Trans Moments?

[ChillaKilla]

So I had my senior portraits today (if you are unfamiliar, it's required for all high school seniors to have photographs professionally taken for our yearbooks) and I had several trans moments :D :

After a lengthy skirmish with my parents, I was allowed to present masculine during the session.

I was able to wear a tuxedo instead of a dress for the formal portrait

During the cap and gown portrait, the attendants offered me a button down shirt and tie to go under the gown instead of a necklace like they do for the girls (guess I was passing well :) )

When I handed my ticket to the photographer during the cap and gown portrait, he read at it, looked at me somewhat confused and asked "You're (very feminine birthname)?" and I had to laugh a bit and confirm that yes, unfortunately, that's me.

For the last portrait, there were several props available for us to use (sunglasses, hats, jewelry etc) and I chose a mini chalkboard, and wrote "Assigned Fabulous At Birth" on it :lol: The photographer got a kick out of it too

Very successful overall! I also brought my cat and got some cute pictures with her I'll probably share them to the TransWhatevers thread when they come in.

[Golden Snidget]

(AFAB, not out), I had to run money into the gas station today, and the guy at the register said "Thanks, man." Cashier guy has no idea how much he made my day.

[butterflydreams]

I truly felt like "one of the girls" this morning at the cafe I go to. It was amazing.

[Heart]

Assigned Fabulous At Birht, I love it! I think I'll steal that one Chilla ^_^

[ChillaKilla]

If anyone is AMAB, you can use Assigned Marvelous/Magnificent At Birth as an alternative ^_^

[butterflydreams]

If anyone is AMAB, you can use Assigned Marvelous/Magnificent At Birth as an alternative ^_^

I was trying to think of what the AMAB equivalent would be, but I'm really tired tonight. Fortunately you delivered!

[dissolved]

[approximately 37 seconds on testosterone]

*repeatedly clears throat in attempt to make voice drop*

[butterflydreams]

For you, dissolved ^_^:

[butterflydreams]

I thought people here might find the following conversation funny. I was chatting last night with a very, very old friend of mine. Told him about my recent trip, and nervousness about using the women's bathroom.

Hadley: Well, I was just nervous, what if something bad happened?

Friend: Like what?

H: Like someone decides to clock me and give me shit in their personal vendetta against trans people.

F: How would they know?
H: Look at me! Can't you tell?
F: Only because I've known you for so long. Based on recent pictures, you look all woman to me. Besides, what are the bathrooms like? A bunch of toilets up against a wall with no dividers?

H: No, it's stalls.

F: Ok, so then other people won't even see you.

H: But what about when I was walking to the bathroom?

F: Are you walking to the bathroom naked?

H: ... touché

[Ace of Amethysts]

I definitely smiled, Hadley. ^_^

[dissolved]

Just went to get a new ID card for work and the guy looks at my old one, looks at my record, back at the card, record, card, record... goes, "have you changed your name?" Yes. Well done. Prints a new one and hands it over to me and I give him a funny look. I said, "really? The old photograph has an extra two feet of hair and it's quite clearly a girl, yet you've just printed a card with a male name on it." He looks mighty confused. Doesn't say anything for about 30 seconds, just looking back and forth between the card and my record again. Colleague comes over, "we usually offer new photographs as standard, sorry." Yeah, damn right you're sorry.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I thought people here might find the following conversation funny. I was chatting last night with a very, very old friend of mine. Told him about my recent trip, and nervousness about using the women's bathroom.

Hadley: Well, I was just nervous, what if something bad happened?

Friend: Like what?

H: Like someone decides to clock me and give me shit in their personal vendetta against trans people.

F: How would they know?

H: Look at me! Can't you tell?

F: Only because I've known you for so long. Based on recent pictures, you look all woman to me. Besides, what are the bathrooms like? A bunch of toilets up against a wall with no dividers?

H: No, it's stalls.

F: Ok, so then other people won't even see you.

H: But what about when I was walking to the bathroom?

F: Are you walking to the bathroom naked?

H: ... touché

The Ghost of Christmas Future sees this:

:::::five years from now, Hadley walks into a car dealership to look at a BMW:::::::

Saleman: May I help you ma'am?

Hadley: May I see one of the more sporty models?

Salesman: Honey, why don't you bring your husband along and we can talk about it over coffee.

"People see what they expect to see, dear", said The Ghost Of Christmas Future.

