Opinions on never "coming out"?

[mannamouth]

I'm new to all of this, so I can only give my immediate impression on this subject. I've only just identified as asexual, but I don't feel any sort of necessity in coming out. I think I might to my sister, who I have often discussed sexual things with and it will probably be lightbulb moment for her as well (in regards to me). I think the main point is to do what is comfortable for you. For me, admitting my own asexuality (to myself) meant freedom and becoming comfortable in my own skin. If admitting it to others takes away from that, then why do it?

[misterjigsaw]

Personally, I've always sort of known that I didn't experience sexual attraction, and am just now experimenting with putting a label on it. While I'm happy to know that there are plenty of other people that feel the same, I just don't think that coming out is a necessity.

If I was biromantic, homoromantic, et cetera I would most likely come out, just to give my friends and family a heads up that I wouldn't be dating people of the opposite gender or whatever...but everyone knows that I like guys, so there really isn't a need to draw attention to it for me...Not even because my "social circle" would react negatively, but it just seems like more effort than it's worth!

[Hunter James]

This has been on my mind a lot lately - love reading everyone's thoughts here and putting down my own always makes me think it all over.

Like someone already said, if people aren't making you uncomfortable then there's no need to explain things. But I guess it depends on how much your orientation affects how you perceive the world and interact with it, too.

For example, one thing that always makes me uncomfortable is when people ask if I think someone is attractive. Very casually, just watching TV and someone says, "Don't you think she's pretty?" or "He's really attractive, isn't he?" It bothers me because I don't know how to answer and I tend to uncomfortably shrug, which I feel makes the other person uncomfortable, too! I would much rather it be understood between us that I just don't "get" those things or see people the same way. People are beautiful to me in all different ways but rarely in ways I can describe to others who are operating off sexual attractiveness. I could just be overly self-conscious about it. ;)

So in that way I wish I could be honest with people, so I kind of think "coming out" would be a good idea. Just a big t-shirt that says "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT WHEN YOU SAY HE OR SHE IS CUTE." That and "I JUST LIKE THIS PERSON I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM." Maybe I just need some t-shirts...

I guess the best "coming out" is just authentically being who we are. If asexuality matters in your life it will naturally "come out" to those it matters to. I think. Maybe. I hope. Still working on it. ;)

[FinallyReadyToBeHere]

This has been on my mind a lot lately - love reading everyone's thoughts here and putting down my own always makes me think it all over.

Like someone already said, if people aren't making you uncomfortable then there's no need to explain things. But I guess it depends on how much your orientation affects how you perceive the world and interact with it, too.

For example, one thing that always makes me uncomfortable is when people ask if I think someone is attractive. Very casually, just watching TV and someone says, "Don't you think she's pretty?" or "He's really attractive, isn't he?" It bothers me because I don't know how to answer and I tend to uncomfortably shrug, which I feel makes the other person uncomfortable, too! I would much rather it be understood between us that I just don't "get" those things or see people the same way. People are beautiful to me in all different ways but rarely in ways I can describe to others who are operating off sexual attractiveness. I could just be overly self-conscious about it. ;)

So in that way I wish I could be honest with people, so I kind of think "coming out" would be a good idea. Just a big t-shirt that says "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT WHEN YOU SAY HE OR SHE IS CUTE." That and "I JUST LIKE THIS PERSON I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM." Maybe I just need some t-shirts...

I guess the best "coming out" is just authentically being who we are. If asexuality matters in your life it will naturally "come out" to those it matters to. I think. Maybe. I hope. Still working on it. ;)

The part I bolded is very important even if you decide not to come out.

[Strawberry_Star]

I only tell people if they ask or I might get into a relationship with someone. I don't want to bother explain to people or have them dis me lol. It's nothing to general people they will just think I'm weird.

[Tarfeather]

IMO, the only person you do need (i.e., have an ethical obligation) to come out to is someone you are dating/a partner in a relationship. As for everyone else - it's only their business to know if you decide you want them to know it.

Agreed, but it'd be weird to have friends who you don't *like* to talk about stuff like that with. ;) Bonus points if your parents are also among your friends.

