using weight as barrier to avoid sexual attention...but...

[Neurula]

I am considerably overweight and I worry for my health, but a strange thing happens when I start to lose weight...I totally freak out and binge. I have been doing this for years and it took me a long time to understand why. After I discovered I am asexual, possibly aromantic as well, this got me thinking.My former therapist believes I use my weight to avoid having to set sexual boundaries, I am starting to believe she is right, but I discovered that I don't freak when I lose a few pounds once I established with myself that I am asexual. However, when I am thinner, I am quite attractive, but unfortunately for me, I seem to get unwanted sexual attentionn... not really sexual harassment in most cases, but I get the look, you know, the up-down look. I really rather be invisible than to draw this kind of attention. However, this is a Major obstacle in losing weight. I thought about shaving my head when I lost the weight I needed to, but I have a very boyish face when my hair is short and get asked if I am male or female, and I don't want that kind of attention either. One great thing about being fat is most creepy guys ignore me. I find alot of comfort in being ignored by strangers. I like being aesthetically atteactive, but am totally weirded out by sex and those who think I am sexually attractive.

Got any ideas of what I can do to lose weight at least within the healthy range without drawing unwanted sexual attention? I am worried about my health if I keep this up.

Hm, interesting, I never thought about asexuals who might become obese so they're not sexually attractive. I hate attention too, especially sexual advances. But I also don't like the idea of becoming obese, and I'm currently watching what I eat and working out so my stomach stops protruding.

As others have mentioned, I think what you really must do is learn to accept that sexual attraction is a part of life. I certainly don't like it, and I don't like romantic attraction or crushes either. But I try not to think about them too much. It's taken me many years to stop worrying about other people's attraction (or repulsion) to me. I'm only fooling myself if I think that not wearing certain clothing will stop men from staring. I think you should remind yourself why you want to lose weight: for your health. If your health is very important to you then losing weight will be worth it.

[Guest]

I am no longer seeing a therapist, but will soon after the first of the year. I relocated recently. I think you are right...I think I am having subconscious flashbacks which is resulting in self sabotaging behavior whenever a guy is sexually attracted to me. To me, they look like a predatory animal has possessed them.... so ya it may be a flashback.

Might be a good idea to discard that perception. Generally, men are just as sentimental as women but have been taught not to show it. If a man looks at you, he may want only sex, but he might also be looking for a mate or a partner and thus wouldn't want someone who is unwilling. Even the ones that want just sex tend to take pride in being able to please women, rather than traumatize them.

It's easy to know that logically, but when you have had it turned against you in a predatory manner, it's harder to FEEL safe/comfortable. I doubt the OP actually thinks every man that looks will attack, but ... knowing that won't stop you feeling anxiety if it's linked to trauma.

[element83]

I actually had the opposite problem. Being sexually assaulted exacerbated my eating disorder, because being thin enough to be unattractive (I had several people tell me I looked ill) made me feel safer.

Personally what I found helped was wearing clothing that masked the shape of my body, and always looking down at the ground when I go places (because then I don't notice any unwanted sexual attention I might be getting).

[Augustus]

I am no longer seeing a therapist, but will soon after the first of the year. I relocated recently. I think you are right...I think I am having subconscious flashbacks which is resulting in self sabotaging behavior whenever a guy is sexually attracted to me. To me, they look like a predatory animal has possessed them.... so ya it may be a flashback.

Might be a good idea to discard that perception. Generally, men are just as sentimental as women but have been taught not to show it. If a man looks at you, he may want only sex, but he might also be looking for a mate or a partner and thus wouldn't want someone who is unwilling. Even the ones that want just sex tend to take pride in being able to please women, rather than traumatize them.

It's easy to know that logically, but when you have had it turned against you in a predatory manner, it's harder to FEEL safe/comfortable. I doubt the OP actually thinks every man that looks will attack, but ... knowing that won't stop you feeling anxiety if it's linked to trauma.

Well, she came in here asking for helpful information for their issue, and a simple reminder of a logical point of view can't exactly hurt. She might have had trauma, but that doesn't mean that I am going to treat her like an idiot who is incapable of learning any sort of solution to her problem. Besides, maybe she never thought of it my way.

[aspiepoet]

avoiding such attention should never come at the expense of your health

I know this all too well, but there is something that goes on within me when I get this kind of attention, I sorta snap...it's hard to describe.

[aspiepoet]

I am no longer seeing a therapist, but will soon after the first of the year. I relocated recently. I think you are right...I think I am having subconscious flashbacks which is resulting in self sabotaging behavior whenever a guy is sexually attracted to me. To me, they look like a predatory animal has possessed them.... so ya it may be a flashback.

