Does anyone else ever feel out of it when other people are really sad about being single?

[AceInhibitor]

I'm ace, and I know for sure I've been romantically attracted to boys before, and possibly girls, still figuring that one out, I don't know at the moment. But that's not the point. Quite a few of my friends have been getting really down about how 'nobody loves them' and of course my default response is to remind them that I love them, because I'm never sure if they mean romantic love or just in general, and I want them to know that they are loved. And the response I keep getting is 'Thanks, but it's not the same'. And I know it's not, obviously, and a romantic/possibly sexual relationship is what they want, but I just feel a bit...out of it all. I mean I've had crushes before and been totally infatuated and generally a bit sad really, but my sadness tends to be connected to that person specifically, generally that we'll never be friends and I won't be able to talk to them anymore, and sometimes I watch films and think it must be nice to have someone who loves you in a romantic way but it's also about how I wish I could love someone in that way, and I don't think I've ever felt that in connection to someone I fancy, ever. I mean I adore my friends and I guess I've been assuming the way I feel about my friends is clearly lacking the magical component that supposedly makes romantic relationships superior to them, but lately I've been wondering if maybe my love for my friends is enough. It's enough for me, anyway, so I guess I can't entirely connect to this feeling my friends have that there's something missing.

I'm probably not explaining this too well, it's late and I'm sleepy, but basically because I don't tend to feel too sad about my lack of romantic relationship and my friends seem to be really struggling with the fact they're not, I can't empathise as well as I'd like. It's not that I don't empathise, I just don't 100% understand. I just wondered if anyone else felt this way?

[Fire & Rain]

I get what you mean. I have had romantic-like crushes before and I currently have someone whom I have romanitc feelings for but I don't desire romantic relationships or I don't get hang up on it when I'm not in one even if I have a romanitc interest at the moment.

I think there's such a thing as romance drive which is separate from romantic attraction like sex drive and sexual attraction are not the same thing. Some people have high romance drive that it doesn't matter if they currently have a romantic interest or not, they feel as though their romantic desires aren't being fulfilled when they are not in a romantic relationship.

So, yeah, I can't emphatize with people when they whine and complain about how they are so lonely and they want a romantic partner. It does not compute. My understanding is we all have differnt levels of romnce drive and mine is non-existent.

[butterflydreams]

Heh, I'm usually the one who's really down/sad about being single. Though I'm starting to wonder if that's the result of peer pressure or other outside influence. I don't feel that my natural inclination is to pair off.

That said I do feel really bad and down if I don't feel like I'm getting enough close intimate connections (typically with friends). Having someone who I know really cares about me as much as I do them. And this has caused a lot of strife for me. Since I have a hard time distinguishing between those kinds of things, having a close intimate friendship is just as good as a romantic relationship in my mind. Problem is, those people don't seem to share that view too often. So whereas I'm feeling like I can trust them, and really be open and intimate with them, they will almost immediately drop me like a bad habit when they end up in a romantic relationship of their own. I've never had that type of connection/friendship with someone who was already paired off. Over the years, I've basically lost every one of my friendships this way, and it's absolutely heartbreaking every time :( Worse, people don't seem to understand why I'm so upset. Most people try to justify my friends' behavior by saying it's "what people do" or "you'll do (or would have done) the same thing".

I suppose I can understand and empathize to some extent with people who truly are hurting because their romantic drive or whatever isn't being satisfied. Though I can't really relate too well. I imagine it's similar to friends in high school lamenting how they "weren't getting any action" and how horrible that was. All I could think of was, "well, I'm sure she would've held your hand. How come that wouldn't be enough? It would've been enough for me!"

Everyone has different needs for this stuff I think.

[AceInhibitor]

I get what you mean. I have had romantic-like crushes before and I currently have someone whom I have romanitc feelings for but I don't desire romantic relationships or I don't get hang up on it when I'm not in one even if I have a romanitc interest at the moment.

