Looking for advice from sexuals on mechanics - TMI

[Guest]

Ok, this is gonna sound weird but...

I just started a new exercise routine that is cardio+strength. It's rather tiring and every other day. One day workout, one day rest your muscles, one day work out, etc. However, I am finding performing sexual stuff rather... difficult. My muscles are sore from being worked in ways they aren't used to, with weights combined with cardio (I usually just do cardio). And sex is making them scream about being overworked, making the "rest day" not very restful and the "work out days" too intensive with both combined.

My partner likes oral to last 20-40 minutes, with rigorous arm movements the entire time. Or sex to be some weird contortionist positions where my thighs are being worked out the entire time, to the point they are usually sore afterwards to begin with. And my thighs are the part that are sore the most from this new workout.

How on earth do people manage to do both and not be in pain? What am I missing? o.O Right now after sex my muscles end up feeling like jelly because of trying to do both.

[binary suns]

[Guest]

WARNING: extreme TMI + possible TW for anyone who doesn't want to read about sex.

I am not sexual, but I know aaaaall about pain with sex. Not just in muscles after working out (had exactly the same experiences as you have described) but also extreme pain inside my vagina from a condition called vestibulodyna, combined with repeated prolonged penetration (sometimes up to 40 minutes twice a day from my ex as well as having to be penetrated by other men too for my ex)

As I have discussed with you before, my ex would never allow for 'just oral' ..it always had to start with oral and be finished with full sex (no exceptions) I have had to give him oral for long periods of time though with bitten/split tongue, split lips, sore neck muscles etc, sprained wrist etc.. so I've had to deal with all kinds of bodily pain while trying to meet my ex's sexual needs (and had 5 years to experiment with different ways to deal with that pain)

How on earth do people manage to do both and not be in pain?

My advice? Either leave lol (not an option for you I know, as you love him and are happy etc) refuse sex (I also know from my own experience that this really cannot be an option sometimes) oooor... painkillers, lots of them, about an hour before sex. I'd take about 4 around an hour before I was going to have to have sex if I knew it was going to be particularly painful, and drink a few beers or a glass of wine, and that would loosen my muscles and dull the pain enough to make it almost 'bearable'. Alcohol really is helpful along with the painkillers, for muscle pain especially, because it helps relax and warm the muscles. Just one beer or glass of wine (with painkillers) can be enough even with more severe pain, however of course mixing the two together long term (like I did) is not healthy. If it's just a few weeks until you have adjusted to your workout routine though, you should be fine. And painkillers on their own may be enough without alcohol, just make sure you take them long enough before sex that they have time to kick in, but not so long that they wear off before you have sex :o

You could request easier positions for you also; explain your pain etc and see if you partner will let you just lie there with your legs open, maybe your thighs propped on pillows, while he does all the work, to try to give you a break, but I understand this also is often not an option for some people (again, having been there myself) who have particularly demanding partners. But if he did agree to that, that would be able to help you experience less pain in your muscles until your body is used to the work-out routine.

Honesty, painkillers (and alcohol if possible) before sex really were the only thing that ever helped ease any pain (muscle pain, wound pain, bone pain, and actual vaginal/vulva pain) for me during sex.

Hope that helps?

What am I missing? o.O

I know for some people, arousal and sexual enjoyment actually help dull pain. Arousal and sexual pleasure relaxes the muscles and releases hormones that help sort of loosen everything up and make pain seem less painful at the time. My ex could still have sex with 3 broken ribs, and while the sex was happening he wouldn't even feel the pain - whereas if he was just watching TV he would be in agony just from having to cough, I have known women who have the same experience ie if they are aroused they can have anal sex without pain but if they are not aroused it feels like they are having their insides torn out oow

I know that 'physically enjoying the sex' isn't an option for you (certainly wasn't for me) but yeah, its just interesting to note that for some people sex itself is a natural painkiller.

