Looking for the right set of questions... I'd like to have a deeper conversation...

[Glad-I-Found-This-Site]

I've posted a few times here recently, and I have to say that the responses, as well as other threads that I have read, have been very helpful.

My wife has basically told me that she is asexual, without using the term. I wasn't even aware of the term when we last had a talk. She has basically said she doesn't really think about sex, doesn't need it, doesn't have orgasms, doesn't desire to have them, doesn't masturbate nor want to. That's where we are at.

Now that I've been on this site and have some more knowledge, I'd like to broach the subject again so I can learn more about her. What I need, though, is a master list of questions. I'd love to come away with enough responses that I could share them here and get people's assessment of what "category" (for lack of a better word) she is. I feel this would best help me understand her and be a better husband.

I know some are probably thinking that I should invite her to peruse this site. She wouldn't do it. She doesn't see sex as important, so much so that she wouldn't even care to research it or understand it. While she has been amused when she has found other women who are blah about sex (even mentioned one tonight), she isn't looking for online interaction or "community". It just isn't that important to her.

But it is for me. I think about sex all the time. I feel an intense need to understand where she is coming from. And while we have talked, my questions in the past haven't been well thought out. Sometimes they have come from an angry or frustrated place. This time, I'd like to talk to her in an everyday, calm manner. I think that would work with her.

Is there a resource of questions? Any type of questionnaire designed to help someone understand their sexuality?

Thank you!

[Star Bit]

Hmm, questions to understand her sexuality/relationship interests and disinterests...

Well, for her asexuality, its easy to understand with the comparison of homosexual ppl not having attraction to the opposite sex, and heterosexual ppl not having attraction to the same sex, and asexual having no sexual attraction toward any of them. Her non-lebitoisem is actually due to her not finding anything sexually arousing. How to understand it? I suppose knowing it/attraction/arousal isn't a choice; its just a bodily responce or unresponce. Maybe ask her what sensual things; cuddling, kissing, etc, she likes and dislikes. Some asexuals may dislike things they view may lead to sex. I'm not sure if what I'm about to list should be asked because some ppl dont experience all of these attractions in their romantic attraction and you could be disapointed or become upset if she's missing any. But you want to understand her, so perhaps? At least ponder how you'd feel if she didn't have one/some of these. There are other attractions commonly linked to romantic attraction; sensual, aesthetic (appearance or mannerisms), emotional (being fixated on someone because of their emotions), and platonic (wanting to know them). I'd hate this to cause a fight. Should i have not listed this?? Mightn't i remind you that if she lacks any of these, it doesn't mean she loves you any less.

[Moon Ace]

I would say that often one question is enough... the rest is listening, really listening with an open mind, to what her experience is and asking additional questions based on what she says... Experiences and sexuality are highly individual and it would be difficult IMO to come up with a list that fits, I feel.

A good starter question could be one where you explain you feel different and would like to understand her feelings more, asking about her reality, wanting to walk in her shoes. Maybe reading a lot of posts on here can help you get a pre chat feel for where she could be coming from...but the important thing IMO is to keep an open mind and to put your own assumptions and realities to one side for the duration, as far as possible, and to really listen and wanting to understand.

[Jubal]

I would say that often one question is enough... the rest is listening, really listening with an open mind, to what her experience is and asking additional questions based on what she says... Experiences and sexuality are highly individual and it would be difficult IMO to come up with a list that fits, I feel.

A good starter question could be one where you explain you feel different and would like to understand her feelings more, asking about her reality, wanting to walk in her shoes. Maybe reading a lot of posts on here can help you get a pre chat feel for where she could be coming from...but the important thing IMO is to keep an open mind and to put your own assumptions and realities to one side for the duration, as far as possible, and to really listen and wanting to understand.

This, very much so. A "Master List" of question regardless of intentions could come off as an interrogation, and there's a good chance your wife is still trying to figure things out herself. "Asexual" as an identity, I'm learning, is huge and varied.

[deltaX]

I also agree with what Acing-it has said. Every asexual's experience is different and any set of questions we could come up with might not fit what your wife is going through. I would just tell her that you want to understand what she is going through, and then genuinely listen to her response with an open mind. If she doesn't give an answer that completely satisfies you, you can ask questions or ask for clarifications on something, but let the questions flow naturally rather than coming in to in with a pre-determined list.

Anyway, I wish you luck talking to your wife! I don't know your wife's romantic orientation from what you've said here, but remember that asexuality doesn't necessarily mean she lives you any less!

[butterflydreams]

Acing-it really nailed it. Everyone's experience of asexuality (or any orientation) is unique to some extent. I know I personally would be tickled into near unconsciousness if a partner just wanted to listen to how I felt about it, and how I experienced it. The only thing that would scare me, and in fact lead me to seriously close up would be if they made assumptions without asking. I just feel that takes away my ability to be who I am in a way, but it also would be a big loss of trust.

So I guess ask if she'd like to talk about it...and then just listen. She might not have much to say, and that's ok too. If she knows you're willing to listen, she might start to think more about these things herself.

