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Hello everyone! :) Let me share my story with you...


Stoic_Existentialist

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Stoic_Existentialist
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Hi everyone. I'm a 23 old, fairly introverted guy who just wants to know his place in the world of romance / sexuality. I don't have much personal experience, but I want to share my story with you, for what it's worth. Maybe someone can help me, or maybe I can help someone.


I'm still a virgin, never had sex (never even had a gf), although I masturbated more or less regularly since I was 3 or something (yeah, it can be hard to believe). Before puberty I don't know about how frequently I did it, but when I did, my thoughts were anything but about sex (these were the times when I thought babies were made by kissing, lol). I did it purely for the physical pleasure.


It became more of a habit in my teenage years, since puberty increased my libido, which has "died down" recently, so to speak. I never had a wet dream in my life. In fact, I discovered I entered puberty" when then - to my surprise - I not only had an orgasm but ejaculated too. It was kinda weird back then.


I used fantasy, pictures of women (clothed), and then, as I got access to the internet, pornography, too. I ceased using pornography, and it may have caused my urge to fap to die; however, I did a nofap session for two months in June-July 2014. I did not have a single wet dream, although I did have certain "autosexual dreams" (like me fapping and ejaculating all over the place, and waking up I realized it was just a dream lol). But it only felt like a challenge initially, in the first few days immediately after I quit porn. Maybe my brain got used to the regular dopamine fix? I don't know for sure, but after that, I felt like I could go for eternity without a sexual thought or orgasm, just like now.


I never fantasized about anyone I've became infatuated / fallen in love with. When I did fantasize about actual living humans, I did it in a certain, detached way, and I was never there. The fantasy was just a means to an end, as porn and the pictures I used. I think I did it mostly for pleasure, that is, pleasure in it's purest, physical sense. I can also do it without porn, or fantasy at all, focusing only on the physical sensation.


But I don't want it. I don't feel I have a need for it. The girls who I have fallen love with (which happens quite rarely), I don't desire sex with them - although I do desire a deep emotional connection, and sometimes I feel I want to hug, caress or kiss them. Also, I feel like I could just look at them, I mean... stare at them for hours, like watching a beautiful painting or natural scenery, but this is more intense, a more powerful feeling. In some cases I also experience this with their voices, I mean I could just listen to them speaking about whatever silly little thing is on their minds, and find it

pleasurable. I also end up thinking about them a lot. But I need to get to know the person first, so I guess I'm more in love with their personality, while still being able to appreciate their physical aspects in an aesthetic way, although they are still important to me.


My love has always been unrequited, and most of the times the girls just weren't interested in anything else. The closest I could get to anyone is a somewhat close friendship, which only happened recently, with one particular girl. I never pursued or chased girls purely for sex, didn't see the point, a reason in that. I want to know the person (I have serious friendships, even with males), just not like that.


So, I guess that makes me a heteroromantic (possibly demiromantic) asexual, although I'd like some input from your side, too, since I'm new to this. Oh, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask. I'm glad I found this community!

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Well I dont know about you but it makes me feel wonderful to have a significant other. In her arms is the safest place I have ever felt. It set my mind clear and got rid of alot of confusion, I now clarify that I am asexual and not just confused and feel a sense of purpose. Now I am not saying such a situation would help you and it may not. But the point I have so lengthily tried to reach is that it all started with a long hard meaningful talk with somone close (friends, family, what have you) it made my life alot easier. I hope my attempt at advice helped you out, and if not just ask me a question and I will try and answer it in a less "ramble-y way".

PS I forgot my formalities I would like to welcome you to our family.

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Stoic_Existentialist

Well, I "guess" it would also make me feel wonderful, I just never had the opportunity to experience anything like that. I also find it hard for me to be attracted to people in a social way: you know, just going up to them and say hi or anything like that. Very few people "make me" want to talk to them, if it makes sense to put it that way.

I think mostly because I think my interests are relatively unconventional, I'm an utterly philosophical, scientific individual, who just happens to enjoy "art", like listening to music (Alexander Brandon, Tool and Rush nowadays, as well as any good melodic instrumental rocker, like Joe Satriani, John Petrucci and co.), watching films with deep thoughts and emotions. I don't know, I think, feel, and live DEEPLY. Planescape Torment is my favourite video game because of it's philosophical themes. Doesn't help that I'm at my final year at university, gonna be a mechanical engineer.

