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Trans Moments?


nerdperson777

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Dodecahedron314
21 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

So remember all those times I claimed that I was "barely even a tenor?" Apparently, I'm a classically-trained musician that can't determine pitch octave.

 

Turns out I've been a baritone pretty much since the voice drop in September. All this time, my brain kept screaming that my voice is too androgynous, yet I'm at the exact range my brain kept telling me that I needed to be at to not sound androgynous. And my voice still sounds androgynous to me despite now knowing all this. The fuck, brain?

 

Just a friendly PSA that self-perception is hella skewed against you when you transition. 

To be fair, bone conduction also seriously messes with your perception of your voice as well. That's why it's always so bizarre to hear your own voice recorded and played back to you--there's none of the weird resonance that gets set up by your ears and your vocal chords/mouth/general speaking-y bits both being situated inside the same rigid skull, and so it's pretty much impossible to tell what your voice actually sounds like just by listening to yourself speak without your voice being externally bounced back to you in some way. Of course, as a Real Musician, it's entirely possible that you know some magical singer-y way to get around this and this was all indeed your brain messing with you, but as a...Complex Musician (i.e. not entirely real :P), I don't. (That's probably for the better, because hearing my voice like other people hear it is not exactly an experience I enjoy.)

 

 

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@Dodecahedron314, I'm definitely aware of how the body's resonance affects self-perception of the voice, and that actually shaped how I perceived my voice, because that resonance tends to make your voice sound warmer and lower to you. Combined with hearing recordings of my own voice, that knowledge gave me the impression that my voice was higher than I perceived it, and I've been perceiving it as kinda high. I think I got so caught up in the voice range that when I started assuming that my voice was in an androgynous range, I became hyperaware my feminine inflections. 

 

I guess that explains why people look at me like I'm crazy when I say I think my voice sounds too androgynous. (I also get funny looks when I describe my voice as effeminate, but I assure you that it can get pretty feminine in casual conversation.) 

 

Actually, if you want a fun fact, there's a technique called 'crooning' that involves singing so close to the microphone that it picks up the lowest overtones of the voice that are lost so easily with distance. I tried it with my nice microphone around thanksgiving and it made my voice sound so low that I didn't recognize it. (Funny how I swing between "it's dropping so fast that I don't recognize myself" and "it's not low enough, and I'm scared it's done dropping" so quickly.) :P 

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butterflydreams

Well now. That was interesting. Buckle up for this one...

 

I'm sitting at the coffee shop I always go to. Super small town, everything. I don't really know anybody in town. I remember a few people who come in here.

 

It's quiet here today. Only a few people. I'm sitting drinking my coffee. There's this woman getting some special drink. I don't recognize her at all. Never seen her before. I'm not really paying attention. Mid-late 30s in age I'd guess, so a bit older than me. She starts to head out and kind of turns back and comes over to me. "Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself, I'm ____." I shake her hand, "Hi, I'm Hadley." And then that was it, she left.

 

I'm like, "ok, wtf was that?"

 

The cafe empties out, I go up and ask the owner who this woman was. I said that she just randomly came up and introduced herself to me. The owner says, "Oh, that's so-and-so...pretty sure she transitioned years ago. I saw her go up to you. What did she say?" Nothing, she just introduced herself to me.

 

:blink:

 

On the one hand...holy shit! On the other hand, ugh, apparently not passing well enough. Though to be fair, she was cool about it.  Came up, didn't out me, introduced herself and left. I've seen it said that trans people should have some kind of secret handshake, or eye wink. Since it's totally inappropriate to go up to some stranger, "Hi, other member of tiny and much maligned minority!!"

 

Hopefully she recognized what I am because she's an "elder" so to speak. Please, please tell me that's why. I don't want to start freaking out again that I'm not passing.

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Calligraphette_Coe
7 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

 

Hopefully she recognized what I am because she's an "elder" so to speak. Please, please tell me that's why. I don't want to start freaking out again that I'm not passing.

You know that one from philosophy, that the simplest explanation is probably the right one?  I suspect that's it, she was doing the scene with the Na'vi from Avatar: "I see you." She was breaking the ice-- no secret handshake needed. Just two women meeting each other socially, actually.

 

You will be her in a couple of years. Look at it from that perspective.

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butterflydreams
1 hour ago, Calligraphette_Coe said:

Just two women meeting each other socially, actually.

No, I know. I definitely got that sense too.

 

1 hour ago, Calligraphette_Coe said:

You will be her in a couple of years. Look at it from that perspective.

This is true, I hadn't even thought of this. Thanks. I will try to keep this in mind. Very comforting actually.

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Coe's hit the nail on the head; I couldn't've said it better myself. Sometimes, you just recognize people who have been through something you've been through. I can sometimes have a strong feeling that someone has contemplated suicide before, because I know what that feels like; I've reached out sometimes, in private and when appropriate, and it turned out I was right more often than not. Being able to offer to support them if they ever find themselves in that place again is reward in and of itself. I'm sure she was doing something of the same thing.

