How do I tell them/him?

[The Emerald]

So he and I have become good friends and even dated. It as fun but I hope he can realize I am not sexually attracted to anyone and want a non-sexual relationship with a girl. The problem is that if I were t be with a girl it is considered a "major sin."

So I have someone who likes me and I kind of found out about it by accident... through a joke.

I dislike the idea... no, I hate it especially since I simply do not like guys in even a romantic way.

We are friends, but he still has the notion that I *might* get into him. He even PM'ed me on FB saying that he thought I was "the one" meaning his first girl friend (or maybe he thought as a wife... idk).

When is a good time to tell him I just can't get into guys and that there is a possible chance I won't be his girl friend? We do have a lot in common and kind of click but I just can't go against my feelings anymore and FORCE myself to like them.

That in itself is a living H*ll.

He also has friends who do not know and I am wondering if they need to know or not.

I have been wresting with the idea of being with a guy for so long that I did research about it in 2011-2012 and found out that I truly am an asexual homoromantic. I am happy with it and I feel like I have found a piece of myself that I have been looking for for so long.

[intellitubby]

Hey first of all, congratulations on finding out who you are and being comfortable with it. That's awesome :)

No, you should never even contemplate forcing yourself to be with someone. That never works out for anyone and will hurt all involved.

Friends don't really have a right to know anything in my opinion, unless you WANT to share it with them to get feedback/advise or simply to vent, but it's never a requirement.

You guys click, as you said, so hopefully you're in a position where you can sit down and be honest with him about the fact you don't see a future for you. It might hurt him, but things heal, it's better than leaving hi with a hope that doesn't exist and, cliche as it is, it's kinder in the long run.

Either way i hope you get this sorted and can continue a great friendship with the air cleared. Others on here will likely have personal anecdotes/ much more in-depth advise. But hopefully i've helped in some way :)

[Annie Mali A.]

Well, if he is really close to you, I would recommend taking him aside as soon as possible and telling him the truth privately. Waiting, I think will only make things worse I think, unless you're using it to get your thoughts together.

On the other hand, if you're not too close, make sure you know that he's serious about this. If he's not, there's no need to share something so personal, unless you choose to. If he is, you still don't have to reveal everything, you can just take him aside and tell him that you're not interested in him THAT way, and tell him honestly and gently, that you are getting frustrated with/tired of him thinking that you'll just "fall for him". Your orientation, I feel is kind of your business, and I don't think, if he's not super close, that he has a right to demand it from you.

I hope things work out! ~

[The Emerald]

Hey first of all, congratulations on finding out who you are and being comfortable with it. That's awesome :)

No, you should never even contemplate forcing yourself to be with someone. That never works out for anyone and will hurt all involved.

Friends don't really have a right to know anything in my opinion, unless you WANT to share it with them to get feedback/advise or simply to vent, but it's never a requirement.

You guys click, as you said, so hopefully you're in a position where you can sit down and be honest with him about the fact you don't see a future for you. It might hurt him, but things heal, it's better than leaving hi with a hope that doesn't exist and, cliche as it is, it's kinder in the long run.

Either way i hope you get this sorted and can continue a great friendship with the air cleared. Others on here will likely have personal anecdotes/ much more in-depth advise. But hopefully i've helped in some way :)

Thank you so much! This has helped me a lot.

[The Emerald]

Well, if he is really close to you, I would recommend taking him aside as soon as possible and telling him the truth privately. Waiting, I think will only make things worse I think, unless you're using it to get your thoughts together.

On the other hand, if you're not too close, make sure you know that he's serious about this. If he's not, there's no need to share something so personal, unless you choose to. If he is, you still don't have to reveal everything, you can just take him aside and tell him that you're not interested in him THAT way, and tell him honestly and gently, that you are getting frustrated with/tired of him thinking that you'll just "fall for him". Your orientation, I feel is kind of your business, and I don't think, if he's not super close, that he has a right to demand it from you.

I hope things work out! ~

I am not too close to him but we have a lot of the same interests and so that kind of made him like me too.