So yeah, I guess I was not made for casual relationships, I just let those die, because I don't care. I don't really enjoy "traditional" social gatherings at pubs (which mostly involve drinking, which I am not fond of), I mostly do them to at least have some social exposure. I'm also extremely individualistic, I dislike most social conventions in general. Also, I "feel" most people to be quite shallow. I have a few friends, but I live far away from town, and most of my high-school friends are abroad or far away. My college friends are mostly at the student hostel, and none are from my area.

I just didn't feel the same, I mean, that someone was genuinely, deeply interested in me. Are people generally not interested in each other like that or what? Guess I'm not advertising myself enough, but I don't feel compelled to go out of my way just to "attract" people.

I do feel satisfied with my family members, they are the ones who really cared about me ever since I was born. I guess I want to feel the same with some people, but I find it to be a pretty rare occurence. I guess I just have to live with that.

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Welcome!

I just want to start by saying that this is how I feel and in no way would I ever thrust my opinion on someone and insist that it is right. Good.

Friends are not easy to obtain for most people I would say. A big part of friendship is trust, and family can sometimes seem easier because you have known them literally your entire life. The trust is built when we're infants, and it forms a solid base to which we can grab onto when we need it. (That said, not every family is like this - mine is not.) Friends take a bigger leap. We have to be willing to throw ourselves out there to make a connection. Most of the time it doesn't work, and that's okay, we can't be friends with everyone. People are different, but I think if you put yourself out there a bit more, and gave people a little bit of a chance before assuming they're not worth talking to - you might have better luck.

Maybe the topic you guys are talking about is not their strong suit. See what *they* like and are interested in, and you never know, you could find a really good friend to connect with. I don't have many friends either but the ones I have made have stuck around - not because we see each other all the time (because we don't) - but because we built a mutual relationship together and sometimes I don't talk to them for weeks, months, or even years. But they know I'm still just a message or phone call away, and when we need each other, we're there for one another. All it took was a few conversations, and yes some of them were philosophical and VERY deep.

So good luck I hope you find what you are looking for. And again, welcome! :cake:

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Stoic_Existentialist

Thank you for the kind words and the cake. ^_^

Hawk, if you are talking about real, genuine, deep friendships then yes, I agree with you that they are difficult to get. You have to work, even if there is mutual interest. Still, I think I can be quite stubborn at times, that explains a lot of things in my life. :D

Although I'm fairly open minded and try not to judge people I don't compromise pretty easily, there must be a good enough incentive for me to do so, because my values are fairly grounded. Can't help, I was like this the whole time, but I'm constantly improving through my life. I do believe that every experience is worth something in the long run, even if it may seem like the exact opposite at the time.

There is one guy who I've seen again last week, we're close friends. He has similar interests, so we get along nicely, even though we meet rarely, but that's okay. The main problem is that I live really out of town, not that I don't have friends. There were always people who liked me who I really was, wherever I went, just not too many of them, but that's ok. Maybe when I start working, I'll be happier, I've had enough of this university thing.

I have the kind of friends you talk about Hawk, we used to gather annually, and it's really good.

I am more at trouble romantically. It seems I always fall for the wrong people, and when I want something else from them, they just kinda "push me away". They're not interested in anything else.

There is only one girl, who, after I confessed my feelings to her, said she doesn't love me but considers me "a good and important friend". And we still meet and communicate sometimes. So, that's the closest I could get to anyone I've ever loved. Although she is not that interested in me, that's okay, at least we don't pressure each other, and I welcome her friendship with all my heart, and treasure every moment I have with her.

Maybe I should go out more, but to be honest I'm quite content with my family and when I have work to do or something I'm deeply interested in, I don't really desire anyone else to be near me. I also enjoy exercising or walking in the woods or whatever else comes, and I don't really have a problem doing these things alone. I like reading, which is also a pretty solitary act.

Anyway, I'd like to thank you for letting me join the community and I appreciate the warm welcome.

