How to tell my parents..

[Skaiya]

First of all.. did you tell your parents about your sexuality?

Last time when I told my mother I thought I might be asexual (I confirmed it some weeks later) she said "you just haven't found it yet".

So.. I dropped the topic and thought I'd let it rest.

But being a person who wants her parents to know what goes on in her life I want to tell them that I am and that there is no such thing as what she said.

I thought of buying a bracelet?

Don't know where to get one besides Etsy that is..

If they saw it they might ask and I could tell them.

So really.. how do I tell my parents?

Should I wait a bit?

Or should I just not tell them at all?

Especially since my mother is kind of.. ignorant about this.

How do I tell her this is the real deal?

[Rising Sun]

It's your choice to tell them now, later or to keep your asexuality for yourself. The only person who should know about your asexuality is your partner, if you have one. Nobody else needs to know.

Coming out as an asexual is different from coming out as gay, because let's say if you're heteroromantic, even when you'll have a partner, no one will know that you're an asexual so there is no need to come out. The problem of coming out is different if you're homoromantic, biromantic or aromantic, because if you're homoromantic or biromantic, people will know your romantic orientation sooner or later, and if you're aromantic, you will probably need sooner or later to tell your parents to stop bothering you when they want you to find a romantic partner.

[Skaiya]

It's your choice to tell them now, later or to keep your asexuality for yourself. The only person who should know about your asexuality is your partner, if you have one. Nobody else needs to know.

Coming out as an asexual is different from coming out as gay, because let's say if you're heteroromantic, even when you'll have a partner, no one will know that you're an asexual so there is no need to come out. The problem of coming out is different if you're homoromantic, biromantic or aromantic, because if you're homoromantic or biromantic, people will know your romantic orientation sooner or later, and if you're aromantic, you will probably need sooner or later to tell your parents to stop bothering you when they want you to find a romantic partner.

I see..

Thanks for the advice!

[ShyFeather]

In my case, I've decided to slowly come out to them. Basically I'm open to them about certain topics or things that happen to me (someone telling me I'm autistic because of being asexual, my future plans), but I never mention it's related to my asexuality. That way I still get their support without having to face explaining asexuality to them. I also don't pretend I'm attracted to anyone and I still say eww at kissing scenes (and my 6yo nephew has joined me in this; it's pretty awesome). So far, I can see my mother gets it but it still baffles my dad. Eventually when they get used to this is how I am, I'll tell them, "By the way, it's called asexuality." I think it'll be easier to ease them into it than throw it all at them at once.

This is just my approach. There are others too so choose which approach you think would be best for your parents.

[butterscotchwm]

Parents can be tricky when coming out to them... Because it really depends on how close-minded, open-minded, or how educated they are on the subject. Whenever I came out to someone as asexual, I always asked them first if they knew what it was. So in other words, educate them first. See how they react to this new information. And then, if you feel ok with it, choose a time to tell them that you're asexual.

However, I tried this tactic with my mom once and the results were less than ideal. She thought she knew what asexuality was, so when I asked her she said yes. And then when I told her I was ace, she started freaking out and asking me, "You still identify as a woman, right??" And I said, "Um, yeah?" And then she asked, "So what makes you think you're asexual?" And I told her, "because I've never been sexually attracted to anyone, ever." And my mom said, "Ok, that doesn't mean you're asexual..." That's when I was like WELP....

So I went through a period of trying to educate my mother on what asexuality is. Even when I tried to explain at first, she ended the conversation saying that she "didn't believe me." It was a little hard because she basically doesn't believe anything like this unless there's a lot of well-known, mainstream, scientific information about it. (She would have never acknowledged that gay people are born gay unless a scientist or some doctor said it was true.) There are scientific papers and books on asexuality (although not many), but I gave her The Invisible Orientation because that was the book I had at the time. She read it, but I'm still not %100 sure if she's actually opening her mind up to the idea of people being asexual... I think she believes that I'm more like her, and that I'm really just a straight woman who has a low sex drive. I know without a doubt that that's not the case, unfortunately I can't prove that to her.

Maybe I'll show her my other book I got more recently, Understanding Asexuality by Anthony Boegart. I'm just a little hesitant to do so, because my mom wasn't really that open to talking about asexuality anyways, and I'm afraid that if I give her another book, she'll just roll her eyes and be like "OK, ok...."

So I guess my advice is to just make sure that whoever you're coming out to KNOWS what asexuality is.

[Lydian]

I told my parents and they don't get it but whatever. My dad suspected me of having sex with my friend so obviously he doens't get it and my mom just keeps asking me if I'm gay or saying she doesn't think I know what I want. I say just tell them, be secure in it even if they don't get it and maybe eventually they'll realize you really are ace. If they don't well....hopefully they don't try to pressure you into dating.

