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Rambling about things


Luke_Ravios

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Ok, so I'm too young to say my name on the forum, but hopefully that gets across the idea of how old I am due to my choice of English, and I'd say that I'm asexual; I have a sexual fetish, and can be sexually turned on by this fetish and this fetish only. However, I'm about 1 in 7,000,000 with this fetish and I also hate it. I'd much prefer to not have sexual attraction than have this fetish, so I say I'm asexual rather than having a sexual exception. I'm not sexually attracted to anyone normal, and I'm just not attractive in general. However, I'm definitely heteromantic, because I would love nothing more than to eventually get into a relationship with someone but to not have to worry about sexual attraction. This is where the problem comes in.

I've been depressed for more than a year now, and people have tried to help and I appreciate it, but they don't really understand how to deal with someone that's both depressed an introverted. Despite me being aware of this, I find it incredibly hard to break out of either of these two. I made friends over the past year, and I was happy, but I kept making them go away by accident because I'm quite terrible socially. I feel a lot worse when i hurt the friends I cared for a lot.

It was continuous with the amount of times I fucked up, and I gradually felt worse and worse. However, I've made a friend that I didn't expect to make. We talked small at first (as strangers do) but then we started to talk more and more. I learnt that this person (who I'll call M for now) is a 19 year old lesbian. She's asexual too, but she's homoromantic. I haven't told her I'm asexual yet, because I've often referred to myself as heterosexual, because I feel like I'm looking like I'm trying to hard to relate to this person. I probably will eventually.

One day, I was so depressed with things going on in life and the internet in general, that I just made a tumblr post, stating how much I hate myself and how sorry that I am for the people that knew me. I didn't expect a response; i just had bottled up my emotions and needed to let loose. As I thought, next morning, nothing showed up on my phone. But then, as I checked my laptop 20 mins before I had to leave, I had a message in my tumblr.

It was from M, and it was a whole letter that i can't even express how much i love her for doing it. She made me feel happier than I had felt over the past 5 years, and I was glad that I made someone happy for once in my life. I didn't want to admit it, but I had a crush on someone a lot older than me, and someone who deserved a lot better too. Now I'm just confused and scared to talk about it to them. I don't want to bother them anymore, because they have a lot better people to talk to, but I never want to stop talking to them. I feel bad and am confused. I don't know what to do.

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It's OK to sound off here. That's what the forum is for. While I can't help you with your relationship, I have a lot of experience in depression and being an introvert. I think you'll find others like that here.

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I used to get myself in situations like these. In my case it turned out that I was not keeping my mind fully stimulated, I had a dull life and it's like my brain or something like it was punishing me for allowing myself to carry on that way. I am pretty introverted myself and I didn't turn into a Paris HIlton popular social butterfly, but I did start finding things I would enjoy. It turns out that the things I found to enjoy really get my brain juices going and actually wear me out. I am still the same person and these little situations still come up, just now I have other things to do so I guess I don't ever muse over them like I used to.

Find something you think you might like and try it out. Also, take the letter from the girl as a gesture that really made you happy. Don't do anything about replying or anything because if you do nothing then this letter can always be a gesture that makes you happy. You are not required to act on every last occurance in your life, trust me, if you do nothing, you are not going to die for it. (it seems exhagerrated just because if you leave it alone, eventually you will thank yourself for it)

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Yeah, keeping busy is important for depression. Think of it as a chance too find yourself.What are you interested in? You might be surprised .

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