[Glad-I-Found-This-Site]

I think sitting back and listening would work if talking was something that came naturally to her. While she will answer a question if I ask her, sex isn't something she thinks about, nor is it something she really talks about unless I broach the topic. I think it is hard for some of you to answer my request because exploring and talking about your sexuality is something that currently interests you, or else you wouldn't be on this site.

I hear people talk about how different their sexuality is here. Many label themselves (such as aromantic). I'm just trying to open that door a bit so that I can better understand her. For example, some questions that I would consider include...

1. Do you ever daydream about sex?

2. I know that you don't desire sex, but when we are doing it, are you repulsed by it?

3. Do you enjoy hugs?

I think I would even enjoy asking her to respond on a numerical scale. For example, 1 is "repulsed" and 5 is "I love it!" I would love to know whether she is "blah" about some things, or if she is downright repulsed.

[deltaX]

If those questions are things are are important for you to know, that you could try asking her. After all, the answers to those questions will vary wildly depending on which asexual person you are talking to, so there's no way to know without asking her.

However, I don't know about putting it on a scale. Then it almost feel scientific and emotionless, even though this is a matter that obviously has a lot of significance to both of you. I don't know your wife, and maybe she would prefer that, but I think I would feel more like a science experiment that way than if you just left the questions open-ended and let her describe for herself how she feels about those things.

I've never had to go through this though, so feel free to take me advice with a grain of salt, or even just ignore it completely. Maybe I am looking at this too much from the point of view of someone who doesn't mind talking about my experiences being ace. But however you decide to approach it, I hope it goes well for you! :)

[Glad-I-Found-This-Site]

I guess I am interested in the numerical scale because, if I asked her how she felt about hugs, she would say something like, "They are OK." Most questions would get answers that leave too much to interpretation. I would come away from the conversation knowing what I already know, which is that she doesn't think about sex, doesn't particularly enjoy it, and overall just likes her personal space. Not sure why, but when she says she isn't that into sex, I want to know if she is "take it or leave it" (as she once explained it as to me) or "anything but that" (which it seems like to me). I think the conversation would be shorter (which would be her preference) if I had the numerical scale and didn't start asking clarifying questions upon each response from her. With open ended questions, I know that her first response would be vague and then I would have to ask followups.

Before we have sex, I often notice that she gets out from under the covers, sits atop them, and chills and watches TV for a while. Then, when I think it will NEVER happen, she turns and initiates. As I am waiting, I always wonder what is going through her mind. I think she is kind of psyching herself up, like the kid who stands on the end of a diving board for 10 minutes before he jumps. I know I could just come out and ask, but I feel the need to organize my thoughts first so the questions aren't so random. I thought that perhaps there was a resource of questions or perhaps one of those Buzzfeed-like surveys that helps someone zero in on what they are feeling and who in the world they most identify with. They seem to have them for everything (like politics, in particular). And even if such a thing doesn't exist, I figure there are standard questions you all would ask someone who was trying to get to know themselves and battling uncertainty. For those on here who are ace, I totally understand how you might feel it isn't my place to be probing with these questions, but then again, if this is something that she wouldn't balk at, and if it is something that can better help me understand her, I'm all for it.

[Sally]

My wife has basically told me that she is asexual, without using the term. I wasn't even aware of the term when we last had a talk. She has basically said she doesn't really think about sex, doesn't need it, doesn't have orgasms, doesn't desire to have them, doesn't masturbate nor want to. That's where we are at.

She's pretty much told you how she feels about having sex. The only other thing you could ask her is if sex really bothers her. Don't make it personal (don't ask "Does sex with me disgust you?") -- just ask her if she can tolerate having sex.

Otherwise, I think any more questions will definitely feel like an interrogation, and you might either get her irritated, upset, or you'll get inaccurate answers in an effort to get you off her back.

[Lady Girl]

I also think there's something to be said for allowing the person not to have to talk about sex if they've indicated it's not one of their preferred topics. It kind of says to them, I love and respect you and we don't have to talk this thing to death...

That said, I personally think a casual approach might prove more beneficial then a list of questions and a rating system. If she's anything like my spouse, rating her lack of sexual feelings is going feel awkward and seem almost like an "I'm a disappointment" trap.

[Tarfeather]

I also think there's something to be said for allowing the person not to have to talk about sex if they've indicated it's not one of their preferred topics. It kind of says to them, I love and respect you and we don't have to talk this thing to death...

Well, at that point, what can you really do? If it's an important issue to you, and the other isn't willing to talk about it, that means they're probably also not willing to put in effort to help you with that issue. I can see this kind of consideration making sense early in a relationship, when you don't really know each other and want to avoid treading on each other's toes, but if I were in a long standing relationship, and couldn't talk about things that are important to me for some reason or other, I'd really question whether I want to be here or not. Then again, communication and mutual understanding are very, very important to me, maybe more so than to others?

[Lady Girl]

I also think there's something to be said for allowing the person not to have to talk about sex if they've indicated it's not one of their preferred topics. It kind of says to them, I love and respect you and we don't have to talk this thing to death...

