Jump to content

Anybody sometimes feel like you're lying to yourself about being ACE?


ACEchupacabra

Recommended Posts

WoodwindWhistler

To reassure anyone on this thread who has doubts about posting on AVEN, we welcome ALL orientations for discussion, even raging nymphos. In fact, allosexuals who come give us insight into other peoples' minds. There's even a whole forum for allies, as well as questioning. How can you not feel at home here? :(

I feel pretty asexual, and I honestly don't understand the wish to have any part of anyone else put inside me, but sometimes there's a little voice in the back of my head that says "you're just being dramatic, what makes you any different from anyone else?" It could come from the issue that while my mind doesn't have any interest in sex, my body still nags me about it (very annoying by the way). It's still irritating to feel that doubt, though. Does anybody else ever feel like that?

This is going to be a little off the wall, but I do chakra meditation, and since I've become aware of chi I always had a block at a place in my spine just below my shoulder blades. Even though I worked on it some myself, I've had a guy I'm now very close with try to do a healing there.

Before this, I had always seen food as annoying chore- something like paying money and time to fill up a gas tank. I'd get so involved mentally in what I'm doing day to day that I never realized I was hungry until my body's sore feeling forced its way into my awareness and obstreperously interrupted. Naturally, that is an unpleasant experience, and I probably psychologically associated it with eating, which is why I had some negative feelings attached to it. (Don't worry, I'm not anorexic or anything. I eat plenty.)

After he channeled his energy to this spot, it has loosened up some. For the very first time, my mind actually spontaneously turned to food, well before I was *really hungry. And, I would notice when my stomach was just a *little hungry in the course of my activities, before it got bad. I've sat down and actually enjoyed eating, as "mindfulness" meditation techniques and dietitians encourage people to. Sometimes I lapse into thinking of it as a bother again, but I'm making progress.

I'm thinking, that as I continue to work on this, my relationship with sexuality might change a little as well. But here's the thing. Unless you have a crazy sex drive that specifically *attached to other people, do you really NEED sex? If someone never wants to have sex, even though their body would probably like it and they're not repulsed, that is perfectly okay. The slight tingling that I've felt before can hardly be called "attraction," in that it doesn't demand anything, goes away after a little bit if nothing happens, and compared to the centuries of aching poetry that have been written about "love" and attraction, I can be reasonably certain it's a blip. I can't picture that radically changing. I'll still be on the spectrum. At many points in my meditation, when I take a step forward, I ask the question of whether my emotional healing is "awakening" something that will make me more like the average person in this regard, and the gut response I get is "not really, no." It used to give me some consternation, thinking that I liked the way I was and didn't want to mess with it. Now I'm pretty certain that the core is always going to be there, even if I mold the outside around it.

This may be TMI, but I've experimented some with masturbating, and while it's nice, I've used the analogy before that I don't enjoy it as much as playing the piano or singing. I don't have a libido. (using the same definition as before- it does not "demand" anything, just talks to me once in a blue moon, and goes away if not interacted with). I have little doubt, after this coupled with mental exploration, that I would like having a part of someone else inside me if I ever reached that point in a (LONG) relationship, but at the same time I'm comfortable with it never happening. If your body tells you it wants it, you are under no obligation to comply. (really, I believe this goes for most "average" people as well) I personally think it would help build a positive mental state if you consciously acknowledged it. Instead of thinking of it as "annoying," just sit with it a moment and accept it. If a puppy jumps up on your leg while you're reading, it is not trying to annoy you, it is just excited, and being what it is.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you start judging yourself and comparing yourself to a label, drop the label, immediately.

The entire asexuality spectrum is basically people who don't quite fit into any of the neat little boxes society lays out for sexuality and says "Choose one."

For homosexuals, even total acceptance by society (and I don't think they're there yet in many places) just adds a few more neat little boxes.

Going with what WoodwindWoman said, we ALL have second chakra energy (i.e. sexual energy). But, that is energy for all types of creation, not just sexual. Artists tap into this energy to create, say, great paintings. And, just like energy itself ebbs and flows, there's no way to say someone may feel and believe they are asexual today and find they have some categories of sexual desire tomorrow, which then shift more dramatically over time. But, what of it? Worst case, a particular label does not apply to you exactly. Guess what? NO label applies 100% to ANYONE.

