Love4Fluffy Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 So... I don't really know if this is the right place for this or if I'll even be able to really say what's been bothering me, but I'll just put it all out there and see if it makes sense to anyone. So, for some background, I am a 21 year old, asexual currently in a 5 & a half year long relationship with my heterosexual boyfriend. He's always been super understanding of my asexuality and never tried to get me to do anything I didn't want to do. As a result our first kiss was after four months of dating and we slowly progressed from there. We've been mildly sexually active for a while now- I enjoy it because of how happy it makes him and it's my way of making up for how much he's wiling to ignore his own needs for me to be happy and comfortable- but I've just started facing some frustrations and confusions about myself and my lack of reactions. Recently I've been getting very exasperated at the fact that I cannot feel attracted to him, no matter how much I love him or try to feel attracted. Perhaps I've been reading too many romances from view points of sexual people, but I feel like there's something missing in our relationship because of me. I find myself wanting to want to engage with him on a conscious level, but still never feeling any physical desire. However, realizing these frustrations is making me question myself and if there is something wrong with me, or if it is normal for an asexual in a long-term relationship to feel this way. I remember hoping around the time we started kissing that I would turn out to be demisexual, since I liked kissing him, but it never developed into anything more than that. This never used to bother me, but now that it's gotten to my mind once it won't go away. Are there any other asexuals out there who feel this frustration over their lack of attractions? Link to post Share on other sites
dissolved Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 Are there any other asexuals out there who feel this frustration over their lack of attractions? Well I'm demi so I do experience attraction rarely, but it is frustrating to not feel it when you want to, if that makes sense. I've been in relationships and cared for the other person and felt emotional attraction for them but then nothing else. Feels a bit like a void. You know there should be something there, but it's just absent and annoying. It's that point where I weigh up staying with them hoping it will one day appear (as for me it can take years) or jumping ship because I just met someone new and interesting... Link to post Share on other sites
Aisntllecxtual Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 Yes, I think I can understand how you are feeling. For me, the lack of feeling could only have been described as a deadened state, spiritual detachment, inner emptiness when I absolutely passively (helplessly, really) put up with the act: no pleasure in pleasing, only resentment. You, though, seem to be in a better relationship than me. You relate your boyfriend has been super understanding, therefore, I assume, no pressure, manipulation, coercion, or force is evident or has been used. And, I would assume, as a result, goodwill exists between you and your partner: that your willingness to please him is there (your capacity to find satisfaction from intercourse through his enjoyment is intact as undisturbed). That is very very good, means so much. A suggestion that (being that the lack of feeling has come to bother you) it might not be a bad idea to search for a really good therapist who might be able to help you process this lack of feeling. At minimum, it could be quite helpful in validating your feeling (reducing, or, even, ideally, eliminating your distress). Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 Link to post Share on other sites
Smmk Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 Sounds like an amazing boyfriend :) I understand your situation. I am attracted to my partner but only in a 'ooh you're so cute' kind of way. During sexual activity I am still so...neutral about things while my partner seems to be in a whole other world. Sometimes I pity the fact that I am not able to feel that sort of ecstasy as well. I always pretend to like it a little more than I actually do for the sake of the sexual atmosphere. I have accepted this. Yes, I mind it sometimes but no, I can not change it and I will have to live with it :P Link to post Share on other sites
Tanwen Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Moving to Asexual Relationships Tanwen Older Asexual Moderator. Link to post Share on other sites
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