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Aromantic relationships - possible?


A Perfect Square

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A Perfect Square

Hey everyone. This is going to sound super silly, but I will ask anyway. I was wondering if there are any other aromantic aces out there are/have been in a romantic relationship? If so, how did you deal with the relationship, and have you experienced any problems keeping it afloat?

I am asking this namely out of sheer curiosity, but also because I have recently been asked out by two people. While I was seriously complimented (these two people are incredible individuals and I absolutely adore them), I rejected them on the base of my aromanticism. Both have been fine with it and now understand that I am asexual, but... a small part of me is wondering if my move was foolish. Also, I am wondering if my decision was based on any misconceptions I have regarding my own romantic identity. I have never felt the need to be in a relationship with anyone and while I love affection (possibly my biggest problem here), and I don't need a relationship to make me happy. Still, part of me is wondering if I missed out by saying "no"... does that make sense at all?

What are your thoughts? Maybe I am missing something here, so please don't be afraid to point it/them out if I am...

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Well, we have to learn from life. That is the choices we make good or bad. They all lead to something else. It was a good idea to reject them. I find it hard for myself to believe that I could be happy with someone who is an romantic. For me the whole idea of romance stresses me out. Thus being in a relationship with someone who is romantic or even sensual or demi-sexual or what have you at least for me it would not work. Personally I have a lot of issue relating to other that might be my problem. In short just be open with them and yourself.

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The Great WTF

I'm aromantic. My partner is not. It... works, in a weird way. He still can't quite wrap his head around me not being romantically attached to him (I think he has a harder time processing that than my asexuality, honestly, which I can at least partially blame on his mother raising him on those godsawful romantic comedies and Nicholas Sparks movies) but he knows I love him in my own way.

But, tangent aside, never go out with someone because you feel obligated to. If you connect with someone, enjoy their company, etc. then go ahead and give it a shot, but be honest with them from the start. With a lot of people, the lack of reciprocal romantic feelings can be even more difficult than sexual ones.

I'd recommend poking around the romantic identities forum for a bit. It might help you get a better grasp of your own identity and what you want.

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What I think is what's the point of an aromantic being in a relationship with a romantic? Its basically friendship to one person and a romantic partner to another. So if both arn't on the same level, it would be best just being friends. Its just going to make things complicated. You can adore people immensely and love them in a platonic way. You can even want to have physical contact with them if you love them platonically. There is a misconception that if you have someone who is 'your whole world and your everything' that its romantic, it can be either.
Either way, the most likely thing that will happen is that someone is going to get heartbroken through lack of understanding and different emotions.

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hatfulofhollow95

You could always ask them if they'd be interested in an affectionate platonic relationship, if they're ok without the sexual bit (or if they're ace too) then maybe they would consider the type of relationship you had in mind if you proposed it to them. I'm a bit like you really, but I don't know whether I want to call myself romantic or aromantic. Because I don't consider affection and love inherently romantic. But if you believe that, romance boils down to flirting, candlelit dinners and possibly more 'romantic' affection. Can aromance be when you're happy without romance but might like it? And what is romance when everyone has different ideas as to what it is? A very confusing and vague subject I think. I think instead of labelling, people should just say what they like and don't to avoid confusion.

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You know, just because you don't feel the need doesn't mean you can't enjoy it.

I have somewhat of a bad reference with relationships but, I'd totally be willing to try it out in case opportunity presents itself. And by that I mean somebody worth the effort, since I relate a lot to aromanticism.

However, I admit if it doesn't happen I won't be bugged about it.

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romantic-woman

And what is romance when everyone has different ideas as to what it is? A very confusing and vague subject I think. I think instead of labelling, people should just say what they like and don't to avoid confusion.

this! well said

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I've been in several romantic relationships when I didn't know I was aromantic. I stopped after I found out. Then, I met my current partner and I developed romantic feelings towards them after forming an emotional bond. Thus, now I also identify as demiromantic but my romantic orientation seems to be fluid and it is going back and forth on aromantic and (demi)romantic spectrum. It took a while for my alloromantic partner to get what I'm going through. I'm sure they still don't fully understand it but they understand that this is who I am. We worked it out by communicating. They are also very intuitive and they can tell when I'm feeling aromantic lol

I don't think you should get into a relationship just because. You could end up hurting someone, you know if their feeling towards you are serious. If you have someone you really like, communicate with them. I think it's only fair to let whoever you're going to date know that you're aromantic. If they still want to be in a relationship with you despite all of that, then it might be worth a try.

