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Attempting an Open Relationship but being unsure about it...


Hastings

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Hello everyone

So, having come to the conclusion with my partner and myself that I am largely asexual (I think I'm gray-A) we are batting around solutions to being in a relationship between an asexual and sexual partner.

My partner brought up the possibility of an open relationship, where we could both be with other people. Being asexual, naturally, I wouldn't be seeking out another partner. She asked if she thought it is something I could consider, and honestly, I have no idea. I said maybe, but deep down I was thinking "hell no!"

My gut tells me I would be heartbroken if she were to be with another man, even with permission. Just the thought of it makes me feel sad, so if it were to ever happen I don't know how I would handle it.

But at the same time, I want to try. I feel if I don't it is completely unfair on her.

The main issue I am having is that fear of losing her. I know the reason she struggles with my asexuality is that she wants to be wanted, it's not so much the physical aspect. So, if she finds someone who wants her, I fear she will have a moment of realization of what she has been missing out on, and leave me. Honestly if it was just a physical thing it might be easier, but the fact there are emotions tied to it makes me scared of the possibilities.

For now I have said it is something to explore as to the process, since she said she couldn't just go out and hook up with someone she doesn't know. She isn't going to do anything without my permission, and I trust her not to.

It feels like a battle between my heart and my mind. My mind tells me to try it, but my heart is screaming not to.

Has anybody tried an open relationship without being sure if they were comfortable with it?

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I'm aromantic, but before I realized that I always said I would actively encourage a significant other to have an open relationship. I don't fully understand what you're going through emotionally, but I can try to understand intellectually. You say she wants to feel wanted...are there other things you could do to make her feel that wantedness? You say you're possibly grey-a, so you aren't sex repulsed, are you? Could you possibly try getting a few couples sex toys and see if you can make her feel the wantedness by being there with her in her moment of pleasure and being part of that moment without actually engaging in intercourse yourself? Or maybe something without the physical side...more date nights? Maybe...bubble baths and shoulder rubs...really romantic stuff that she'd like, if not those things? Ways you could make her feel wanted and feel wanted yourself?

Note: I check back on posts like this one, so if you want to offer me more information (totally up to you, whatever your comfortable with) or ask me anything specific, I'd be happy to answer again.

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Heya! Polyamorous ace here.

The most important thing in open/polyamorous relationships is trust. You have to trust your partner(s).

One way of increasing that trust is to really sit down and talk with your partner about what you are actively seeking from the other people. Some poly couples are only interested in finding other sex partners, whereas others couples (like my boyfriend and me) are interested in long-term, committed relationships with more than one person, with or without sex being a factor. You need to be clear on what you both want and make sure there are boundaries/limits set. Explain what you're uncomfortable with.

You seem to be a little insecure. I don't mean that to be rude, but when my boyfriend and I were first talking about opening our relationship, his biggest concern was losing me because he suffers from a lack of confidence in himself. How you can overcome that, I can't really help. I just know that opening my relationship has taken away a lot of the insecurities my boyfriend had. I'm not sure how.

So, all I can really say is to give it a try, if you want, after you establish what you both want and what you are and aren't comfortable with. I hope this helped a little.

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I'm aromantic, but before I realized that I always said I would actively encourage a significant other to have an open relationship. I don't fully understand what you're going through emotionally, but I can try to understand intellectually. You say she wants to feel wanted...are there other things you could do to make her feel that wantedness? You say you're possibly grey-a, so you aren't sex repulsed, are you? Could you possibly try getting a few couples sex toys and see if you can make her feel the wantedness by being there with her in her moment of pleasure and being part of that moment without actually engaging in intercourse yourself? Or maybe something without the physical side...more date nights? Maybe...bubble baths and shoulder rubs...really romantic stuff that she'd like, if not those things? Ways you could make her feel wanted and feel wanted yourself?

Note: I check back on posts like this one, so if you want to offer me more information (totally up to you, whatever your comfortable with) or ask me anything specific, I'd be happy to answer again.

Thanks for the response Scott.

We have explored solutions to making her feel wanted and sure, it does help. We sometimes have baths together, I massage her quite often and we cuddle and kiss etc. I'm not aromantic whatsoever. The problem is the sexual desire and passion. I am not disgusted by sex and I don't mind sex at all really, I just don't have a yearning for it, I don't actively pursue it and could go forever without it in all honesty. My partner though, is passionate about sex and wants me to want her, wants me to be adventurous in the bedroom and absolutely wants spontaneity. The thought of organised sex is a massive turn off for her. Could I fake the passion and be adventurous? Sure, sometimes, but not forever.

We haven't found a solution that we are both happy with yet, hence the thought of an open relationship.

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Heya! Polyamorous ace here.

The most important thing in open/polyamorous relationships is trust. You have to trust your partner(s).

One way of increasing that trust is to really sit down and talk with your partner about what you are actively seeking from the other people. Some poly couples are only interested in finding other sex partners, whereas others couples (like my boyfriend and me) are interested in long-term, committed relationships with more than one person, with or without sex being a factor. You need to be clear on what you both want and make sure there are boundaries/limits set. Explain what you're uncomfortable with.

You seem to be a little insecure. I don't mean that to be rude, but when my boyfriend and I were first talking about opening our relationship, his biggest concern was losing me because he suffers from a lack of confidence in himself. How you can overcome that, I can't really help. I just know that opening my relationship has taken away a lot of the insecurities my boyfriend had. I'm not sure how.

So, all I can really say is to give it a try, if you want, after you establish what you both want and what you are and aren't comfortable with. I hope this helped a little.

Hi Manda, thanks for your useful insight!

I think you set a lot of useful guidelines for if we did go down this route which I will definitely look into should we do so.