The moment a label confines you, or stops serving you, drop it. Labels can be very handy and powerful signposts pointing you in a direction, but they aren't the destination.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Junelovesbagels

I doubt that I'm asexual sometimes and think I'm just a really late bloomer. Everyone in my family has been (grandmother was 18.) I've gotten to the point where it wouldn't make sense for me to this "late", yet I see it as a possibility. Then again everyone else my age are very sexual and have been for years.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well some days when I feel insecure, I question asexuality itself which leads to the same issue of thinking I might be "lying to myself". Right now I'm pretty secure in my knowledge that this is a valid orientation or category that's separate from the other (mostly better known and) accepted sexual orientations and that I belong in it.

Of course today I'm having a little crisis over realizing I don't actually have a libido, which admittedly is not something I care about other than how it relates to my asexuality. I have noticed people on the forum saying stuff that points to non-libidoists being sexuals without sexdrives and that might have irritated and confused me somewhat. If I don't feel sexual attraction, don't desire partnered sex and feel no need to masturbate, why would that make me any less asexual than someone who has a sexdrive that isn't directed at anyone? :/

Link to post
Share on other sites

Of course today I'm having a little crisis over realizing I don't actually have a libido, which admittedly is not something I care about other than how it relates to my asexuality. I have noticed people on the forum saying stuff that points to non-libidoists being sexuals without sexdrives and that might have irritated and confused me somewhat. If I don't feel sexual attraction, don't desire partnered sex and feel no need to masturbate, why would that make me any less asexual than someone who has a sexdrive that isn't directed at anyone? :/

Any time someone is saying you are less X than them, they are playing ego games. As long as you are true to what you know about yourself, and respect others may have completely different paths and views, don't take what they say to heart.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've had doubts on and off since I learned about asexuality. It took me a long time to come to terms with it and adopting it as part of my identity, and it's still something that I struggle to fully embrace. I'm pretty sure that I don't experience sexual attraction, but I do have something of a libido which results in some very mixed messages. It's also frustrating that asexuality is such an obscure orientation that it feels strange to strongly identify with it.

Then you toss in romantic orientation and it becomes increasingly difficult for MYSELF to wrap my head around it, let alone explain it to someone else.

I guess I just try to hold on to that feeling when I first discovered asexuality and how it just seemed to click instantly with me. I also try to remind myself that there is no distinct "standard" for being asexual -- there is a lot of flexibility and my actions and feelings are my own regardless of how I choose to identify myself. No sexual identity is perfect, human beings are too complex for that. But for me asexuality hits enough buttons that it's what I've chosen for the moment.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Also, to add to the complexity is that sexual people also naturally have ebbs and flows in their sexual desire. The fact is everything in our bodies naturally waxes and wanes in how much it's expressed. There are times in the day when I have a ton of energy, and others when I feel like taking a nap. Obviously any biological woman knows her periods are not always consistent, either.

Any label is, by its very nature, static. That is why they do not really map to something as complex as people well at all. They are ideal for, say, defining which screw to buy, or defining an inanimate object. But anything alive is always changing, so even a 100% accurate snapshot today may not remotely represent what it is like tomorrow --- such as mayflies for example, which live for a day.

There are only 2 ways we lie to ourselves. First, and most common is when we deny some part of ourselves because we don't want to believe it, so because it "Doesn't map to the Mental Model I want", we deny and ignore it. Second is when we aren't even consciously aware of what's going on. People with Aspergers can be quite unaware of what's going on in their physical bodies, for example.

Beyond that, honesty is really about accepting what's going on right now, inside and outside, no matter how it changes. Of course we can accept X and then choose to take action to change it, but until we accept it we can't change it effectively.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I use to question myself about being Ace, because how can I be Asexual if I still have thoughts about sex?

Then I did some more 'experiences' in life. Saw a few people naked and had the potential to do *ahem* activities, etc and still wasn't sexually attracted. I may find pleasure in sex, but I certainly don't 'need' it and to me that defines my asexuality.