[butterflydreams]

The Ghost of Christmas Future see this:

:::::five years from now, Hadley walks into a car dealership to look at a BMW:::::::

Saleman: May I help you ma'am?

Hadley: May I see one of the more sporty models?

Salesman: Honey, why don't you bring your husband along and we can talk about it over coffee.

"People see what they expect to see, dear", said The Ghost Of Christmas Future.

I know this is like, kind of a lame scenario (a girl can't get her own BMW?) but in a way, just being seen so regularly...and expected that I'd have a husband...it feels really good to imagine. And to think it could be just 5 years away.

I'd like to think any husband of mine would be as amused by that kind of sales pitch as I would be. And that we'd laugh about it together. *sigh*...dreams -_-

(If we're talking German though, I'm a Porsche girl all the way :P)

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I know this is like, kind of a lame scenario (a girl can't get her own BMW?) but in a way, just being seen so regularly...and expected that I'd have a husband...it feels really good to imagine. And to think it could be just 5 years away.

I'd like to think any husband of mine would be as amused by that kind of sales pitch as I would be. And that we'd laugh about it together. *sigh*...dreams -_-

(If we're talking German though, I'm a Porsche girl all the way :P)

I still get razzed about my 'soccer Mom' SUV-- engineers are supposed to drive pickup trucks or sports cars, I guess.

Sometimes I just recall with such clarity all the faces of people from 20 years ago who transitioned. Dunno if it's me being the Ghost of Christmas Whatever or my personal trans version of The Thousand Yard Stare, but I've seen sooo many things- people who transitioned in their 50s, people who transitioned in their 20s, all with the same thing in common-- they sometimes didn't think they could get where they needed to be.

But they did. A lot of them lived happily ever after.

It just took a couple of years to go down the Yellow Brick Road. A lot of people who transitioned in the 80s said it took at least 5 years, that the pubic's perception of them was like boiling a frog-- if you did it slow, and they never noticed, or, more importantly, didn't realize they started to forget the past if they knew you before.

I do think I know this- when you've crossed the gender line, you begin to see things you never thought you would, and to have empathy for those who suffer from the slings and arrows of sexism. And how it feels to be hit on and pursued like you're being hunted.

[butterflydreams]

Sometimes I just recall with such clarity all the faces of people from 20 years ago who transitioned. Dunno if it's me being the Ghost of Christmas Whatever or my personal trans version of The Thousand Yard Stare, but I've seen sooo many things- people who transitioned in their 50s, people who transitioned in their 20s, all with the same thing in common-- they sometimes didn't think they could get where they needed to be.

But they did. A lot of them lived happily ever after.

I think that's kind of a "trans moment" in itself...though maybe not the one many of us would like to hear. I wonder, almost daily, "am I going to make it?" On the one hand, there's a profound wish for it to all be over. Like it's a hindrance to living my "real life". On the other hand though, it's a wholly unique experience. Shouldn't I relish it? When you're in it, everything feels so impossible. My friend from that little conversation snippet? I trust him more than anyone else in the world. If he thought I looked like a guy in a dress, he'd tell me without hesitation. What he says to me? I don't question it. But with this, I do. Something inside screams, "you won't make it, you don't deserve to! This is all impossible!" That's a less than pleasant trans moment for you all.

I do think I know this- when you've crossed the gender line, you begin to see things you never thought you would, and to have empathy for those who suffer from the slings and arrows of sexism. And how it feels to be hit on and pursued like you're being hunted.

So far the only thing I've seen is people interacting with me differently. Not positive, or negative, just different. It feels mildly positive, because those interactions affirm my femininity. And it's amusing, because so much of it happens all under the table. As much as I'd like it, I genuinely don't believe I'll ever be hit on...in any way, so I'll have to take that stuff on faith.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

Sometimes I just recall with such clarity all the faces of people from 20 years ago who transitioned. Dunno if it's me being the Ghost of Christmas Whatever or my personal trans version of The Thousand Yard Stare, but I've seen sooo many things- people who transitioned in their 50s, people who transitioned in their 20s, all with the same thing in common-- they sometimes didn't think they could get where they needed to be.

But they did. A lot of them lived happily ever after.

