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Evolving, Adapting or Something Else?


WestTexas

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About us:

My wife and I have been consulting AVEN for a couple of years or more. We were married for years before either of us knew that she was asexual. She has been asexual all of her life though she felt like she was the only one until finding AVEN. Thankfully, the asexual community has helped us to better understand what was once complicating our relationship. As for myself, I've learned that I'm hyper-sexual and probably accurately described as poly-amorous & pan-sexual although I'm still not sure that I want to be labeled lol.

Last night, while the kids were at my mom's house, we were talking for hours (it was awesome - it had been too long since our last all night gab session)

She told me that she's now okay with me having other lovers although this was once out of the question. Her reasoning for changing her position on this makes a lot of sense and although I've internally wished for this many times I'm now conflicted. To be quite honest I'm scared that I could ruin our relationship and the lives of three boys if I pursue this new avenue.

I am* still in shock because I never expected this and while I'm not asking for anyone to "tell me what to do" or how to handle this; I would greatly appreciate insights from anyone else that has navigated this territory.

Feel free to ask for clarity or explanation if I've not been thorough enough concerning our situation.

Thanks in advance :)

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Hello! I cannot offer any advice, having never been in a situation like yours, but I couldn't help but notice your name... and had to stop and say "hi" to what I can only hope is another Texan :)

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It's very dangerous. Though she says she's okay with the idea this may be after a lot of effort on her part convincing herself of it so you can have avenues to release your urges. If it actually happens the illusion she may have made might fall apart and leave her very hurt

I'm just some dumb college dude though so it's weird to give advice to a married couple. As an asexual though I've told previous girlfriends that I'm okay with them sleeping around because logically that makes sense. When it actually happens though I've felt hurt and started to isolate myself (though I've never gotten upset with them because of it). Maybe this is because I'm a jealous bitch.

Anyway, I would just say to tread lightly, give her time to make absolutely sure it's okay, and move slowly. Keep her updated on your progress too (wow that sounds weird). Catching her off guard could be painful for her.

Oh and find out specifically what things she is and isn't okay with. It seems to be different for everyone.

Good luck. You seem like a great guy if you've come here and asked around to care for her feelings like that.

:cake:

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If she's a honest and trustworthy person, you can proceed I think. The two of you will only find out how well it works by trying. IMO in a situation like this, it's less the partner to worry about(after all, I assume you genuinely care about them); I'd be more worried about mistreating those "other lovers". I mean, even if you make it very clear what the situation is on your side, they still might develop feelings for you and end up hurt.

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Down in Texas

I am a very sexual female who has been married to my Gray A for over 40 years and only found AVEN almost 3 years ago now. Due to the sexual disparity in my marriage I was ok allowing our children to engage in sex outside of marriage (something quite common now but not acceptable a few years ago). As they dated and experienced different relationships I noticed that while searching for the "Perfect" partner they would change relationships faster the longer they had been in the "dating" scene. From looking from the outside in and not knowing all that went on in their relationships they seemed to eventually "settle" for a relationship that they are still not truly happy in. It may be because they seem to be as asexual as their father, which may be causing the same issues as any mixed relationship would. I have tried to talk to them about their possible sexual problems and have told them many times about this site yet they refuse to look at the site or acknowledge that part of the problems in their own marriages is sexual. However it seems two have married partners where sex is not a priority and two are still struggling with issues similar to those I experienced only reversed.

However in my opinion and I know I over think things sometimes and this may very well be one of those times. In my opinion you will be walking into a unseen set of possibilities that you need to consider.

What happens if you find someone that you then fall in love with? Will you be content to stay with your partner or will you then wish to leave for perceived "Greener Pastures"?

What happens if your partner later is unable to live with the fact that she thought she would be able to deal with and as you become more involved outside of the current relationship/household?

Will you then be able to quit and go back to things the way they are now? Or would you by then be more inclined to want to keep filling that need elsewhere?

What happens if once you find a match sexually, when you go back to your partner and things no longer feel the same with her? What then?

These are just a few of the things I can think of that you should consider before going forward. Like the old saying its hard to close the flood gates once they have been opened. Please think this through before just going blindly forward. And I in no way are trying to say you have not already done this thinking but if you have not then please think first.