Might be a good idea to discard that perception. Generally, men are just as sentimental as women but have been taught not to show it. If a man looks at you, he may want only sex, but he might also be looking for a mate or a partner and thus wouldn't want someone who is unwilling. Even the ones that want just sex tend to take pride in being able to please women, rather than traumatize them.

It's easy to know that logically, but when you have had it turned against you in a predatory manner, it's harder to FEEL safe/comfortable. I doubt the OP actually thinks every man that looks will attack, but ... knowing that won't stop you feeling anxiety if it's linked to trauma.

This is very true. Trauma-related anxiety is rarely something one can rationalise. Your brain and body react on a gut level before your rational mind has a chance to jump in. At least, in my personal experience, that's how it works. Others' accounts of anxiety and panic that I've heard have been similar.

Anyway, I can relate in some ways. I took the weight thing to the other end of the spectrum. Although a desire to avoid attention is only one part of the overall picture for me, anorexia (and then bulimia) became one method to deter male interest. (Female interest wouldn't bother me in the same way I'm pretty sure, because I don't have the same mental aversion, but that doesn't really happen to me in everyday life, so...) Anyway, although "thin" is often associated with desirability in our fucked-up society, you-look-like-you-have-terminal-cancer-skinny isn't. Although I'm close to a normal weight these days (but still very much struggling with my disorder), in my late teens and early 20s, I found that making myself look like I was a sickly ten-year-old and dressing in clothes five sizes too large pretty much killed off the possibility of guys looking at me that way. (There are many other factors behind my disorder, though; it's not just about that.)

So yeah, I understand what it's like to use weight as a deterrent. You're very right that it's not healthy -- nor remotely worth it to risk your wellbeing. I'm afraid I don't have much advice, otherwise I guess I would've solved my own issues by now... but I do know where you're coming from.

Edit: Yeah, element83 said it.

I am considerably overweight and I worry for my health, but a strange thing happens when I start to lose weight...I totally freak out and binge. I have been doing this for years and it took me a long time to understand why. After I discovered I am asexual, possibly aromantic as well, this got me thinking.My former therapist believes I use my weight to avoid having to set sexual boundaries, I am starting to believe she is right, but I discovered that I don't freak when I lose a few pounds once I established with myself that I am asexual. However, when I am thinner, I am quite attractive, but unfortunately for me, I seem to get unwanted sexual attentionn... not really sexual harassment in most cases, but I get the look, you know, the up-down look. I really rather be invisible than to draw this kind of attention. However, this is a Major obstacle in losing weight. I thought about shaving my head when I lost the weight I needed to, but I have a very boyish face when my hair is short and get asked if I am male or female, and I don't want that kind of attention either. One great thing about being fat is most creepy guys ignore me. I find alot of comfort in being ignored by strangers. I like being aesthetically atteactive, but am totally weirded out by sex and those who think I am sexually attractive.

Got any ideas of what I can do to lose weight at least within the healthy range without drawing unwanted sexual attention? I am worried about my health if I keep this up.

Hm, interesting, I never thought about asexuals who might become obese so they're not sexually attractive. I hate attention too, especially sexual advances. But I also don't like the idea of becoming obese, and I'm currently watching what I eat and working out so my stomach stops protruding.

As others have mentioned, I think what you really must do is learn to accept that sexual attraction is a part of life. I certainly don't like it, and I don't like romantic attraction or crushes either. But I try not to think about them too much. It's taken me many years to stop worrying about other people's attraction (or repulsion) to me. I'm only fooling myself if I think that not wearing certain clothing will stop men from staring. I think you should remind yourself why you want to lose weight: for your health. If your health is very important to you then losing weight will be worth it.

I have though about losing enough weight to where I am out of the danger range, so to speak, but keep enough on to feel "safe", but alternatively, I really rather have a body that works well for me regardless of size and shape. If I am 30lbs overweight but healthy and fit that would be ideal. It sounds crazy I know, to think of fat as some security blanket

[aspiepoet]

I am no longer seeing a therapist, but will soon after the first of the year. I relocated recently. I think you are right...I think I am having subconscious flashbacks which is resulting in self sabotaging behavior whenever a guy is sexually attracted to me. To me, they look like a predatory animal has possessed them.... so ya it may be a flashback.

Might be a good idea to discard that perception. Generally, men are just as sentimental as women but have been taught not to show it. If a man looks at you, he may want only sex, but he might also be looking for a mate or a partner and thus wouldn't want someone who is unwilling. Even the ones that want just sex tend to take pride in being able to please women, rather than traumatize them.

It's easy to know that logically, but when you have had it turned against you in a predatory manner, it's harder to FEEL safe/comfortable. I doubt the OP actually thinks every man that looks will attack, but ... knowing that won't stop you feeling anxiety if it's linked to trauma.

