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Is it love or is it not?


Namnahr

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Hello AVENites,

i've been having a few questions for the past months, some of them are of more philosophic nature and some of them are just driving me nuts...

how i got there (if too long, just read after TL;DR):

For quite some time now there is this one person in my life, to keep it simple let's just call him Bob. Bob has been quite a good friend of mine for about a year now. He knows that i'm asexual. He has gone with homosexual for years but now he says it's more like demisexual. Bob has become a very important person in my life. For example i can just lay on a bed and cuddle with him and it's totally natural and unforced.

For me this seems like really intimate and personal because we do these things i would be wishing for in a relationship. The thing is... we don't have that kind of relationship, we are just really good friends.

Bob has got some other friends who he cuddles with in that manner as well, so i'm not really special to him in that regard...

So... by now i've got the feeling i've developed some (romantic) feelings for him that go beyond a friendship.

For quite a while now i've been asking myself whether i'm in love with Bob or whether i'm just convincing myself.

TL;DR

So, is it love or is it just pretending?

i'm asking myself... would i be asking whether i'm convincing myself if i had truly fallen in love?

is there this thing people call "falling in love" in the first place or is it convincing oneself all along?

And is it really important whether it's love or convincing oneself if there are feelings manifesting nevertheless? Those are just some random thoughts of mine...

What are your thoughts/opinions?

~ Namnahr

p.s.

i'm not really sure if this is the right forum... If not, please feel free to move it ^^

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I think it's the really tough line that asexuals have to figure out between the way they care for friends and care for someone who is more than a friend.

I've experienced it and I personally never really figured it out, I still have to try to understand other people's feelings and then check back with mine and compare, which obviously doesn't make anything easy. The reassuring thing is that the AVEN guy (David Jay? I think that's his name) explains he seems to be running into the same issue in the documentary (A)sexuality, because asexuals can care a lot about their friends and then there's a point where it's more, but it's a line that can be more blurry for asexuals.

I don't think it's the case for every asexuals either, but those who have to form a deep friendship before considering a relationship, then yeah it's pretty tough.

As for love, who knows. I never got it, for me it's just another word for caring very much about the someone. But then I care a lot about my friends and when I was in a relationship I just cared more about that person.

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Conscientious Ghost

Despite the confusion, Bob sounds like a beloved person in your life. I don't know if what you are experiencing is love or wrapping your brain around the idea of falling in love. There is this odd phenomenon called 'romantic love', and it can often times also be a person convincing themselves it is romantic love. Convincing themselves it's romantic love is called 'falling in love with the idea of love'. Whether love is or isn't important even if the feelings are manifesting themselves depends on the person. I wouldn't think it's (romantically speaking) important because it's a chemical reaction in my brain. Nonetheless people will have different or similar opinions on that topic.


I always wonder what makes romantic love specifically different from other kinds of love when one identifies as an asexual. If I ask that question to my friends, family, or other folks, they would reply, "I wouldn't do dirty stuff with them."

That's fantastic because I wouldn't do that with anyone. I think love is subjective and confusing.


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Wow... those are some questions I would like to know the answers myself. It really can be confusing... people express their love and feel love in different ways. I can say I love my friends, but I (currently) don't have a romantic interest in them. I care deeply about them and I'll be there for them, but the only way I show my love is supporting them, talking and listening to them... nothing more. Though if someone I loved happened to be one of my friends, then I would express my love differently. I'd still do the same things I do with my friends, but I would be willing to cuddle with them and go on dates and such. It's hard because I don't want to ruin a good friendship and I doubt they'd feel the same way about me. I also don't want to force it. Sometimes I do feel like I'm persuading myself... I was going to say sometimes I really do feel like I'm in love, but... maybe that wasn't the case. :( Because after it happened, I didn't really feel like my heart broke, just disappointed. I wasn't depressed and I didn't cry, just simply disappointed. Then again maybe that's my luck because it's not like that happened often, it only happened once. I never actually been in a relationship, my only experience was a doomed flirtationship (haha long story... very long story) and television. :unsure:

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Those are questions I run into myself. I have a friend sort of like that. I'm not sure if this is the type of thing you're looking for, but in my experience, I realized my feelings for my friend were not romantic when I pursued my first romantic relationship with someone else. I think with the asexual community especially (and this is generally speaking of course), the line between friendship and romance is harder to define because we don't have sexual attraction as a component that can help us distinguish it. The only way I was able to determine the difference between attractions was to experience both, and unfortunately that's not something you can do on a whim. I wish I were able to offer more immediate help, but I can definitely relate to your situation.

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Thank you very much for your answers so far. I've read some pretty interesting stuff in your lines and hope there's more to come :D

Wow... those are some questions I would like to know the answers myself. It really can be confusing... people express their love and feel love in different ways. I can say I love my friends, but I (currently) don't have a romantic interest in them. I care deeply about them and I'll be there for them, but the only way I show my love is supporting them, talking and listening to them... nothing more. Though if someone I loved happened to be one of my friends, then I would express my love differently. I'd still do the same things I do with my friends, but I would be willing to cuddle with them and go on dates and such. It's hard because I don't want to ruin a good friendship and I doubt they'd feel the same way about me. I also don't want to force it. Sometimes I do feel like I'm persuading myself... I was going to say sometimes I really do feel like I'm in love, but... maybe that wasn't the case. :( Because after it happened, I didn't really feel like my heart broke, just disappointed. I wasn't depressed and I didn't cry, just simply disappointed. Then again maybe that's my luck because it's not like that happened often, it only happened once. I never actually been in a relationship, my only experience was a doomed flirtationship (haha long story... very long story) and television. :unsure:

This is exactly how i feel about this situation.

What's making it even more difficult is that i know that it's very different from the feeling i had the last time when i "fell in love".

Because last time it was like my heart was on fire and when it didn't work out i was quite sad for a while.

Not depressed and not just disappointed but something in between. Just as like my heart broke just a little...

(Though i knew it wouldn't work out, plus afterwards i realized that it wasn't really love but i projected my wishes into "what could be"

maybe that's why i haven't been too heartbroken about it...)

But this time it feels different, like my heart isn't just as much on fire like last time...

Yeah, i care deeply about him... and sometimes i'm really losing myself in the thought of being in a relationship with him... and sometimes i think it wouldn't work out either way...

And when i'm thinking about it not working out which might be a very likely scenario, i think i would just be disappointed and not heartbroken. I think i would be fine because we could easily stay being good friends nevertheless and i would be able to move on relatively quickly.

And that brings just new questions like why am i not able to just drop it and move on right now? Sure it might work out but when it's so much more likely it doesn't, why not just drop it? The problem is i can think like this as much as i want but i am just not able to "drop it"...

(BTW i'm not being just pessimistic about it, there are real reasons... like i could make a list of pros and cons why it could work out and why not and there would be more on the negative side...)

The only way I was able to determine the difference between attractions was to experience both, and unfortunately that's not something you can do on a whim.

I think i actually did experience both in my lifetime but as i wrote above... this time i'm just not sure anymore which one it is...

I think love is subjective and confusing.

*sigh*

yup... that's why it is so difficult to actually figure stuff out... xD

i may just have to think about the whole thing for some more time... ^^

~ Namnahr

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It's up to you what you call it. As far as I know everyone experiences it differently anyway, there's not really a strict definition of it. You care about him, that's what matters.

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So, obviously "love" is subjective and you feel whatever you feel and there is 100% truth to how you feel, so don't take what I'm going to say as anything other than my personal outlook on love...

Personally, I don't think its possible to be in love with someone unless you've been in a relationship with them and experienced - truly experienced - what they are like day-to-day, what it's like to be emotionally entangled with them, etc. I've seen far too often (in my own life and my friends') where you think you're in love, start dating someone, and are like "oh, had no idea they're a total asshole about XYZ". You never know what being with someone is going to be like until you're actually with them.

