asexuality is where I belong... but I don't really fit...

[binary suns]

[Star Bit]

Perhaps the right phrasing is that you dont desire sex but do desire to sexually satisfy someone; moral satisfaction; belief that you did right. Asexuals can have sex for a number of reasons and still be asexual. Sexual ppl are also welcome on AVEN. If it makes you feel any better, there are asexuals who desire a sexual relationship called Cupiosexual.

[Guest]

Hi there

If it's really bothering you, could you just identify as ''Asexual (possibly Demisexual?)'' or ''Questioning Asexual'' or ''Asexual (98% certain)'' or something along those lines?.. That way you won't feel that 'niggle' telling you ''oh maybe I'm not ace.. argh'' because you are already identifying as Asexual with possibly more depending on circumstances/Asexual until you know more about yourself etc. I understand that Demisexuals are practically fully asexual until an emotional bond has formed, then they do desire partnered sexual activity with the person they are bonded with.. could that be more you? or Gray-A desires partnered sexual activity only under certain circumstances or only in certain ways..Or demisensual ace (like me) desires sensual intimacy once an emotional bond has formed, just not actual partnered sex (partnered genital stimulation).. Then of course you get people who identify as Asexual, but enjoy sex to please their sexual partner, they just know they could happily live without sex if their partner wasn't interested in sex.. etc etc

It's fine to not know exactly where you stand, it's fine to be questioning etc. And honestly, if you feel fully comfortable with the Asexual label, then yay, identify as that for sure. Some people who identify as asexual do enjoy pleasing a partner sexually, they just don't mind if they don't have sex.. like,they don't feel as though something is lacking in their relationship if they are not having sex, but still enjoy it if their partner wants it.. does that sound like you?

Or if you think you feel that sex would be an integral part of a romantic relationship for you, and you couldn't be happy without it because you feel it is something you innately desire the experience of when in love, maybe you could be demisexual?.

However of course, only you can decide what you are most comfortable identifying as. I think if you love your label and embrace it fully, that's awesome.. but if you are questioning it, unhappy about it, or it is causing you to doubt and question yourself, maybe more label exploration and/or tweaking is required?

Anyway good luck!

[Laurens]

(A)sexuality is a spectrum and everyone experiences it in a somewhat different way.. The labels are made up by humans to communicate and get things clearer for themselves. However, they are artificial and not every individual does exactly fit into the boxes that are used in society. Therefore we get more and more labels going around the internet. And do labels like "gray-asexual" or "gray-romantic" exist. Human beings are often not black and white, but rather complex individuals.

Well, I think it's more important to see yourself as an individual and explore your wishes and the ways you want to form connections with other people than to worry if a label really does 100% fit or not.

I know it's difficult not having a label and labels can help you explore yourself. But perhaps sometimes it can also be useful to not label yourself. Or perhaps you would like to explore the possibility of being gray-sexual or try any other labels?

It toke me years before I dared to identify as asexual. I actually started to call myself gray-sexual, because I thought "well at least I'm that". But I actually fit the box of being asexual so now I use that. (Well, "use" ; it is not like many people know about this aspect of myself). However, I'm still afraid it is somehow not correct. For my gender I couldn't even find a label that would fit except for rather general one's, such as genderqueer and non-binary, so I'm using that and I do not feel the need to specify it any further.. I know how it feels for myself and that's enough. I know it's a controversial term, but I love the word 'queer'. Just not straight/cis and outside the boxes.

I don't know if my post is really useful, but I just wrote what came into my mind. Good luck with deciding for yourself what you want and which - if any! - label would be the most fitting.

[bonny]

maybe, it's more like a curiosity about what sex is like, curiosity about what I know I don't actually feel. a desire to emulate emotions that everyone else claims is all the rage. and so I feel like I'm cheating to call myself asexual, because I anticipate at somepoint in the future even if only once more, I'll engage in sexual activity with a partner

Long before I knew about the concept of asexuality, I remember being very curious about what this experience (sex) was that "everyone else" had experienced, but I hadn't. It's over 15 years ago now (I was 22), that I found myself in a situation where sex was on offer, and I decided (realized?) I would agree to it.

I remember having mixed feelings about the relationship at the time, and partly wishing I'd stuck with my feeling that friendship was much more important and valuable than sexual love.

But, at that time, I thought that everyone had sex eventually. Perhaps if I'd known then what I now know about asexuality, I wouldn't've agreed to it?

But then, if I'd never experienced sex, I'd never have been sure it'd be something I wouldn't miss.

