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To whom do aromantic asexuals get married?


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Hi AVEN users

This site has been very helpful in answering many of my questions about asexuality, however no matter where I search, either on AVEN or with Google, one of my questions remains unanswered.

I am a teenager, so I am not sure what I am yet, but I have a strong feeling that I am probably asexual. I think I am probably aromantic as well.

Having said that, it would be nice to have a platonic marriage later on in life simply because it would be fun to always have a supportive friend by one's side as well as to support someone else.

This is where my problem lies, I am not sure who I should get married to. If I get a husband, people will assume I am straight and I well probably end up in some demeaning gender role and end up being pressured by my friends into changing my name. In addition, the topic of children will come up, but I will don't like them and don't want them. But I would be seen as 'normal', no one would question or judge me and it's easier to find a straight husband.

Oh the other hand, if I get a wife (which is possible because I live in the UK), people will still assume my sexuality, I may be discriminated against, I may be judged, people will expect us to get cats and it's harder to find a lesbian wife.

But I will be taking full advantage of my rights, I will feel more comfortable (having had no brothers and going to an all girls school for 7 years, I find it way easier to make friends with and half around with women/girls), it did like more fun (more similarities) and there will be no gender roles or perhaps no name changes.

So, what do you think of my question? Is there any answer?

I have quite a lot of time to think about it because I am still quite young but it will be harder in university (no one else knows yet anyway) and I am worried about it and so haven't asked anyone I know. I would be very grateful if you could help me.

Thank you

From a rather confused user

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Why do you need to get married to have a Platonic Life Partner?

I know a particular lesbian couple who has been involved for over 18 years and who are married in all but name.

If you have a PLP with whom you have that level of closeness, there are a ton of legal options besides marriage. You can assign power of attorney and so forth to them and vice versa, and set up a lot of the same benefits (life insurance and beneficiaries in the will, etc). You can jointly purchase a house, if you wish, and do everything in that fashion without ever being married or even romantically involved.

If both you and the PLP are completely happy with the arrangement, that's all that matters. If your friends ask or whatnot, you can call the person your SO (Significant Other) which is completely true and a fairly commonly understood term that doesn't need an explanation.

What would a marriage, to either gender, bring you that what I mentioned would not? I don't know UK law at all.

If you have a PLP who is always there for you and supports you in every way, and you do likewise, what more do you need?

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Why do you need to get married to have a Platonic Life Partner?

I know a particular lesbian couple who has been involved for over 18 years and who are married in all but name.

If you have a PLP with whom you have that level of closeness, there are a ton of legal options besides marriage. You can assign power of attorney and so forth to them and vice versa, and set up a lot of the same benefits (life insurance and beneficiaries in the will, etc). You can jointly purchase a house, if you wish, and do everything in that fashion without ever being married or even romantically involved.

If both you and the PLP are completely happy with the arrangement, that's all that matters. If your friends ask or whatnot, you can call the person your SO (Significant Other) which is completely true and a fairly commonly understood term that doesn't need an explanation.

What would a marriage, to either gender, bring you that what I mentioned would not? I don't know UK law at all.

If you have a PLP who is always there for you and supports you in every way, and you do likewise, what more do you need?

Wow, I didn't expect that as an answer.

Thank you, it is such a nice viewpoint, I really admire your faith in long term 'non-married' partnerships - it's rather uplifting. I will certainly consider this when choosing a PLP in the future. By the way, what does 'power of attorney' mean?

As much as I do like your suggestion, it feels a bit too optimistic for me, (or perhaps I am just a bit pessimistic!) but it will be quite hard to find another person who will go through all of that and not want to get married or have any romantic connections.

Now the only question is, which gender should this person be?

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Why do you need to get married to have a Platonic Life Partner?

I know a particular lesbian couple who has been involved for over 18 years and who are married in all but name.

If you have a PLP with whom you have that level of closeness, there are a ton of legal options besides marriage. You can assign power of attorney and so forth to them and vice versa, and set up a lot of the same benefits (life insurance and beneficiaries in the will, etc). You can jointly purchase a house, if you wish, and do everything in that fashion without ever being married or even romantically involved.

