Realizing that my definition of 'attracted to someone' is different from most people's

[ACEchupacabra]

I've always talked with my friends about people who are "hot" or "sexcellent", but I only recently realized that we were on completely different wavelengths. Until I did a bit of research, I didn't realize I was asexual because of conversations like that. Now I realize that they were talking about sexual attraction, and I was talking about aesthetics. This happened when they started to talk about all the things they were doing with boyfriends and I could only think "what the heck for?" I've been wanting to come out to my mom, but because of the disconnect between my definition of attraction and most other people's, I've said things that will probably make her not believe me. Advice/similar experiences, anybody?

[verily-forsooth-egads]

I know, it took me forever to realise that when most people say sexy, they actually mean "a desirable partner for sex," not, like, food and magic blue boxes. I will tell you one thing though, if it's not that, your mum will find some other reason not to believe you. You just have to decide whether you're ready to explain it to her or not.

[cali87]

Same for me :p i have said things like "OMG, he's soo hot" before and i have blushed when aestheticly attracted to someone etc.. but i always assumed everyone else had the same meaning i did which was nothing beyond "wow he's good looking, i would sure love to walk around in public with that person" lol basically..a pretty accessory. It never crossed my mind that most people didn't mean it in a "nice purse" sense 😰 who knew?

[WhenSummersGone]

I was the same. I didn't understand what sexy means, I still don't, and I was looking at guys who looked good or guys I wanted to ask out. I had no idea the people around me wanted to have sex with someone.

[Jubal]

Say what? There are that many people my friends want to have sex with?! And... wow. Jealousy suddenly makes more sense now. I know from talking with folks the aesthetic part is there too, but wow.

[OkayWithIt]

I had the same "issues" in high school! Took me until my HS senior year to figure out that others felt things I didn't. Part of that was because my group of friends was kind of prude-ish, and never talked about sexual stuff. :P

[paperwishes]

Same. I actually still will use the term "hot" or "sexy" occasionally. It wasn't until here when people were saying that was purely sexual attraction I was like, "Oh I just used to mean I liked the way they looked??" I try to use "attractive" or "good looking" or "cute".

[Zosia]

[AceInhibitor]

I know, it took me forever to realise that when most people say sexy, they actually mean "a desirable partner for sex," not, like, food and magic blue boxes. I will tell you one thing though, if it's not that, your mum will find some other reason not to believe you. You just have to decide whether you're ready to explain it to her or not.

Was that...was that a TARDIS reference? ♥

I called a scientific concept I was really excited about 'sexy' once, and my friends seems really confused about it, like they must have thought meant I was actually aroused by it. I wasn't, I just found it really really exciting and I thought that was probably how the Doctor felt about the TARDIS. I talk about people being aesthetically attractive and being hot or gorgeous or whatever but I just figured people didn't really mean they were sexually attracted to them, I mean to my mind they're not real people, they're people on TV, it doesn't make sense to me. Even in real life, I wouldn't actually sleep with anyone.

[verily-forsooth-egads]

I know, it took me forever to realise that when most people say sexy, they actually mean "a desirable partner for sex," not, like, food and magic blue boxes.

Was that...was that a TARDIS reference? ♥

Yes, it was. :D

[AceInhibitor]

I know, it took me forever to realise that when most people say sexy, they actually mean "a desirable partner for sex," not, like, food and magic blue boxes.

Was that...was that a TARDIS reference? ♥

Yes, it was. :D

I love it

[Keels]

Yes, this is absolutely my experience. Luckily for me, it took me until my mid-forties to start figuring it out. :(

I actually spent about 20 years thinking I was bisexual, since my crushes/"squishes"/aesthetic attractions weren't noticeably different based on the person's gender. Now I realize it's not biSEXUALITY, it's other kinds of bi- or pan-attractions.

Like Zosia, I also wish I could go back in time and clarify things. In my case, of course, it would be WAY back in time. ;)

Oh, and +1 TARDIS.

[Guest]

Meh, most people are just playing during those conversations. They don't really mean it.

[verily-forsooth-egads]

Meh, most people are just playing during those conversations. They don't really mean it.

Sure, but I think there are different levels of "playing."

[Keels]

Meh, most people are just playing during those conversations. They don't really mean it.

You need to elaborate. Two short, declarative, categorical sentences don't really contribute to the discussion. C'mon, make a real argument!

[Psyche Swirl]

That's been my experience exactly. In high school I rationalized my aesthetic-based...version of attraction as an extension of being a visual artist. That seems really silly now when, many years later, I still haven't felt attraction as my friends describe it. I think I must have known on some level, but I've only recently - fully - realized what some allosexuals mean when they describe someone as "sexy".