I think there's such a thing as romance drive which is separate from romantic attraction like sex drive and sexual attraction are not the same thing. Some people have high romance drive that it doesn't matter if they currently have a romantic interest or not, they feel as though their romantic desires aren't being fulfilled when they are not in a romantic relationship.

So, yeah, I can't emphatize with people when they whine and complain about how they are so lonely and they want a romantic partner. It does not compute. My understanding is we all have differnt levels of romnce drive and mine is non-existent.

That is an awesome theory.

Heh, I'm usually the one who's really down/sad about being single. Though I'm starting to wonder if that's the result of peer pressure or other outside influence. I don't feel that my natural inclination is to pair off.

That said I do feel really bad and down if I don't feel like I'm getting enough close intimate connections (typically with friends). Having someone who I know really cares about me as much as I do them. And this has caused a lot of strife for me. Since I have a hard time distinguishing between those kinds of things, having a close intimate friendship is just as good as a romantic relationship in my mind. Problem is, those people don't seem to share that view too often. So whereas I'm feeling like I can trust them, and really be open and intimate with them, they will almost immediately drop me like a bad habit when they end up in a romantic relationship of their own. I've never had that type of connection/friendship with someone who was already paired off. Over the years, I've basically lost every one of my friendships this way, and it's absolutely heartbreaking every time :( Worse, people don't seem to understand why I'm so upset. Most people try to justify my friends' behavior by saying it's "what people do" or "you'll do (or would have done) the same thing".

I suppose I can understand and empathize to some extent with people who truly are hurting because their romantic drive or whatever isn't being satisfied. Though I can't really relate too well. I imagine it's similar to friends in high school lamenting how they "weren't getting any action" and how horrible that was. All I could think of was, "well, I'm sure she would've held your hand. How come that wouldn't be enough? It would've been enough for me!"

Everyone has different needs for this stuff I think.

I mean I have felt like that now and then but it's not a general thing, it's specific to whoever I like at the time and it's more a fear of not having them in my life anymore than a strict need for a romantic relationship. I mean I get it in theory, and I can see why people want romantic relationships and stuff, I just, can't entirely relate to it I guess, I don't feel the same way about it.

I've never understood the 'drop your friends the second you get in a relationship' logic. I could never do that, but then me and my friends border on inseparable. I mean we can be apart, obviously, and I go to events and stuff without them, but with my best friends I spend the bulk of my time with them, and they mean a huge amount to me, so I guess that's how people in relationships feel about their partners, but the idea that some people could just drop their friends for that is so alien to me. I'm so sorry that's happened to you, I hope you find someone, or several people, who won't do that to you. I was lucky I guess in that a lot of my friendships weren't greatly impacted when they started dating, it tended to be if someone moved away that we drifted apart over time. I do worry about that though, especially when my friends start getting married and things, that they're going to leave and I won't be able to do anything because that's just the 'rules' of romantic relationships and I guess there's this idea that being married means you've grown up and kind of grown past having those really close friendships you do when you're younger, and I'm really scared that will happen to me, or even worse, that I'll find someone I like romantically and I'll do that to my friends. I don't want that.

And yeah, I totally don't understand people complaining about not having sex. Not eating chocolate for months, fine. Not drinking for months, yeah, I guess so, I like a gin and tonic. But no sex? I don't care. I can do without very easily. I just can't relate to that

[Fire & Rain]

Heh, I'm usually the one who's really down/sad about being single. Though I'm starting to wonder if that's the result of peer pressure or other outside influence. I don't feel that my natural inclination is to pair off.

That said I do feel really bad and down if I don't feel like I'm getting enough close intimate connections (typically with friends). Having someone who I know really cares about me as much as I do them. And this has caused a lot of strife for me. Since I have a hard time distinguishing between those kinds of things, having a close intimate friendship is just as good as a romantic relationship in my mind. Problem is, those people don't seem to share that view too often. So whereas I'm feeling like I can trust them, and really be open and intimate with them, they will almost immediately drop me like a bad habit when they end up in a romantic relationship of their own. I've never had that type of connection/friendship with someone who was already paired off. Over the years, I've basically lost every one of my friendships this way, and it's absolutely heartbreaking every time :( Worse, people don't seem to understand why I'm so upset. Most people try to justify my friends' behavior by saying it's "what people do" or "you'll do (or would have done) the same thing".

