I'm not sure what I am...help!

[etherealprincess]

Hello, I'm very nervous/scared here. Some background, I am a 21-year-old cis-woman in college.

I've always known what asexuality was, and always thought "No, that couldn't be me." But the more I've learned about it, the more it seems possible?

So I've always experienced attraction, but I'm not sure if it's sexual. In fact, I don't really think it is. I'm really drawn to people, but when I think about them what I really want to do is things like kiss, cuddle, and hug. I never think about having sex with people, and when I try to do so it feels forced.

I've had two boyfriends in the past. The first was in ninth grade, and I broke up with him because he was pressuring me to kiss him and I didn't want to.

The second was after graduating high school, and we did sexual things. We did a lot of things with our hands (trying to be modest here), but I never, you know, finished. He never could get me to, and I was never really that into it? And when we finally had sex, I had been building it up in my head as this amazing thing. But then it happened, and I did not enjoy myself. Not only that, I wasn't interested in doing it again. We had sex three times, and then never had it again over the course of the six more months that we dated (after having sex).

But at the same time, I experience sexual arousal when it comes to hot guys, hot girls, porn, steamy parts in novels, etc. I just don't want to do anything myself. And furthermore, I masturbate pretty regularly, and I never fail to "finish."

I don't know, I guess I've been taught my whole life that being sexual was so natural, so it's hard to free myself of that mindset. But I've always felt like something was wrong with me, because I didn't want to kiss my ninth grade boyfriend, and I only wanted to snuggle with that guy after prom, and I wasn't interested in having more sex with my boyfriend.

I don't want to tie myself down to this either, though. What if I get into a relationship and tell them I'm asexual, only to have that change? What if I want to be sexual with that person?

This ended up being much longer than I meant it to.

tl;dr I might be asexual, but I'm scared and confused and questioning everything I may know. I just need advice. Is this normal? Am I still normal?

[Anime Pancake]

Hey there

Your screen name is pretty cool!

I can relate to some of what you said. When I was in my relationship during high school, I didn't really feel much of a need or desire to kiss the person I was with.

For me personally, I do find women attractive (as in their bodies). I enjoy sensual interaction (basically most things, but not sex).

There's nothing to be nervous about. Most of us here are learning more about ourselves and figuring out who we are, what we're comfortable with, and how to interact with other people.

Take your time and maybe look over the definitions of asexuals, romantic asexuals, and different terms like that.

It makes sense that you don't want to have to identify as a particular title or label like 'asexual' forever, especially since you're not sure about it yet.

Look at the different kinds of asexuality and things like that, and take your time. Whatever you feel like you can relate to, then you can identify with that, if you like. If you change your mind, or get a better understanding later, or feel a different way later on, then you can change it. It's no big deal.

If you don't want to explain it to other people until you're more sure and certain about how you feel, that makes sense. Nothing wrong with that.

When I first learned about asexuality, I thought I was a romantic asexual person. Turns out that I am only somewhat romantic.

So when I learned a better understanding, I cleared up what I identify as, and that was that.

Anyways, we're here for support. Take your time, take a deep breath and relax.

You don't need to find any answers today or tomorrow. I'm happy to help you and to answer any questions, and I'm sure many others are as well.

It sounds like you do enjoy romance, without sex, is that right? There are many romantic asexuals.

Also, personally I do masturbate and everything. But I can't imagine actually having sex with someone. So yeah.

To answer your question, yes you are normal. Are you sexual? Are you asexual? I'm not sure, but either way you're perfectly fine and I'm sure you'll find most of your answers soon enough.

Take your time and relax :)

Also, feel free to message me if you want to be friends or if you have any questions.

[Moon Ace]

That's a really great response Anime... I was going to write something similar but wouldn't have worded it so well...

Just wanted to add... Welcome and of course you're perfectly normal! :-)

Edited December 19, 2014 by Acing-it

[CrowWakes]

The best advice I can give you is to trust yourself the definition of asexual means nothing if it doesnt seem right to you. thats like asking someone what they would say is your favorite food. they may say its cake but in reality its chocolate (just making a statement)

asking somone else to label you doesnt make it you. Ask your self what you think is a good label and use it if anyone says anything about it you tell them its your choice and stick to it ^_^

PS if your sexuality changes thats normal it changed during puberty and its going to change again possibly if your label changes there isnt a thing in the world wrong with that, trust me I changed 4 times before relizing I was asexual.