On a funnier note, you introduced me to the word "sexcellent". :lol:

[Stefani30]

Ok i'm 30 yo here and I don't think I understand this. So when people say stuff life "look he is so sexy/hot" they wanna have sex whit that person? This makes no sens!!!

[languill]

Oh my god, its so nice to hear other people say this! In high school, people would ask me who I thought was sexy a lot (it seems to be a very common conversation among guys). I would just list people that I thought looked cool. Like oh, that girl has really cool hair, or her voice is really sweet and interesting, or her smile is really warm.

Other guys were more focused on boobs, butts, etc. Basically they were focused on what they found to be physically attractive instead of objectively beautiful, if that makes any sense. This is how I kind of realized that what someone considers sexy is what increases their level of arousal.

[TealXLIV]

AVEN and the forums have absolutely opened me up to realize that there are multiple people out there who mean aesthetically pleasing when they use "sexy" or "hot." That's the way I always meant it. I never thought to myself "Wow, she's so hot; I'd love to have sex with her." It was always a case of them just being pleasing to look at - someone I wouldn't mind being near or seen with. If other folks go around wanting to grind anything that moves then that's on them, but personally I'd rather just look at 'em and do something else like eat, or listen to tunes.

[littlepersonparadox]

I think a lot of words in society are used with different definitions by a lot of people. Some people solely mean sexy to indicate sexual attraction others mean they just think they look hot. Doesn't necessarily mean they are desiring sex with them at that moment.

Most TV shows and media really exaggerate sexual attraction and seems to predominately use sexy and hot as a short hand for "they are someone worth having sex with." In everyday life though the definitions and use of the words vary by everyone.

[averylongwalk]

I find this one of the most difficult things to describe to other people, I still often confuse people about it.

Describing to someone that your attraction is different than others is like describing why you like your favorite color opposed to theirs.

[dissolved]

For me it's the concept of instant sexual/physical attraction that I find baffling.

A nutjob that I used to work with would constantly fire off "he was hot" and similar comments at me about customers all day every day. It's a wonder she got any work done! All i could think was, but you didn't even speak to him!! How can you possibly find someone attractive that quickly?

Couple of years later I found the term demisexuality. And now I know why she could do that and I can't.

[AceInhibitor]

For me it's the concept of instant sexual/physical attraction that I find baffling.

A nutjob that I used to work with would constantly fire off "he was hot" and similar comments at me about customers all day every day. It's a wonder she got any work done! All i could think was, but you didn't even speak to him!! How can you possibly find someone attractive that quickly?

Couple of years later I found the term demisexuality. And now I know why she could do that and I can't.

Oh, well I can do that, but then I can also pass a cute cat or dog and go 'Awww, they're gorgeous!'. It's just an instant aesthetic reaction. I used to just call people 'cute' but then I got the impression that was seen as juvenile so I just started calling people 'hot'. I don't mean half the things I say so I'm always surprised when I realise other people do, I talk about wanting to marry people constantly. 'Oh that person's got a nice smile, definitely marriage material'. I don't even really want to get married, even if I did like someone. I just tend to over-exaggerate everything. I figured that's what everyone else meant when they talked about wanting to sleep with people.

[MarcusByerly]

I've been fortunate with an understanding mom. When I came out to her, she said she loved me no matter what. She also said sex is totally overrated and she could be asexual in a heartbeat. Lol.

I agree with you on the definition of sexual attraction. What I defined as "hot" was merely an admiration for the way someone looks.

For instance, I saw the Victorias Secret Fashion Show 2014. My guy friends all said nasty things... And of course I'm like "shhh!" I mean I just appreciated the art of these girls who don't eat sandwiches and have amazing push-up bras on!! Lol (sarcasm btw). Seriously though, they are great looking models that are interesting to look at. Would I envision having a sexual encounter with them? Uh no... That literally confuses my brain.

Same thing with this movie coming out called Exodus: Gods and Kings. All my gal pals are in love with Christian Bale. He's one of my favorite actors. Is he good looking? Uh.. Yeah. No argument. He's just as beautiful as Candice Swanepoel or Adriana Lima! Now when I say these things, my friends think I'm bisexual. It's so funny. I'm like the exact opposite. It's just... I have eyeballs, and I can clearly distinguish what's "hot" and what's "not" in my opinion. I think the fact that all I "see" physically is aesthetics, then all I can count on is my emotional feelings to attract me towards a person. Honestly, emotional attraction is way more deeper and authentic than any physical attraction will ever be. I think a bond like that is way more important than anything.