Perhaps for you it will be important to experience sex at some point, perhaps to understand your asexuality better? As long as you keep yourself safe, I think that's for the individual to decide / find out.

[butterflydreams]

Long before I knew about the concept of asexuality, I remember being very curious about what this experience (sex) was that "everyone else" had experienced, but I hadn't. It's over 15 years ago now (I was 22), that I found myself in a situation where sex was on offer, and I decided (realized?) I would agree to it.

Oh my goodness...this sooooo much!

I've always been curious. Probably will remain so. To me, it's like this third person thing. It's something that's part of other peoples' experiences, not mine. It's something they do, not me. It's something in their world. Not mine. The notion that it could (or should) be a part of my world never even crossed my mind for the longest time. I kind of figured it would eventually. Well, it still isn't, and I'm 26. At least now I have a word for it.

But Teagan, it really is a spectrum, and as Laurens said, everyone experiences it differently. I totally understand what you're saying when you say you "belong" in a sexual relationship. Maybe you do. Maybe you will. Maybe that's years of culture impressing itself on your brain, maybe it isn't. More importantly though, does it matter? Do you still feel asexual? It sounds like to do. I'm certainly not going to give you a hard time about that. I can't imagine anyone worth your time would.

I really do share your feels here. After almost a decade of beating myself up for being "that older kid who still hadn't had sex" do I really expect all that internalized negativity and hate to flitter away overnight? During all that time, I never even asked myself, "hey, don't you think it would've happened by now if you really had ever been sexually attracted to someone?" I had to be honest with myself. I couldn't name a single person I had ever felt that way about. And now I have a name for it.

But also, yeah, I really expect to be in a sexual relationship in the future. I even desire it. Why? Because I want to, that's why. I'm curious. I'd love to get the chance to make someone I cared deeply about feel great. Is it as important to me as it is to them, or most people? Probably not, but so what? It's just this thing I'd be doing. Am I ever going to look at someone and feel the same intrinsic...<assorted sexy noises>...I feel when I'm looking at a really nice car I'd like to drive? No. (I'm not sexually attracted to cars, I just really get swept away with interest, excitement, and desire when I see one I really like. An apt analogy for sexual attraction and desire I think.)

After all that, I don't feel any less asexual, and neither should you. I find that what really helps with these kinds of things is to replace "asexual" with "heterosexual" and pose the same questions.

Some heterosexual people masturbate, some don't. Doesn't make either of them less heterosexual. Some heterosexual people watch porn, some don't. Doesn't make either of them less heterosexual. Some heterosexual people have sex, some don't. Doesn't make either of them less heterosexual.

See how that works? All that matters is how you feel. If deep in your heart, you feel asexuality has meaning for you, and helps you feel like you belong, then it does. End of story. It's ok to feel confused. It's ok to doubt yourself. I doubt myself all the time. I think it's healthy :)

[binary suns]

[butterflydreams]

Would it help any if I said that the first time I considered that I might be asexual, it was the thought that identifying as such was effectively closing off permanently the option of sex later that caused me to toss out the whole notion? The option isn't gone forever. I mean, no one is going to asexual-card you prior to sex and say, "whoops, looks like it's Monopoly instead!" I mean, Monopoly is great, but I'm pretty sure you could have sex and then play Monopoly.

I completely understand what you're saying about the gender thing as well. All I can suggest there is for you to think about ways to mitigate those feels to help things feel better for you. That's what I'm trying to do. Honestly, I'm glad I've been given the chance to do that prior to any sexual encounters. God only knows what an upsetting experience it might've been before I had a chance to sort things out.

[binary suns]

[butterflydreams]

Just be careful, Monopoly can get violent!

To be honest, that sounds lovely to me. I actually tried to write down all the physical things I'd be willing to do in a relationship, and the things I wanted to do. That kind of exploration seems very similar to things I wrote down.

[sp4c34c3]

Maybe you are confusing your natural curiosity with a desire to engage in the act?

I myself could get just as frustrated as you tend to be getting and maybe when I read your posts I do feel the same way.

For me though, it is just this absolute knowing that sits in the back of my head, idk maybe unconsciously that I have no desire whatsoever for intercourse. It's one of those things that just is, I have no other way to describe.

Maybe I know it because a few people that have encountered me through my life have found me to be attractive-some going to very obvious lengths about letting me know they were sexually attracted to me while others were very subliminal about their sexual attraction to me. Not that this has happened a ton to me, but I have had enough encounters and every time I never reciprocate(because I don't feel that urge).