If both you and the PLP are completely happy with the arrangement, that's all that matters. If your friends ask or whatnot, you can call the person your SO (Significant Other) which is completely true and a fairly commonly understood term that doesn't need an explanation.

What would a marriage, to either gender, bring you that what I mentioned would not? I don't know UK law at all.

If you have a PLP who is always there for you and supports you in every way, and you do likewise, what more do you need?

Wow, I didn't expect that as an answer.

Thank you, it is such a nice viewpoint, I really admire your faith in long term 'non-married' partnerships - it's rather uplifting. I will certainly consider this when choosing a PLP in the future. By the way, what does 'power of attorney' mean?

As much as I do like your suggestion, it feels a bit too optimistic for me, (or perhaps I am just a bit pessimistic!) but it will be quite hard to find another person who will go through all of that and not want to get married or have any romantic connections.

Now the only question is, which gender should this person be?

I have known this couple for over 10 years and I have been close friends of theirs for that time. Take my word for it --- a truly close, platonic relationship can indeed last a lifetime. I'm not married to either, but we support each other in a lot of ways, sort of like family. If anything, you might say these two are my PLPs.

My close friends believe it is if anything MORE stable than most romantic relationships, because you don't have the euphoria/crash.

Power of attorney means "I grant them permission to act on my legal behalf." So they can legally sign contracts for you, etc. That is good if, say, you're incapacitated. Of course, it goes without saying you need to COMPLETELY trust this person.

The way you phrased it, you're saying "Which gender should this person be?" like going to the store to pick up a container of milk. I know you're an aromantic asexual, but that phrasing makes me uncomfortable.

How about don't worry about the gender of the person at all. Find the right person with whom the connection grows so s/he becomes your PLP naturally --- and let gender fall by the wayside. Since you're not doing this for romantic, sexual or reproductive reasons, it shouldn't matter in the least, so long as the person is right for you, and you're right for him/her in every other way, right?

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I personally don't think you should base your decisions of whom to form a relationship with on what other people will assume about you. Pick someone who is compatible with you. As long as this person is supportive of you, nobody can force you into gender roles that you don't want.

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Welcome to AVEN Meru! Hope you find what you're looking for here and have some fun too. :)

Life is always changing and you never know what's coming down the pipeline. Plan for the future, but allow for surprises too and don't stress things like life partners or SOs. They'll happen when they happen.

As for the name change thing, I know of more and more couples these days who've kept their respective names, even when they married. Ladies seem more determined to keep their maiden names either separate from their husbands or have taken to hyphenating their last name, if they like. This a trend I could see growing in the future really.

whitesphere and Wenny_A both have excellent suggestions. A power of attorney is an excellent suggestion. Here is the link to the UK Gov site with an explanation of what they are.

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Why do you need to get married to have a Platonic Life Partner?

I know a particular lesbian couple who has been involved for over 18 years and who are married in all but name.

If you have a PLP with whom you have that level of closeness, there are a ton of legal options besides marriage. You can assign power of attorney and so forth to them and vice versa, and set up a lot of the same benefits (life insurance and beneficiaries in the will, etc). You can jointly purchase a house, if you wish, and do everything in that fashion without ever being married or even romantically involved.

If both you and the PLP are completely happy with the arrangement, that's all that matters. If your friends ask or whatnot, you can call the person your SO (Significant Other) which is completely true and a fairly commonly understood term that doesn't need an explanation.

What would a marriage, to either gender, bring you that what I mentioned would not? I don't know UK law at all.

If you have a PLP who is always there for you and supports you in every way, and you do likewise, what more do you need?

Wow, I didn't expect that as an answer.

Thank you, it is such a nice viewpoint, I really admire your faith in long term 'non-married' partnerships - it's rather uplifting. I will certainly consider this when choosing a PLP in the future. By the way, what does 'power of attorney' mean?

As much as I do like your suggestion, it feels a bit too optimistic for me, (or perhaps I am just a bit pessimistic!) but it will be quite hard to find another person who will go through all of that and not want to get married or have any romantic connections.

Now the only question is, which gender should this person be?