I suppose I can understand and empathize to some extent with people who truly are hurting because their romantic drive or whatever isn't being satisfied. Though I can't really relate too well. I imagine it's similar to friends in high school lamenting how they "weren't getting any action" and how horrible that was. All I could think of was, "well, I'm sure she would've held your hand. How come that wouldn't be enough? It would've been enough for me!"

Everyone has different needs for this stuff I think.

I think what you're craving for is a deep emotional intimacy and not a romantic relationship per se. Society tells us (and it's true to a certain degree for most people) that that level of emotional intimacy can only be achieved in a romantic relationship. As I get older, my friends begin to emotionally distance themselves from there. A few came to me crying that it's very strange that they had this deep emotional connection with me which they would usually reserve for their romantic partner. It confused them more because they weren't romantically interested in me. So what they did was they cut me off from their lives :( as soon as they found the whole package a.k.a romantic partner. Eh, it's painful, isn't it?

oh and my advice is to make friends with someone who's already in a long-term relationship. I have a few of them and they hang out with me on a regular basis and they appreciate friendships more because they are past that honeymoon stage. Stay away from those who go in and out of relationships all the time. They will cling onto you in between relationships and drop you the second they find a potential romantic partner.

[butterflydreams]

Heh, I'm usually the one who's really down/sad about being single. Though I'm starting to wonder if that's the result of peer pressure or other outside influence. I don't feel that my natural inclination is to pair off.

That said I do feel really bad and down if I don't feel like I'm getting enough close intimate connections (typically with friends). Having someone who I know really cares about me as much as I do them. And this has caused a lot of strife for me. Since I have a hard time distinguishing between those kinds of things, having a close intimate friendship is just as good as a romantic relationship in my mind. Problem is, those people don't seem to share that view too often. So whereas I'm feeling like I can trust them, and really be open and intimate with them, they will almost immediately drop me like a bad habit when they end up in a romantic relationship of their own. I've never had that type of connection/friendship with someone who was already paired off. Over the years, I've basically lost every one of my friendships this way, and it's absolutely heartbreaking every time :( Worse, people don't seem to understand why I'm so upset. Most people try to justify my friends' behavior by saying it's "what people do" or "you'll do (or would have done) the same thing".

I suppose I can understand and empathize to some extent with people who truly are hurting because their romantic drive or whatever isn't being satisfied. Though I can't really relate too well. I imagine it's similar to friends in high school lamenting how they "weren't getting any action" and how horrible that was. All I could think of was, "well, I'm sure she would've held your hand. How come that wouldn't be enough? It would've been enough for me!"

Everyone has different needs for this stuff I think.

I think what you're craving for is a deep emotional intimacy and not a romantic relationship per se. Society tells us (and it's true to a certain degree for most people) that that level of emotional intimacy can only be achieved in a romantic relationship. As I get older, my friends begin to emotionally distance themselves from there. A few came to me crying that it's very strange that they had this deep emotional connection with me which they would usually reserve for their romantic partner. It confused them more because they weren't romantically interested in me. So what they did was they cut me off from their lives :( as soon as they found the whole package a.k.a romantic partner. Eh, it's painful, isn't it?

oh and my advice is to make friends with someone who's already in a long-term relationship. I have a few of them and they hang out with me on a regular basis and they appreciate friendships more because they are past that honeymoon stage. Stay away from those who go in and out of relationships all the time. They will cling onto you in between relationships and drop you the second they find a potential romantic partner.

You make a really good point in the first bolded bit there. And the fact that it's true for such a good number or people just makes it harder. It's also culturally "enforced" in lots of weird, unfair and lame ways. Even if I was getting the close connection I wanted with my best friend, can we ever hold hands? Or greet each other with a hug? No, because two guys doing that is just "gay". Jesus tap-dancing christ...

