Figuring out where I fit

[Louimic]

Trying to figure things out so apologies in advance that this will probably be a looonnnnggg post.

So I'm not sure where I fit on the whole sexuality issue. I understand a lot of the views expressed on here, but I don't feel like I m wholly asexual. Maybe some of you guys can help me understand myself better?

Both me and my group of friends were quite innocent teens and whilst the other girls seemed to be obsessed with boys really young (say 13/14), my group of friends weren't (and I'm really thankful for that). Until about 16 that is, when my friends all started talking about which boys they "fancied" and how they got nervous aound them etc. But I could never really understand what they were talking about, I didn't feel that attraction towards anyone. I kinda just assumed that maybe I was an especially late bloomer or I just hadn't happened to meet someone I liked yet. As we progressed to sixth form, and then university, my friends started to get boyfriends and having sex - still nothing happened for me. I ended up making up that I liked someone because no-one would believe me and I felt abnormal. I'm now 22 and I still don't recognise what it means to "fancy" someone.

In my first year at university I got really close to another girl in halls and long story short she was there for me through an awful period of my life. We moved in together (along with another friend) and things were great for a while. Then when she got a boyfriend her personality changed and we had a lot of difficulties (n.b. I don't think this was anything to do with the boyfriend, he seemed nice and I don't recall being jealous - I think she just became more self-obsessed). I found it really painful for a long while that she didn't seem to care anymore when I did still care a lot. My other housemate got over it pretty quickly though and didn't bother with her anymore. Eventually, almost a year since it had gone wrong, I finally became indifferent towards her. Towards the end I began to wonder if it had been more than just friendship to me (my mum also asked about this and had clearly noticed something). I realised that a lot of the ways people described being in love applied also to my interaction with her (e.g. wanting to tell her everything that happens, wanting to be around her and feeling happier around her), especially how painful it was when she didn't seem to care anymore. But because so much else surrounded it - the difficult time she supported me through, my difficulty with boundaries in friendships at the time - I couldn't seperate any possibly romantic feelings from the very close but platonic friendship.

Other than that, there is only one other person in real life who I have possibly felt attracted to - which was my other housemate's boyfriend - and I'm not even sure if it was something (given how much I over-analyse these things). There are characters on TV or in films though that I have felt attracted to, which makes me wonder if I purposefully (though unconsciously) choose people who are out of reach as some sort of defense mechanism (my straight housemate, friend's boyfriend, characters). Also in all of these cases the attraction has developed over time, as I have gotten to know the person or character, which would perhaps fit with being demi-romantic (I think?) The focus has also always been romantic rather than sexual, which I think is more difficult to seperate from platonic.

Although I don't tend to experience much sexual attraction directed towards people (there is an element of it), it's not that I don't have a sexual drive. Just that the romantic/intimacy/relationship side is more important to me. I crave an intimate emotional connection with someone, but I have never really found that in real life. I don't neccessarily think though that I don't want to have sex - it's more that it's secondary. I also feel almost scared of the sexual side. I have lots of body image issues and I wonder if these are causing some sort of repression of sexual attraction. Or if it still wouldn't be hugely important even if I didn't have body image issues.

Thank you for reading this far! Any insights anyone has would be greatly appreciated. It's difficult not being able to talk to anyone about this, because even though society seems sex-obsessed it is still embarrassing to talk about any difficulties you are having with something so personal. It seems like no one will understand and I feel like a freak, having reached this age without any sexual or relationship experience whatsoever. Especially as I have 2 younger brothers and a sister who have progressed further than me! I just wonder when something will change as there seems little sign of progress.

[Noky]

I understand almost exactly how you feel.

As in I just feel like some kind of epic noob, like how could I be 22, and be the only bleeping guy to still have never had a real girlfriend.

I almost never admit it because it just seems really, really, pathetic.

And it's not like I'm not attracted to others, I'm just not really sure how, I had a girl I was really happy to get to go out with, I went around thinking about it as a date even though it was probably just a normal outing, and all we did was spend the whole time talking over dinner. It was really, really nice but I don't know if that's as far as I'd ever like to have things or if somehow a more physical relationship would've evolved over a longer time?

I'm not even sure if I'm bi but I have these moments when I see guys, like today, I I felt so crushed not being able to just reach out and be with him somehow, like, something about him jsut drew me, in what way I don't know how just that I felt really bad forcing myself to jsut turn away.

I'm still super confused myself, lol, but I'm glad that they're at least still others around like me XD.