Well, at that point, what can you really do? If it's an important issue to you, and the other isn't willing to talk about it, that means they're probably also not willing to put in effort to help you with that issue. I can see this kind of consideration making sense early in a relationship, when you don't really know each other and want to avoid treading on each other's toes, but if I were in a long standing relationship, and couldn't talk about things that are important to me for some reason or other, I'd really question whether I want to be here or not. Then again, communication and mutual understanding are very, very important to me, maybe more so than to others?

From personal experience, I think after decades of a relationship and several discussions concerning the issue...if I don't know how he feels about it by now, I never will. To me, there comes a time when you believe what they say instead of trying to get them to say the same thing a million different ways. Sometimes non verbal communication and understanding can be more meaningful than words.

For example, if the OP's wife says she can "take it or leave it", but they feel like to her it's "anything but this", isn't that more about them believing her than her saying it again? If we don't believe what our partner says, isn't it kind of inconsiderate to insist they keep helping us with that issue (our disbelief)?

[Down in Texas]

Glad-I-Found-this-Site & Tarfeather: I am also a very sexual person, like you I think of sex many times through out the day. It took me finding this site and reading off and on for over a year and a half before I finally changed the way I looked at this issue. Yes communication is a very important factor in any relationship, however sex, intimacy, desire and passion mean different things to different people and vary in degrees even among sexuals. The most important thing I learned in my relationship, after changing my view after finding AVEN, was how I worded my questions and left out I, Me and You. I changed to We and Us. However the greatest thing is understanding that Asexuality is something a person is born with it IS NOT A CHOICE! They can not BECOME something they do not understand. It would almost be the same as taking any everyday ordinary person and put them in a Operating Room and expect them to do a delicate Heart or Brain surgery without any training or prior education on the ability needed to do so.

Yes, as sexuals it hurts to learn that what we thought came naturally to us came just as naturally to everyone, yet it doesn't. Once we learn that this is not a matter of choice WE (sexuals) must learn by communicating (both verbally and non verbally) with our (asexual) partner. We must learn how we can BOTH give a bit or control our own needs until we can find a place that becomes comfortable to Both.

It is not the number of questions we ask or the way we ask them that is the most important, it is the Understanding that MUST come FIRST.

[Star Bit]

1. Do you ever daydream about sex?

I think I would even enjoy asking her to respond on a numerical scale. For example, 1 is "repulsed" and 5 is "I love it!" I would love to know whether she is "blah" about some things, or if she is downright repulsed.

Well, i would advise against asking #1/being redundant. What use for daydreaming of sex would someone have, other than wanting to masturbate or have sex? And she's specified she has desire for neither, so it would be a no. In fact, some asexuals never have wet dreams because it is that undesired or unrelated to them.

Secondly, I'm an anylitical person and pro-understanding; so i don't take any offence to the emotion scale (although i can see its offencive side), but since none of us have control over your actions, i have a few things to add to it; if you decide to use it. 1. Mention that the reason you're resorting to it is because she won't extencively discuss it. 2. Maybe have faces for the numbers or have them labled like you already did for 1 and 5; it will make the answering quicker/easier and lessen her stress or fustration on the topic. 3. Indifference is an option, so i think there should be a zero.

[Glad-I-Found-This-Site]

Thank you for the insight.

Someone said I should just believe what she says. I guess I want to revisit some things because her statements and actions don't quite align in some areas. She loves me, and I think some of her earlier statements were tempered so as to make me feel better.

Thank you again.

[Down in Texas]

Thank you for the insight.

Someone said I should just believe what she says. I guess I want to revisit some things because her statements and actions don't quite align in some areas. She loves me, and I think some of her earlier statements were tempered so as to make me feel better.

Thank you again.

Is that not part of what Love is?

We try our best not to hurt or harm the ones we Love the most, be it partners, parents, children or friends. Trust me when I say Love comes in Many Form and means different things to different people in varying degrees. There is No way to put a Meter on Love and measure a persons love to see if it measures up to our expectations or level we think it should be or want it to be for each different experience.

We know when someone is mad at us, if they are upset at something someone else has done or if it is just a day full of unforeseen incidents that didn't happen the way we had wished they would have. There are ups and downs in all relationships. Love is not always something said or done sometimes it's the not said or not done things that are just as loving as words or actions.

I understand what you are saying I was there for a long time myself, asking questions, expecting answers and the answers I got did not make sense in MY sexual world of understanding. What you have to realize is they can not give us the answers we expect in sexual terms because our definition and their definition of sexual or emotions involving sex or/can be worlds apart depending on where they are on the sexual scale we are using to measure with. Just like points on a number line there are a multitude of degrees for all of us, no two people are ever at the same place at the same time on any given day.

I guess what I am trying to say is the answer she gave most likely is Her understanding, even if it may not be what you think it should be. The reasons for the difference can be any number of different factors. Give it some time and learn a bit more before you try to revisit the questions you need answers to. After you understand things more you may answer your own questions without putting any more tension on your relationship.

I hope that makes sense.