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How do I tell him?


EggplantWitch

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EggplantWitch

I have an issue, and the issue is as following: I have a crush on someone. On a friend of mine, to be exact. This is the first legit crush I've ever had, and I've never dated anyone before so I have nooooooo idea what to do about it MEANING I HAVE TURNED TO STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET FOR HELP.

He knows I'm ace and when we were talking about it, much to my joy, he said that while he was pan he couldn't really understand why sex was so important to other people either and he wasn't overly into it himself - after browsing all these forums I felt like I'd never have a chance with a non-asexual, so it was a huge relief to hear him say that. He's one of my best friends, even though we've only known each other for a few months (online; he lives at the opposite end of the country from me), and that's why I don't know how to tell him I have romantic feelings for him as well as platonic. My initial idea was to ramp up the flirting, but flirting seems to be entirely sexual (yes, I googled 'how to flirt'...I'm a huge loser...) and that's not really my deal for obvious reasons. I'm terrified of scaring him off - and even if I didn't and he'd still be my friend, I'm scared of my feelings being hurt - they're pretty fragile at the moment. This whole thing is like being stressed as hell and overjoyed at the same time. I love the happiness I get from being near him, and I hate the fear of rejection or humiliation.

I think that if he was more typically masculine, this would be a heck of a lot easier (not that I want him to be more typically masculine, I like him precisely the way he is) - he calls me affectionate names and talks to me every day and tells me I'm special and important and worthwhile, but because he doesn't really buy into the 'I'm a man and I'm a rock with no emotions' part of masculinity I don't know what to make of it. Plenty of my female platonic friends call me cute names as well, though admittedly he is the only friend I have that will willingly talk to me for hours on end every single day.

I know I'm going to have to tell him eventually, because I am literally losing sleep over this. Does anyone have any ideas about how I can tell him? Another friend has suggested being subtle about it (e.g. discuss crushes, if he asks who mine is basically describe him) but subtly isn't my strongest suite - and if I'm my usual blunt self I probably will weird him out. Ideas, anyone?

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Okay egg, don't be ashamed of asking help from the internet. We all have been there once.

If you aren't fit for the flirting job, try to pay attention if he's flirting with you. Most of the flirting do involve sexual stuff, but it isn't only it (at least the wikihows I've looked to know how to flirt told me so Dammit, now everyone knows that i searched "how to flirt too!!!).

I must say that not being face to face with him makes it harder. You two really can't arrange a meeting/date/other sort of way to describe two people going out to somewhere to do something? You guys may live on opposite sides of the country, but the U.K isn't THAT BIG is it (unless if by opposite sides, you mean "falkland Islands" opposite)? It's winter vacation and you guys can take a train and meet each other in the MIDDLE of the country, right? There trains n stuff in the U.K, right? RIGHT????

Being subtle is a good advice. I'm sure you won't freak him out or whatever. The frequency you two talk to each other and the way he speaks to you are a good sign that COULD mean he also have a crush on you. But don't trust too much the internet, as we can be wrong sometimes (Why you told me she liked me when she didn't, wikihow. Y U DO DIZ TO ME?!!).

There is no guaranteed way to know if he likes you in the way you like him. You just have to gather some courage and tell him. You may end up hurt, and it will be awful. But hey; that's life. c'est la vie. Being able to feel joy or sadness, comfort or pain is what makes us humans. And is the biggest bliss and the biggest curse from our humanity.

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I came here reading the title and thought you were asking us how to tell him you wanted to break up. Even after reading your post, I still found myself wondering what exactly it was you wanted to tell him. The best you gave us was an indirect reference to a crush because of a friend's suggestion. You make it seem like it was not your own and don't want it to be

I think for starters, you should try to write up a post here that consicely tells all of us exactly what it is you want to tell him. I am guessing that maybe you are not exactly clear yourself, and this confusion is turning things in directions undesirable.

being a blunt person with an unclear idea can never be good, right?

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I agree with what cal_gui said about meeting him in person, that's probably the best 'next step' before you confess anything to your friend. Meeting someone in person can be completely different to talking with them online.