I just don't have it in me I guess, and I can only imagine or guess that mostly everyone else on this planet (who is nonasexual) experiences 'that urge'.....some kind of attraction guided or resulting in sex to some other person. I don't know, and my curiosity about wanting to know makes it annoying, because I just know that I never have and never will know

In my case the contradictory or strange or unintuitive thing is that I am really 'sensitive'. So to exaggerate it would be like oh hey touch my shoulder and it appears that I am aroused but some other part of me has absolutely no desire to actually progress to whats next. It sucks, but what do you do about it? keep dreaming I guess

[binary suns]

[sp4c34c3]

I guess, sex is like skydiving... a thrill-seeking activity that I don't REALLY want to do but sounds alluring... and the difference is is that sex is a lot simpler to do than skydiving or climbing mount everest, and a lot lower risk of accidental death

wow, emphasis on the really part?? why??

In my case I would change your statement to: I guess sex is like skydiving, a thrill seeking activity that I don't not want to do, but sorry it just isn't happening. I agree that it is in theory (physically) a lot simpler, but for me it is the most complex thing because it must have this simple physical part and then some other part that I am missing....that I hear people call an attraction strict to resulting in sex. So the fact that something that seems so simple can be so complex because I lack something as simple as an attractive feeling makes it seem to me like skydiving, like you say ( I would guess that you could ask a sky diver if they do it for thrill and see what they say?)

I dont know if that makes sense. for me what sucks is that people don't get this, and then when we start to relate to each other, and its 'time' for sex, and it doesn't happen, they take it personally like some how they did something wrong, and then in order for them to not be further hurt and stuff they just break it off. thats what sucks

[binary suns]

[sp4c34c3]

I guess the more apropriate emphasis would have been to italicize it. it's like.. I'd prefer not do the activity... but it's tempting. or like in the case of mt everest, I do want to do it, but I don't think my body is ready for such a feat...

and well, you can jump of a plane with the parashute or with a backpack with bedsheets... but with sex, if you engage it without the emotional equipment, well you don't die or anything, it's just less of a thrill

haha i see, this post makes more sense.

Is that why you are not dead yet? Or you are just thinking that is the best way it should sound?

[binary suns]

[Tessc]

if someone was close enough that I trusted them and they wanted to have a sexual relationship with me, I would not oppose...

This part here ^^ is almost screaming demi to me.

I can totally relate to not thinking you're "asexual enough" to be here. The reason, I think, that I didn't realise that I was ace for so long (I'm 30 and only just realised this year) is because I have a libido. Depending on my hormones, it can be fairly high. That's also the reason I hesitated to join the site. If I was having these feelings, then of course I wasn't ace, right? I was an extremely late bloomer. And, apparently, in denial.

Thing is, I've read your posts and participated in some of the threads you've started and from what I've read, you're about as ace as I am. Whether that translates to demi, or grey, or libido'd ace or whatever you want to call it, you fit in here. Trust me. :)

[imgone]

if someone was close enough that I trusted them and they wanted to have a sexual relationship with me, I would not oppose...

This part here ^^ is almost screaming demi to me.

I mean it *could* be, that is up to Teagan to decide of course, but personally I feel the same way and still identify as ace. Demisexuals develop sexual attraction to these people they're close enough to and trust... I used to be really confused, because I would want a sexual relationship with someone I was close with but I wouldn't be interested in/really want sex itself. It was like I was more interested in the idea of sex than I was the actual act. I'm also non-libidoist so it was particularly confusing. Currently I'm absolutely in love with my best friend, we have an awesome relationship, I'm very happy, and yeah there was enough trust there for me to be open to sexual things occurring. But I'm not sexually attracted to him. I used to wonder if the "well if this happened with this person maybe I'd be okay with it" thing was actually sexual attraction, maybe secondary instead of primary, i.e. like a demisexual. But now that things are happening, especially, I'm realizing that it's not the same. I don't know what sexual attraction feels like but I think I'm beginning to feel its absence. I can't explain the difference very well, but it's like I want a sexual relationship but I don't have the sexual feelings/libido to make sex really *do* anything for me. Thankfully I can enjoy the emotional/romantic intimacy just fine. There is just sort of a disconnect from the physical part, sometimes it feels like I'm just "putting up" with it for that emotional intimacy, even when some of my favorite naked things to do are probably pretty non-sexual, e.g. cuddling, light kissing. I feel like sex is maybe part of how I express myself romantically, and maybe some people who feel that way identify as demi and that's fine, I just personally don't see if that way because sexual attraction never really materializes at any point. Cupiosexual (or demicupio, anyway?) fits me to a T but I have some objections to the term/otherwise find it not particularly useful in everyday conversation.

