update: sexual dating an asexual

[Elsaba]

Hello All,

Just leaving an update regarding my post earlier last week.

I had a long chat with my friend over the weekend, as he was considering telling his girlfriend the truth about his sexuality. We planned out what he should say and how maybe she should say it, and then he left to have the chat with her.

He phoned me a few hours later to say that it had not gone as well as he hoped. She went a little quiet and then asked him why he had done other stuff with her if that's how he felt? (They have done other things (oral, HJs) recently and he actually quite enjoyed them, to his surprise). She also said she didn't want to feel as if she was always initiating and forcing him to do it, and wanted to know how it is possible for him to want to be with her without feeling sexually attracted. She told him she felt hurt by it, as she expected him to find her sexy in a conventional way. He then began to question his asexuality, because he then decided after all of this his did feel that way about her now.

He tried again later that same day to convince her he did want her, but she was still cross with him, and although she was friendly she didn't seem to understand any better.

Any advice oh wise people of the forum?

[Jamesasaur]

As long as she knows what asexuality is and doesn't have false ideas of what it is then i think its best to just leave it as it is, if she stays then she stays if she goes then she goes. You can't change your sexuality. It won't do any good to force the issue, as long as she knows exactly how he feels then its best to let her decide.

Anyway, what does my opinion matter. I'm just a random guy on the internet.

[Elsaba]

thank you. It does matter because I'm not asexual so I can't fully understand how he feels. You guys are so I can better get a grasp of the situation.

She hasn't left yet, but doesn't seem overly thrilled. He says he will have sex with her and wants to, but what has been said cannot be undone I suppose, she wont forget the initial statement.

[Bad_Mr_Tree]

I face a similar issue with my partner of 9 years. I am asexual and even though she understands that I find her aesthetically attractive this isn't as large an affirmation for her as if I was also sexually attracted to her. (I am asexual, so I'm not towards anyone)

Having sex is really nothing more than a partnered work out for me, I don't feel much beyond it. I'd feel just as happy and euphoric after a long bike ride as I do after a sexual encounter. This also seems to pain my partner who wants me to share her feelings.

I've tried to build the case that if two people get different things from an experience it is still okay. i.e. one person giving another a back rub, the receiver will enjoy it far more than the giver but both will come away happier. But she still has it in her mind that she imposes on me and therefore can't enjoy it. :((

[sp4c34c3]

maybe she just took slight offense to the situation and will cool down after some time.

I would say that your friend try to put a bit of effort into just making it clear that his intentions of wanting her are real. The way to do that depends highly on the situation.

(hypothetical example would be, say your friend is asexual but is aesthetic. So he admires other people but never on a sexual level. For him to really show he means it to her, he could put his aesthetic nature away for awhile and focus on her-never look at anyone. Theoretically she would have already caught on to his appreciation and suddenly notice that all of his focus is on her now, and she might be convinced or at least change her mind about his intentions.)