For what it's worth.

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It's a difficult question for sure because there are many kinds of love. I definitely feel love for my friends and I feel another kind of love for my son and yet another for my partner. Romantic love, to me at least, is very intense in the beginning. Borderline insane, really, and I feel obsessed with the person and just generally... crazy. Very strong emotions and very easily going either down or up. That's what being "in love" is for me. After a while the intensity wears off and is replaced by deeper more steady kind of love, like the kind you feel for friends and family, but the crazy spark kinda thing is still there somehow and that makes it different from any other kind of love I feel. I especially feel it when we're apart and I get all giddy and tickly inside thinking of my partner. Kind of like how it was it the beginning but not as insanely strong and not the same rollercoaster of emotions (thankfully!).

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Thank you very much for your answers so far. I've read some pretty interesting stuff in your lines and hope there's more to come :D

(I'm happy to announce once more that the English speaking community seems to have more to say to this topic German one xD)

Wow... those are some questions I would like to know the answers myself. It really can be confusing... people express their love and feel love in different ways. I can say I love my friends, but I (currently) don't have a romantic interest in them. I care deeply about them and I'll be there for them, but the only way I show my love is supporting them, talking and listening to them... nothing more. Though if someone I loved happened to be one of my friends, then I would express my love differently. I'd still do the same things I do with my friends, but I would be willing to cuddle with them and go on dates and such. It's hard because I don't want to ruin a good friendship and I doubt they'd feel the same way about me. I also don't want to force it. Sometimes I do feel like I'm persuading myself... I was going to say sometimes I really do feel like I'm in love, but... maybe that wasn't the case. :( Because after it happened, I didn't really feel like my heart broke, just disappointed. I wasn't depressed and I didn't cry, just simply disappointed. Then again maybe that's my luck because it's not like that happened often, it only happened once. I never actually been in a relationship, my only experience was a doomed flirtationship (haha long story... very long story) and television. :unsure:

This is exactly how i feel about this situation.

What's making it even more difficult is that i know that it's very different from the feeling i had the last time when i "fell in love".

Because last time it was like my heart was on fire and when it didn't work out i was quite sad for a while.

Not depressed and not just disappointed but something in between. Just as like my heart broke just a little...

(Though i knew it wouldn't work out, plus afterwards i realized that it wasn't really love but i projected my wishes into "what could be"

maybe that's why i haven't been too heartbroken about it...)

But this time it feels different, like my heart isn't just as much on fire like last time...

Yeah, i care deeply about him... and sometimes i'm really losing myself in the thought of being in a relationship with him... and sometimes i think it wouldn't work out either way...

And when i'm thinking about it not working out which might be a very likely scenario, i think i would just be disappointed and not heartbroken. I think i would be fine because we could easily stay being good friends nevertheless and i would be able to move on relatively quickly.

And that brings just new questions like why am i not able to just drop it and move on right now? Sure it might work out but when it's so much more likely it doesn't, why not just drop it? The problem is i can think like this as much as i want but i am just not able to "drop it"...

(BTW i'm not being just pessimistic about it, there are real reasons... like i could make a list of pros and cons why it could work out and why not and there would be more on the negative side...)

The only way I was able to determine the difference between attractions was to experience both, and unfortunately that's not something you can do on a whim.

I think i actually did experience both in my lifetime but as i wrote above... this time i'm just not sure anymore which one it is...

I think love is subjective and confusing.

*sigh*

yup... that's why it is so difficult to actually figure stuff out... xD

i may just have to think about the whole thing for some more time... ^^

~ Namnahr

:( I wish I could be more helpful. I haven't had much experience at all and have yet to know what kind of love it is to feel in a close relationship. I'd say that maybe you do love him, but what do I know? I'm pretty clueless when it comes to relationships and not sure if my advice would be the best, just so you know. If it feels different to you, maybe it is love...

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