I think that's kind of a "trans moment" in itself...though maybe not the one many of us would like to hear. I wonder, almost daily, "am I going to make it?" On the one hand, there's a profound wish for it to all be over. Like it's a hindrance to living my "real life". On the other hand though, it's a wholly unique experience. Shouldn't I relish it? When you're in it, everything feels so impossible. My friend from that little conversation snippet? I trust him more than anyone else in the world. If he thought I looked like a guy in a dress, he'd tell me without hesitation. What he says to me? I don't question it. But with this, I do. Something inside screams, "you won't make it, you don't deserve to! This is all impossible!" That's a less than pleasant trans moment for you all.

I know there's always the possibility that I'm deluding myself, but sooo many cispeople have gave me the same kind of confirmation even though I'm never going to 'make it' sans HRT. I sometimes feel like I've been a courtesan in a previous life. I feel like I've 'been to the mountain'. I've had cis guys 'checking me out', I had men who were sweet on transwomen know my status and still look and talk to me in that special way men talk to women.

The most unpleasant part is knowing that I'm never going to 'make it', never being free of the dysphoria. I know I should stop talking about it, but it's like a cloud that hangs over me, and for every time I bleed about it here, I've bled a thousand times a thousand more times in my mind.

I guess there's something to be said for facing one's fate with composure. But composure is a very slippery mask.

I guess why that's why I'm glad when someone *does* 'make it', and I've seen sooo many people transcend their doubts to do so. I just honestly think in time you'll be content and make it past your wildest dreams-- it will just take time.

I do think I know this- when you've crossed the gender line, you begin to see things you never thought you would, and to have empathy for those who suffer from the slings and arrows of sexism. And how it feels to be hit on and pursued like you're being hunted.

So far the only thing I've seen is people interacting with me differently. Not positive, or negative, just different. It feels mildly positive, because those interactions affirm my femininity. And it's amusing, because so much of it happens all under the table. As much as I'd like it, I genuinely don't believe I'll ever be hit on...in any way, so I'll have to take that stuff on faith.

I think it might be semantically clumsy, but for me, it felt like suddenly having a feminine silhouette that drew men's attention, breaking out of shell and into a sort of elegance, along with being a good conversational companion because I was able to mentally lose the AMAB cis facade totally and have no guilt about having done so. Hard to explain, but it's why I mentioned the part of above about cortesans. Some ghost that is/was me still remains, like I'm aboard a gender Flying Dutchman.

Or maybe I'm just crazy......

[Chardog]

So I had my senior portraits today (if you are unfamiliar, it's required for all high school seniors to have photographs professionally taken for our yearbooks) and I had several trans moments :D :

After a lengthy skirmish with my parents, I was allowed to present masculine during the session.

I was able to wear a tuxedo instead of a dress for the formal portrait

During the cap and gown portrait, the attendants offered me a button down shirt and tie to go under the gown instead of a necklace like they do for the girls (guess I was passing well :) )

When I handed my ticket to the photographer during the cap and gown portrait, he read at it, looked at me somewhat confused and asked "You're (very feminine birthname)?" and I had to laugh a bit and confirm that yes, unfortunately, that's me.

For the last portrait, there were several props available for us to use (sunglasses, hats, jewelry etc) and I chose a mini chalkboard, and wrote "Assigned Fabulous At Birth" on it :lol: The photographer got a kick out of it too

Very successful overall! I also brought my cat and got some cute pictures with her I'll probably share them to the TransWhatevers thread when they come in.

Ah, senior pictures... Another place where I displayed my gender duality on my non yearbook poses. I had two outfits indoor and two outfits outdoor. One of each was a skirt/dress outfit and the other outfit was "boy clothes". Despite not knowing what I was (for another 15 years ), I did that very much intentionally.

[Ace of Amethysts]

*applauds Chardog*

[Heart]

I thought people here might find the following conversation funny. I was chatting last night with a very, very old friend of mine. Told him about my recent trip, and nervousness about using the women's bathroom.

Hadley: Well, I was just nervous, what if something bad happened?

Friend: Like what?

H: Like someone decides to clock me and give me shit in their personal vendetta against trans people.

F: How would they know?

H: Look at me! Can't you tell?

F: Only because I've known you for so long. Based on recent pictures, you look all woman to me. Besides, what are the bathrooms like? A bunch of toilets up against a wall with no dividers?

H: No, it's stalls.

F: Ok, so then other people won't even see you.

H: But what about when I was walking to the bathroom?