Usually people would say it's sweet that he likes me in that way and I should give him a chance, but as I said I cannot go against how I feel towards guys. I just see them in a friendship kind of way. So yeah, I will wait for a bit... maybe once the year is over to tell him so I can get my thoughts clear.

[averylongwalk]

Well, honestly, it sounds like he's laying it all out for you and maybe you might just be saying it could be possible.

I'd like clarification.

otherwise it sounds like;

It might be possible and that is incredibly different than it can't be possible.

[dissolved]

...but I just can't go against my feelings anymore and FORCE myself to like them.

Hmm, I went through something similar. About 10 years ago I started a relationship with a guy that I hoped I would eventually feel something for because he was so obsessed with me. I eventually resented him and it ended very very badly and I knew I'd wasted my (and his) time.

If in doubt, don't. You can't be forced into a relationship with him (or marriage for that matter). If he can't accept it, cut ties and bolt in the opposite direction.

[The Emerald]

Well, honestly, it sounds like he's laying it all out for you and maybe you might just be saying it could be possible.

I'd like clarification.

otherwise it sounds like;

It might be possible and that is incredibly different than it can't be possible.

I feel like it won't be possible. He thinks it can be but considering I am not even attracted to guys I don't think it will work.

[averylongwalk]

Well, honestly, it sounds like he's laying it all out for you and maybe you might just be saying it could be possible.

I'd like clarification.

otherwise it sounds like;

It might be possible and that is incredibly different than it can't be possible.

I feel like it won't be possible. He thinks it can be but considering I am not even attracted to guys I don't think it will work.

well i think you might be answering your own question. but, maybe, just maybe.

does he have anything you need?

even so, you think about the world different than him. why would that be a disadvantage?

[The Emerald]

...but I just can't go against my feelings anymore and FORCE myself to like them.

Hmm, I went through something similar. About 10 years ago I started a relationship with a guy that I hoped I would eventually feel something for because he was so obsessed with me. I eventually resented him and it ended very very badly and I knew I'd wasted my (and his) time.

If in doubt, don't. You can't be forced into a relationship with him (or marriage for that matter). If he can't accept it, cut ties and bolt in the opposite direction.

Thank you so much! My parents have been trying to get me to like guys even going so far as to say "Why haven't you gotten a boyfriend yet?" I never knew my sexuality until I did research and I told my mother (for some part she's accepted it but she hopes I can "find the right guy".

[The Emerald]

Well, honestly, it sounds like he's laying it all out for you and maybe you might just be saying it could be possible.

I'd like clarification.

otherwise it sounds like;

It might be possible and that is incredibly different than it can't be possible.

I feel like it won't be possible. He thinks it can be but considering I am not even attracted to guys I don't think it will work.

well i think you might be answering your own question. but, maybe, just maybe.

does he have anything you need?

even so, you think about the world different than him. why would that be a disadvantage?

No, he doesn't have anything I need.

Idk if it is a disadvantage to me but to him idk if he will accept it. I don't want to tell him my orientation because I don't know where he stands with people who are attracted to the same gender.

[dissolved]

...but I just can't go against my feelings anymore and FORCE myself to like them.

Hmm, I went through something similar. About 10 years ago I started a relationship with a guy that I hoped I would eventually feel something for because he was so obsessed with me. I eventually resented him and it ended very very badly and I knew I'd wasted my (and his) time.

If in doubt, don't. You can't be forced into a relationship with him (or marriage for that matter). If he can't accept it, cut ties and bolt in the opposite direction.

Thank you so much! My parents have been trying to get me to like guys even going so far as to say "Why haven't you gotten a boyfriend yet?" I never knew my sexuality until I did research and I told my mother (for some part she's accepted it but she hopes I can "find the right guy".

Don't know how old you are, but my mother is still doing this and I'm 27... but then again I don't ever plan to come out to her as it will probably kill her. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing ;)

[averylongwalk]

No, he doesn't have anything I need.

Idk if it is a disadvantage to me but to him idk if he will accept it. I don't want to tell him my orientation because I don't know where he stands with people who are attracted to the same gender.

Well these are definitely important questions, I mean, what do you want to spend on him?