Realizing the lack of distinction I have between these things has really given me pause lately with respect to seriously considering how aromantic I might actually be. Unfortunately, it's the one thing I have a really hard time accepting about myself. Asexuality? Sure, I'll gladly take that. Gender differences? Explains a lot too, give it here. Aromanticism? I don't care how much it describes my experiences, keep it away from me! Definitely no disrespect to those who are aromantic. My...let's say fear of it is uniquely rooted in my life experiences to date. Maybe one day I'll accept it and be a better, happier person for it.

Eh, I almost always feel like a third wheel when trying to be friends with someone who's paired off. It's really hard for people to place equal value on a friend with even a post-honeymoon-phase romantic/sexual partner. Again though, might be resultant from society telling us that's the only way to get that connection with people. As I always say in these situations, c'est la vie.

[Fire & Rain]

Heh, I'm usually the one who's really down/sad about being single. Though I'm starting to wonder if that's the result of peer pressure or other outside influence. I don't feel that my natural inclination is to pair off.

That said I do feel really bad and down if I don't feel like I'm getting enough close intimate connections (typically with friends). Having someone who I know really cares about me as much as I do them. And this has caused a lot of strife for me. Since I have a hard time distinguishing between those kinds of things, having a close intimate friendship is just as good as a romantic relationship in my mind. Problem is, those people don't seem to share that view too often. So whereas I'm feeling like I can trust them, and really be open and intimate with them, they will almost immediately drop me like a bad habit when they end up in a romantic relationship of their own. I've never had that type of connection/friendship with someone who was already paired off. Over the years, I've basically lost every one of my friendships this way, and it's absolutely heartbreaking every time :( Worse, people don't seem to understand why I'm so upset. Most people try to justify my friends' behavior by saying it's "what people do" or "you'll do (or would have done) the same thing".

I suppose I can understand and empathize to some extent with people who truly are hurting because their romantic drive or whatever isn't being satisfied. Though I can't really relate too well. I imagine it's similar to friends in high school lamenting how they "weren't getting any action" and how horrible that was. All I could think of was, "well, I'm sure she would've held your hand. How come that wouldn't be enough? It would've been enough for me!"

Everyone has different needs for this stuff I think.

I think what you're craving for is a deep emotional intimacy and not a romantic relationship per se. Society tells us (and it's true to a certain degree for most people) that that level of emotional intimacy can only be achieved in a romantic relationship. As I get older, my friends begin to emotionally distance themselves from there. A few came to me crying that it's very strange that they had this deep emotional connection with me which they would usually reserve for their romantic partner. It confused them more because they weren't romantically interested in me. So what they did was they cut me off from their lives :( as soon as they found the whole package a.k.a romantic partner. Eh, it's painful, isn't it?

oh and my advice is to make friends with someone who's already in a long-term relationship. I have a few of them and they hang out with me on a regular basis and they appreciate friendships more because they are past that honeymoon stage. Stay away from those who go in and out of relationships all the time. They will cling onto you in between relationships and drop you the second they find a potential romantic partner.

You make a really good point in the first bolded bit there. And the fact that it's true for such a good number or people just makes it harder. It's also culturally "enforced" in lots of weird, unfair and lame ways. Even if I was getting the close connection I wanted with my best friend, can we ever hold hands? Or greet each other with a hug? No, because two guys doing that is just "gay". Jesus tap-dancing christ...

Realizing the lack of distinction I have between these things has really given me pause lately with respect to seriously considering how aromantic I might actually be. Unfortunately, it's the one thing I have a really hard time accepting about myself. Asexuality? Sure, I'll gladly take that. Gender differences? Explains a lot too, give it here. Aromanticism? I don't care how much it describes my experiences, keep it away from me! Definitely no disrespect to those who are aromantic. My...let's say fear of it is uniquely rooted in my life experiences to date. Maybe one day I'll accept it and be a better, happier person for it.

