Are there people who would claim to be asexuals but are not?

[mayadee]

1. Are there people who would claim to be asexuals but are not?

2. If there are, why would they do that?

How do we know by conversation alone, if a person is not really an asexual?:

[dash]

There are people who go online and troll asexual people by pretending to be us just to mock us, sure. Not many, but there are a few.

Generally these people are pretty obvious because they say very untrue things about asexuality, and are obviously trying to mock and hurt us.

[Scottthespy]

I can imagine there are some people who think they're asexual, then decide later that they were demi or some such. Or stupid people who legitimately want to be anything aside from the norm...I met some one once who claimed to be a Nazi supporter...they weren't, they just wanted to say something shocking that set them apart from the 'normals'. Or there could be people out there misusing the word, meaning celibate or 'fed up with men/women for now and just not dating for a while'. As for the conversations...well, you can never tell what sexual or romantic orientation some one is for sure unless you trust what they say when asked. I've had straight friends that I swore were gay. I've known an incredibly gay man who'd hit on women all the time. I've often been told that my 'nice' is what other people my age consider flirting. Every one reacts and speaks differently, so you cant really say 'this person said that, so they're defiantly this way'.

[dash]

1. Probably.

2. Many reasons.

3. You don't.

Sometimes you do, though. There was a troll that was impersonating SwankIvy online and that person was very obviously not her.

[Jamesasaur]

1: There most likely is, whether they think they are or not. The sexual attraction definition isn't a precise one and people sometimes interpret it differently.

2: Because it suites them, i remember a post a couple weeks back where someone wanted to become and identify as asexual because he joined a christian school which obviously frowns upon most sexual activity. Can't remember how identifying as asexual would make his life easier though, he would still be the same person.

3:There aren't many ways to identify whether they are asexual or not as their sexual orientation varies from person to person, like AVEN says "asexuality is a spectrum". Obviously other than someone saying "i feel sexual attraction and an innate desire for partnered sex".

[Vaidd]

Do you want someone to believe a lie about you? If not, then why mislabel yourself? The purpose of labels, as I see it, is to fit an accurate, condensed explanation into a single term, allowing for effective communication. I see no logical reason for the desire for miscommunication.

[dash]

1. Probably.

2. Many reasons.

3. You don't.

Sometimes you do, though. There was a troll that was impersonating SwankIvy online and that person was very obviously not her.

Okay, you knew it wasn't SwankIvy... you knew it wasn't a specific individual. I assumed the OP was asking if you can (generally) tell definitively, via online interaction, if a person is asexual. I don't see the connection you're making.

The connection is that this troll who was claiming to be SwankIvy was saying they were asexual to try to mock SwankIvy (and everything else about her). As part of the trolling of SwankIvy in particular, the troll was making fun of asexuality as an orientation, saying all kinds of false things both about asexuality as an orientation and about SwankIvy's asexuality in particular.

[Zerο]

I actually met someone like that here who attended a few of our meet ups. I won't get into the details since it's a bit personal, but a friend (who she made a move on) and I are pretty sure she was just lonely and looking for friends / a relationship.

[Guest]

There was a troll that was impersonating SwankIvy online and that person was very obviously not her.

That's awful! Trolls are bad enough, but impersonating someone else and trolling as that person to muddy the ace-positive message they promote.. ugh.. that's sick. Sick.

Are there some people who would claim to be asexuals and are not?