What are you willingly to sacrifice(Compromise)?

I think you could find those things inside him. I mean, no one is worthless. Find something you want and just approach him. They have to be equal terms but if you find the right mixture, they can definitely be equal terms. You can both benefit from each other. and if that's not a mutual relationship from each other, I don't know what is.

[The Emerald]

...but I just can't go against my feelings anymore and FORCE myself to like them.

Hmm, I went through something similar. About 10 years ago I started a relationship with a guy that I hoped I would eventually feel something for because he was so obsessed with me. I eventually resented him and it ended very very badly and I knew I'd wasted my (and his) time.

If in doubt, don't. You can't be forced into a relationship with him (or marriage for that matter). If he can't accept it, cut ties and bolt in the opposite direction.

Thank you so much! My parents have been trying to get me to like guys even going so far as to say "Why haven't you gotten a boyfriend yet?" I never knew my sexuality until I did research and I told my mother (for some part she's accepted it but she hopes I can "find the right guy".

Don't know how old you are, but my mother is still doing this and I'm 27... but then again I don't ever plan to come out to her as it will probably kill her. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing ;)

Buahaha that last line made me giggle. I am surprised you never came out to your mother.

I am 21 so I am still a baby. I commend you for being so strong about it. I just had to tell someone and my mother is the best person to do so I guess :/

My mother says my desires for only female asexual companionship is because of my background of not really having a father figure there for me emotionally. Sure he kept a house over my head, but he kind of ignored me even though we were in the same house growing up.

He even said blatantly that he would rather be at work than at home once.

That and the fact that the religion I was raised in is STRONGLY against same-sex marriage and such is why my mother wants me to "try to like boys". Idk if my feelings will change towards guys, but right now I really do not trust any of them. Even trusting my friend who likes me is hard.

[dissolved]

...but I just can't go against my feelings anymore and FORCE myself to like them.

Hmm, I went through something similar. About 10 years ago I started a relationship with a guy that I hoped I would eventually feel something for because he was so obsessed with me. I eventually resented him and it ended very very badly and I knew I'd wasted my (and his) time.

If in doubt, don't. You can't be forced into a relationship with him (or marriage for that matter). If he can't accept it, cut ties and bolt in the opposite direction.

Thank you so much! My parents have been trying to get me to like guys even going so far as to say "Why haven't you gotten a boyfriend yet?" I never knew my sexuality until I did research and I told my mother (for some part she's accepted it but she hopes I can "find the right guy".

Don't know how old you are, but my mother is still doing this and I'm 27... but then again I don't ever plan to come out to her as it will probably kill her. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing ;)

Buahaha that last line made me giggle. I am surprised you never came out to your mother.

I am 21 so I am still a baby. I commend you for being so strong about it. I just had to tell someone and my mother is the best person to do so I guess :/

My mother says my desires for only female asexual companionship is because of my background of not really having a father figure there for me emotionally. Sure he kept a house over my head, but he kind of ignored me even though we were in the same house growing up.

He even said blatantly that he would rather be at work than at home once.

That and the fact that the religion I was raised in is STRONGLY against same-sex marriage and such is why my mother wants me to "try to like boys". Idk if my feelings will change towards guys, but right now I really do not trust any of them. Even trusting my friend who likes me is hard.

I've never had the desire to tell her. It would be very very unlikely that she would understand, and probably tip our fragile relationship over the edge. A lot of people in my family are hypersexual and like yours, very against anything same sex. Nothing to do with religion though, just been told repeatedly that it's wrong, disgusting etc etc. In fact, most things that are "out of the ordinary" are absurdly wrong to them.

Here's to rebellion!

[The Emerald]

No, he doesn't have anything I need.

Idk if it is a disadvantage to me but to him idk if he will accept it. I don't want to tell him my orientation because I don't know where he stands with people who are attracted to the same gender.

Well these are definitely important questions, I mean, what do you want to spend on him?

What are you willingly to sacrifice(Compromise)?

I think you could find those things inside him. I mean, no one is worthless. Find something you want and just approach him. They have to be equal terms but if you find the right mixture, they can definitely be equal terms. You can both benefit from each other. and if that's not a mutual relationship from each other, I don't know what is.