I would recommend arranging a meet-up, as friends, and just spending some time with him and seeing how it goes. Choose a location where you'd be comfortable meeting (public place, fairly easy to travel to etc) and just have a nice time. You might hit it off immediately, you might feel no connection at all. Either is okay C:

If you still have strong feelings towards him and want to confess then do it! If not, then keep him as a friend.

I just personally feel like online relationship lack a lot of things that are really important in getting to know a person - body language, quirks, the way they talk, face expressions etc.

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EggplantWitch
Time to figure out how replying to posts is done on this website... (sorry if I get it wrong)

If you aren't fit for the flirting job, try to pay attention if he's flirting with you. Most of the flirting do involve sexual stuff, but it isn't only it (at least the wikihows I've looked to know how to flirt told me so Dammit, now everyone knows that i searched "how to flirt too!!!).

I must say that not being face to face with him makes it harder. You two really can't arrange a meeting/date/other sort of way to describe two people going out to somewhere to do something? You guys may live on opposite sides of the country, but the U.K isn't THAT BIG is it (unless if by opposite sides, you mean "falkland Islands" opposite)? It's winter vacation and you guys can take a train and meet each other in the MIDDLE of the country, right? There trains n stuff in the U.K, right? RIGHT????

By his own confession he's no good at flirting either. I think we're mutually awkward.

I agree with what cal_gui said about meeting him in person, that's probably the best 'next step' before you confess anything to your friend. Meeting someone in person can be completely different to talking with them online.

I would recommend arranging a meet-up, as friends, and just spending some time with him and seeing how it goes. Choose a location where you'd be comfortable meeting (public place, fairly easy to travel to etc) and just have a nice time. You might hit it off immediately, you might feel no connection at all. Either is okay C:

Yeah, face-to-face stuff is pretty important - I've met up with other internet friends through travel before and it's been great, and while it's true that the UK isn't that big, train fares are EXPENSIVE. I'm still in college (UK college - I guess the very last year of high school for Americans?) and don't exactly have a lot of cash. It'd take about 4 hours to drive from where I am to where he currently is/vice versa, and I don't even know how long for trains because Google Maps is useless. He might be going to London MCM next year, which I sometimes go to, but that's in May and kind of too long to wait. I might be able to goad him into Skype webcam conversations in the meantime?

I think for starters, you should try to write up a post here that consicely tells all of us exactly what it is you want to tell him. I am guessing that maybe you are not exactly clear yourself, and this confusion is turning things in directions undesirable.

In a nutshell: I have romantic feelings for a guy and I don't know how to tell him without making him uncomfortable. It's probably true that I'm not 100% sure what's going on, because I am VERY flustered over this whole thing. This is all new to me! Sorry if I didn't make it very clear.

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Yeah, face-to-face stuff is pretty important - I've met up with other internet friends through travel before and it's been great, and while it's true that the UK isn't that big, train fares are EXPENSIVE. I'm still in college (UK college - I guess the very last year of high school for Americans?) and don't exactly have a lot of cash. It'd take about 4 hours to drive from where I am to where he currently is/vice versa, and I don't even know how long for trains because Google Maps is useless. He might be going to London MCM next year, which I sometimes go to, but that's in May and kind of too long to wait. I might be able to goad him into Skype webcam conversations in the meantime?

I'm in the UK too, so I know what you mean ^_^ Coaches are a lot cheaper than trains, maybe that's an option you could look into? Or if that won't work then Skype video chats sounds like the next best option. A few of us UK AVENites are actually organising an AVEN meet for London MCM, so if the two of you are going you could come to that and meet each other along with some other AVEN users as well :D

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If I were the guy, and I had a crush on a female best friend, but were awkward about flirting, I'd rather she just come outright and say it. But do reserve that for in person.

Why? Because there are a TON of things we communicate, without even realizing it, in terms of voice pitch, volume and especially with body language, that are NOT present if we communicate through more limited channels. The worst for sensitive communication is straight text (e-mail or SMS, same thing), next worst is on the phone, because face expressions and such are missing. Skype video chat is a good compromise if you can't afford to meet in person.

