimulate it, but otherwise I get nothing. And I know this is just my body, cause I'll only get aroused unbidden at very specific points around my period. My body chemistry just doesn't want sex much at all. But my husband wants sex a lot, and he needs it to some extent to feel loved. Like it's an emotional connection for him, whereas for me it's just mechanical and satisfying an urge. We're both also really overweight, so when I don't want sex he has a really hard time internalizing and believing it when I say that it has nothing to do with how he looks, and I wouldn't want sex more if he lost weight... I just DONT WANT SEX.

Anyways it all feels very complex, and I don't know what I am, and I'm already in this committed relationship and I don't know how to handle it. As I said, if I'm feeling absolutely nothing then I can stop what I'm doing, take 30 min- 1 hr and work myself up to get myself to want it - but this still requires me stopping things I'd otherwise want to do, for something I wouldn't normally want at all, and there's a lot of pressure behind it because while he's trying, because he is just a different person and has needs that I don't... some part of me feels like I'm whoring myself out, even when that's not what he wants, and the encounters are fine, and it feels good when I'm doing it... I just don't want to start. I'd rather be gaming or watching movies or something.

I don't know. This started out with me wanting to ask for people's stories and turned into an unplanned confessional. And while I'm normally a good writer and would have laid this out much better, I guess today I'm not feeling very good (for a wide variety of reasons) and I just want somewhere to vent and feel heard and maybe have some idea how to deal with my life in the long term.

Thanks.

[Hwaet]

I have been married for 15 years, and my wife and I have been dealing with this for quite some time. It is only recently that I stopped blaming myself for my lack of libido, an my wife started to regain her self esteem, by having her seek partners outside of the marriage. It has been tumultuous for us, but ultimately positive. I would be happy to share any of our struggles with you. You are certainly not alone.

[Iron Violet]

I've been married 18 years and your situation sounds very like mine with only a few non important differences.

Husband has a high libido and needs sex to feel connected and loved, I have a low libido and connect in other ways. I can enjoy sex if I have time to get myself into it, but getting myself into it is the problem. I just don't feel the need like he does. I identify as Grey A; if I feel joy and playfulness it's easier for me, but he's so often negative about the whole situation I rarely feel that joy. We've tried opening the marriage, allowing him other avenues such as professionals or "massage" parlors, but other girlfriends have ended up clingy and wanting more than he wants to give to them emotionally, and the disease risk with for-pay options just makes my skin crawl.

I have real issues with being objectified, and although he tells me over and over that is not what he does or how he sees me, I just can't reconcile that with him stating well he'll "get whatever he can wherever he can, even though it's not at all satisfying". There's something that doesn't match there, and my subconscious is balking.

Anyways, I did not want to hijack your thread with my issues, just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, there are others going through this, and hopefully we can bounce experiences and ideas off each other and figure it all out for each other. Or failing that, offer some comfort.

[Hwaet]

Iron Violet, I am glad to know I am not alone.

We can always bounce experiences off one another and figure this out, as you have said.

There is nothing more daunting and complex than asexuality in a marriage, I have found, and the little situations and misunderstandings can be a real strain on an otherwise strong bond.

[Noki]

@IronViolet Oh no no, that's fine. I'm very new to asexuality and I'm not entirely sure what I am. Hearing anyone's stories is helpful. Thanks for sharing.