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A Perfect Square

All of these responses were incredibly thought-provoking; thank you, everyone. It is nice to see what other people think of situations like this. I honestly just find it confusing.

I'm aromantic. My partner is not. It... works, in a weird way. He still can't quite wrap his head around me not being romantically attached to him (I think he has a harder time processing that than my asexuality, honestly, which I can at least partially blame on his mother raising him on those godsawful romantic comedies and Nicholas Sparks movies) but he knows I love him in my own way.

But, tangent aside, never go out with someone because you feel obligated to. If you connect with someone, enjoy their company, etc. then go ahead and give it a shot, but be honest with them from the start. With a lot of people, the lack of reciprocal romantic feelings can be even more difficult than sexual ones.

I'd recommend poking around the romantic identities forum for a bit. It might help you get a better grasp of your own identity and what you want.

That's really interesting, and I relate to the idea of loving someone in a unique way. I love a lot of people, and while it is very powerful, it's just different from what people would expect in terms of relationship. I think I will lurk around in those forums a bit more, since your experience has kind of trumped my assumption of my own identity, but in a really good way. :)

I don't think you should get into a relationship just because. You could end up hurting someone, you know if their feeling towards you are serious. If you have someone you really like, communicate with them. I think it's only fair to let whoever you're going to date know that you're aromantic. If they still want to be in a relationship with you despite all of that, then it might be worth a try.

This is exactly what the rest of my mind is thinking! It was during my last relationship that I realised that I am asexual, and when I eventually had the guts to be honest, it hurt him an awful lot. I really want to avoid hurting someone the way I did last time, so I think what you suggested is very fair.

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Well considering I'm very affectionate (probably more than socially acceptable lol) when it comes to people I know well and like, if a person in my theoretical 'asexy dating range' came along and asked me out I'd certainly give it a go. But I am not aromantic, so I can't speak for that aspect.

I however would have to make it clear that I am asexual and they must be ok with that.

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Hey everyone. This is going to sound super silly, but I will ask anyway. I was wondering if there are any other aromantic aces out there are/have been in a romantic relationship? If so, how did you deal with the relationship, and have you experienced any problems keeping it afloat?

I am asking this namely out of sheer curiosity, but also because I have recently been asked out by two people. While I was seriously complimented (these two people are incredible individuals and I absolutely adore them), I rejected them on the base of my aromanticism. Both have been fine with it and now understand that I am asexual, but... a small part of me is wondering if my move was foolish. Also, I am wondering if my decision was based on any misconceptions I have regarding my own romantic identity. I have never felt the need to be in a relationship with anyone and while I love affection (possibly my biggest problem here), and I don't need a relationship to make me happy. Still, part of me is wondering if I missed out by saying "no"... does that make sense at all?

What are your thoughts? Maybe I am missing something here, so please don't be afraid to point it/them out if I am...

Unsurprisingly, I've never been in a relationship. I've never desired to be in one, nor have I been romantically attracted to anyone. I do think about being in a relationship, but I think it's because the idea of relationships have been forced into my mind.

If I were in a relationship, it would be more logical than romantic. Maybe a partner who I could accomplish things with. I'm sure many marriages like that exist, although the people involved might not be asexuals.

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I don't know how an open and honest exclusive relationship would work with a sexual and or romantic person. However, I can tell you that my three attempts at closeted relationships all ended because I didn't have what it took to be in them. The third was particularly bad because we were close friends and it lasted the better part of a decade. I think she was realy atracted to me. And I am very sorry for what I now realize I must've been puting her through. I could fake sexual interest, to an extent (booze helped but I don't recomend that method) but romance was much harder/impossible to fake and that was a constant source of friction and hurt on both sides. I simply couldn't remember to do even the basic requirements of romance because it has zero meaning for me. When she ended it she said we had only been very good roommates. I didn't see the problem with that, and that is the major hurdle.

I much prefer my own way of having a few close friends that I can rely on not relying on me, although at times I get the sense that they do want my company in ways I don't quite get. At least now I'm open about everything and no one expects anything I can't offer honestly.

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