[dissolved]

For me it's the concept of instant sexual/physical attraction that I find baffling.

A nutjob that I used to work with would constantly fire off "he was hot" and similar comments at me about customers all day every day. It's a wonder she got any work done! All i could think was, but you didn't even speak to him!! How can you possibly find someone attractive that quickly?

Couple of years later I found the term demisexuality. And now I know why she could do that and I can't.

Oh, well I can do that, but then I can also pass a cute cat or dog and go 'Awww, they're gorgeous!'. It's just an instant aesthetic reaction. I used to just call people 'cute' but then I got the impression that was seen as juvenile so I just started calling people 'hot'. I don't mean half the things I say so I'm always surprised when I realise other people do, I talk about wanting to marry people constantly. 'Oh that person's got a nice smile, definitely marriage material'. I don't even really want to get married, even if I did like someone. I just tend to over-exaggerate everything. I figured that's what everyone else meant when they talked about wanting to sleep with people.

I understand the aesthetic reaction, it's what gives me the desire to speak to someone. But it's not a sexual thing, but it was instantly sexual for this woman I worked with. That's what I meant ^_^

[AceInhibitor]

For me it's the concept of instant sexual/physical attraction that I find baffling.

A nutjob that I used to work with would constantly fire off "he was hot" and similar comments at me about customers all day every day. It's a wonder she got any work done! All i could think was, but you didn't even speak to him!! How can you possibly find someone attractive that quickly?

Couple of years later I found the term demisexuality. And now I know why she could do that and I can't.

Oh, well I can do that, but then I can also pass a cute cat or dog and go 'Awww, they're gorgeous!'. It's just an instant aesthetic reaction. I used to just call people 'cute' but then I got the impression that was seen as juvenile so I just started calling people 'hot'. I don't mean half the things I say so I'm always surprised when I realise other people do, I talk about wanting to marry people constantly. 'Oh that person's got a nice smile, definitely marriage material'. I don't even really want to get married, even if I did like someone. I just tend to over-exaggerate everything. I figured that's what everyone else meant when they talked about wanting to sleep with people.

I understand the aesthetic reaction, it's what gives me the desire to speak to someone. But it's not a sexual thing, but it was instantly sexual for this woman I worked with. That's what I meant ^_^

Really? Yeah I don't get that. It's what I never understood about one night stands. I was like 'Sure they're pretty, but pretty enough to let them stick part of their anatomy into you? Nah'

Sometimes I'm amused by how ace I've been in the past without realising it

[AceInhibitor]

I've been fortunate with an understanding mom. When I came out to her, she said she loved me no matter what. She also said sex is totally overrated and she could be asexual in a heartbeat. Lol.

I agree with you on the definition of sexual attraction. What I defined as "hot" was merely an admiration for the way someone looks.

For instance, I saw the Victorias Secret Fashion Show 2014. My guy friends all said nasty things... And of course I'm like "shhh!" I mean I just appreciated the art of these girls who don't eat sandwiches and have amazing push-up bras on!! Lol (sarcasm btw). Seriously though, they are great looking models that are interesting to look at. Would I envision having a sexual encounter with them? Uh no... That literally confuses my brain.

Same thing with this movie coming out called Exodus: Gods and Kings. All my gal pals are in love with Christian Bale. He's one of my favorite actors. Is he good looking? Uh.. Yeah. No argument. He's just as beautiful as Candice Swanepoel or Adriana Lima! Now when I say these things, my friends think I'm bisexual. It's so funny. I'm like the exact opposite. It's just... I have eyeballs, and I can clearly distinguish what's "hot" and what's "not" in my opinion. I think the fact that all I "see" physically is aesthetics, then all I can count on is my emotional feelings to attract me towards a person. Honestly, emotional attraction is way more deeper and authentic than any physical attraction will ever be. I think a bond like that is way more important than anything.

I'm exactly the same. Every time I say I'm straight my friends are like 'Yeah, but, Natalie Dormer'. And she is lovely. And I guess I kind of get squishes on girls, it's kind of an idolisation thing more than a romantic attraction thus far, but I guess an argument could be made for me being bi. But I have a reputation for being insanely shallow because I have 'crushes' on so many actors and actresses. I just find a lot of people good looking! I guess that is shallow really. For me it's the difference between a song you hear that sounds nice, and a song that actually makes you feel something. I guess if you apply it to sexuality then asexuals appreciate the music but we don't want to dance to it.

[Burgundy]

Yep, same here. I might see someone and think 'oooh, they're pretty,' but it goes no further than that.