I can relate to this post sooo much, especially the part about wondering if you only feel that way because of the influence of society on one's psychology... But I think you can definitely still desire some sort of sexual relationship (not just be curious about it) and still be asexual. We may be a minority within a minority, but we still belong here as long as we feel it fits. :)

[butterflydreams]

if someone was close enough that I trusted them and they wanted to have a sexual relationship with me, I would not oppose...

This part here ^^ is almost screaming demi to me.

I can totally relate to not thinking you're "asexual enough" to be here. The reason, I think, that I didn't realise that I was ace for so long (I'm 30 and only just realised this year) is because I have a libido. Depending on my hormones, it can be fairly high. That's also the reason I hesitated to join the site. If I was having these feelings, then of course I wasn't ace, right? I was an extremely late bloomer. And, apparently, in denial.

Thing is, I've read your posts and participated in some of the threads you've started and from what I've read, you're about as ace as I am. Whether that translates to demi, or grey, or libido'd ace or whatever you want to call it, you fit in here. Trust me. :)

It certainly could be a "demi" thing, but as brotatofarm said, that's really up to Teagan to decide. I imagine myself to be very much the same way. God only knows what amount of trust I'd need to have with a person for sex to be a viable reality. Probably a lot. I don't actually know. Still though, sex as an activity? That's just a thing you're doing, and it's a thing that for me and many others, requires lots of trust. That's all. That type of "attractiveness" on that particular sexual wavelength may still not be there. Even if it did show up, a person might still not feel enough trust was established to do sex as a thing. So there is a distinction I think.

I actually don't see any dissonance in demonstrating love for a partner via sex and being asexual. I'd imagine if it was important to them, boom, it just became important for me (asterisk: with my boundaries being respected. Want, will, won't lists are brilliant, and filling one out for myself was incredibly eye opening :))

[Star Bit]

Well, no, demi is sexual attraction after a certain bond, not sexual concent after a certain bond. Thats still Ace and why asexuals can still have sex.

[imgone]

^^^

Yessss okay thank you, what I was trying to say except far more concise and well-put haha.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

(TMI warning: there is discussion of desire for sex in this thread)

I do not experience sexual attraction. And I don't feel "sexual desire" really, like I have a libido and when it acts up I desire appeasing it... but I don't otherwise have desire for partnered sex.

yet I can't shake this feeling that I belong in a sexual relationship, that I would engage in sexual activities with a partner would I have one. It's unnerving. I've told myself before, that I just am feeling needs that are placed in my psychology because society tells us its how we should feel, but I'm not sure that's true. I just think at this point, that for whatever reason drives me, I would want to be some amounts of sexually active should I have a partner. maybe, it's more like a curiosity about what sex is like, curiosity about what I know I don't actually feel. a desire to emulate emotions that everyone else claims is all the rage. and so I feel like I'm cheating to call myself asexual, because I anticipate at somepoint in the future even if only once more, I'll engage in sexual activity with a partner, and if I truly belonged in the asexual orientation, that just wouldn't be the case.

I didn't cash in my virginity until my nearly mid-twenties, and just found sex extremely awkward and that it completely failed to rock my world. Apparently my tiny number of partners sensed that and my growing gender dysphoria, and sexual relationships became sources of hurt and abandonment.

It's almost like one's appendix-- as far as medical science knows, it doesn't fulfill any function and is a vestigial construct that gets removed when it gets inflammed with no side effects. Maybe for some of us, sex, libido, sexual attraction and the evolutionary psychology that goes with them is just that to us.... vestigial remnants that we don't need and may, for us, anyway, be better off not having at all.

It's not a matter of purity. It's a matter of compartmentalization and trending. Sooner or later, your pattern will become congruent with your emotions and you'll find that some other form of human contact works wonders for you where sex can't or doesn't. You'll find your place in the tapestry of human relationships, and hopefully, live happily ever after.

It doesn't have to be a Garden-of-Eden-Apple-Serpent scenario, there are other places on a spectrum where you can find your comfort zone. Don't worry too much about it, and it will more than likely sort itself out. Think more about what you feel you have and less about what you think you may be missing. Because you'll probably find, too, that what you're missing is what you didn't need anyway.