I've just realised I'm asexual but my wife needs sex

[flyingbythemoon]

I have been married for 7 years and have 4 children. I'm happy in my marriage but sex has always been a reoccurring problem. We've been going round in circles and now I think I've finally come to terms that I am asexual. However my wife is a sexual person and although she supports me fully and is beginning to understand my position, eventually she will need sex to satisfy the needs she has that I cannot fill.

Although she assures me and I trust her that she would never cheat on me I also understand that she will need some form of sex and it will need to come from some other place. I'm scared of how I would deal with this as even though I am not in a sexual place I still am extremely in love with her and she with me. I fear this will eventually crush us.

What are my options. I genuinely don't know.

[Rwkropf]

Have you tried a compromise where there is sex, but not too frequently. People say sex is a biological need, and for sexuals, I believe this to be true.

I understand if you don't wish to tell, but why do you feel like you are unable to help her in this regard. You are capable of having sex seeing as you have had 4 kids.

[Guest Sheka4]

I think you need to sit down with your wife, maybe when your kids are away pr after your kids are sleeping and you have the time you need to talk with your wife. Talk with her about what your standpoint on sex is, what compromises you are willing to make when it comes to sex, talk with her about what compromises she is willing to make about sex within your marriage. Both of you nees to talk to see what middle ground you guys can come to.

[Guest]

Sorry for your situation.

I'm sure I'm going to get beat over the head for saying this, but...

Your wife probably does mean what she says when she says that at some point she needs her sexual needs met. I have no doubt that as she's sitting before you, she feels a combination of panic, fear, and sadness (all of the... wait, am I never going to have sex again? and wait, did he never want to have sex with me? and shitttttt what am I doing!!)... and she's probably also feeling irritated and angry that something that she thinks should be taken for granted - marital sex - is no longer being taken for granted. So, to some extent, my guess is that she threatened you with seeking sexual satisfaction elsewhere as a way of 1) making you feel what she is feeling, 2) making sure you understand how important this is to her, and 3) as a way to get you to change your mind. It wouldn't surprise me even a little bit if she ended up being devastated if you said "ok honey, go bang whoever you want, i'm fine with it!"

Basically, by telling her you are done with sex, you've taken something very important away from her and she's probably freaking out about it... she hasn't had the time to process this like you have (plus she doesn't feel the way you feel), so she's not ready. She's not ready to just say "ok buhbye sex!" like you are. So this is her way of keeping it going, hanging in there... think of it as the "bargaining" stage of grief, if you will.

I know you're not necessarily asking for help on how to make her feel better, and I don't have a lot of advice to give, but the best I can say is... if it hurts your feelings for her to sleep with other people, tell her that. Be willing to be extremely vulnerable to her because she is probably feeling very vulnerable herself. And please know that these talks you're having, you're going to have a lot of them. Its going to feel like you have to say everything all at once, but try to keep in mind that it's a process and new feelings, ideas, compromises, etc will likely continue to crop up.

Best of luck to ya...

[Scottthespy]

The way I see it, you have a few options. One is to talk, seriously talk, about an open relationship. There is a LOT of communication needed there. Is she comfortable, are you comfortable? How far does she want to go, how far are you okay with? Does she want one night stands? An emotional connection? A recurring but not emotionally intimate bedbuddy? What are her boundaries? What are yours? And so, so much more.

Another option is the compromise...if sex is something you 'don't need or want', but isn't something you actively dislike, then you could work on having a certain amount of sex...once a week, twice a month, whatever you two can compromise on. It would also take a lot of talking, to figure out how to make it so that it wasn't her doing all the work and you just counting the time till it was over. You'd need to make sure she felt loved with this act, not pandered to. Compromises on this matter can be tricky, but it might be a good place for you to start.

A third option, if you don't mind the sexual acts but just can't get physically into it, are couples toys. Kinky as it may sound, most sex toys can be used in couples situations...and several require one partner to handle the toy for the other . This would allow you to focus on how much she's enjoying herself without having to worry about your own physical response...or lack thereof. Toys obviously aren't for everyone, and can seem embarrassing or intimidating when you first go into them...I recommend a review comic called Oh Joy Sex Toy, that gives friendly, comfortable explanations and reviews of toys, practices, websites, fetish gear, and even certain topics like consent, or how to make a three way work. The three way page, if you use its lessons but remove the 'you' from the sexual part, can also be a good way to figure out an open relationship. The comic is not recommended for sex repulsed people, but you don't seem that way.