[Akira Jumps]

I seem to be having the same problem as Ambris. I came out to my parents a few weeks ago, but most of the comments I get whenever the conversation turns to 'So where's your girlfriend/boyfriend?' 'Shouldn't you be dating by now?' Isn't she/he a hunk?' I get really awkward because I have no desire for such things. But when I mention this, I am reminded that my parents don't understand non-binary sexualities and I am always degraded because of it. My dad refused to believe it at all because it's not the 'right way a person should be.'

Any advice on how to get through that? Most of the people I have brought it up to casually - because they're asking me questions like the above ones - give me really rude answers like:

"Were you raped as a child?"

"You just need to be fucked."

Or

"So you do it with animals?

I'm just not sure what to do. When I found out about asexuality, I was happy to find out there was nothing wrong with me. But now I'm not so sure?

[FallOutAtTheMotionCityDisc]

I also like for my parents to know what goes on in my life, it's nice to know that I can talk to them about anything, partly because I really don't have any friends I can tell everything...

What I did was talked to my Mom about asexual people a lot before coming out to her. Eventually she asked me "so are you saying you're asexual?" and I replied "yes", and that was that! She still struggles with understanding it (she is allo after all, so she has no idea how it feels), but she accepts it because I took the time to explain it to her first. If I had just said "hey I'm asexual!" she would've been like "daf*q are you saying to me right now?" and it wouldn't have gone as well

If you think they'll be open minded about it then definitely ease them into it and tell them! Otherwise, maybe hold off a bit, but if you want to tell them go for it :)

Good luck!

[Member 83310]

Personally I don't talk to anyone about my personal life especially not to my parents because it seems awkward. Even though I share a lot with them and have a good relationship with them, this would probably be something they would misinterpret and make me feel weird and like an outcast. I don't think i'll ever tell them or anyone else in my family for that matter. I don't really consider the people I occasionally hang out with to be my friends and even if they were my closest friends it would just be the same situation as with my family, I wouldn't want them to look at me differently or treat me differently. Humans just judge people like that and certain opinions/thoughts they have of you will be reflected on how they act around you so to avoid all of that mess I just keep it to myself and life goes on.

[Skaiya]

In my case, I've decided to slowly come out to them. Basically I'm open to them about certain topics or things that happen to me (someone telling me I'm autistic because of being asexual, my future plans), but I never mention it's related to my asexuality. That way I still get their support without having to face explaining asexuality to them. I also don't pretend I'm attracted to anyone and I still say eww at kissing scenes (and my 6yo nephew has joined me in this; it's pretty awesome). So far, I can see my mother gets it but it still baffles my dad. Eventually when they get used to this is how I am, I'll tell them, "By the way, it's called asexuality." I think it'll be easier to ease them into it than throw it all at them at once.

This is just my approach. There are others too so choose which approach you think would be best for your parents.

I guess that's a better way, (I like your 6yo nephew ;p)

Parents can be tricky when coming out to them... Because it really depends on how close-minded, open-minded, or how educated they are on the subject. Whenever I came out to someone as asexual, I always asked them first if they knew what it was. So in other words, educate them first. See how they react to this new information. And then, if you feel ok with it, choose a time to tell them that you're asexual.

However, I tried this tactic with my mom once and the results were less than ideal. She thought she knew what asexuality was, so when I asked her she said yes. And then when I told her I was ace, she started freaking out and asking me, "You still identify as a woman, right??" And I said, "Um, yeah?" And then she asked, "So what makes you think you're asexual?" And I told her, "because I've never been sexually attracted to anyone, ever." And my mom said, "Ok, that doesn't mean you're asexual..." That's when I was like WELP....

So I went through a period of trying to educate my mother on what asexuality is. Even when I tried to explain at first, she ended the conversation saying that she "didn't believe me." It was a little hard because she basically doesn't believe anything like this unless there's a lot of well-known, mainstream, scientific information about it. (She would have never acknowledged that gay people are born gay unless a scientist or some doctor said it was true.) There are scientific papers and books on asexuality (although not many), but I gave her The Invisible Orientation because that was the book I had at the time. She read it, but I'm still not %100 sure if she's actually opening her mind up to the idea of people being asexual... I think she believes that I'm more like her, and that I'm really just a straight woman who has a low sex drive. I know without a doubt that that's not the case, unfortunately I can't prove that to her.

Maybe I'll show her my other book I got more recently, Understanding Asexuality by Anthony Boegart. I'm just a little hesitant to do so, because my mom wasn't really that open to talking about asexuality anyways, and I'm afraid that if I give her another book, she'll just roll her eyes and be like "OK, ok...."