Eh, I almost always feel like a third wheel when trying to be friends with someone who's paired off. It's really hard for people to place equal value on a friend with even a post-honeymoon-phase romantic/sexual partner. Again though, might be resultant from society telling us that's the only way to get that connection with people. As I always say in these situations, c'est la vie.

Exactly, I had a really close squish once in high school. I loved holding hands with him, leaning on him and just being affectionate with him. Whenever we went out together, people thought we were a romantic couple. They put us in couple seats, compliment on how great we look together, etc. It's really annoying to be assumed that we couldn't affectionate and sensual with each other while being platonic.

Ah, I'm usually like the 9th wheel XD

[Isa]

Been there. We're taught since we are born, that the ideal way to live our lives is to find a partner, get married and make kids with them. Get a succesful job, a detached house with mortgage, car, maybe a couple of pets etc. In pretty much every movie and book there's a romantic couple and their goal is to live happily ever after. Shit keeps hitting the fan but once the couple gets each other, all is magically well. Pretty much everything is about romance and sex, and if they aren't, they're made so by viewers. Even if there was characters that are good friends, most of people go "they're soooo a couple!" Or in real life, if you openly show your affection to others, it's pretty often mistaken as romantic or sexual. I also dislike the way friendship is viewed as "just" friendship. Like it'd be somehow lesser thing compared to romantic love or sexual lust.

[EggplantWitch]

Been there. We're taught since we are born, that the ideal way to live our lives is to find a partner, get married and make kids with them. Get a succesful job, a detached house with mortgage, car, maybe a couple of pets etc. In pretty much every movie and book there's a romantic couple and their goal is to live happily ever after. Shit keeps hitting the fan but once the couple gets each other, all is magically well. Pretty much everything is about romance and sex, and if they aren't, they're made so by viewers. Even if there was characters that are good friends, most of people go "they're soooo a couple!" Or in real life, if you openly show your affection to others, it's pretty often mistaken as romantic or sexual. I also dislike the way friendship is viewed as "just" friendship. Like it'd be somehow lesser thing compared to romantic love or sexual lust.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that the cultural belief that romantic love is superior to all other forms of relationship is called amatonormativity? It's a big word, but just like heteronormativity (the cultural belief that everyone is or should be heterosexual) it really helps me explain to other people why I'm so angry - we can never escape it. Every book, every show, every movie, constantly shoving uneccessary side-plots down our throats. Even within the queer, non-heteronormative community I still can't get away from this big loud 'ROMANCE AND LOVE ARE SO PRECIOUS YOU CAN NEVER BE HAPPY WITHOUT IT' view being chucked in my face. A short trawl through any fanfiction archive would show you that.

I'm demiromantic, but I think 'fully' romantic people can suffer from amatonormativity just as much if not more. That's why they're so sad about being single. We're all raised in a society that believes romantic love is more sacred and special than friendship - which, as someone who's personally struggled for most of her life to make friends, is like a slap to the face. I love my friends. I need them to feel whole. And I think that a lot of people feel that way about romance, whether it's healthy or not.

[AceInhibitor]

I just wanted to see if I could post spoilers is all :P

[Lepord257]

I have a friend who is always complaining about being single or if she's in a relationship, about how complicated and frustrating relationships are. I end up tuning those conversations out for the most part, mostly because I just don't get why it's such a big deal.

[AceInhibitor]

I've never had any sort of strong drive for romantic connections, no, so I understand exactly what you mean. I'm not aromantic, and I can feel (strong) interest in someone that way, but in and of itself, having a relationship has never been a major need of mine, so I get tired of people who bitch about wanting a boyfriend/girlfriend so often that it sounds like they can find no value in being alive without one.

But I get that it's a thing. People are kinda wired to seek companionship. Some are just whiny and irritating about it.

Yeah. I guess I'm kind of the same when I see people who don't appear to have any friends. My friends mean a huge amount to me and I've heard people claim they don't want friends and I find that mindset hard to understand, in the same way my friends who are 'hopeless romantics' and feel happiest in a relationship, don't understand my aversion to being in a relationship.