Link to post
Share on other sites

With me it's like I almost don't want to think that I am asexual because I know it will screw up the idea of the life I've wanted since I was a little child- get married and have a child, but now I'm starting to doubt myself a little... what scares me the most is that I will never have a romantic relationship due to my very specific and small amount of romantic attraction, related to the small amount of asexual men. And some days I think that if put in the correct situation I may be able to have sex, but then I actually think with my head and imagine it seriously then I know that it's not likely. I feel like I'm lying to myself when I think I'm non-asexual, and lying to myself when I think I am...it's confusing. I like to blame my age but it doesn't help.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I doubt myself all the time as well... I used to identify as assexual but then I got tired of always feeling out of place evento here... I just wanted to be normal,as ridiculous as that sounds. I tried that for a while but found myself here again.

I do have intimacy issues and I freak out just thinking about getting physically intimate with Simeone, even if I somewhat feel romantically attracted to them. Oh well...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Reilly Ryugazaki

I get that, too - all the time. It seems like the standard doubts others have about asexuality kind of got to me after a while, like maybe I do just need the right person, or I'm making excuses for myself, being as overweight and introverted as I am and probably not able to get a date if I wanted to. That's just standard anxiety.

The main fear I have, though, is that there is actually something physically causing my asexuality (as I'm still pretty young, I worry about being a late bloomer), or that I'm just misreading myself, or that someday I'll no longer identify with the term asexual, and then everything I've done to educate those closest to me by coming out will backfire, because for all they know it was "just a phase", instead of me just learning new things about myself. I just worry about unintentionally proving those people "right", and being forever labeled as some kid who just wanted to stand out. Most of all, though, I worry about discrediting other asexuals by having a "phase".

It's terrifying to come out and finally stick a label on myself, because I feel like it's a point of no return.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I doubt that I'm asexual sometimes and think I'm just a really late bloomer. Everyone in my family has been (grandmother was 18.) I've gotten to the point where it wouldn't make sense for me to this "late", yet I see it as a possibility. Then again everyone else my age are very sexual and have been for years.

Hi Deer, to quote the founder of AVEN himself, "identity is a tool and not a label - an idea that you should be able to pick it up if it's useful to you and put it down if it's not, and one you should be able to redefine for yourself." Don't worry too much about "true" identity, if you're asexual now, you should feel free to use the identity to find people you can relate to and discover more about yourself. Don't sweat it :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
cheeringselenator

Sometimes I do doubt that I am asexual. But when that happens I can always go over why I identify as ace. Like I sometimes get crushes, and I've heard that if you are ace you can't have crushes. But even when I do have a crush, its not like what other girls have. I guess its more of a squish, I just call it a crush. And its never on people I actually know, its always celebrities or tv characters. Like I just cannot be romantically or sexually attracted to anyone I really know. Like people I go to school with or are friends with or that I see when I'm out. So I feel like its more of an idea and they are aestheticly pleasing. But those are my "crushes". But these doubts don't last long. I know I am an ace. I don't feel sexual attraction (or romantic attraction for that matter), and I am okay with it. And when I first discovered asexuality I felt relief that other people are like me and there is a name for my orientation.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it`s due to the fact that asexuals do have libido, and can get turned on , have orgasm, and all that jazz , BUT they`re not sexually attracted to anyone . So that can make them question their sexuality .

I was really confused that i can be aroused sexally , and yet i don`t feel sexually attracted to either men or women . So that was a sign to me that i`m not sexual .

I have done tests to check my hormon levels , i don`t suffer from depression or social phobia, so there is nothing physically and psychologically wrong with me .

The second thing is the fact that "normal " guys would prefer sex over any other activity . There`s a reason why the asexual community has this joke that cake is better than sex .

Because that`s what makes the difference between me and the other dudes, i would prefer watching a movie, listening to music, reading , take a walk in nature , or any other activity than sex, and i really mean it . :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
James Oswald

Yes, I used to question my orientation often. I wondered if I was deceiving myself, but not anymore. :cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes I wonder if it's just my anxiety. And sometimes I get overwhelmed at the thought of meeting someone that I will be attracted to that way that will force me to reconsider, and what that would feel like. It happened with romantic attraction, but sexual attraction is a whole lot more intimidating. But I also look at the many non-asexual people in my life and realize how different I am from them. So I don't worry about it nearly as much anymore.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...