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If she says it's OK, then it's not cheating and it's OK to proceed. With opening up a relationship like this, you want to proceed slowly though and with LOTS of communication. Let her know she can come to you with any doubts, fears or insecurities. It's possible once you go on that first date she could not be able to handle it. But, she may just be realizing she can as well. It's really up to her if she can or not. Make sure she's not just trying to use it as a "bandaid" though and is TRULY OK with the idea. Poly doesn't tend to work as a bandaid and can just lead to resentment if one partner is just doing it out of feeling they have to.

Also, before you try to move towards poly, line out your boundaries/rules/details clearly between each other. Is she OK with you spending the night with someone else? Does she want to see STD screenings before you have sex with someone? Is this something you should do secretly, or openly? Will this person ever be a part of your kids lives, if you end up in a second meaningful relationship? Does she want to meet them? etc etc etc... make sure everything is discussed thoroughly before you go anywhere with it.

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I feel silly, I kept reloading the topic via my profile and wondering why no one had responded lol :) There have been some awesome responses so far many of them speaking directly to concerns that I've had. I work too much in the oilfield ( yep Yellow, fellow Texan here) so I'm really sleepy but I hope that we can continue this dialogue when I more properly respond in a few hours. Thanks so much ya'll :D

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It's very dangerous. Though she says she's okay with the idea this may be after a lot of effort on her part convincing herself of it so you can have avenues to release your urges....

...I would just say to tread lightly, give her time to make absolutely sure it's okay, and move slowly. Keep her updated on your progress too (wow that sounds weird).

...Oh and find out specifically what things she is and isn't okay with. It seems to be different for everyone.

That's not dumb at all man - I could see myself telling someone the same thing.

She's a very strong-willed and certain person so in this case I don't think she's fooling herself... but if I cannot afford to be wrong.

I *love* this woman, she is my home, my other half... I don't even want to imagine it being otherwise so this is quite trepidatious for me.

She actually asked me to keep her posted on any *progress, for safety's sake if nothing else... it is kind of unexpected in a way.

I'm definitely taking my time, for her and for me as well.

I've lived my entire life being informed that I'm the weird one, that my thoughts/feelings are wrong, mistaken, misguided or in some other way not valid; after a lifetime of this, even someone as hard-headed as me starts to believe it. I've found it interesting that asexual people often describe the same experience in this regard.

The night we talked I couldn't really even accept it as anything other than a mental exercise and I said so.

So I asked her to hypothesis with me and discuss how it would play out, specifically what was she okay with...

So all in all man: Great advice!

You're not "just some dumb college dude" so don't sell yourself short. ;)

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If she's a honest and trustworthy person, you can proceed I think. The two of you will only find out how well it works by trying. IMO in a situation like this, it's less the partner to worry about(after all, I assume you genuinely care about them); I'd be more worried about mistreating those "other lovers". I mean, even if you make it very clear what the situation is on your side, they still might develop feelings for you and end up hurt.

This is really insightful - I hadn't even considered that aspect of it...

thank you :)

...What happens if you find someone that you then fall in love with? Will you be content to stay with your partner or will you then wish to leave for perceived "Greener Pastures"?

What happens if your partner later is unable to live with the fact that she thought she would be able to deal with and as you become more involved outside of the current relationship/household?

Will you then be able to quit and go back to things the way they are now? Or would you by then be more inclined to want to keep filling that need elsewhere?

What happens if once you find a match sexually, when you go back to your partner and things no longer feel the same with her? What then?

These are just a few of the things I can think of that you should consider before going forward. Like the old saying its hard to close the flood gates once they have been opened. Please think this through before just going blindly forward. And I in no way are trying to say you have not already done this thinking but if you have not then please think first.

This echos one of my "schools of worry" in regards to this scenario. Especially the time & resources that would spent on/with someone outside our family unit. Although I'm trying to make a change, right now my time away from work is incredibly limited. The potential exists to easily find myself in a place of regret and guilt, and I have three boys to provide a good example for.

I overthink things too but I think this situation warrants excessive analysis.

It seems that you have a keen insight into the situation, have you lived through a similar experience? If so, how did you handle the scenarios that you mentioned?

thanks in advance :)

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Down in Texas

Possible TMI

WestTexas-- My husband has read enough to label himself as a Gray A, other than that he refuses to look at the site or read any of the post. He thinks HE is the normal one and I am the abnormal one and any others that talk about sex are only doing so to act as if they are different than those like himself, just trying to boost their self image or boast as if "Locker Room" talk.