[Star Inkbright]

Yeah. :/ I just feel like I'm on the other side of a glass wall in a way, like "Um. I have never felt what you're feeling so I have nothing to offer to this conversation. Sorry."

At least I can know why I don't get it and tell them so now, though. :P Before I would have just been nodding along thinking "I do not understand you at all help." :P
Fortunately, I'm with friends who don't tend to be obsessed with romantic or sexual things . . .

[AceInhibitor]

Yeah. :/ I just feel like I'm on the other side of a glass wall in a way, like "Um. I have never felt what you're feeling so I have nothing to offer to this conversation. Sorry."

At least I can know why I don't get it and tell them so now, though. :P Before I would have just been nodding along thinking "I do not understand you at all help." :P

Fortunately, I'm with friends who don't tend to be obsessed with romantic or sexual things . . .

One group of friends don't tend to do that, but a few of my other friends do, and I can't help but be a tiny bit hurt that just having friends isn't enough. It's like the anti-friendzone. Of course I know it's not their fault and everyone has different needs, but you know, the feeling's still there.

[Member54880]

For so long, I couldn't understand why so many people are upset when they're single, saying that they're lonely, despite having a circle of friends. It's like those friendships don't matter, and are merely a place-holder for a romantic relationship. I can't stand when someone abandons their friends upon finding a romantic partner, because those friendships are seen as disposable. And when they're the same people who are sad about being single, it's also hypocritical: Those friends who were there for the person when they were single apparently didn't matter. I can't stand the hypocrisy.

What's really lonely, is losing a circle of friends. I sympathize with those who posted saying they lost their friends due to them having romantic partners. Another side to this issue is that there are married couples lamenting the loss of social circles. Perhaps part of it is because of the time that marriage takes up, or I wonder if some of those people did take their friendships for granted, but didn't know how important those friendships were until they were gone. Sometimes people don't know the good things they had until they're gone.

I think that would be a lot less prevalent if it weren't for those social norms dictating that romantic relationships are the greatest source of emotional fulfillment for everyone, and devalue other relationships, including friendships.

[AceInhibitor]

For so long, I couldn't understand why so many people are upset when they're single, saying that they're lonely, despite having a circle of friends. It's like those friendships don't matter, and are merely a place-holder for a romantic relationship. I can't stand when someone abandons their friends upon finding a romantic partner, because those friendships are seen as disposable. And when they're the same people who are sad about being single, it's also hypocritical: Those friends who were there for the person when they were single apparently didn't matter. I can't stand the hypocrisy.

What's really lonely, is losing a circle of friends. I sympathize with those who posted saying they lost their friends due to them having romantic partners. Another side to this issue is that there are married couples lamenting the loss of social circles. Perhaps part of it is because of the time that marriage takes up, or I wonder if some of those people did take their friendships for granted, but didn't know how important those friendships were until they were gone. Sometimes people don't know the good things they had until they're gone.

I think that would be a lot less prevalent if it weren't for those social norms dictating that romantic relationships are the greatest source of emotional fulfillment for everyone, and devalue other relationships, including friendships.

I feel like the only relationship we're supposedly allowed to put above a romantic relationship is a relationship with any children we decide to have, but I think parents and siblings and the like are supposed to take a seat behind romantic ones. I haven't lost a circle of friends in a long time, fortunately. Well, not in a sudden way, anyway, but that was pretty rubbish. Taught me to always have several circles so you're less likely to be left friendless.

[helana12_03]

I love being single!! I actually kind of feel like there's something wrong with me when I'm not single, because it feels awkward and unnatural. Most of my friends feel better when they're not single.

[Star Inkbright]

Yeah. :/ I just feel like I'm on the other side of a glass wall in a way, like "Um. I have never felt what you're feeling so I have nothing to offer to this conversation. Sorry."

At least I can know why I don't get it and tell them so now, though. :P Before I would have just been nodding along thinking "I do not understand you at all help." :P

Fortunately, I'm with friends who don't tend to be obsessed with romantic or sexual things . . .