 

It doesn't mean you're not passing. It means you're a complex human being who saw another complex human being who happened to recognize a bit of themselves in you ;)

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We need a secret trans-shake so badly. Like a gang sign. Can anyone make the ⚧ sign with their hands?

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The moment you wonder if they are going to bother you in the toilet...

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3 hours ago, Emery. said:

The moment you wonder if they are going to bother you in the toilet...

I avoid public restrooms, especially when dressed in a masculine fashion...

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butterflydreams
3 hours ago, ChillaKilla said:

We need a secret trans-shake so badly. Like a gang sign. Can anyone make the ⚧ sign with their hands?

 

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Note to self: "ma'am" and "my man" can sound really similar.

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nerdperson777

@Hadley167 I've had this weird tendency to find odd physical features in people lately in hopes that they're trans, in person or in pictures.  There was this guy I was a TA for who I thought had feminine eyes and I would even say that his hips were a bit wider than his shoulders.  I just thought that he couldn't have been since he just assumed I was a cis girl and never mentioned pronouns.  Then online pictures, I would find some masculine/feminine features in perceived female/male people.  So that might've been some random trans radar going off.

 

On 12/30/2016 at 2:11 PM, Calligraphette_Coe said:

You will be her in a couple of years. Look at it from that perspective.

I met a woman that was like an older version of my friend by about 10 years.  This woman had her own martial arts studio and seemed really close to some of her students.  I met her because she was holding a POC Self-Defense Workshop.  I may have arrived an hour late because I had class but I didn't feel like I missed a thing.  I really saw my friend in her.  A trans woman who's really enthusiastic about martial arts to the point of making a living teaching it, competed a bit, and my friend was about to test for basically the "master" rank in our studio at the time.  This woman already had her own place.  I saw a successful woman that had her past behind her and was living.  Maybe someday my friend would get there.  But lately she's withdrawn from me and seems to be going farther into depression.

 

6 hours ago, ChillaKilla said:

We need a secret trans-shake so badly. Like a gang sign. Can anyone make the ⚧ sign with their hands?

I just thought maybe the Spock "Live Long and Prosper" hand thing would be an ace-shake.

 

In my club at school, we had two guys named Chris.  They went up to each other and tried to do something with their hands.  At least one Chris was a punny guy so I went up to them and asked if they were doing the Chris-bump.

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TheyCallMeMiles

One of my early trans moments, I didn't even know I was trans back then. 

 I was working a student job at a retirement home. I had a white overly large uniform and barely any chest so the patients all called me sir. I never corrected them and strangely liked it. :) If one of my colleagues saw this however they corrected them...

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nerdperson777

I should be sleeping but I remembered one.  There are two friends from high school (both girls) who I wasn't out to who I was hanging out with.  We went to the house of one of them and played a dancing game on console.  Since it's odd playing with three people, sometimes the song to dance to is for two people and the third just does the same as one of the other two.  So randomly there was a proposing action.  One friend said, "I'm not doing that."  I didn't hesitate after that and dropped on my knee, probably hurt it ramming it into the floor.

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In the break room at work, couple coworkers lounging at the tables (one I'm out to, she's cis girl and the other is a cis guy, they're both only a bit older than me) and I'm *supposed* to be cleaning bathrooms but there store is practically empty so nobody is doing their job, and coworker #2 just puts his hand on the table and is like "Okay I gotta ask: are you a guy or a girl? Like who are you into? Guys, girls? Both? And are you a guy or a girl or both?" I find this question apropos of nothing very amusing, and let him know I'm both and I like both. He's still confused and asks how that works. I tell him I'm not quite sure either and all I know is what I feel and what I know I'm not. He says "what if it's a phase?" I just reply that if it is, then it is, and I shouldn't be miserable in the short term for a possibility in the long term. Coworker #1 laughs and says "Ooh, real deep there Karate Kid" (seriously that's what they call me there :lol:) and we continue to talk about random crap. After a bit, Coworker 1 admits that when she saw me come in for my interview a few months ago she couldn't tell if I was a guy or girl. I laugh and say something like "my plan is working". Conversation continues for a bit, and I realize I should probably do what I'm being paid for, and ask coworker 2 to not spread around what I've told him since I know there's some hostility in the workplace. He's like "oh ofc not don't worry about it" and I keep doing my (nasty) job. All in all, I'm very satisfied with that little occurrence :lol: 

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The-world-is-quiet-here

I was emailing a friend about how tumblr wants me to follow both sapphic blogs and transmasculine blogs, and I ended my email with ~genderfluids away~ ^_^

 

also, today it's been a year since I started questioning my gender. I had expected it to feel more like an event than it actually does. I watched my favorite gender poem today, but I haven't done anything else. Maybe I will later. It feels like when I look for my gender, I can't figure out what it is. Idk.

