Anybody sometimes feel like you're lying to yourself about being ACE?

[ACEchupacabra]

I feel pretty asexual, and I honestly don't understand the wish to have any part of anyone else put inside me, but sometimes there's a little voice in the back of my head that says "you're just being dramatic, what makes you any different from anyone else?" It could come from the issue that while my mind doesn't have any interest in sex, my body still nags me about it (very annoying by the way). It's still irritating to feel that doubt, though. Does anybody else ever feel like that?

[FallOutAtTheMotionCityDisc]

Yes, I doubt it almost daily :\

I don't have any desire to have sex mentally, physically, nothing. Yet I still doubt that I'm asexual... For me it could be a history of anxiety though.

[Goaty]

Yep, basically all the time. From what I know of sexual and romantic attraction, I don't feel them, but I still doubt myself basically all the time: "What if XYZ was really...?!" It's silly, but for some unfathomable reason it still happens. I went through an especially confusing phase recently when a guy expressed interest in me and, being the first time that's really ever happened, I gave a relationship a try. Boy, things got confusing. Buy my mind has settled back down again, and I'm back to my normal state of almost-completely-comfy-but-still-prone-to-doubt. Better than before at least, I guess. :P

[Astrochelonian]

I sometimes feel that way. I'm halfway convinced I managed to extinguish any feelings about sexual attraction before they started because I was so adamant as a teenager that I would never give into pressure from hormones. All those things people say to deny asexuality? Many of them actually apply to me and I can't 100% discount them. I don't trust anyone enough for intimacy, I am very religious, I am scared of pregnancy, I do have a hormone imbalance, I haven't totally ruled out meeting the right person (I'm super doubtful because I'm 32), I am celibate, I've never had any experience, I'm socially awkward and too lazy to date and no one's ever been interested in me. But no matter what the cause is, it is true that I don't experience any sexual attraction or desire for partnered sex.

[Eva]

Sometimes the constant "You won't know until you've tried it" gets to me and I wonder if I'm just being stubborn.

[The Emerald]

I sometimes feel that way. I'm halfway convinced I managed to extinguish any feelings about sexual attraction before they started because I was so adamant as a teenager that I would never give into pressure from hormones. All those things people say to deny asexuality? Many of them actually apply to me and I can't 100% discount them. I don't trust anyone enough for intimacy, I am very religious, I am scared of pregnancy, I do have a hormone imbalance, I haven't totally ruled out meeting the right person (I'm super doubtful because I'm 32), I am celibate, I've never had any experience, I'm socially awkward and too lazy to date and no one's ever been interested in me. But no matter what the cause is, it is true that I don't experience any sexual attraction or desire for partnered sex.

Wow, most of what you said is totally me (but not the celibate nor the age part and a few other things). I do feel a liiiitle romantic attraction though and I do find girls adorable to the point that I don't mind being with one... if it comes down to it.

[Exanimis]

Yup.

Thanks to my uselessly high libido I am reminded of sex constantly.

I think I am repressing myself but then I wonder "If I am repressing myself, why did I feel the relief I've felt when I found AVEN while bursting through tears? Is it really that simple? Am I repressing the disappointment, rejection, sadness and convincing myself I'm ace to not get out of my bubble?" But when I think that, I also remember that it is never that simple. At least with me.

Also, sometimes I imagine and fantasize all lots of romantic/sexual shit you can imagine, but when the dreaming is over and I'm back to reality, I see that I wouldn't be able to enact those fantasies, that is, make them come true. I find that every time I dream about this kind of shit, every single other thing draws my attention away from it. Sometimes I think I'm finding myself excuses, sometimes I don't know what these excuses are for.

But sometimes, the dream and fantasy, are so faint that I can barely pay attention to them.

I sometimes still miss and yearn for touch, intimacy and companiomship, and maybe even remotely (in case I feel prone or safe in an improbable scale) intercourse. But it doesn't feel me, like if it wasn't me there. But, something else.

The thought even makes me shrivel, so I don't know.

Althought I'm pretty certain of my asexuality, these things do happen to me.

[Guest]

Fortunately I've had enough partnered sex to know that I 100% have no desire for it or enjoyment of it (I enjoy having sex even less than I desire having it if that's possible lol).. But if I had never had sex I'd be really confused because I do feel sensual attraction and romantic attraction (EDIT: and I have a lot of uber-kinky fantasies and fetishes lol). Even for many of the years I was having sex, I still thought I was a regular sexual with something broken, because I still desired sensual intimacy and romance, it was just the sex itself I never wanted or enjoyed (partnered sex to me is stimulation of my genitals in any way by another person).

I also have a libido and masturbate, which made things even more confusing lol. So if I had never had sex, I honestly think I'd be identifying as a regular bisexual (well, a broken bisexual haha. Before I learned about asexuality I called myself a bisexual with broken plumbing :P). I know I desire intimacy and romance, and I was brought up believing that sex comes naturally with both of those things.. confusing much haha.