One group of friends don't tend to do that, but a few of my other friends do, and I can't help but be a tiny bit hurt that just having friends isn't enough. It's like the anti-friendzone. Of course I know it's not their fault and everyone has different needs, but you know, the feeling's still there.

I know what you mean. :/

[WinterCrow]

I only feel the urge to enter a romantic relationship every once in a while - usually when my friends are all in relationships and telling me how wonderful it is. Sometimes it happens when I'm distanced from my friends for awhile, like when I went to college. This urge will probably hit me again soon, considering that I just moved a few states away from all of my friends (including one who had only recently moved back - talk about bad timing!).

My mind seems to be of the opinion that being in a romantic relationship will basically be the same as having a really close friend, only I get to call them mine and I won't become any less important to them because of a romantic relationship.

Meh . . . I'll figure it out eventually ^_^

[Mona Lisa]

I do feel really bad and down if I don't feel like I'm getting enough close intimate connections (typically with friends)... they will almost immediately drop me like a bad habit when they end up in a romantic relationship of their own. ... Over the years, I've basically lost every one of my friendships this way, and it's absolutely heartbreaking every time :(

∧ Story of my life!

I understand that romantic relationships are priority for some people, but having a significant other is no excuse to neglect your friendships. I don't believe that good friends are "placeholders" for deep human connections. Part of it is the friends you choose; the other part is society dictating what people should think is important (love over friendship).

[Francoise Wang]

I'm asexual, but I'm hyperromantic, which means I'm very easily attracted to people. And although I think feeling romantic attraction is different from needing romantic relationship (just like the difference between sexual attraction and sex drive), but I also have a high need for romantic relationship. I don't know whether I could live without romantic relationship for my whole life.

I think a major reason that I need romantic relationship so much is that I have a huge difficulty in socializing, so I tend to rely on my family and romantic partner for all my social needs. I don't know how to contact with other human beings properly, so I would feel totally isolated when I don't have a romantic partner to stay beside me. But I think it's not really a good reason to enter a romantic relationship.

Sometimes I really wish that I were aromantic, I think my life would be much easier if I don't have the need for romantic relationship. Being asexual and needing romantic relationship at the same time is definitely a difficult and problematic situation. But I think with my difficulty in socializing, I would still feel lonely if I were aromantic.

[Raine14]

Nope, can't empathize. Rather, I have a very hard time not rolling my eyes whenever someone starts bemoaning their single existence. Now, with that said, getting dumped is a different story. I'll break out the ice cream and cookie dough for that and let whomever cry on my shoulder. But being sad just for being single? It's like speaking a foreign language to me. I'm definitely a romantic asexual, but even when I'm with a guy that I absolutely adore, the idea of living life without him (or anyone, for that matter) sounds wonderful! I can make my own hours, stay up late watching movies of my choice, eat all the cookies in the jar when and if I feel like it, cook a full course dinner if I want or simply chow down on toast instead, sing at the top of my lungs, spend an entire day curled up on the couch with a good book . . . . I do feel that draw for romantic companionship, but it is not a need or even an overwhelming desire.

The worst thing I find instead of bumbling through an empathy session is when new acquaintances go on and on about their partner, wait for me to reciprocate, and then promptly stare at me with sorrow-filled eyes as they awkwardly offer condolences and encouragement after hearing that I am single. I mean, really? Way to make me feel that something is wrong with being single! And to think I was having such a grand time of it too before you came along!

[bittersweet988]

Most people (especially women) just can't stand to be alone. They would do anything to get a partner. I can understand them in a way because I also feel like having someone who loves you just makes you feel better (I have been in both situations and can say without a doubt that having somebody is better than being single). Unlike them, I can still enjoy being single, though, and I am not that desperate. I don't do anything to meet people, so chances are I'll never have another boyfriend.

[SorryNotSorry]

No, I don't feel out of it. I empathize with them, even if what they want in a partner is diametrically opposite to what I want in a partner.