Well, she came in here asking for helpful information for their issue, and a simple reminder of a logical point of view can't exactly hurt. She might have had trauma, but that doesn't mean that I am going to treat her like an idiot who is incapable of learning any sort of solution to her problem. Besides, maybe she never thought of it my way.

Actually a little bit of both is right on that. I have no problem with women flirting with me, but guys flirting with me can creep me out and I know most guys are well meaning at least intellectually, but something happens at a deeper level that defies logic when a guy shows any kind of attraction to me. Even when guy friends begin to show a sexual interest in me, it feels like a betrayal. I prefer to be regarded as one of the guys. I actually don't mind the males of our species and am a bit of a tomboy myself, but when a guy friend suddenly finds me sexually attractive, I usually end the friendship because it feels like a betrayal. When I was a kid, I hung out with mostly guys and was regarded as one of the guys, then a strange thing happened in middle school...I became a woman and my relationship with guys has never been the same, suddenly they wanted to stick their what?.....where? I never understood sex...it's gross.

[aspiepoet]

I am no longer seeing a therapist, but will soon after the first of the year. I relocated recently. I think you are right...I think I am having subconscious flashbacks which is resulting in self sabotaging behavior whenever a guy is sexually attracted to me. To me, they look like a predatory animal has possessed them.... so ya it may be a flashback.

Might be a good idea to discard that perception. Generally, men are just as sentimental as women but have been taught not to show it. If a man looks at you, he may want only sex, but he might also be looking for a mate or a partner and thus wouldn't want someone who is unwilling. Even the ones that want just sex tend to take pride in being able to please women, rather than traumatize them.

It's easy to know that logically, but when you have had it turned against you in a predatory manner, it's harder to FEEL safe/comfortable. I doubt the OP actually thinks every man that looks will attack, but ... knowing that won't stop you feeling anxiety if it's linked to trauma.

This is very true. Trauma-related anxiety is rarely something one can rationalise. Your brain and body react on a gut level before your rational mind has a chance to jump in. At least, in my personal experience, that's how it works. Others' accounts of anxiety and panic that I've heard have been similar.

Anyway, I can relate in some ways. I took the weight thing to the other end of the spectrum. Although a desire to avoid attention is only one part of the overall picture for me, anorexia (and then bulimia) became one method to deter male interest. (Female interest wouldn't bother me in the same way I'm pretty sure, because I don't have the same mental aversion, but that doesn't really happen to me in everyday life, so...) Anyway, although "thin" is often associated with desirability in our fucked-up society, you-look-like-you-have-terminal-cancer-skinny isn't. Although I'm close to a normal weight these days (but still very much struggling with my disorder), in my late teens and early 20s, I found that making myself look like I was a sickly ten-year-old and dressing in clothes five sizes too large pretty much killed off the possibility of guys looking at me that way. (There are many other factors behind my disorder, though; it's not just about that.)

So yeah, I understand what it's like to use weight as a deterrent. You're very right that it's not healthy -- nor remotely worth it to risk your wellbeing. I'm afraid I don't have much advice, otherwise I guess I would've solved my own issues by now... but I do know where you're coming from.

Edit: Yeah, element83 said it.

Yeah, same deal, different reaction. I don't lower my head as my mom was really strict about how I carried myself...which was "suck in your gut, hold your head up high and back straight, don't slouch, and change your shirt...you look like you were raised in a barn" at least once a day. I love my mom though, but she says what she thinks.

Follow the thread maybe someone will have a great idea

[Janus the Fox]

I was a fat person but before and after and I can't condone getting fat and unhealthy just to feel unattractive. Mostly, being fat don't stop the looking or staring at you, people would look at you in a different matter and that's a much worse feeling than being viewed as sexy.

I never had noticed any sexual attention of any kind, though it's likily according to a therapist, I'm unable to regonize subtle sexual attention and potentially considered vulnerable to inappropriate sexual situations. I'm often considered rather cute and youthful between men and women.

I don't take that as any kind of sexual attention or harassment. From what I've learned from learning materials, I only can consider obvious, full on suggestive sexual behaviour, commentary and inappropriate or unwanted invasion of personal space or touching as sexual attention, it's unfortunate some people can't see that even after learning it.

[TheCrystalQueen]

Aspiepoet I can relate to you. When I was younger I put on weight to keep away unwanted sexual attention after I'd been raped once and assaulted a couple of times. It worked too. I lost the weight several years later and was in a semi-sexual relationship with a friend for a few years but eventually we broke up and after another bad experience with a man refusing to leave me alone I ended up putting the weight back on. These days I'm old and grumpy enough that men don't tend to hassle me no matter what I weigh.