Also just to be clear, I am fully aware that your partner is probably nothing like my ex, just trying to give examples of why painkillers were necessary for me, and why they may help you ^_^

Anyway, good luck

EDIT: I just re-read that to check for typos.. all I can say is praise the powers that be I now have an asexual partner. I forgot how much effort it was for me trying to keep my ex satisfied sexually (and emotionally, because for him sexual satisfaction was emotional satisfaction)... These days all I have to do is give my ace darling plenty of cyber cuddles and he and I are both completely satisfied heh

[MoraDollie]

Everyone is bad at sex the first many times, anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. It's just a matter of regular physical activity, repeating motions, etc... Since sex is a high-energy activity, your body will need time to adjust to such rigorous activity (high heart beat, more breaths, etc...)

[Guest]

"WHAT IS HAPPENING. THAT'S... WTF. THAT'S CRAZY. THAT'S... WAIT WHAT? NOT OK."

Hi guys, just live-posting my partner's response to this thread.

Fictosaurus, I'd like to apologize on behalf of all sexuals for your ex.

[Sally]

"My partner likes oral to last 20-40 minutes, with rigorous arm movements the entire time."

I don't understand what's involved there but it sounds incredibly painful. 40 minutes?!? Geezus.

[Guest]

Everyone is bad at sex the first many times, anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. It's just a matter of regular physical activity, repeating motions, etc... Since sex is a high-energy activity, your body will need time to adjust to such rigorous activity (high heart beat, more breaths, etc...)

The OP has began a new vigorous workout routine, which (due to the pain in her muscles) is causing her to experience muscle pain during sex (which her partner evidently likes to be rather rigorous, prolonged, and seems to require quite a bit of bodily contortion etc) .. she was looking for advice and info on how to deal with the pain (sore muscles from her workout) while having sex with her long-term partner.

I'm not sure if maybe you misread her original post? She sounds like she's actually quite 'good' at sex (has a lot of practice with her partner, knows what he wants etc) as opposed to being 'bad' as you suggested (?) she is just currently experiencing a lot of pain during sex, due to her workout routine being rather strenuous. Though yes, once her body has adjusted to the new workout-routine, her muscles should be less sore, so she should go back to being able to experience relatively pain-free sex again.

"WHAT IS HAPPENING. THAT'S... WTF. THAT'S CRAZY. THAT'S... WAIT WHAT? NOT OK."

Hi guys, just live-posting my partner's response to this thread.

Fictosaurus, I'd like to apologize on behalf of all sexuals for your ex.

I'm just happy to be with my ace partner now ^_^ I think it's awesome that some people can make asexual/sexual relationships work though! I understand that very, very few people would treat their partner like my ex treated me, and the ones that do, I think it's more because they are evil maniacs than anything to do with them being sexual or asexual or anything in between heh

"My partner likes oral to last 20-40 minutes, with rigorous arm movements the entire time."

I don't understand what's involved there but it sounds incredibly painful. 40 minutes?!? Geezus.

Yeah, giving oral for extended lengths of time can be very painful on the mouth, jaw and neck (and arm/hand/wrist) even without being previously sore from a workout! I say again, painkillers! they can make things at least a little easier ^_^

[Sally]

Unfortunately, painkillers can also give you stomach ulcers.

[Guest]

Unfortunately, painkillers can also give you stomach ulcers.

If the OP was to try painkillers, she would only need to until her body has adjusted to her new work-out routine, which hopefully won't be long. I took them for 5 years, with alcohol, and never had a stomach ulcer, though I would never advise anyone to take them for that long, I just didn't know any better at the time (I did know that long-term use of painkillers can be/is harmful. In this case 'knowing better' = leaving ex earlier)

[Guest]

"My partner likes oral to last 20-40 minutes, with rigorous arm movements the entire time."

I don't understand what's involved there but it sounds incredibly painful. 40 minutes?!? Geezus.

Erm. Well, you know those spring loaded hand exercising things? Think squeezing on one of those about halfway closed while moving your hand up and down for 20-40 minutes nearly non-stop.