So I guess my advice is to just make sure that whoever you're coming out to KNOWS what asexuality is.

Oh dear.. I tried to educate my mother a bit on the subject but yea.. she's like "it's not real".

Oh man, must have been really weird when your mother says it's not what asexuality is about..

She sounds a bit like my mother.. when my mother see's something on the news it "must be true". Or at any of the discovery channels.

But yea, I should make sure they know what asexuality is.

I told my parents and they don't get it but whatever. My dad suspected me of having sex with my friend so obviously he doens't get it and my mom just keeps asking me if I'm gay or saying she doesn't think I know what I want. I say just tell them, be secure in it even if they don't get it and maybe eventually they'll realize you really are ace. If they don't well....hopefully they don't try to pressure you into dating.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I shall see if I can bring the subject up once more >.<

Well, after some terribly failed relationships they are like "DO NOT DATE". So that's something I shouldn't worry about c:

I seem to be having the same problem as Ambris. I came out to my parents a few weeks ago, but most of the comments I get whenever the conversation turns to 'So where's your girlfriend/boyfriend?' 'Shouldn't you be dating by now?' Isn't she/he a hunk?' I get really awkward because I have no desire for such things. But when I mention this, I am reminded that my parents don't understand non-binary sexualities and I am always degraded because of it. My dad refused to believe it at all because it's not the 'right way a person should be.'

Any advice on how to get through that? Most of the people I have brought it up to casually - because they're asking me questions like the above ones - give me really rude answers like:

"Were you raped as a child?"

"You just need to be fucked."

Or

"So you do it with animals?

I'm just not sure what to do. When I found out about asexuality, I was happy to find out there was nothing wrong with me. But now I'm not so sure?

Oh wow, I am so sorry to hear you dad said something like that!

Geez.. people are so.. ugh :\

There is nothing wrong with you, people are just ignorant and close minded and mean.

Bah, I am really sorry to hear they are giving you such a difficult time.

I also like for my parents to know what goes on in my life, it's nice to know that I can talk to them about anything, partly because I really don't have any friends I can tell everything...

What I did was talked to my Mom about asexual people a lot before coming out to her. Eventually she asked me "so are you saying you're asexual?" and I replied "yes", and that was that! She still struggles with understanding it (she is allo after all, so she has no idea how it feels), but she accepts it because I took the time to explain it to her first. If I had just said "hey I'm asexual!" she would've been like "daf*q are you saying to me right now?" and it wouldn't have gone as well

If you think they'll be open minded about it then definitely ease them into it and tell them! Otherwise, maybe hold off a bit, but if you want to tell them go for it :)

Good luck!

(Know that feeling).

(What does allo mean?)

I see, well, that's an idea, but I do have parents that barely listen to what I say..

I know, I still want them to know about me even tho they barely listen.

So explaining stuff is a pain..

My dad isn't open minded at all so that's going to be tricky >.<

Thank you!

Personally I don't talk to anyone about my personal life especially not to my parents because it seems awkward. Even though I share a lot with them and have a good relationship with them, this would probably be something they would misinterpret and make me feel weird and like an outcast. I don't think i'll ever tell them or anyone else in my family for that matter. I don't really consider the people I occasionally hang out with to be my friends and even if they were my closest friends it would just be the same situation as with my family, I wouldn't want them to look at me differently or treat me differently. Humans just judge people like that and certain opinions/thoughts they have of you will be reflected on how they act around you so to avoid all of that mess I just keep it to myself and life goes on.

I understand what you are saying there. Of course, you don't have to tell anyone.

[I'd rather be in band.]

I told my mother and my father because I knew they'd except me. Besides, I felt like a liar for just telling them I was attracted to people. It was part of the facade I created, I suppose.

Anyway, I told them and I was accepted. Sometimes my mother tells me, "It might change," to which I reply, "But it might not." We frequently just settle it there. I think sometimes she's just testing to see if I'm still ace. However, we joke about it all of the time, so I assume she's taking it relatively well. My father, on the other hand, really doesn't get it. He thinks I'm just celibate. Whatever, close enough.

But honestly if your mom isn't going to accept that you're asexual if you tell her all at once, and you still would like to tell her, - which, as stated above by many others, is not a requirement - I suggest you drop small hints in conversations that can allude to asexuality. They don't have to be obvious. Do that for a while, or maybe even talk about relationship problems - if you had any - that arose from your being asexual. Perhaps do this until she realizes how you are, and then suggest it once more in a gentle way. There are many ways to do it, but you certainly don't have to come out if you don't want to. If you prefer to be open with your parents about it, that's fine. But PLEASE do not doubt yourself because of anything they say in response. I did that when I tried to even mention asexuality to another family member and it was a bad period in my life.