So for me, there is no doubt in my mind about my asexuality, but I can totally understand why it would be confusing for many other asexuals!

[Kazu]

Yeah I get like this time to time too which always freaks me out in case I've been wrong this entire time and it has all somehow just been a phase. The feeling usually goes away after a couple of days only to return a few months later. The time in between though I'm fairly confident that the labels I chose fit me well but those couple of days can shake me pretty well :/

[blossombreeze]

I feel the same way. Often. I think its a normal feeling because sex is so normalized and BOOM in your face 24/7, we feel constantly confronted with that us vs. them mentality, whenever sexual puns or jokes come into play, and we can either A. Play along at the sake of our identity or B. start a very awkward (for me, personally anyway) conversation about our identities. Like this is a daily occurrence almost, and I'm not gonna lie, I find myself sometimes making stupid sex jokes or playing along like the rest of them. So when I start playing along, and I stop always feeling on the defense about it, I start to feel like I'm losing my asexuality, if that makes sense. But thats not really true and I know that. Just cause I have sex with my boyfriend doesn't mean I'm not asexual and just cause I can stomach a sex scene in a film doesn't mean I don't feel differently about that situation than the allosexual person next to me. Sometimes I do even feel sex repulsed too. I'm just way more used to hiding it than being transparent about it and thats kinda the truth for all of us i think, you know? maybe its not but i definitely feel that way.

[averylongwalk]

Yeah, and to me...it's a part of myself i'd rather wish not to share. but there are a few people I'd like to talk about it to.

not that I would. but I legitimately feel that one day I will find someone who knows, not just that I'd rather not have sex, but that if i can share it with them...then it's something more than special to me.

[imgone]

I have always had a very very low libido, so I can't exactly relate to that part of the confusion, thooough I do have plenty of romantic fantasies that venture into physical territory, which I used to think was horniness but doesn't really come with desire or arousal soo *shrug*. But I can definitely relate to wondering if I'm just being dramatic, considering we're often told that women are just supposed to have low sex drives. That's a big reason why I don't come out much, especially because I am sexually active and people probably won't believe me. I'm just going to come across as some sort of special snowflake, trying to scrounge up some uniqueness from my "normal" sexuality. Lots of reasons this isn't true, though. For one I've spoken to other women, easily more sexual than I. And they definitely experience some kind of sexual attraction ("look at how HOT" is a common phrase), which was confusing for a while because I conflated it with aesthetic attraction. That was the really confusing part for me, really, not knowing what "sexual attraction" and "horniness" were and trying to figure out that I didn't feel them.

I don't experience so much doubt, anymore. For one, being on AVEN has helped. Just as there are threads with people asking "what is sexual attraction" there are people asking "what is romantic attraction," and the answer is always vague and includes some semblance of the phrase "you just KNOW," which is frustrating when I want to know what sexual attraction is, but I found myself doing the same when I tried to explain romantic attraction to people... And so I came to the conclusion that you really do just know attraction when you feel it, and I wasn't feeling it. Secondly, becoming sexually active with my boyfriend has confirmed a lot for me haha but obviously that wouldn't work for everyone. Finally, yeah occasionally some things crop up that are a little confusing, something gets me excited or something feels good, but I've learned to shrug my shoulders at it. Whatever I feel is what I feel, it doesn't invalidate the fact that I have yet to feel sexual attraction.

Buuut at the same time it's frustrating that I can feel so sure of myself now and still don't really feel like bothering to come out to most people. It does sometimes feel a little like cognitive dissonance, or lying through omission.

[binary suns]

[SithLord]

I'm always afraid that this identity will be wrong but that's probably because I'm always paranoid that what I'm doing is wrong.

This is the main reason I'm probably not going to come out to my parents for at least a few years. I don't want to come out as ace and then identify as something else and have to tell them that I was wrong.

[binary suns]

[Exanimis]

I'm always afraid that this identity will be wrong but that's probably because I'm always paranoid that what I'm doing is wrong.

This is the main reason I'm probably not going to come out to my parents for at least a few years. I don't want to come out as ace and then identify as something else and have to tell them that I was wrong.

I've already identified as bisexual to some friends.... Gaahh the trouble of coming out and having to explain all that shit.... It sounds exhausting. -_-

[binary suns]

[Exanimis]

Nah they were okay with it...

But... It's complicated.. There are a bunch of other things related...

People are complicated Teagan, you got that right....

[binary suns]

[imgone]

@Teagan: Interesting analogy! What I was mostly going for though is that being told "you just know" can be infuriating if you're questioning, but really it could be almost an assurance. If you don't know if you're feeling sexual attraction, there's a good chance you're not feeling it, I think. Like I said if I use my romantic attraction as an analogy here, I do have feelings I can identify as being romantic without an external definition from anyone else. If I experienced sexual attraction consistently I feel as though it would be the same way. But I don't have anything I can define that way, and while I didn't feel this way at first, right now I feel pretty comfortable with just not really knowing, because in a way that's part of how I know I'm asexual... If that makes sense hahaha.