**I hope I didnt come off as sour about your question I was just trying to answer it the best I can**

By the way the use of the word label wouldnt usually be my choice word but I havent slept in two days and cant think of a better one my sincerest apologies

[Star Bit]

Changing your label is fine. Some people may find it wrong, but at the time you found it accurate and there's nothing wrong with that. Your orientation can also change naturally. You may be Demisexual (sexual attraction after a certain bond) or Gray-Asexual and be sexually attracted to people rarely, under certain conditions, etc. (its an umbrella term), or you could simply be comfortable with having sex with someone but still be Asexual; still have no sexual attraction. Asexuals can have sex for multiple reasons. And all of these are perfectly acceptable. If you want to hold off on a label that's fine too.

In the meantime, perhaps a list of attractions could be helpful. I worded things myself, so if you want something more professional or extensive you could google it. They can also all be felt separately, nor do all need to be present for romantic attraction.

• Sexual attraction- uninfluenced sexual arousal due to another person (no touching of turn on spots, fetishes, etc.) and the desire for sex. Arousal from porn is different; Asexuals are aroused by what they're doing and not by the person. Aesthetic preference is possible though. Put simply, sexual arousal + sexual desire = sexual attraction. Only having one can still count as asexual because it is not fully sexual attraction. Though sexual desire without the arousal is called Cupiosexual.
• Romantic attraction- without the other attractions present, the best way i can think of putting the emotion is that its a "soft spot." How it differs from platonic/QP, idk; its an emotion and hard to describe. Though sexual desire without the arousal is called Cupiosexual.
• Aestheric attraction- a fixation on someone because of their looks; different from indifferently admitting someone is good looking / "aesthetically pleasing"
• Sensual attraction- wanting to cuddle, hold hands, etc. with someone. (does not include sex) By itself it can qualify as a queerplatonic relationship (QPR). The other thing that qualifies a QPR is a bond or importance to each other that is stronger than average friends. Both or only one can be present in a QPR. So can "friends with benefits" qualify.
• Emotional attraction- fixation on someone because of their emotions; how they are stoic, optimistic, etc. Its different from having a favorite character stereotype, although you could experience this attraction for them. I would word it more as admirance or recognizing your own emotions in someone else and being attracted to/fixated on them because of that.
• Platonic attraction- strong desire to know someone (aka squish; a play on the word crush, but this is also felt in the average romantic attraction)

I word attraction as a fixation to clarify the degree of the emotion, but personally I'd call it my brain derping for X reason.

[Guest]

Agree with CrowWakes . Your self-identity depends on you. If I suggested you the type of asexuality, it would be demisexual/grey-A.

[Pickapon]

hm, if you experience sexual arousal, that doesn't make you any less of an asexual.

sexual arousal =/= sexual attraction

[sp4c34c3]

my line of thinking tries to keep it simple. That is, I never feel the need to go through with it. for whatever multitude of reasons.

I think there should be a difference. One person could go buy a model car, and never actually have the desire to put it together. But there are actually other people out there that not only buy the car, but put it together. To me, these are two different types of people, and I equate asexual vs nonasexual in this kind of way.

[CNGB]

I'd like to say that I'm one of those people that do experience sexual arousal and masturbate pretty frequently. However, just because I experience that and do that doesn't mean I'm sexually attracted to people. I don't want to have sex; there is no one that I look at and I'm like, "Hey! I wanna have sex with that guy!" On the occasions that I do fantasize about a real person instead of faceless people, I still know that I wouldn't really want to have sex with them. Fantasies are fantasies; they're not real.

Now, I would also like to say that it's perfectly normal to want to touch people. Cuddling, snuggling, all that fun stuff . . that'd be sensual attraction, which has been mentioned in a previous response. I have a friend and if he'd let me I'd cuddle with him (well, I do that anyway, but I'd do more of it) and kiss him on the cheek all the time.

Hope these responses help!