TMI: sex talk, very offensive Troll talk

Depends on what you mean. Yes there are trolls who pretend to be asexual to cause havoc (had one come in chat once saying she was ''asexual because she only wanted her dad to finger her, and that's what all asexual girls secretly want''... clearly a troll trying to get emotional responses from people. Another guy came in saying he had a massive dick, but couldn't get it hard, so was asexual. Then when girls with pics of themselves in their ava's came into chat he'd be like ''omg my dick is getting hard now, I don't think I'm asexual anymore!'' ugh) People like this you can clearly tell are not asexual, but are just Trolling to be mean. You also get people who say ''ugh I've gone off men all they do is cheat and lie, screw that, I'm sick of them.. I'm asexual now.'' (seen quite a few people say this in places like Facebook and Tumblr) .. and yeah you get the sad few who do clearly know they are not asexual, but identify as that so they have an interesting label (have seen this too, sadly.. saw an article written by an 'asexual' woman saying ''I'm asexual because I love my dildo more than I love my ex-boyfriend, maybe if he wasn't such a jerk things would be different, but for now, this is how it is''..she had even made youtube songs about what a dick she thought he was etc.. sad.)

Then you get people who say someone else isn't asexual even though they say they are. For example, I have been told I'm not asexual because I have a libido and masturbate, and enjoy fetish. I have actually been told to my face in chat here that I have just jumped on the 'asexuality bandwagon' because it's a fad with young people these days. I have seen other's tell people here they mustn't be asexual if they enjoy sex. I have seen people say that anyone who thinks about other people when they masturbate cannot identify as asexual, regardless of the fact that person says they would never have sex with the person they are thinking about because they just aren't interested in having partnered sex.. So some people say other people are claiming to be asexuals who are not, because they themselves are intolerant of anyone who experiences asexuality different than them, which is really pretty unfair but it certainly happens fairly regularly (especially off AVEN, that sort of thing is modded pretty well here though)

1. How do we know by conversation alone, if a person is not really an asexual?:

I think unless someone is clearly trolling (in which case you should report them, not engage in argument with them) then you can't tell if someone is ''really asexual or not'' because if they are identifying as asexual, they are most probably doing so because they truly do identify as asexual: therefore, they are asexual. They may be exploring their sexuality, and decide later they are demi or gray, but that doesnt make their identity any less legitimate.. Everyone is free to explore their sexuality/asexuality, as long as they aren't hurting others, or breaking the ToS here etc.

[dash]

There was a troll that was impersonating SwankIvy online and that person was very obviously not her.

That's awful! Trolls are bad enough, but impersonating someone else and trolling as that person to muddy the ace-positive message they promote.. ugh.. that's sick. Sick.

SwankIvy posted about the incident on AVEN here. I don't have more details about exactly what was said... maybe that's on 4chan, but I'm not going looking for it.

I think the "highlights" are in the video.

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/86415-asexuality-an-overview-by-swankivy/ (scroll down).

[SithLord]

Some people don't know what asexual is and claim to be it. Some people think we just don't have a sex drive. Older people tend to think they're ace if an ace person explains it badly.

[mayadee]

Some people don't know what asexual is and claim to be it. Some people think we just don't have a sex drive. Older people tend to think they're ace if an ace person explains it badly.

older people also realize they're ace all along if an ace person explains it accurately

[Loki]

I'm trying not to stereotype but I find most younger people label themselves Asexuals too early before they start figuring out who they are and some people are late bloomers and jump the gun claiming they're Aces. It's normally not their fault, they're just trying to make sense of the world and themselves.

And yes there always will be trolls getting their kicks.

For conversation, there are so many ways to know if one is Ace or not. The most simplest way is to ask when it's appropriate to do so.

[Guest]

Do you want someone to believe a lie about you? If not, then why mislabel yourself? The purpose of labels, as I see it, is to fit an accurate, condensed explanation into a single term, allowing for effective communication. I see no logical reason for the desire for miscommunication.

Submitted for your consideration... closeted people, confused people, people who want to hide their sexuality for one reason or another.

These are all reasons one could logically conclude were a motivating factor in the misstatement of orientation.

[WünderBâhr]

Fact is that people just have to take each other's word, unless something else makes them believe otherwise. That would happen via internet, phone, letter and sometimes even in person. How can you tell who is asexual and who is not by looks alone? Well, unless they're carrying a neon sign saying "I'm asexual", you can't. And even then, it's up to interpretation.

