Sex-Repulsed Sexual or Asexual?

[gracksies]

I find LOTS of people attractive... Men and women. I find more women attractive but when I find an attractive man I find him more attractive than the women. Basically, I'm more attracted to men but the pickings are much slimmer. Having said that, while I can find a man aesthetically pleasing, my interest never extends further than appreciation. I have no desire to hug, let alone have sex, with someone I find attractive.

I used to think I was gay because I found plenty of women to be pretty, but the same lack of desire made it clear it wasn't so. Furthermore, my experiences with men in day to day life is, I believe, what has made me so averse to sex. I find bi and hetero-sexual men to be dismissive, condescending, and controlling towards women and a lot of them unknowingly so. I've met an asexual man before and none of these qualities applied to him and likewise these qualities don't apply to any of the homosexual men I've met either. It's this distrust of men that primarily fueled my belief that I was gay as I have no problems trusting fellow women. Perhaps in that way I'm allosexual... Finding men attractive but only being capable of a romantic relationship with a woman? I don't know.

I would however like to make it clear that I don't hate men (I don't avoid or ignore men or anything like that). Most of my friends are men but admittedly none of my closest friends are. In small doses I can be friends with a guy, but if I begin to spend too much time with them the qualities listed above become more and more apparent in their treatment of me (and it usually coincides with them starting to like me romantically and becoming more and more possessive). One of my primary issues with sex is that from a female perspective I find it to be the ultimate act of submission and my pride and self worth will not allow me to submit to a man. I know that if I happened to be male I wouldn't have the same issues with sex but as a woman I cannot abide by giving myself in that way to a man (and I have no desire to do so with a woman). I have met a lot of different men and yet without fail they inevitably end up belittling and trying to control me in some fashion. In other words, I think I might/could be sexually attracted to men but their treatment of me has created a mental block.

Would love to hear your thoughts and sorry for writing so much (it's convoluted I know).

[CrowWakes]

Well maybe you just like more aesthetic of people But, it could be you just havent met a guy that matches your standards

I couldnt personally help as I have not had such an issue of submission as I am naturally very submissive so I cant help you with that part, but you may find it easier to find a sumbissive man so that you didnt have to submit

[SithLord]

Well it's really hard to tell if you're sexually attracted to anyone from your post, and that's what really matters with identifying as ace.

But I find myself agreeing with you. I've had a lot of doubt concerning if I think I'm ace because I'm repulsed/averse or if I'm actually asexual. I have come to the conclusion that I am ace, but it's something only I could decide on.

I think the only way you'll get an answer is if you look inwards.

[Schrecken]

I can sort of see where you are coming from given that I have had similar issues with only running into the wrong kind of men in my lifetime. In my case the negative qualities were a bit different but for me it did seem that any guy with whom I might have had a romantic relationship was always a loser in some way (and then there were a couple of incidences of sexual harassment and attempted rape, so my view of men has never been good). Like you I also struggled with my apparent orientation - I would have crushes on men but never wanted to have sex with them (but I did want to do romantic and even kinky things) and I'd have squishes on women but never want to have anything more than a friendly relationship with them (no sex or romance).

You really don't sound sex-repulsed in the typical way, since you don't mention wanting to avoid it because it is "dirty, disgusting, gross, animalistic" or something similar. Your apparent repulsion seems to be much more psychological and possibly encompassing of the whole entire male-female sexual dynamic rather than just the physicality of the act of intercourse. As for the submission, I really can't help you with that either since I am into BDSM and there I am submissive, and for me, sexual stuff is enhanced by me wanting to be submissive. Of course, there are ways in which women can be sexually dominant over willing men (certain positions and sexual acts), and you don't have to be into BDSM to do that, but you would need a man who at least likes to be the follower rather than the leader in bed.

But like me, it sounds like you've met all the wrong men in your life. I used to believe there were no decent ones out there, that is, until I met my current boyfriend. As for how you might go about trying to find ones that aren't like the ones you've always run into (trust me, they are out there, regardless of how few there might be - I found mine in a most unexpected place when I wasn't even looking), I really can't say for sure. I'd suggest to stop looking for a while, and look rather for people who you share a common interest with. And maybe quit looking in the places where you keep finding the suckey ones. I spent all of my adult life picking the wrong ones, making the same mistakes over and over with the same crappy results. I never thought I could have a romantic relationship with a man because I never thought I'd find one that was suitable for me. But one day it did happen, much to my surprise.

[gracksies]

I've never had much of a desire to kiss or much else ever since I can remember and in more recent years I have considered kissing and sex to be gross and debasing. When I was younger I was indifferent but now that I've reached an age where it's highly unusual for me to not be seeking out a relationship and all that comes with it I've been analysing myself and my reasons for that more. I don't want a relationship at all. In fact I quite enjoy spending long periods of time by myself and only really enjoy the company of other people for conversation and nothing else. I guess I consider myself an aromantic asexual with a repulsion towards sex. The reason I'm questioning this though is because of my sexual inexperience given that I've had a lot of friends tell me that they weren't particularly fond of sex for a long time even after starting to have sex regularly... For some it took as much as a 2+ years to start enjoying it! Basically, I wonder if I would begin to like sex as my friends did if I were comfortable enough to try but then my repulsion and general distrust of men makes me not want to give that a go (it makes me incredibly uncomfortable contemplating having sex even if it were to be with the most attractive man ever). I also wonder if my repulsion is entirely influenced by my feelings towards men and not the act itself. Loved the responses so far... Definitely given me food for thought which is what I wanted more than anything.

[Tessc]

Like the others have said, only you can decide for certain, but the way you phrase things makes it seem like you could be an aromantic ace. I haven't had anymore experience with sex than you have, but I know for certain that I really don't want it. I find certain people aesthetically pleasing, but all I have ever done is look at them. As soon as I get to know them, I lose interest in them.

That being said, you mentioned not liking the idea of submitting when having sex. Have you considered finding a submissive man, because there are a lot out there. I'm not even saying full-on BDSM, but just a man who would prefer for you to take the reigns in the bedroom, so to speak :)

[Star Bit]

Your friends just sound demisexual; sexual attraction after acertain bond. They seem to have been putting up with sex before the sexual attraction arose. Even if you end up being demisexual, it would still most likely continue to leave you aromantic.