F: Are you walking to the bathroom naked?

H: ... touché

I have a friend like this too. Blunt, to the point, and not afraid to use shock value to get a point across. I value them too ;)

[Emery.]

Blunt? Sounds like me :P I could have said what Hadley's friend said, haha.

[Mezzo Forte]

So, I met with a student for office hours today to help her with snare drum, and after everything started clicking for her, we started chatting a little bit. I mentioned what my first semester of undergrad looked like (max credits you could take, mostly courses for a biology degree, all while learning snare/timpani from the ground up and prepping for music major auditions).

Student: "Wow, I'm taking [minimum] credits and I'm having a tough enough time. Just transitioning into college is tough enough."

Me: "Yeah, I know all too well how tough transitioning can be. You made a sound decision starting with a lighter semester."

(I'm still mostly closeted, which is extra fun because the effects of transition are pretty visible since I'm ~4 months on T. Funny how "transition" sits on the ears so differently nowadays. Even if the student caught my wordplay, I doubt she would have said anything :lol:)

[Heart]

Private puns are the best :D

[butterflydreams]

I don't know if this is a "trans moment" or just unpleasant, but it shook me up in the early hours of this morning.

I've been trying to work up the courage to go swimming at a lake near me but haven't yet. I had a dream I was there walking around and some dude came up to me, called me some kind of slur, then said something about my boobs "not even being real" before grabbing them roughly. It hurt (because they do hurt) and then he just left and no one cared.

So that was a nice way to wake up this morning :(

[Finn.]

that sucks! *hug*

that reminds me. I had several dreams now in which I am nonbinary! I mean, I usually don't have a gender in dreams anyways, but there was a distinct nonbinary feel to it. In one dream I was a demiboy. And in another one (that was very trahsy tv show like), I was amab, or at least I looked like it. Fascinating stuff.

[ChillaKilla]

I have several dreams where I "am" guys from certain fandoms I'm in (music, games, etc), and it doesn't feel strange at all. Most of my dreams, however, I don't really have a conscious sense of self. I'm just 'there'. Nobody really says my name, uses pronouns, and I don't even look at my body (beyond arms and whatever is immediately in my line of sight). I just sort of... Exist.

Though if I had to hazard a guess at how I appear in dreams at any given moment, I'd probably have no hips and be flat chested, and more of an angular face. It's a very androgynous look, and I rather like it. Even if my hair is still long, everything else is neutral enough that I can pull it off. My hair isn't even a gendered style- middle part and down, kind of messy but not stylishly so, as if I hadn't brushed for a day.

[Emery.]

Oh God, awful dream, Hadley.

[Mezzo Forte]

More of a pleasant moment, but I sent a snapchat to my sis (because the way I was wearing my sunglasses on my head unintentionally made me look like I have a unicorn horn), and her response?

"DUDE COULDNT EVEN FOCUS CAUSE YOU LOOK SO DUDE-LY"

[Dodecahedron314]

My friend just listened to episode 16 of Welcome To Night Vale yesterday, which is the first episode where my favorite character (by which I mean the character I basically am IRL), Carlos the Scientist, is introduced--and when she first heard his voice, she said it reminded her of mine! ^.^ I haven't even been doing any voice training or T or anything, but it's really nice to know that my voice is somehow naturally androgynous/masculine enough to be somewhat reminiscent of Dylan Marron's. (Though that might be due more to both of us having what I call the "stereotypical nerd accent" than my voice being slightly masculine, but shhh, I can dream :P)

[butterflydreams]

Another pass?

I had to go to a different coffee shop this morning because my normal one is getting their floors redone. They don't know me at this other place. So I walk in, ooo, I'm gonna order the hot cider!

I give them my name, but as usual, I'm kind of mumbling :(

Normally when people mishear my name, they switch to something similar sounding but male. "Bradley" is a popular one.

Not this time though. She misheard and confirming she said, "Allie?"

I'm calling this a pass.

[Emery.]

I'll add mine. A taxi driver didn't adress me with any gendered words for the whole drive and it surprised me that he used some very strange form to talk to me ('we'). Apparently I look too old for being a you and not gendered enough for a madam or a sir. And I would say I looked clearly feminine that day -_- I even had makeup and a purse. I was weaeing skinny jeans, sneakers and a tshirt though. It must have been my voice and avoiding gendered first person forms of words.