[fiveofspades]

I'm in the same boat. I've had a boyfriend before and we did some intimate stuff (not sex but got some intimacy), which I wouldn't ever think of doing to any of my platonic friends. But for some reason, I didn't find my romantic partner more special than my closest friends. I actually feel happier around my friends even if I've never been intimate with them.

Maybe, I just didn't have much in common with my boyfriend at that time aside from the fact that we both saw each other romantically (the urge to do intimate stuff with him is there). However, the thing is, I don't have much of an urge to do intimate stuff so I'd rather hang out with my friends who fulfills my greater desire for good companionship. ^_^

[WearingItLikeArmor]

When I was with my extended family about a month ago, they asked me about my romantic life. I'm not out about being ace, btw. When I said that there was nothing going on, they reacted by saying something along the lines of "so your love life is unfortunately nonexistent, right?" I agreed, but I felt awkward as hell because I don't think there's anything unfortunate about me being single. So it's not exactly the same thing, but my family all expected me to be upset about not having a romantic partner. I'm just... not. My friends, at least, aren't the kind to complain about having no romantic partners.

[Ruqiah]

Been there. We're taught since we are born, that the ideal way to live our lives is to find a partner, get married and make kids with them. Get a succesful job, a detached house with mortgage, car, maybe a couple of pets etc. In pretty much every movie and book there's a romantic couple and their goal is to live happily ever after. Shit keeps hitting the fan but once the couple gets each other, all is magically well. Pretty much everything is about romance and sex, and if they aren't, they're made so by viewers. Even if there was characters that are good friends, most of people go "they're soooo a couple!" Or in real life, if you openly show your affection to others, it's pretty often mistaken as romantic or sexual. I also dislike the way friendship is viewed as "just" friendship. Like it'd be somehow lesser thing compared to romantic love or sexual lust.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that the cultural belief that romantic love is superior to all other forms of relationship is called amatonormativity? It's a big word, but just like heteronormativity (the cultural belief that everyone is or should be heterosexual) it really helps me explain to other people why I'm so angry - we can never escape it. Every book, every show, every movie, constantly shoving uneccessary side-plots down our throats. Even within the queer, non-heteronormative community I still can't get away from this big loud 'ROMANCE AND LOVE ARE SO PRECIOUS YOU CAN NEVER BE HAPPY WITHOUT IT' view being chucked in my face. A short trawl through any fanfiction archive would show you that.

I'm demiromantic, but I think 'fully' romantic people can suffer from amatonormativity just as much if not more. That's why they're so sad about being single. We're all raised in a society that believes romantic love is more sacred and special than friendship - which, as someone who's personally struggled for most of her life to make friends, is like a slap to the face. I love my friends. I need them to feel whole. And I think that a lot of people feel that way about romance, whether it's healthy or not.

EggplantWitch, this is what I've felt as well. People have always been complaining to me, for years, that they are single and that "no one will ever love them." So their friends and family mean nothing to them? I mean nothing to them? Gee, that's nice to know. But anyways, I have never really got this mentality of "HAVE to have someone or i'll die." I've gotten that from people, who feel like they will die without someone. It truly baffles me, because while I wouldn't mind trying to date someone in the distant future, I don't want to end my life over it not happening. I wouldn't think that my life is hopeless and worthless without a boyfriend. And yet I know people who do think like that, and I'm always confused by them. I probably end up making them feel worse with my lack of caring over their love / dating problems. From the way I look at it, why can't they be happy with the friends and family that they already have? And they tend to be young too "teen or 20 something) so it's not like they won't have time to meet someone.

[Lady Bookwyrm]

Even before I knew what asexuality was, or identified with the label, I used to get frustrated with my friends who were whiny about not having a boyfriend, or struggling to make relationships work when they went through rough patches. I always thought (and still think) that I would much rather be single and happy than in a relationship with someone I don't love just for the sake of Being In A Relationship. But then I'm a loner in general, so my view might be skewed.

[Robin L]

Moved from Asexual Musings and Rantings to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations
Robin L, Moderator