I could tell everyone here that I am male. Would anyone dispute it? Maybe. Would they really know? Doubtful. Even if they'd met me, my gender is not as simple/obvious as describing hair/eye color.

As for why people do it: Why does anyone tell a lie? Many reasons. Sometimes people do it for attention. Sometimes people are confused. Some identify as asexual to eventually discover they identify differently. There's no discernable answer that covers what motivates people to say they are asexual if they are not.

And toward question #3: why does it matter? I'd be more concerned with my own life, identity and wellbeing, than worrying about whether or not someone else was not asexual. Unless it personally affected me (family member or partner), whether or not they choose to use the label makes no difference to me.

Now.. having said that, there are a few exceptions. If what it's being used to qualify as asexuality is, to my interpretation, incorrect (definition or media/public representation), then I "might" have some words to say to that. Otherwise, I go on my merry way.

[dash]

The connection is that this troll who was claiming to be SwankIvy was saying they were asexual to try to mock SwankIvy (and everything else about her). As part of the trolling of SwankIvy in particular, the troll was making fun of asexuality as an orientation, saying all kinds of false things both about asexuality as an orientation and about SwankIvy's asexuality in particular.

Okay. But still not the point of this topic.

Question 1: Are there people who would claim to be asexuals who are not?

I provided an example of such.

Question 2: If there are, why would they do that?

I provided an explanation for this individual's behavior. (As much as I can know why a troll on 4chan trolls.)

Question 3: How do we know, by conversation alone, if a person is not really an asexual?

This person engaged in many conversations with folks online for 12 days, posing as an asexual and soliciting others to "ask an asexual anything." We know this person is a fake because he was shown to be impersonating SwankIvy, and we seriously doubt he's asexual on his own given the false things he said about asexuality (and besides, why would one impersonate SwankIvy to provide good information on asexuality?). Thus one way to tell that someone isn't really asexual, by conversation alone, is if the evidence points to impersonation/fraud, and if the things they claim about asexuality (here, pretending to be "an expert"), are on their face false.

[dash]

Yes, I understand the SwankIvy thing and what you're saying. Perhaps we've just got wires crossed here, sorry. You did indeed provide an example. I was thinking more of just a general scenario where someone online was saying "I'm asexual!", not impersonating someone else... but your example still stands... and I don't know what I'm trying to say here anymore, haha. Never mind me.

Yeah, sure, when someone just shows up and says they're asexual, there's not a lot to go on, and we just have to give them the benefit of the doubt that they're telling the truth. And most are!

The only times I can say for certain when I know are people claiming to be asexual lying are cases like the one I mentioned. (And even that's the only one I can think of off the top of my head.) Unless they're trying to mock us, there's not a lot of reason IMO why someone would deliberately lie about something like this.

Beyond that, sure, sometimes people interpret the word differently, are trying to figure out their sexuality, etc. -- things others have said here. And we're having a possibly relevant conversation over on the Valeria Lukyanova thread here:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/110288-valeria-lukyanova-and-asexuality/

[butterflydreams]

I'm trying not to stereotype but I find most younger people label themselves Asexuals too early before they start figuring out who they are and some people are late bloomers and jump the gun claiming they're Aces. It's normally not their fault, they're just trying to make sense of the world and themselves.

Yes. I think this is a very fine line to walk, but it is there. I mean, 12, 13, 14 years old? That's a tumultuous time in life. So many pressures to seem grown up. To be interested in sex "just like all your friends" (who are probably faking it at that age anyway). If someone that age sees all that, and then finds asexuality, sure, it's going to make sense to them. I wouldn't tell them they couldn't identify that way, but I'd encourage them to keep their mind open in the future. I wouldn't encourage anyone that age to identify as anything. Things simply change too fast at that age, and you have so many more important concerns, like being a kid and having fun.

On the flip side, I wouldn't want them to be like me, holding on to heterosexuality 'til the bitter freakin' end. So maybe some sweet spot, right in the middle.