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nerdperson777

@ChillaKillaReminds me of something a few weeks back. I was watching an episode of a show on my computer. I watch it on YouTube in its native French and then it has English subs. Then some of the later episodes were only dubbed in some other language, I think possibly Hungarian and people thought it sounded weird. People were miffed about that. Then there's the French with no sub. So I said in the comments that I played both videos, audio from the French and subs in the other. Someone said that I was a lifesaver, "you boy, girl, or whatever". I wrote back "I'll take whatever, thanks".

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When all the ftm tips about bathroom etiquette makes you nervous every time you need to pee, yet professors engage you in casual conversation while you're in there. :blink: (Guess it's not that different from the women's room in that regard.)

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Friend: Why exactly do you dress like a f*ckboy? (I'm known for jeans, t-shirts layered with long sleeves, snapbacks, and fancy sneakers)

Me: Obviously because I'm compensating for something 

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nerdperson777
2 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

When all the ftm tips about bathroom etiquette makes you nervous every time you need to pee, yet professors engage you in casual conversation while you're in there. :blink: (Guess it's not that different from the women's room in that regard.)

And I thought I didn't like women's bathrooms because they end up chatting in there.  Reminds me of something I might've written a post about.  Some relative has two boys and when entertained with video games, they just kept screaming in high pitch.  I heard someone say, "this is why I don't want boys".  I felt that they were really generalizing boys and I thought someone said it's girls that do that screaming.

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nerdperson777
On 1/6/2017 at 3:23 AM, nerdperson777 said:

I should be sleeping but I remembered one.  There are two friends from high school (both girls) who I wasn't out to who I was hanging out with.  We went to the house of one of them and played a dancing game on console.  Since it's odd playing with three people, sometimes the song to dance to is for two people and the third just does the same as one of the other two.  So randomly there was a proposing action.  One friend said, "I'm not doing that."  I didn't hesitate after that and dropped on my knee, probably hurt it ramming it into the floor.

Also I forgot, part 2.  I was uncomfortable because the one I proposed to, kept asking me if I had a special someone.  At the time I thought, well the person I like emotionally and sensually is in her 30s and I can't tell them that.  She also asked what was going on since I hadn't seen her in several years.  I said nothing was happening and she kept trying to pry.  Also I was uncomfortable because she kept calling us girls and ladies.

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The-world-is-quiet-here

Today when we walked by the aisle of menstrual pads and tampons, my mom asked, "do you need anything from this aisle?" It was really nice that she didn't call them ~feminine hygiene products~.

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So our Chinese teacher gave us homework to make a list of things we like so she can give us a Chinese name (since English names are difficult for her), and I have an addendum on my list that says "I would like something that can be used for a boy or a girl". Here's hoping it goes well tomorrow!

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nerdperson777
6 hours ago, ChillaKilla said:

So our Chinese teacher gave us homework to make a list of things we like so she can give us a Chinese name (since English names are difficult for her), and I have an addendum on my list that says "I would like something that can be used for a boy or a girl". Here's hoping it goes well tomorrow!

I would say anything that isn't about being pretty or handsome.  My name is quick thinker, which is more merit based.  I had a classmate called Noble, and his Chinese name ended up just being a translation of the word, which I thought would sound overconfident, but I guess that's how it would be.

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Bah, she wasn't there yesterday. Well, take 2 today! I'll keep y'all posted. 

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nerdperson777

I think this is more of a trans problem.  At the beginning of the school year, there's moving into housing and then organization events to attract new students.  My mom helped me move in.  But it just happened that I had two events to attend to on the two days that she was there, martial arts club and ace group.  There was an event hosted by the school's LGBTRC, I think, and it was having many tables in a ballroom and having different queer organizations take over these tables, then new students come and visit.  I was out to my mom but she never genders me correctly or call me the right name.  I had her go somewhere else nearby for an hour, since the school's too big for her to wander around.  So close to when the hour was over, I stopped by the people I lived with over the summer, one who started a queer organization for international students, but open to all who are interested.  I talked to one of them, and was joking around about how I sent my mom away so that she wouldn't misgender me.  Then mom shows up.  She just goes "hi, I'm her mom."  Dammit, I couldn't avoid it.  If she could've just said, "hi, ready to go?" that would've been so much better.

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The other evening I was in Starbucks, wearing my binder and my hair in a beanie per usual. One of the workers is obviously new, and she's being trained by another, but I need some time to decide so I really don't mind waiting a bit. Another worker sweeping the floor notices me waiting and calls over "[New girl], help him please?" Cue momentary confusion as I look around, and happiness as I realize she is talking about me as. I'm the only one in line. Never gets old!

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The-world-is-quiet-here

My mom has been using they pronouns for me lately, and it's nice, kind of. But I also feel kind of... bad that I'm asking people to change their language for me. I don't know. I'm glad she's doing that, but I'm also sort of guilty about it. I feel surprised, I guess. Does anyone else feel like that?

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Dress like a guy. Swagger. Hope to pass and not to be recognised by that stalker-in-love dude. Pretend you don't recognise him when you see him.

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