I married my husband when I was 20 and he 25. We were both brought up in strict Catholic families he even has an Uncle that is a Priest, and an Aunt that is a Nun. So it was expected of us to be virgins when we married. He seemed quite interested in sex prior to marriage, we did some pretty heavy petting. We dated for a little over two years before we married. Back then we only saw each other on weekends, as most then did, and he called once in the middle of the week. Just before we married he got his first job after finishing college and was sent to New Port News, Virginia where he was from Jan. until June before we married in July and when he came back was sent to Houston to work, which was four hours from where I lived.

It seemed that he changed the moment we said "I Do". We did not have sex for two and a half days later, only when I cried and ask what I had done wrong that he didn't want me. Our sex that night was short but sweet, there was no foreplay and no after snuggles. A few months later when I ask why we were not having sex he informed me that he would run out of sperm if we had sex as often as I was wanting. Being young and only having limited female sexual education I assumed he knew more about his body than I did. However I then went in search for the then popular book "Everthing You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask" being young and shy I refused to ask for the book and not knowing who wrote it I went to many book stores before I finally ask for the book. I read it cover to cover and I hated reading. I pointed out different parts to my husband and read parts to him yet he refused to look at the book and showed no interest in finding out anything further on the topic. For years after I read a multitude of books, as new ones were mentioned on different talk shows. Most all of the books were addressing sex as if the male was not receiving the sex they wanted and how we females needed to be treated or how different factors may be the cause for our dislike or reluctance for sex. None of the books ever talked about woman that did not receive the sex they needed. One book said that by me always initiating sex I was robbing my husband of his masculinity and that I needed to back off and let him take control. This was the Worst advise I ever received it was the beginning of our down fall and has lead to the demise of our sexual relationship.

As for the answer to your question I have read Romance novels and lived my life through dreams by allowing myself to be the person in the books. Needless to saw I have read many books.

My husband now has ED, which I contend has come from his hiding his masterbation that has gone on for years, yet I just recently learned of. I could never understand why he always locked the bathroom door after we were married when I never even closed it. His answer was "I always have" I just wrote it off as part of his shyness. My out look was if you have seen me dress and undress every day, why did I need to hide my body while going to the bathroom or taking a shower. Yet he continues even now to lock the door. My body will Never be able to give him the tightness he now needs in order to achieve his erections and climax and for those saying I could help him masterbate I have and will do most any sexual act, yet he is the one uncomfortable with me doing so. He also has had very low testosterone for well over 25 years now. When we first learned of this I thought "whoa we finally found the cause Sex will return". That was the wrong assumption, he is even on a high doses of Testosterone, yet his levels remain low. It was not until I found AVEN that things finally made sence! Yet finding AVEN took away all MY hopes of finding a "fix" I now know there is no fix for they are no more broken than we are, we are just who we are. The knowledge also took away my emotional link in sex. Knowing there is no enjoyment other than his own release has taken away my desire to have sex when it now is only for his enjoyment he gives nothing back to me as a part of himself. He does not even remember most of our previous sexual encounters. Where as I remember almost all and used them to build upon, to enhance the next, finding out that he doesn't has taken the passion and joy out of our sex for me.

Feel free to PM me if you wish.

Edited as requested

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WestTexas-- I have been posting for a while now and get my hand slapped every so often when I recount my experience for newbies. I constantly get labeled as bitter and unhappy, often also accused of mistreating my spouse since I am seen as being so unhappy, then in their eyes I must project that unhappiness on my family.

I don't think anyone has ever accused you of mistreating your spouse because you're unhappy.

And, I don't care if you tell every newbie to stay as far away from asexuals as possible, but I do kind of care if you tell newbies that you are constantly harassed here because I don't see that as being true or helpful.

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WestTexas-- I have been posting for a while now and get my hand slapped every so often when I recount my experience for newbies. I constantly get labeled as bitter and unhappy, often also accused of mistreating my spouse since I am seen as being so unhappy, then in their eyes I must project that unhappiness on my family.

I don't think anyone has ever accused you of mistreating your spouse because you're unhappy.

And, I don't care if you tell every newbie to stay as far away from asexuals as possible, but I do kind of care if you tell newbies that you are constantly harassed here because I don't see that as being true or helpful.

I agree with Skullery. You yourself have often said you are unhappy, but no one has ever accused you of anything. Please consider simply telling your story without making comments that are untrue about AVEN members.

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