My arms are used to it, so it doesn't usually hurt, but atm my muscles are already kinda tired out so adding that in, just ow. :lol:

Hrm, Pan, while tylenol or something like that might help, I try to not even take drugs when I have a headache unless it's really bad. Every time you talk about your ex, I want to go over there and just slap him. :o

So, seems like I am either missing 1) A partner that is not as hard to please (this one is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay harder than the last 3) 2) Enjoyment of sex or 3) Drugs ... 1 and 2 aren't happening and 3 isn't something I wanna do.

I guess I could see if there are any positions he is OK with that are nicer on me.

He likes "doggy style", which is easy, but that's usually his "finish" position and he always wants things like...my legs wrapped around each other, with my knees on my chest between us putting me in "ball" position or my ankles on his shoulders and legs totally straight. Which are such odd positions to get my body into to begin with! Though, even missionary makes my legs hurt after a bit... and it's like sex is never a 5-6 minute thing like people say the average is around 7 minutes, his average is more like 15-40 minutes. I actually have used a stop clock to time it a few times cause it just seemed so long.

I know he's not OK with stopping sex til my muscles get used to the new workout.

"My partner likes oral to last 20-40 minutes, with rigorous arm movements the entire time."

I don't understand what's involved there but it sounds incredibly painful. 40 minutes?!? Geezus.

I had no clue it was possible for oral to last that long. For real? I'd be telling them to finish the job themselves.

Haha a few nights ago I put a stop watch on before we started, under the guise of "putting my tablet in the floor so it wouldn't be in the way" and it was 41m... with no foreplay to even make it longer.

[Lady Girl]

From personal experience...a new workout routine can take two or three weeks to adjust to (as in, it doesn't hurt anymore when you're not doing it). I don't know how long you've been doing it, but if it's been a week or a little more, you're probably halfway to having the pain ease up.

[iamphoenixfire]

Wow. I don't even mind giving oral (although it's been ages since I've done so), but uhhh... yeah... no. 41 minutes is probably about 21 minutes past my limit. Also I'm not sure how a guy even lasts that long...

Same. I have given oral once. and the guy lasted maybe 10 minutes.

as for the pain. it happens. i'm a virgin, but ive had some pretty heated makeout sessions in my day, ones that have left me very tired. The best thing is to do what everyone here says and find a groove to it. also, communication. try and find a position where you and your partner are both comfortable. because if you're not comfortable then it isn't (or shouldn't be) more fun for him. sex is partially about receiving and partially about giving. depending on how important those things are to a person, one can be in a mixed relationship.

but you also have to remember that it is okay to break up with a person and have sex as a reason. some people aren't really sexually compatible. their grooves don't fit just right. and there is nothing wrong with that.

also, massages after you have sex. it's a great idea. you can feel tense and sore, and it also acts to increase intimacy between you and your partner in a way that isnt necessarily sexual.

TMI here:

also do you orgasm when the two of you do anything? Because if you are okay with that orgasms can relax a lot of the muscles in your body and are so helpful. but only if you are comfortable with them;

[Guest]

So, seems like I am either missing 1) A partner that is not as hard to please (this one is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay harder than the last 3) 2) Enjoyment of sex or 3) Drugs ... 1 and 2 aren't happening and 3 isn't something I wanna do.

Option 4: grit your teeth and bear it? :(

Hopefully he'll at least be open to an easier position for you.

Spoiler contains some easy position suggestions (which you are probably already aware of anyway) and a few fully clothed pics.

Could you just lie flat on your stomach, and he get on with business from behind? I don't mean, erm... in the ''back door'' ..I just mean vaginal sex from behind while you lie on your belly (or side) and think happy thoughts? Lying on your belly, you could prop a pillow under your hips/groin area, so your bum is further up in the air and he has better access to your 'nether-regions,' but you just get to relax(ish) ..missionary can be painful having to keep your thighs open for a long time (like I said, my ex was also a 40ish minute guy - though he could go aaall night if he felt like it, without orgasming <_<) but if you can just lie on your belly then it takes pressure off a lot of your muscles

sorry couldn't find a female doing it haha, but you lie like that, pillow under your hips, and he gets on with business.

or

again with him behind you, so he can get on with it, without you experiencing too much discomfort.