I have known this couple for over 10 years and I have been close friends of theirs for that time. Take my word for it --- a truly close, platonic relationship can indeed last a lifetime. I'm not married to either, but we support each other in a lot of ways, sort of like family. If anything, you might say these two are my PLPs.

My close friends believe it is if anything MORE stable than most romantic relationships, because you don't have the euphoria/crash.

Power of attorney means "I grant them permission to act on my legal behalf." So they can legally sign contracts for you, etc. That is good if, say, you're incapacitated. Of course, it goes without saying you need to COMPLETELY trust this person.

The way you phrased it, you're saying "Which gender should this person be?" like going to the store to pick up a container of milk. I know you're an aromantic asexual, but that phrasing makes me uncomfortable.

How about don't worry about the gender of the person at all. Find the right person with whom the connection grows so s/he becomes your PLP naturally --- and let gender fall by the wayside. Since you're not doing this for romantic, sexual or reproductive reasons, it shouldn't matter in the least, so long as the person is right for you, and you're right for him/her in every other way, right?

Yeah, I think you're right. I probably should have asked 'does the gender of the PLP matter?' Sorry if it made you uncomfortable. The couple that you speak of sound lovely, especially if they have been together for so long, I wish them many more happy years with each other.

As for the 'power of attorney' issue, I think that I am just too young to think about possibly trusting someone that much in the future- sounds quite scary!

I guess I have plenty of time to find a PLP so I am not going to worry too much now.

Thank you so much for your answers, I feel a bit more secure about my future now.

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Yeah, I think you're right. I probably should have asked 'does the gender of the PLP matter?' Sorry if it made you uncomfortable. The couple that you speak of sound lovely, especially if they have been together for so long, I wish them many more happy years with each other.

As for the 'power of attorney' issue, I think that I am just too young to think about possibly trusting someone that much in the future- sounds quite scary!

I guess I have plenty of time to find a PLP so I am not going to worry too much now.

Thank you so much for your answers, I feel a bit more secure about my future now.

I'm not uncomfortable like that, just it seemed "I'm going to pick out my PLP with the same level of emotional involvement with which I get milk from the store." Which had me thinking "Ummmm...doesn't this woman have ANY emotional attachment? I thought a PLP was sort of like 'closer than a best friend' which is certainly an emotional attachment."

They are both very good people but the road for them hasn't been smooth or easy.

My advice on finding the right PLP is the same I have received about finding a partner, and it's good advice:

It will happen when you're not looking for it (still working on this frame of mind for myself). When you're just living your life and feel good about yourself and your life, that's when, ironically, you tend to attract the right people into your life. One of whom will be your PLP.

You'll know you've found your PLP when it seems completely natural to trust that person completely and vice versa. When giving them the power of attorney not only doesn't seem scary, it seems natural. There is also something called a "healthcare proxy" in the US, which has full legal power over your health care when you're incapacitated.

One of these close friends of mine, I would trust to be my healthcare proxy, even down to the "Should we pull the plug on him?" decision, if it ever came to pass. I've also trusted her with my debit card and PIN, car, etc.

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perhaps usually to the good romantic people.

because i am a romantic and i've been married twice, once to a wifebeater and now to a narcissist! how's that for luck?? :unsure:

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If/when you get a platonic life partner, I don't think you should worry too much about what gender your partner will be. No matter what gender your partner is, people will make assumptions about your relationship, and there's really no way to prevent that (aside from explaining to everyone you meet).

If you're more attracted platonically to one gender, than that will probably be the gender your future partner is. However, don't rule everyone else put just because of their gender. What's moat important when choosing a partner is compatibility and trust, not the gender of the person.

You still have some time to decide these things though, so try mot to let it stress you out too much right now! :)

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also, not something i know much about, but maybe a queerplatonic relationship is that you're looking for, rather than a marriage in the traditional sense? what i understand a queerplatonic relationship to be seems very similar to what you have described as your end goal, haha. not that terms really matter but maybe you would be more comfortable knowing that you're not alone. here's a link to a wiki explaining it: http://aromantics.wikia.com/wiki/Queerplatonic

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