You hit the nail on the head as well, I am an insecure person and I get jealous at the idea of my partner being attracted to somebody else. I guess that is one of the main stumbling blocks of an open relationship really...

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I'm aromantic, but before I realized that I always said I would actively encourage a significant other to have an open relationship. I don't fully understand what you're going through emotionally, but I can try to understand intellectually. You say she wants to feel wanted...are there other things you could do to make her feel that wantedness? You say you're possibly grey-a, so you aren't sex repulsed, are you? Could you possibly try getting a few couples sex toys and see if you can make her feel the wantedness by being there with her in her moment of pleasure and being part of that moment without actually engaging in intercourse yourself? Or maybe something without the physical side...more date nights? Maybe...bubble baths and shoulder rubs...really romantic stuff that she'd like, if not those things? Ways you could make her feel wanted and feel wanted yourself?

Note: I check back on posts like this one, so if you want to offer me more information (totally up to you, whatever your comfortable with) or ask me anything specific, I'd be happy to answer again.

Thanks for the response Scott.

We have explored solutions to making her feel wanted and sure, it does help. We sometimes have baths together, I massage her quite often and we cuddle and kiss etc. I'm not aromantic whatsoever. The problem is the sexual desire and passion. I am not disgusted by sex and I don't mind sex at all really, I just don't have a yearning for it, I don't actively pursue it and could go forever without it in all honesty. My partner though, is passionate about sex and wants me to want her, wants me to be adventurous in the bedroom and absolutely wants spontaneity. The thought of organised sex is a massive turn off for her. Could I fake the passion and be adventurous? Sure, sometimes, but not forever.

We haven't found a solution that we are both happy with yet, hence the thought of an open relationship.

This....might be out of line, so TMI and...possibly trigger warnings? I dunno...every one has different sensitivity levels.

This one of the most open and chill places talking about sex and sex toys that I've come across. Its very friendly and laid back, not sultry or trying to sell something. (( http://www.ohjoysextoy.com/introduction/ )) Its a comic, yes, but they do real reviews of all sort of real stuff...including on on communication and consent (like Manda mentioned) that I think you might find useful. The most important thing it mentions is that stuff that's ok today may not be ok tomorrow, and its ok for you to change your mind about stuff as long as you communicate it well. There's a page on threesomes (( http://www.ohjoysextoy.com/threesomes/ )) that...maybe you could use as advice for finding a 'third' to your relationship without it being a third in the bedroom, since you'd be not in the bedroom? I think it would help sooth your fears somewhat if you and this other person also had a working friendship. And maybe some of the reviewed stuff might be something you and your 'adventurous' partner could have fun with? I did try sex a few times, to see 'what I was missing', and it was nothing special...but the thought of trying to perform well enough to keep my 'fun buddy' happy took it from merely boring to actually annoying. Maybe using some toys so that you can focus mostly on her and her side of things, seeing how much she's enjoying herself and how much your helping with that, would give you the motivation and the position to be able to have fun with it yourself? Its just a thought, based on those few experiments I did. It may not be right for you. The idea in my mind is something along the lines of "Having sex isn't that fun for me, but seeing my partner having a ball and knowing that I'm the one causing it sounds kinda fun."

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You can get through your problem with honest, open communication with each other. You could try being more sensual. You could try everything but sex (the ace fetish community does this well), and sex every once in a while. I can't offer a perfect solution but you have to open up to her about all of these insecurities before agreeing to an open relationship.

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Be honest with her about your insecurity and doubt about it. If you really want to try, total honesty and trust are important. And if you ever feel like "I DON'T WANT THIS", let her know. Some of us are just monogamous and can't do poly/open, when that is the case, it can make things worse and breed resentment to try to use open/poly as a relationship bandaid. I could never do it, personally. I understand people can love multiple people and not leave their partners, nor love their partners less, but it's not the relationship style I want.

It's not unfair to be true to yourself, so if you are REALLY not OK with this, it's OK. It's OK to be incompatible. She doesn't have to stay if she doesn't want to, but you don't have to be in an open/poly relationship if you don't want to. Be honest with yourself before you decide.

And if you do want to try this, that's OK too. Plenty of people can love multiple people with no loss of love for their other partners. It doesn't mean she's going to leave you. If she's trying to work with you instead of leave, she obviously cares about you.

Good luck whichever way you decide. :cake:

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Maverick Askew

I would agree with what some other people have posted about talking openly about these insecurities: how your heart and mind have come to an impass. It won't go well if you're not willing to do full disclosure (of feelings, if you did open your relationship, it'd also be important to discuss what she should and shouldn't share regarding other relationships).

If you both decide that opening up the relationship is the right thing for you both, take small steps at a time. It sounds like she's not interested in NSA or one time encounters, so these steps might include her going on a date, both of you talking about it, and deciding where to go from there. It's especially important in the early stages that boundaries are clear and followed. Crossing those boundaries without discussion (ex. having sex before it was put on the table) would be a very bad sign for the sucess of an open relationship.

If you decide to keep your relationship exclusive, finding a way to fulfill her desires in a way that you can be genuinely enthusiastic is key. This could be through kink, toys, or expanding your range of sex acts. It could also be helpful to have non-sexual reciprication from her for something sexual you do for her. Such as a massage sometime after a paticularly passionate display from you (insert which ever acts you'd each want/enjoy).

Good luck, I wish you the best in figuring out what's best for the both of you.

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I haven't tried open relationships but I have been a third wheel. So, I can only say I never wanted to be part of the relationships and always requested that go and live your life and leave me alone. My life is a mess :mellow:

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  • 2 weeks later...

Communication is key ^_^

Sitting her down to talk about boundaries, what you each want in the relationship, what your concerns are, ex. is a great way to start! ;)

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