I personally think that if he won't accept this compromise (you still letting him have sex with you, but you relaxing your muscles while he does it) then he's a jerk. Sorry, I know after my ex I really don't have the right to say any man is a jerk, but really, he should cut you some slack!

It sounds like he's asking a lot from you not letting you have a break while you're sore from your workout, that really sucks, but if he could try to let you relax while he does it, at least that would be something. I can't really pass judgment on this situation, but I would definitely prefer it if he could be taking your feelings into account and understand that you are in pain. In my ideal world, he would let you relax.. bring you cups of tea and massage your sore muscles for you, instead of.. well.. expecting you to be a sexual gymnast while you are so sore :o (sadly though, this is the real world, not the fantasy world in my head <_<)

EDIT:

Every time you talk about your ex, I want to go over there and just slap him.

He's in jail now, for a longer lag than any of the others he's done (he's done a lot).. hopefully that's enough to show him the error of his ways

[binary suns]

[Guest]

ARGH. My bird is intent on deleting all my posts tonight before I can press post! Someone tell him the F5 key is a BAD landing pad when he wants to jump! lol

From personal experience...a new workout routine can take two or three weeks to adjust to (as in, it doesn't hurt anymore when you're not doing it). I don't know how long you've been doing it, but if it's been a week or a little more, you're probably halfway to having the pain ease up.

Been doing it about a week, one day on, one day off, as the instructor says to do. I let myself get pretty badly out of shape, because it's just so tempting to sit around doing nothing when you're out of work and not in school anymore...

@ Phoenix - I actually find orgasms nearly as unpleasant as muscle cramps. And when he tries to massage me, he can't control his hand strength, so I end up going "ow, ow, softer" and get more tense than anything. haha Of course, he says I can't put enough strength into it when I try to massage him, so mismatch is pretty extreme in massaging too. :D

@Pan - One of those may work. His thing is

he wants to be really deep cause he says it feels better and it takes him longer if he doesn't get as much penetration. So, he likes the positions where my legs are not "in the way" ...

I haven't talked to him yet about my muscles being so sore, cause I wanted to find a solution first. He is one of those "I don't care how much I am hurt, sex will make it better!" people, so he wouldn't even think about someone not wanting sex if they were tired, or sore, or stressed, or upset, or sick... it's like a huge surprise to him when I go "It's 3am, I am tired, no go to bed". *sigh* One time he hurt his foot so badly he could barely put weight on it, it was all wrapped up, me touching it made him wince... but he totally used it to brace against the headboard during sex, like it wasn't hurt at all. *shakes head* I guess it's good to have an escape from pain like that, but it cannot be good for healing injuries!

[Guest]

One time he hurt his foot so badly he could barely put weight on it, it was all wrapped up, me touching it made him wince... but he totally used it to brace against the headboard during sex, like it wasn't hurt at all. *shakes head* I guess it's good to have an escape from pain like that, but it cannot be good for healing injuries!

Me and your fella have that in common.

[Guest]

@Pan - One of those may work. His thing is

he wants to be really deep cause he says it feels better and it takes him longer if he doesn't get as much penetration. So, he likes the positions where my legs are not "in the way" ...

The pillow under the hips, belly down, is an extremely deep position, the more pillows, the deeper he can go, while you still relax, so he may be into that?

Powerful deep penetration positions:

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/sean-jameson/deep-penetration#.VJEcGCuUcX8

It's ''the jockey'' on that list, but with pillows under your hips to make it easier. you can have your legs together or apart, whatever is more comfortable, and he can get very deep. And hey, according to cosmo, it's also ''guaranteed to give the woman a mind-blowing orgasm'' (eye roll) haha... but yeah, it's meant to be really good for guys who like it deep, and you really don't have to do anything but lie there (as long as you can handle deep penetration of course, some women find it unbearable due to the pounding the cervix can get)

One time he hurt his foot so badly he could barely put weight on it, it was all wrapped up, me touching it made him wince... but he totally used it to brace against the headboard during sex, like it wasn't hurt at all. *shakes head* I guess it's good to have an escape from pain like that, but it cannot be good for healing injuries!