I guess it's not as straightforward for everyone. I literally have no sexual feelings at all, directed at people or otherwise, so this might be a bit more of a no-brainer for me... But coming to terms with the idea that attraction is something "you just know" really helped me out with my own self-doubt. For others, it may be less black and white than knowing and not. *shruuug*

[binary suns]

[Guest]

Also have the same problem. I've tons of health [problems but have libido and sexual fantasies so I use to wonder if I'm rather ace or only celibate.

[romantic-woman]

Not much but sometimes i try to think what it would be like if i was different? Many around me press me to believe that i am not an ace and some relatives told me a week ago that i tell it (that i am asexual) to myself until i believe it and one told me to admit that all is a bad idea that i came across and in reality if i meet a nice guy who will love me i will be able to feel the need of having sex. o.O

I don't know about the future but all these years the thing was exactly the same, i can't feel sexual attraction and i don't desire to do it no matter how intense are my feelings for a guy.

[whitesphere]

I'm always afraid that this identity will be wrong but that's probably because I'm always paranoid that what I'm doing is wrong.

This is the main reason I'm probably not going to come out to my parents for at least a few years. I don't want to come out as ace and then identify as something else and have to tell them that I was wrong.

Even if you have chosen a wrong label or labels for who You are, it doesn't change anything. Here's the thing, if we wrote down a list of all of the labels, all of the external ways society and other people define us, it wouldn't and never COULD be who We are.

If you wrote down every single thought, feeling, thing you've done ever since your birth, it would be precisely as far from defining You as a single label.

So what does it matter if you're "wrong"? We all make mistakes. For the longest time I insisted I was an Introvert because I loved to read, hated large social gatherings (I get overwhelmed VERY easily there) and so on. It turns out I'm a definite Extrovert (ENFJ on the Myers-Briggs scale), but even if I'm wrong with that, it still doesn't define who I am.

As for "What if I lose all the friends I've made here?" Who says you have to? You won't lose anything of value, no matter what label or labels you apply to try to give a description of a tiny fragment of You to someone else.

[Xavy]

I question it a lot but the doubt only last for a few seconds and then it's like, who am I kidding, I am definitely Ace, there is no other explanation for me.

[Neurula]

Well, I know I'm ace for sure because I don't experience sexual attraction. That's one thing I'm certain about myself. However, I do doubt whether or not I would enjoy sex. I think I would. But then again I think I that because most people make sex out to be the best thing ever. I'm not sex-repulsed by the way. So yeah, I do wonder if I could build a connection with a guy--not necessarily experience attraction--then maybe I would eventually want and enjoy sex with him.

[deltaX]

I used to doubt myself a lot when I first started researching asexuality and being involved in the ace community, probably because it was all so new to me and it was hard to accept that things I thought for the first 19 years of my life was a lie.

Now I doubt myself a whole lot less, but it still does happen. I'm fairly confident in saying I have never been sexually attracted to anyone or felt a real desire to have sex, but sometimes reading hate comments on the internet makes me question that. There are a lot of people out there that think asexuals are just suppressing their sexuality or are trying to be "special snowflakes" or don't have feelings or whatever, and if I read too many of those comments in a row I start to question if I really am asexual. That's probably why I spend so much time on AVEN, because it's incredibly helpful to hear reassurance that those comments aren't true.

So yeah, I do have doubts sometimes.

[Laurens]

The first time I came across the term 'asexual' was three or four years ago. It sounded like me, but I had too much doubts and it felt right to "wait" just in case something would change. And the label didn't feel entirely useful because no one knows it exists or what it means. In the previous months, however, I have more embraced the label, because it's me. I've never experienced sexual attraction, so I'm asexual. So I'm getting only more sure about it.

But that doesn't mean I don't doubt it sometimes. Just as I have doubts about a lot of things (and to a certain extent, it is always good to question yourself and your beliefs). At times my libido can be fairly high, and then I can have some doubts, but I still don't want to have sex with someone, so yeah, in the end I come always back to the thought of being ace.

[Purnkin Spurce]

Yeah I feel the same sometimes. Even wonder what it would be like to have sex once and rid myself of feeling shameful about being a virgin. But I know, one has to be interested in sex in order for it to be at least pleasing. I know I have never experienced sexual attraction to others, but I still have body stuff that happens when I see images or fantasize about things. At first I questioned myself a lot, even wished I wasn't asexual but now that I've been calling myself ace for a while, took the time to research, I know this is the real me. And it's ok to question. You should always ask questions and never suppress any thoughts you have about your feelings.

[binary suns]