The movie "Going the Distance" explores long distance relationships, using all of the current technology (Skype video chats, phone calls, texts, etc) and boils down to:

If you need to physically be with the person, either for sex (main focus of the movie) or just to be with them and touch them, etc, it's probably not going to work out. And even if it IS working out really well, eventually at least one of you will need to move to be near the other and uproot his/her life to a VERY large degree.

Now, if neither of you really needs touch that much (i.e. you're both aromantic), it could be completely fine to have a long distance relationship.

So it really depends on what works for both of you.

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By his own confession he's no good at flirting either. I think we're mutually awkward.

Yeah, face-to-face stuff is pretty important - I've met up with other internet friends through travel before and it's been great, and while it's true that the UK isn't that big, train fares are EXPENSIVE. I'm still in college (UK college - I guess the very last year of high school for Americans?) and don't exactly have a lot of cash. It'd take about 4 hours to drive from where I am to where he currently is/vice versa, and I don't even know how long for trains because Google Maps is useless. He might be going to London MCM next year, which I sometimes go to, but that's in May and kind of too long to wait. I might be able to goad him into Skype webcam conversations in the meantime?

Skype is already something. In the meantime, try to save some bucks and try to arrange something face to face. It's good to make these kind of feelings clear as soon a possible. But if you aren't comfortable yet to tell him about it, take your time to do it. 18 years old in Brazil is college age in Brazil too. Also, you got to be sure if he's comfortable with a asexual and long distance relationship. If he describes himself as Pansexual, he may not feel good with this kind of relationship. MCM London seems really fun, it would be a great place to meet him personally.

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OW, and even if he's bad at flirting, there must be something sort of... like... wibbly wobbly like... that looks like flirting, if he's interested in you.

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EggplantWitch

If I were the guy, and I had a crush on a female best friend, but were awkward about flirting, I'd rather she just come outright and say it. But do reserve that for in person.

Why? Because there are a TON of things we communicate, without even realizing it, in terms of voice pitch, volume and especially with body language, that are NOT present if we communicate through more limited channels. The worst for sensitive communication is straight text (e-mail or SMS, same thing), next worst is on the phone, because face expressions and such are missing. Skype video chat is a good compromise if you can't afford to meet in person.

The movie "Going the Distance" explores long distance relationships, using all of the current technology (Skype video chats, phone calls, texts, etc) and boils down to:

If you need to physically be with the person, either for sex (main focus of the movie) or just to be with them and touch them, etc, it's probably not going to work out. And even if it IS working out really well, eventually at least one of you will need to move to be near the other and uproot his/her life to a VERY large degree.

Now, if neither of you really needs touch that much (i.e. you're both aromantic), it could be completely fine to have a long distance relationship.

So it really depends on what works for both of you.

I'm not very touchy feely at all - until very recently I thought I was completely touch-averse, in fact - so I'm pretty OK with long-distance relationships provided we could meet up once in a while. I'm not sure of his feelings on the concept. Seems like we're going to have a lot to talk about in the future!

Skype is already something. In the meantime, try to save some bucks and try to arrange something face to face. It's good to make these kind of feelings clear as soon a possible. But if you aren't comfortable yet to tell him about it, take your time to do it. 18 years old in Brazil is college age in Brazil too. Also, you got to be sure if he's comfortable with a asexual and long distance relationship. If he describes himself as Pansexual, he may not feel good with this kind of relationship. MCM London seems really fun, it would be a great place to meet him personally.

I've done a little bit more research - I'll be heading off to university in a few months, and both of my top choices are within day-trip distance from his even via car. That could make things a lot easier, though that'll take even longer to come around than May MCM. He's definitely OK with aces and, like I said, has described himself as not finding sex all that important in a relationship anyway. Even more oddly, he was outright dismissive of the notion that it should be important, which is not something I expected from a non-ace. I totally understand why so many people think it is important, though!

I think for now I won't rush into anything, and hold off on doing anything drastic until I can meet him in person. My parents have always been very supportive of the friendships I make via the internet (I think they're just pleased I'm actually making any friends at all) and may be up for helping me fund a trip - or at least coming up with a bunch of chores for me to do to earn it. Thank you all for your help so far, I feel like I have at least a mild idea about what I should be doing now!

(I will also look out for anything wibbly wobbly. Thank you.)

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