Yeah that was same as my ex.. even with three broken ribs he could happily have sex all night, but if he was just lying on the couch he would bitch and moan about all the pain he was in .. lol

[binary suns]

[Arctangent]

Unfortunately, painkillers can also give you stomach ulcers.

If the OP was to try painkillers, she would only need to until her body has adjusted to her new work-out routine, which hopefully won't be long. I took them for 5 years, with alcohol, and never had a stomach ulcer, though I would never advise anyone to take them for that long, I just didn't know any better at the time (I did know that long-term use of painkillers can be/is harmful. In this case 'knowing better' = leaving ex earlier)

Taking painkillers with alcohol can also be very hard on the liver... I hope it wasn't acetaminophen (Tylenol) you were taking, because the combined use of that particular pain medication with alcohol is thought to be one of the biggest causes of liver damage. In any case, it's fortunate (in more ways than one) that you're out of that situation now.

I don't really have any new suggestions for the OP, since I've never been in that situation... I can't imagine having to give a handjob for 20-40 minutes. :o To me, it seems pretty reasonable to try new positions that put less strain on your muscles until you adjust to your workout at least. It's not like you'd be asking him to abstain from sex entirely in that case.

[Guest]

have you tried the sideways from behind position? you can tuck your legs up, and then there's something in spooning that just IMO made everything easier, no clue if it would really work but if pan is correct then that would be a way to let him get deep while not putting as much pressure on your sore muscles

TMI Spoiler contains descriptions of sex:

My experience of sideways from behind was never that deep (thankfully, because for me, the deeper, the more it hurts) but it really depends on the angle the man gets the woman's butt in, plus the length of the mans penis. It's good for the female being able to relax in that position (for women who do enjoy sex, she can also stimulate her clitoris with her free hand) though I found not only did I certainly not enjoy it, I'd end up with a sore hip and shoulder from lying on my side for so long, by the time he was finished. (EDIT: other than that though, I didn't have to put any actual effort in, which was great)

The deepest position out of the suggestions I gave, is the old man with the pillow one haha. That's an extremely deep position, and I know people who like it deep do very much like that position. Having done it, I can attest to the fact that it is far too deep for my liking, though in saying that... I never liked any sexual position so I'm probably not the best judge :P

[Guest]

TMI

The thing with the pillow I am worried about is there is a spot inside, I guess the part of the cervix furthest away from the opening, that hurts like crazy if touched at all. Even putting a menstrual cup in, if it bumps that spot, makes me feel like a needle piercing my skin. So, certain angles I can do, others I can't. Kind of hit and miss with deep positions :(

And why on earth did I just have to tell my tablet yes I meant menstrual not natural? *slaps it*

[binary suns]

[Guest]

No, not about my stomach. ERM how to explain. Put a finger in your mouth , then twist your head. Your head angle changes where your finger puts the most pressure. My body combined with the angle his goes at changes where the most pressure ends up. In some angles, it is just really painful. Others, not painful. It is hard to judge though. So, can't ever know til I try.

[Alan Degas]

Do you ever get on top? Like, cowgirl or whatever they call it? I know that means you would actually do the work but I personally don't find being on top to be hard on my muscles because I'm basically just grinding and it's not like that requires a lot of work. Plus it gives good control of depth and angle. I work out too and sometimes have sore muscles. I'd definitely rather sit "cowgirl" than have my leg pulled in any weird position

Though it might work different if your dude is circumcised since I guess that makes him more likely to need stronger movement and more, uh, in and out action... which would suck for you when you're already sore, so I not really an option.

Also, if you aren't already, you might wanna learn to stretch properly after work out. I personally find that if I take the time to properly stretch, I'm way less likely to feel any pain.

[binary suns]

[Tarfeather]

41 minutes is probably about 21 minutes past my limit. Also I'm not sure how a guy even lasts that long...

Heh, that last part made me giggle.

TMI Warning: 40 minutes seems normal to me, "long" sessions end up with me wondering where those 120 minutes just went.. In fiction I often hear about women complaining that their partner didn't last long enough, either that's made up or I'm unusual.

OP: I really don't get why you'd have sex if it literally hurts you. Personally, that'd be the last thing I'd want to do to my partner.