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Hi and another warm welcome! It sounds like you may be unsure about an appropriate label for yourself...take your time and read around some more. Perhaps some of the posts in this thread have already helped, it sounds like some of the members here have similar feelings as you. I hope you like being a member! :)

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Welcome to the Family here! You sound like a wonderful person. I hope you make a bunch of friends here! My heart goes out to you! Peace my friend.

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welcome aboard matey!

As for my input, I thought you might be aromantic based on reading your initial post. Then your subsequent posts muddled my decision, and now I have no clue. Maybe you do though, and if not, dont worry. There are tons of active and past discussions that can help you find or solidify that!

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Stoic_Existentialist

Aromantic? Well, I don't know spacee. Could you elaborate on why have you came to such a conclusion initially? Maybe you know more than I am. :D

LOL, it looks like the more I read, the more confused I become, the exact opposite of what I expected. :D Defining, clarifying, separating and recognizing the different kinds of attractions is what bugs me the most (especially sexual and romantic attraction), it seems like everyone has their own definitions and interpretations for these things, even when this much energy and introspection and "case studies" were used. I expected more "objectivity" , more clarity, a sense of "uniformity", some consensus about this, guess I was too optimistic about this. :D

Yes, there is the FAQ, and yes, I think I agree with that (about asexuality, hence why I identify with it), but there's so much diversity in the community... so far, it seems to me that AVEN is the only place where these issues get their well-deserved rational, philosophical seriousness. I find that fascinating. ^_^ :cake:

But, ultimately labels are what they are: labels, idealizations, conceptual shorthands, abstractions. Especially in the realm of feelings and emotions, this sorta "scientific" approach obviously has it's limits and drawbacks.

I guess I just have to let this go, let things run their course. Also, I think when there are more than one people involved in something, such as a relationship, there is a limit, a degree to which you can examine them separately, because one's state can directly influnence and simultaneously be influenced by the "other", or "others".

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Hi everyone. I'm a 23 old, fairly introverted guy who just wants to know his place in the world of romance / sexuality. I don't have much personal experience, but I want to share my story with you, for what it's worth. Maybe someone can help me, or maybe I can help someone.

You will know your place in the world of romance and sexuality in the following decades. You have delivered your personal - unique - experience by sharing your story, and that is valuable. Your story now told has begun to help many people, already now, In a process of mutual interplay - communication - you will learn your place in the following decades. Be open, be receptive. States of matter unknown to us, they are part of the same life, that exists as a state of matter of our own.

Don't hurry. Just wait. Your life is there already, I can feel that, there are others, too, I'm sure.

^_^

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Hey, welcome to AVEN. Thank you for posting about yourself in depth; it helps other people build the courage to do the same, when they see that we don't lynch people.

vanilla+cupcake+3.jpg

New post: I just read your username--are you familar with both philosophies? I know entirely too much about existentialism, but only a bit about historical stoisism, I'd love for you to pm me if you want to have a discussion on that. Ahem . . . I own a lot of original works. :)

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Stoic_Existentialist

Heh, yeah, I hear you Atrix.

I think that asexuals (mainly due to their nature as the "newcomers" to the sexuality spotlight, as well as their individuality, and hence the varied subjective experiences) are one of, if not the most tolerant and open-minded on the whole sexual spectrum.

At least that's what I got from (A)Sexual, the film.

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Heh, yeah, I hear you Atrix.

I think that asexuals (mainly due to their nature as the "newcomers" to the sexuality spotlight, as well as their individuality, and hence the varied subjective experiences) are one of, if not the most tolerant and open-minded on the whole sexual spectrum.

At least that's what I got from (A)Sexual, the film.

Goshdarn, I was confused who you where replying to. The name is a bit above that! Loki, whose posted in the same bracket as me, also has the same 'Artix has you' thing. That really confused me. Figured I may as well direct your attention a bit higher while we're still in the welcome forums.

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Stoic_Existentialist

Yep, I wanted to reply to you, Ficulnean, my mistake. I'm still n00b around here. Thanks for bringing my attention to the matter! :D

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Yep, I wanted to reply to you, Ficulnean, my mistake. I'm still n00b around here. Thanks for bringing my attention to the matter! :D

No problem. I've noticed that more than a few people do this.

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