Compromise alternative

[Xanderful]

Hi all, I have been reading on here before, but first post here. I am in a marriage of 8 years. Sex was always fairly infrequent, as in maybe once a month. This suited me fine. When it did happen she would have multiple orgasms and was genuinely into it. We split in 2012, I had a fling with another woman shortly after that. We decided ti get back together and the sex was gear. She couldn't get enough. Then she just went cold. I cookung touch her and she didn't want sex at all. It has now been two years and it's destroying me. I've tried everything and she says that we will return to a sexual relationship, but I feel this makes her uncomfortable. I'm a very sexually charged person, but I have remained faithful. But essentially I am not prepared to be celibate. I can't erase that from my life, it hurts too much.

Anyhow, here is the part that you may judge me for. I'm prepared that she may be uncomfortable with sex long term. So I thought of a solution while remaining faithful. I have a rather strong foot fetish. I don't know why, but I just do. To me, kissing, licking, ducking etc of clean female feet can replace actual sex. It is just as satisfying to me. So my idea is to try and explore that with my wife. If I were to engage in foot fetish activity with her I could be completely fulfilled without actual sex. Yes I realise how strange that sounds.

So my question is, how do I approach this and explore it? She enjoys a foot massage, but I have never taken it further. To my knowledge she doesn't know about this fetish. About two weeks ago I gave her a foot massage and become very aroused just by touching them. She is uncomfortable discussing things of a sexual nature, so I would have to tread carrefully. Does anyone believe this could be a realistic compromise? She is noy asexual as far as I know, unless she suddenly just turned that way, which I didn't think you could after actually enjoying sex in the past. But if she is and if sex will always be something she will avoid, I need to meet my primal needs somehow, I can't be completely celibate. Is there a way to make this work? If I could do what I am suggesting I would have no need to cheat or have sex with her. She would have regular foot massages and attention. I would be sexually satisfied. Any ideas on how to go about this? I'm rather frightened to get it off my chest, but the thought of doing this is very satisfying to me.

[Loki]

If you have a hard time having a discussion with her about sex, what about a couples therapy to help facilicate the conversation?

Or her having Therapy as it sounds like a mental roadblock is stopping her from engaging in sexual activity or discussing about it and can figure out why it's happening?

Have to get to the root of it before emotionally scarring her if she's that sensitive of sexual things.

[Guest]

Why would we judge you for a fetish? It's perfectly natural and a foot fetish is one of the most common ones. Don't be ashamed of your fetish. Embrace it. :) I assure you, there are a lot of fetishes on this forum that make yours look tame.

Now, how to approach it? Just be honest. Be open. And ask her if it is OK to act out this fetish with her. Explain how you feel and how it's important that you get some sort of sexual satisfaction, but it doesn't have to be actual sex. It's possible she could be grey-a, or demi, or just have a low libido. Sometimes people aren't really that into sex. So, she may be accepting of an alternative to sex that would still please you.

If that doesn't work, perhaps you could ask her what you two could do to settle this incompatibility. Maybe she'd be OK with you acting out the fetish with other people if not with her. Just, talk, talk and talk some more until you find something that works. And if you do not, there is no shame in admitting you need something she cannot provide and ending things. If at any point relationships do not have all the NEEDS in them, it's OK to end them.

[whitesphere]

I don't think anyone can "turn" asexual, but from what I've heard, when couples are in their "honeymoon" phase, sexual activity can be far more intense and frequent than once the relationship has entered the next phase. I would say maybe she doesn't have a high libido (but is sexual), but the abrupt 180 makes me think there are some deeper emotional issues at work here.

I'd definitely recommend couples counseling, since it's not fair for one person to have his/her needs met and the other not to.