(Wait, this conversation is THAT old? I should look at dates more often..)

[GoldenaLy]

Being that I am also aromantic, I did feel compelled to come out to family and friends, mostly to explain why I had never dated and was never going to marry, and to stop the questions and theorizing about my sexual orientation. I did the formal sit-down conversation with both my parents, separately, and it was highly uncomfortable. My mother asked if it was anything she had done wrong and if I thought I would ever change, before assuring me that she supported me no matter what. My father said "okay" and refused to make eye contact. But then it was over. You only have to do that once!

Reactions from friends varied. In my early twenties, friends were not very supportive - they were at an age where they were thinking and talking about sex a lot and they found it "hard to believe." One friend argued with me, surprisingly vehemently, telling me she believed it was a choice I'd made, and I think our relationship suffered a little after that. Coming out to newer friends in my mid-to-late twenties has been a different story - most friends were great, actually, and seem totally okay with it. But times change and we mature.

I can see why, if you're in a relationship with someone romantically, you wouldn't necessarily need to come out as asexual to friends and family. It's not anyone's business if you're having sex or not having sex. I don't think you have to come out unless you really want to or feel comfortable doing so. If you do so, based on personal experience, be prepared for a variety of reactions and be prepared to meet those reactions calmly and with education.

[xSkylar]

Eventually you would have to come out because people will wonder why you're still single while all your friends already have partners. Then you'll reach the stage where all your cousins are getting married, and your parents will be worried. And then they'll start to wonder, and perhaps think that you are gay. This is what I think will happen to me haha

[ash541]

I too feel compelled on not "coming out" to everybody but the people that I really want to know. That being said I have told my best friend and he was very understanding and even though he sometimes overshares on his urges and sex life and I don't feel comfortable when he shares that, I still understand that he wants to tell me that stuff because he trusts me and vice versa I tell him about how I feel when sex and relationships are concerned. So I think that if you have a person like that that you can trust it gets much easier when you tell them you are asexual.

But I also had a negative experience when I told a really close friend of mine and she started making excuses why I don't feel the urges and that I should just try having sex and that I would really like it and well the usual crap people give you.

I can't imagine sharing this with my parents as of now, especially when they have the grandchildren moments and I am an only child and in the period when all my peers start having kids (which I think is still soon, but that's just my opinion). Although I guess I will have to tell them eventually.

But for the most part I just tell everybody else I am too busy with college and work to have a boyfriend, so that is my current solution :)

[PippinTook]

I've sort of just answered this somewhere else, so I thought I'd copy part of the answer I gave:

I'm totally going to steal my best friend's analogy here.

It's like me telling you I don't like horror films - that information does not concern or effect you. The only times I'd feel the need to tell you is if:

a) you asked me directly - to which I wouldn't lie

b) you wanted to do something that would require you to know (i.e. watch a horror film/ have sex)

Basically, the fact that you are asexual isn't going to effect anyone other than yourself and potential partners.

If you want to tell people that's fine, and their opinions of that souldn't matter because it doesn't effect them.

If you don't want to tell people that's fine, because it doesn't effect them.

Hope this makes sense :)

[OddAudio]

Even being new in here and only recently identifying under the ace-umbrella... but I have opinions and I like to share!

For me, wanting to come out is more about you than anyone else. If I were to come out to anyone, it would be because of my need to discuss it or share it, not because of their (whoever "they" is) need to know. While it's nice to have like-minded people to talk to here, sometimes you want someone real in your life to talk to and confide in.

However, I also agree on the caveat that, in a relationship, it is important to share with your partner--for both of your sakes. (Not that I have any experience in that...)

[Kid-Kitty]

A while back, I thought it would be the best thing to just come out and lay it all out.

Recently, I've realized that people targeted me sexually and romantically (not in a good way) based on my sexuality. I feel like if it's going to be shared, it should be with people that you really trust.

It's great to give people the name to orientation association, but sometimes it's better to just protect yourself.

Besides, not many people need to know others' sexualities. I think it mainly matters if you're interested in the person and want to know whether or not they're interested in your gender.