[Guest]

41 minutes is probably about 21 minutes past my limit. Also I'm not sure how a guy even lasts that long...

Heh, that last part made me giggle.

TMI Warning: 40 minutes seems normal to me, "long" sessions end up with me wondering where those 120 minutes just went.. In fiction I often hear about women complaining that their partner didn't last long enough, either that's made up or I'm unusual.

OP: I really don't get why you'd have sex if it literally hurts you. Personally, that'd be the last thing I'd want to do to my partner.

My experience is that guys greatly vary, with more people falling in the "greater than 20 mins" category.

And, I know I say this more often than I should, but... i couldn't agree more with Tarfeather. If your partner doesn't care that you're in pain, in what possible way can it be said he cares about you?

[Guest]

The thread is labeled TMI, so I am not going to spoiler all the TMI bits -----

I haven't brought up the fact my muscles are so sore yet, I wanted to find some way around it other than "lets just not have sex for a couple of weeks" before I brought it up. Even going three days without sex makes it look like when he's trying to quit nicotine - he becomes stressed out, cranky and will bite off anyones head. I told him no to oral a few times cause my arms were just too tired out for all that, so we did sex instead. But, then sex was hurting my legs, so I was like "Ergh" and came to see if anyone had ideas. :D So, it's not like he's dismissed the idea of being nicer, it's just... I wanted to try to bring him ideas on how to do that before I came to him and when he asks what to do about it, I could have more than *shrug* as an answer (which wouldn't really be helpful at all).

For the angle issue with pain, we don't do the positions that hurt, but I never know what position will when we try a new one... cause I can never tell what's going to hit that stupid spot in my body. It's like instant, bad pain if it gets touched. But, it's waaaaaay at the back (like, if you are putting a menstrual cup in, the very, very back of the ring touches it if you push it in too far) so it's possible to avoid with proper angling... it just means a few positions I can't do, because there is no way to shift to avoid it. Otherwise, doing things like tightening certain muscles or angling my hips further down/up can shift the angle enough that it doesn't hurt.

It took about 3 months to get to the point we could have sex without pain, when we first got together, cause every time we had sex I actually bled nearly every time. He's a lot bigger than any of my previous partners and requires a lot more friction to reach orgasm than any of them did, if he were to have sex with me without holding himself back, he would probably still hurt/make me bleed. It's not really something I can ask most sexuals about, cause they're always like "Wait, he's large? And lasts nearly an hour? And will go fast/hard? SEND HIM TO ME!" ... which isn't helpful. So, we had to do trial/error where he figured out how to hold back and I figured out how to gain enough control over kegel muscles and body position to make it work. Which, was really complicated, when before it had always just been "penis go in, move a little, done" with my previous partners.

And Lukar - Yes he is circumcised. I've heard that can make things a little less sensitive.

The on top thing is a huge workout for me, because he's actually so physically large my knees don't even really touch the bed. So, it's mainly my arms doing half-pushups to go in/out, rather than being allowed to use my legs, since they are just kinda an inch off the bed and my pelvis is resting on him. And it has to be full motion penetration, as in nearly all the way out and then down to deep penetration for him to orgasm, light action doesn't even do it, so A LOT of work haha... usually you can just use your legs to "push off" so it's not as bad, but I am not tall enough for my legs to reach with his body size! My exes I could do that and just use my knees.

OK, Pan, I agree with you - sex really is a lot of effort :lol: Geez, this thread makes the amount of planning I have to put into it seem really complex. It's actually at a point I barely even think about what I am doing anymore, except when trying to explain to other people.

I shall try to bring up this topic with him today, probably.

[binary suns]

[Martin de V]

My wife's lucky, I guess. I'm pretty average, and it doesn't take me very long to finish unless I'm feeling fetishy, and then the time and work is all semi-complex foreplay anyway.

I agree with LG, Serran. I think time getting used to the new workout routine will heal most of the issues you're facing. And it's nice to hear that your partner actually does take you and your issues seriously. I know I've had some disparaging things to say, but I'm also notoriously judgmental.