Being Asexual with a Sexual?

[Elisabeth33]

Warning: Talking about sexual content, I guess.

My boyfriend (a sexual) that I have been dating for a while came to visit me for a day. We spent the day cuddling in his motel room and spending time with each other. However, at some point, we went into doing more sexual things (but not actually having sex). The entire time, I kept telling him that I felt nothing, in terms of being aroused. We tried everything to get me aroused, but I just couldn't feel anything. I felt broken and upset because he was obviously aroused and felt pleasured, but I felt nothing at all.

When we would cuddle afterwards, I explained a little bit about asexuality (he knows I'm asexual) and how it might be attributed to my lack of arousal. However, I feel like I said it in a way that says "No matter what you try, you can't pleasure me". I don't know how to explain everything that is going on with me, like what a lack of sexual attraction is or anything within the characteristics of asexuality. I love this guy, and he loves me in return, but I want to talk about this stuff now so that he knows. Any suggestions?

[Ricecream-man]

Don't say it that way. Rather phrase it in a way that says that you're just not able to feel aroused and that you've never felt that way before. It'll make him feel a lot better if you make it clear that you've felt that way your whole life. That, and describing your romantic feelings towards him should help as well.

Perhaps talk about what you two want to do in regards to sexuality afterwards? And if there are acts that you're okay with/enjoy doing then express that too.

I wish society hadn't placed so much weight on a man needing to have sexual prowess but it has and it's probably become the most delicate part of a man's ego these days.

Good luck!

[Fruity<3]

Ah the pickles. Perhaps you could try to talk about it lightly and emphasize that it's not his fault. I had ace conversations with my ex, but it was light so I felt less broken and he knew how I worked. I do; however, get aroused. Sex itself just doesn't do very much for me. What helped for me to open up sexually and actually enjoy the experience was actually not caring if I was aroused or would orgasm. And instead of putting pressure on myself, I did whatever I liked best with him. Even you don't find physical pleasure in it, you could still do things you're comfortable with. Do things you enjoy the most out of it (mentally perhaps?). When I focused on the physical feeling of sexual related interactions, nothing happened :/

Anywho, that doesn't really address your statement. You could just bring up the topic when you're cuddling. The touching allows for positive endorphins and might lighten the load.

I will give you some advice though, but take it with a grain of salt. When I was with my ex, I continually put myself in a category and talked to him about it. He began assuming how I worked based on those categories. And regardless of me starting to enjoy things, he thought I was still not getting pleasure out the intimacy and it put so much strain on him until he called it off. Don't be scared though! We didn't date for more than 2 months, you two probably are closer than we ever were.

Good luck!

[Ziggy_G]

Emphasis that its something you've never felt. Dont make it seem like a challenge he's failing, but more like a mutual experiment. And feed his ego is other respects. Make sure he knows all the little things you love about him and the romantic side of it gets proper attention. Guys can have sensitive egos but that also means they can be built up easily

[CrowWakes]

What I do with my partener is since she is sexual and i am not I help her. I dont feel a need to be pleasured but she does so I pleasure her on set dates. we set a date about once a month. As well she can kiss me places that arouse her as long as she doesnt go past the boundaries we set (no lips, no reproductive regions) so that she does get arousal still, but I dont have to experience anything more than a sort of massage. If that helps you at all you welcome, if not im sorry i wasnt more helpful

[Guest]

Warning: Talking about sexual content, I guess.

My boyfriend (a sexual) that I have been dating for a while came to visit me for a day. We spent the day cuddling in his motel room and spending time with each other. However, at some point, we went into doing more sexual things (but not actually having sex). The entire time, I kept telling him that I felt nothing, in terms of being aroused. We tried everything to get me aroused, but I just couldn't feel anything. I felt broken and upset because he was obviously aroused and felt pleasured, but I felt nothing at all.

When we would cuddle afterwards, I explained a little bit about asexuality (he knows I'm asexual) and how it might be attributed to my lack of arousal. However, I feel like I said it in a way that says "No matter what you try, you can't pleasure me". I don't know how to explain everything that is going on with me, like what a lack of sexual attraction is or anything within the characteristics of asexuality. I love this guy, and he loves me in return, but I want to talk about this stuff now so that he knows. Any suggestions?

I do not enjoy sex at all. There literally is nothing that my partner can do to pleasure me, sexually. I've told him, cause it's best to be honest. You can tell your guy what you DO like though. Kissing/cuddling etc and explain that is how he can "please you" if he wants. Maybe you like some sensual activity you could do while doing the sexual stuff? That way he can give you something while you give him stuff. Even if it's not exactly what he wants it to be.