Thank you. I managed to do so and he took the reveal really well. He still feels for me but I guess he kind of had an idea that I might be attracted to girls since I clicked with his female friends so easily.

[Ricecream-man]

Idk if my feelings will change towards guys, but right now I really do not trust any of them. Even trusting my friend who likes me is hard.

Everytime I see something like this it makes me sad. Even more so because there's probably a good reason behind it.

I'm glad that you were able to handle things amicably with him though :D

[The Emerald]

No, he doesn't have anything I need.

Idk if it is a disadvantage to me but to him idk if he will accept it. I don't want to tell him my orientation because I don't know where he stands with people who are attracted to the same gender.

Well these are definitely important questions, I mean, what do you want to spend on him?

What are you willingly to sacrifice(Compromise)?

I think you could find those things inside him. I mean, no one is worthless. Find something you want and just approach him. They have to be equal terms but if you find the right mixture, they can definitely be equal terms. You can both benefit from each other. and if that's not a mutual relationship from each other, I don't know what is.

Well, it doesn't matter now since I have told him already. He actually took my reveal of my asexuality pretty well :3

[The Emerald]

Idk if my feelings will change towards guys, but right now I really do not trust any of them. Even trusting my friend who likes me is hard.

Everytime I see something like this it makes me sad. Even more so because there's probably a good reason behind it.

I'm glad that you were able to handle things amicably with him though :D

Why does it make you sad? There is a good reason behind it but I would not like to get into it. Nothing major though, but not for this site of random strangers.

And yes, I am glad he took the news very well.

[Ricecream-man]

Idk if my feelings will change towards guys, but right now I really do not trust any of them. Even trusting my friend who likes me is hard.

Everytime I see something like this it makes me sad. Even more so because there's probably a good reason behind it.

I'm glad that you were able to handle things amicably with him though :D

Why does it make you sad? There is a good reason behind it but I would not like to get into it. Nothing major though, but not for this site of random strangers.

And yes, I am glad he took the news very well.

It's this part specifically.

I really do not trust any of them. Even trusting my friend who likes me is hard.

Like I said and you confirmed I'm sure that there's a good reason behind your distrust of guys, but it's the fact that something happened for you to feel this way. The fact that one or multiple men in your life has done enough harm for you to be distrusting of half the planet makes me a bit sad.

[The Emerald]

Idk if my feelings will change towards guys, but right now I really do not trust any of them. Even trusting my friend who likes me is hard.

Everytime I see something like this it makes me sad. Even more so because there's probably a good reason behind it.

I'm glad that you were able to handle things amicably with him though :D

Why does it make you sad? There is a good reason behind it but I would not like to get into it. Nothing major though, but not for this site of random strangers.

And yes, I am glad he took the news very well.

It's this part specifically.

I really do not trust any of them. Even trusting my friend who likes me is hard.

Like I said and you confirmed I'm sure that there's a good reason behind your distrust of guys, but it's the fact that something happened for you to feel this way. The fact that one or multiple men in your life has done enough harm for you to be distrusting of half the planet makes me a bit sad.

It makes a bit confused how you would be sad about it. I am quite happy liking girls, to be honest.

[Ricecream-man]

It makes a bit confused how you would be sad about it. I am quite happy liking girls, to be honest.

I thought you said you had trouble trusting guys? I mean, your romantic preferences are your own and there's no reason for me to feel sad about them in any way. It was the fact that you said you can't trust men as people. Nevermind, I must have misunderstood sorry about that.

[The Emerald]

It makes a bit confused how you would be sad about it. I am quite happy liking girls, to be honest.

I thought you said you had trouble trusting guys? I mean, your romantic preferences are your own and there's no reason for me to feel sad about them in any way. It was the fact that you said you can't trust men as people. Nevermind, I must have misunderstood sorry about that.

It's ok.

I don't remember saying "I don't trust men as human beings", but if I did I didn't mean it like that at all. Just relationship-wise I don't trust them. It's ok if you misunderstood, no biggie.