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Trying to figure out who I am...


Member82318

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Hello! I'm new and I feel bad for just joining then posting, but I've been reading a whole lot about identities and running around in circles. I find something that I think fits, but then read up on it more and it's like wait no that's not me.

So I discovered I was a lesbian in junior year of high school, which apparently is late (according to some people I've told), but honestly I never had crushes on anyone before and it was only then that I realized that I was mega attracted to girls. It took some adjusting but I got used to it. Fast forward to now and I just discovered the term aromantic. I seriously relate to this a lot because I never had a crush before (Besides pretend or forced crushes where I meet someone and think 'what if this person was the one' and imagine a life with them. There's no attachment to it. I usually find out they're taken or they're a jerk and I'm like oh bummer onto the next person.) and it just feels right.

However I consider myself a very sexual person. I've never dated or kissed (and I'm not sure if this is because of social anxiety or because I'm aromantic) and I never found a person I wanted to do these things with (besides the forced crushes), but I fantasize about sex a lot. I enjoy reading sex scenes, looking at sexual things, etc, and I feel attracted to people I've never met and probably never will (like fictional characters, sexual pictures/porn), but never when I went out into the real world. And I'm not sure what I'm feeling is sexual attraction or aesthetic attraction, but that might be another discussion altogether. I feel like demisexual might fit because I would never have sex with someone I didn't know/trust, but is that a lifestyle choice or my orientation also the instant attraction to some things makes me wanna reconsider.

I don't know the point of posting this. I think i'm looking for a discussion at this point or maybe just somewhere to rant where people don't know me? I'm not sure. Just trying to get all my thoughts down so they make sense. I have a lot of thinking in my future I guess....

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Annie Mali A.

Hello & welcome ~ :) :) :cake::cake::cake:

I used to be pretty lost about where I stood on the ace spectrum as well, so maybe I can help a bit? :blush:

However I consider myself a very sexual person. I've never dated or kissed (and I'm not sure if this is because of social anxiety or because I'm aromantic) and I never found a person I wanted to do these things with (besides the forced crushes), but I fantasize about sex a lot. I enjoy reading sex scenes, looking at sexual things, etc, and I feel attracted to people I've never met and probably never will (like fictional characters, sexual pictures/porn), but never when I went out into the real world. And I'm not sure what I'm feeling is sexual attraction or aesthetic attraction, but that might be another discussion altogether. I feel like demisexual might fit because I would never have sex with someone I didn't know/trust, but is that a lifestyle choice or my orientation also the instant attraction to some things makes me wanna reconsider.

Just because you're interested in sexual things, or fictional characters, doesn't necessarily mean you're a "sexual" person(but it certainly doesn't mean you're not either). The current definition of asexuality on AVEN is "someone who experiences little to none sexual attraction" which many people take to mean, "someone who doesn't desire partnered sex, or who doesn't need it". It's possible you could just have a high libido and still be an asexual.

Now, from what you described, it seems as if you're contemplating demisexuality: someone who doesn't feel sexual attraction, unless an emotional bond has been formed. If you feel this is you, then by all means, don't hesitate to research some more. Nobody can ever tell you that you've defined yourself wrong, so there's no need worry that you might mess up. ^_^

Demisexuality falls under the umbrella of Graysexuality too though. Graysexuality: Someone whose sexual attraction is somewhere in between "sexual" and "asexual" This could also describe you if you feel like you fall under this spectrum.

I hope this helped a little!! ~ :wub: :lol: :lol:

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Hello & welcome ~ :) :) :cake::cake::cake:

I used to be pretty lost about where I stood on the ace spectrum as well, so maybe I can help a bit? :blush:

However I consider myself a very sexual person. I've never dated or kissed (and I'm not sure if this is because of social anxiety or because I'm aromantic) and I never found a person I wanted to do these things with (besides the forced crushes), but I fantasize about sex a lot. I enjoy reading sex scenes, looking at sexual things, etc, and I feel attracted to people I've never met and probably never will (like fictional characters, sexual pictures/porn), but never when I went out into the real world. And I'm not sure what I'm feeling is sexual attraction or aesthetic attraction, but that might be another discussion altogether. I feel like demisexual might fit because I would never have sex with someone I didn't know/trust, but is that a lifestyle choice or my orientation also the instant attraction to some things makes me wanna reconsider.

Just because you're interested in sexual things, or fictional characters, doesn't necessarily mean you're a "sexual" person(but it certainly doesn't mean you're not either). The current definition of asexuality on AVEN is "someone who experiences little to none sexual attraction" which many people take to mean, "someone who doesn't desire partnered sex, or who doesn't need it". It's possible you could just have a high libido and still be an asexual.

Now, from what you described, it seems as if you're contemplating demisexuality: someone who doesn't feel sexual attraction, unless an emotional bond has been formed. If you feel this is you, then by all means, don't hesitate to research some more. Nobody can ever tell you that you've defined yourself wrong, so there's no need worry that you might mess up. ^_^

Demisexuality falls under the umbrella of Graysexuality too though. Graysexuality: Someone whose sexual attraction is somewhere in between "sexual" and "asexual" This could also describe you if you feel like you fall under this spectrum.

I hope this helped a little!! ~ :wub: :lol: :lol:

Thank you for the response!

I hesitate to use the label demisexual or asexual since I do feel immediate attraction for some people (though I do only think it's fictional characters) And also I feel like I don't fall under the asexual definition because I desire partnered sex? I mean I think it might be nice. It sounds nice when I read about it lol. But I will think about the libido vs sexual attraction bit. Now I think I don't understand the meaning of sexual attraction lol.

Thank you for the help! I have lots to think/read on.

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i think attraction to only fictional characters probably does fall somewhere in the asexual spectrum? because it's not realistically linked to that desire for partnered sex etc, you know it can never be reciprocated and all that. i dunno i'm just rambling haha. welcome to the forum, i'm new this week too.

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i think attraction to only fictional characters probably does fall somewhere in the asexual spectrum? because it's not realistically linked to that desire for partnered sex etc, you know it can never be reciprocated and all that. i dunno i'm just rambling haha. welcome to the forum, i'm new this week too.

But does whether or not it's reciprocated matter in this case? It happens so it's there? I dunno. Thanks for the welcome! Hopefully we both find what we're looking for.

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Annie Mali A.

Ah. There are orientations like, recipromantic and lithromantic, which mean that, for the former, you only feel romantic attraction to someone who feels romantic attraction to you first. For the latter, it means the opposite, you are attracted to someone who doesn't share your feelings, and lose your attraction when they gain romantic feelings for you.

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure you could use the same terms but with -sexual, as in for labeling sexuality, if you want. ^_^

Um, if you have any more questions, don't hesitate to ask! There are plenty of people here who probably know more than me about the more technical terms. :P

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Maybe it is the idea of (partnered) sex that seems interesting.

I just defined myself as greyA myself. Why? Because I desire sexual interaction sometimes. I mean, really very rarely (maybe 2-3 times a year on average). I think I'm like, 90% asexual. The idea of sex is exiting though. I enjoy fantasizing about it and occasionally watching it but the real thing is never as good as we're led to believe I mean, when it comes down to it I'd rather take care of my arousal myself (which takes mere minutes). Partnered sex to me isn't worth the trouble or the time it takes, I'd prefer watching reruns on tv even lol. But alas, my partner needs it. And it's not that big a deal to keep fighting over.

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