Just try to ease into it, I suppose. All of AVEN will be here for you if you need us. Hopefully they accept it eventually, though! I wish you luck!

[Skaiya]

I told my mother and my father because I knew they'd except me. Besides, I felt like a liar for just telling them I was attracted to people. It was part of the facade I created, I suppose.

Anyway, I told them and I was accepted. Sometimes my mother tells me, "It might change," to which I reply, "But it might not." We frequently just settle it there. I think sometimes she's just testing to see if I'm still ace. However, we joke about it all of the time, so I assume she's taking it relatively well. My father, on the other hand, really doesn't get it. He thinks I'm just celibate. Whatever, close enough.

But honestly if your mom isn't going to accept that you're asexual if you tell her all at once, and you still would like to tell her, - which, as stated above by many others, is not a requirement - I suggest you drop small hints in conversations that can allude to asexuality. They don't have to be obvious. Do that for a while, or maybe even talk about relationship problems - if you had any - that arose from your being asexual. Perhaps do this until she realizes how you are, and then suggest it once more in a gentle way. There are many ways to do it, but you certainly don't have to come out if you don't want to. If you prefer to be open with your parents about it, that's fine. But PLEASE do not doubt yourself because of anything they say in response. I did that when I tried to even mention asexuality to another family member and it was a bad period in my life.

Just try to ease into it, I suppose. All of AVEN will be here for you if you need us. Hopefully they accept it eventually, though! I wish you luck!

I'm glad your parents accepted it!

I see, well, I have been dropping hints since forever actually.

I guess I shall wait a bit more, drop some more hints and eventually just tell them, if either the subject comes to matter or if they talk about me being in a relationship and all.

[I'd rather be in band.]

I told my mother and my father because I knew they'd except me. Besides, I felt like a liar for just telling them I was attracted to people. It was part of the facade I created, I suppose.

Anyway, I told them and I was accepted. Sometimes my mother tells me, "It might change," to which I reply, "But it might not." We frequently just settle it there. I think sometimes she's just testing to see if I'm still ace. However, we joke about it all of the time, so I assume she's taking it relatively well. My father, on the other hand, really doesn't get it. He thinks I'm just celibate. Whatever, close enough.

But honestly if your mom isn't going to accept that you're asexual if you tell her all at once, and you still would like to tell her, - which, as stated above by many others, is not a requirement - I suggest you drop small hints in conversations that can allude to asexuality. They don't have to be obvious. Do that for a while, or maybe even talk about relationship problems - if you had any - that arose from your being asexual. Perhaps do this until she realizes how you are, and then suggest it once more in a gentle way. There are many ways to do it, but you certainly don't have to come out if you don't want to. If you prefer to be open with your parents about it, that's fine. But PLEASE do not doubt yourself because of anything they say in response. I did that when I tried to even mention asexuality to another family member and it was a bad period in my life.

Just try to ease into it, I suppose. All of AVEN will be here for you if you need us. Hopefully they accept it eventually, though! I wish you luck!

I'm glad your parents accepted it!

I see, well, I have been dropping hints since forever actually.

I guess I shall wait a bit more, drop some more hints and eventually just tell them, if either the subject comes to matter or if they talk about me being in a relationship and all.

That's as good a plan as any. Just remember you have support here if anything happens! :)

[Prisma]

Telling them or not is your choice. However, making people believe asexuality is real is pretty difficult. Showing them AVEN might help, though; if they see there are many asexuals out there maybe they'll take it more seriously.

[Skaiya]

Telling them or not is your choice. However, making people believe asexuality is real is pretty difficult. Showing them AVEN might help, though; if they see there are many asexuals out there maybe they'll take it more seriously.

Well as I stated before, I want them to know what goes on in my life.

Maybe, but they aren't really the internet/computer type of people so they'll be lost with whatever I show them anyway.

Telling them there are more like me might help.

[GeoAmy]

I showed my parents the article that was in psychology today October 2013 and that worked well. I'm also older (41), so it was hard for them to really challenge me on it. I knew my parents would be accepting, but it turned out my dad was super supportive about it. I wanted to tell them because most of my current friends are ace and it's easier to share what I've been up to if I can distinguish different groups of people for them. I also wanted to clarify that I wasn't gay (they hadn't thought so, but other people had asked my dad if I was). I also told my brother and sister without any issue. Nobody has followed up on it with me though, which is fine.

[Skaiya]

Update, my parents know about it.

Didn't really go the way I wanted it to go but they know.