[Star Bit]

Perhaps a list of different attractions can help, as well as knowing that they can all be felt separately:

• Sexual attraction- uninfluenced sexual arousal due to another person (no touching of turn on spots, fetishes, etc.) and the desire for sex. Arousal from pron is different; you're aroused by what they're doing and not by the person. Put simply, sexual arousal + sexual desire = sexual attraction. Only having one can still count as asexual because it is not fully sexual attraction.
• Romantic attraction- without the other attractions present, the best way i can think of putting the emotion is that its a "soft spot." How it differs from platonic/QP, idk; its an emotion and hard to describe.
• Aestheric attraction- a fixation on someone because of their looks; different from indifferently admitting someone is good looking
• Sensual attraction- wanting to cuddle, hold hands, etc. with someone. (does not include sex) By itself it can qualify as a queerplatonic relationship (QPR). The other thing that qualifies a QPR is a bond or importance to each other that is stronger than average friends. Both or only one can be present in a QPR. So can "friends with benefits" qualify.
• Emotional attraction- fixation on someone because of their emotions; how they are stoic, optimistic, etc. Its different from having a favorite character stereotype, although you could experience this attraction for them. I would word it more as admirance or recognizing your own emotions in someone else and being attracted to/fixated on them because of that.
• Platonic attraction- strong desire to know someone (aka squish; a play on the word crush, but this is also felt in the average romantic attraction)

I word attraction as a fixation to clarify the degree of the emotion, but personally I'd call it my brain derping for X reason.

[Louimic]

And it's not like I'm not attracted to others, I'm just not really sure how, I had a girl I was really happy to get to go out with, I went around thinking about it as a date even though it was probably just a normal outing, and all we did was spend the whole time talking over dinner. It was really, really nice but I don't know if that's as far as I'd ever like to have things or if somehow a more physical relationship would've evolved over a longer time?

I think because I have become so obsessed over this issue of whether I fancy someone, I question it every time I meet a new guy (Not that I am neccessarily straight but that's a whole other issue...). I don't really have any friends who are male (literally one and he's gay) and I don't come into contact with guys much (even my field of work is populated mainly by females), so almost any time I do I am questioning "Do I find him attractive? Platonically or romantically?" etc., because I am obsessed with the idea that I "should" fancy someone and the assumption has always been that that would be a male. I don't do this with girls, because I sort of feel that I relate to them (being female and having plenty of female friends) and the assumption is that my relationship with them would be platonic. So I generally relate to girls more easily and am automatically awkward around guys, but as far as I can tell I have never actually been attracted to anyone (whether a girl or a guy), other than those mentioned in the original post, which developed over a period (and I am still not sure what it was).

Perhaps a list of different attractions can help, as well as knowing that they can all be felt separately:

• Sexual attraction- (uninfluenced) sexual arousal due to another person (not from touching of turn on spots, fetishes, etc.) and the desire for sex. Only having one can still count as asexual because it is not fully sexual attraction.
• Romantic attraction- the best way i can think of putting the emotion is that its a "soft spot." How it differs from platonic/QP, idk; its an emotion and hard to describe.
• Aestheric attraction- a fixation on someone because of their looks; different from indifferently admitting someone is good looking
• Sensual attraction- wanting to cuddle, hold hands, etc. with someone. By itself it can qualify as a queerplatonic relationship (QPR). The other thing that qualifies a QPR is a bond or importance to each other that is stronger than average friends. Both or only one can be present in a QPR. So can "friends with benefits" qualify.
• Emotional attraction- fixation on someone because of their emotions; how they are stoic, optimistic, etc. Its different from having a favorite character stereotype, although you could experience this attraction for them.
• Platonic attraction- strong desire to know someone (aka squish; a play on the word crush, but this is also felt in the average romantic attraction)

I word attraction as a fixation to clarify the degree of the emotion, but personally I'd call it my brain derping for X reason.

As far as these types of attraction, here is how I think they relate to me:

Sexual: don't think have ever experienced

Romantic: definitely experienced related to TV characters and possibly in the 2 situations in the original post, but unsure if these would qualify

Aesthetic: experienced related to celebs/people on TV etc but not in real life

Sensual: definitely experienced with the girl in the original post

Emotional: experienced with the girl in the original post (elements of this in other friendships also though?)

Platonic: definitely experienced with friendships etc

Not sure if this clarifies anything. Would you say Aesthetic, Sensual and Emotional are more than platonic, but less than romantic? Or are they classed within platonic or romantic?

[Star Bit]

As i said, they can all be felt separately; they can either be felt in a romantic relationship or be felt for someone you platonically view. Feeling Aesthetic and emotional attraction does not make your relationship with them queerplatonic or romantic unless you want a queerplatonic or romantic relationship with them.

[dissolved]

...It seems like no one will understand and I feel like a freak, having reached this age without any sexual or relationship experience whatsoever. Especially as I have 2 younger brothers and a sister who have progressed further than me! I just wonder when something will change as there seems little sign of progress.

You don't need to compare yourself to other people! I know it's natural, but people are so different that it can often be a waste of time. You might well experience some of this stuff at some point in your life and you might not, but it doesn't mean you can't have a good life, it doesn't make you a freak or a bad person. People are very different, even siblings and in families - my sister will happily sleep with anything with a heart beat, in fact most of my family are hypersexual, whereas I turned out demisexual, and need a very strong bond with someone before the slightest chance of sexual attraction and I don't feel like a freak. Sod everyone else, let them do what they want and don't worry about how it compares to you.

Sorry if in transferring that from my head to actual words it no longer makes sense.