less sex positive than i thought. is that okay?

[erebor452]

My ok-ness with sex is inversely linked with how involved I'm being made to be. Loud, incessant sex or sex noises while I'm trying to sleep in the next bed or room over? I am very involved and therefore very much not ok with it. Being all over each other in the grocery checkout line? Again, you're involving me because I am a captive audience in a public location. Stoppit. Having sex somewhere I can't hear or see it in the normal course of my life? A-ok. I don't want to not hear (or hear about) it or not see it because it's shameful and dirty, I don't want to experience it (even vicariously) because I am not interested and because, frankly, it seems sort of gross. Like fishing, for example: don't care about the sport, the thought of gutting/cleaning a fish removes any desire of mine to catch one, and don't want to mount or eat the fish anyway. If the point is to spend time out on the water, then why can't I do that? Why do I have to do more?

I'm sex positive in the sense of more power to people who know what they want and find (a) partner(s) to have safe and consensual fun with....but I'm sex negative in the sense that I ask, in return, that they respect my desire not to be involved.

[Mike D]

I've said this before, and it bears repeating: People (including a lot of asexuals, judging by this forum) have very strong emotional reactions to sex. This is pretty much inborn and is related to species survival. Sex is supposed to engender strong emotions in us. Sex is an absolutely necessary element of species survival. Try to bear that in mind when you deal with sexuals; it can help you avoid the elitist mentality.

Of course, when someone tries to force sex on someone else that's straight up wrong, and you'd be right to be contemptuous of such a person. But someone who just enjoys sex, who has a lot of sex, whether with one person or multiple partners? So long as they play safe and respect their partner(s) they're doing nothing wrong. It's a good rule of thumb to never slut-shame anyone, ever, period. People should be able to do what they want, wear what they want, and sleep with whomever they want, provided it's another consenting adult. (Or two other consenting adults, or more than two. Whatever floats their boats, really.)

[aventura]

I've said this before, and it bears repeating: People (including a lot of asexuals, judging by this forum) have very strong emotional reactions to sex. This is pretty much inborn and is related to species survival. Sex is supposed to engender strong emotions in us. Sex is an absolutely necessary element of species survival. Try to bear that in mind when you deal with sexuals; it can help you avoid the elitist mentality.

Of course, when someone tries to force sex on someone else that's straight up wrong, and you'd be right to be contemptuous of such a person. But someone who just enjoys sex, who has a lot of sex, whether with one person or multiple partners? So long as they play safe they're doing nothing wrong. It's a good rule of thumb to never slut-shame anyone, ever, period. People should be able to do what they want, wear what they want, and sleep with whomever they want, provided it's another consenting adult. (Or two other consenting adults, or more than two. Whatever floats their boats, really.)

Everything you said! I do not understand sex, it seems unnatural and weird to me, but I understand people can have it as much as they want: it's their life, and they are entitled to live it as they see fit. I do not have a negative view of sex at all, just don't personal identify with it, which can be a little frustrating at times.

I think it is imperative not to have an elitist attitude toward sex (or anything in life, for that matter): the reason I have a difficult time in society is because of others' elitist opinions, and I refuse to make them feel like some have made me feel about something I cannot (and would not) change. It is not pleasant to be pitied, joked about, etc, because of who you are, and I wouldn't want others to be in that position.

[KevCo]

We asexual and minimally sexual people tend to be overthinkers when it comes to sex and relationships. "Do I follow my heart when it means depriving my true love of the best sexytimes available?" "Do I commit an act that makes me feel weird but is somehow theoretically a good thing, or do I just leave?" We're masters of analysis. It's not that more sexual people don't get into situations that they find questionable and partly distasteful, it's that they find more benefit in going ahead with it and we find it more beneficial to avoid it. I really feel queasy and weird when it comes to the idea of me and sex being in the same idea. I could do it and it might not be all bad, but I feel so much better when that possibility has been removed. I feel better when I can put down, dismiss, and distance myself from sex, so hell yeah I enjoy being sex-negative! I love when some couple is talking about being lovey-dovey and someone else tells them it's gross.

[kulosle]

So i think one reason why im so adverse to being sex negative is that before i knew about asexuality and other related sexualities, all the sex negative people i knew where horribly repressed. Most of them were religious but not all. It just always came off wrong. I dont think sex should be this hidden shameful act. But i also dobt want it shuved in my face all the time. Its very conflicting.

[MissLunarWolf]

Before I even knew asexuality existed, I was bewildered how people could let their "primitive animal instincts dictate their choices in life". I've seen friendships brutally murdered, because one guy couldn't keep his hands off his BEST FRIEND'S girlfriend...

I guess I have some sort of "elitist" mindset, or at least some form of resentment (but I don't think of myself as better than sexuals (I just have more self-control :P)). I was always more mature, and empathetic, than my peers. My school councillor said I have a very high EQ (Empathy Quotient), but I just thought of myself as thoughtful. But I'm pretty sure it's because instead of thinking about all the things that sexuals could think about (in terms of sex, boys/girls, sexy clothes, sexy thoughts, masterbation, etc.), I thought about life, about who I was as a person, and who other people are (what make any of us different). I observed and became fascinated by people (perhaps because I felt like a different breed of human), what made them "tick" and what dictated their choices. I learned that many people are shallow, and self-centred, and I let that skew my view of humanity in general. I know not all people are bad, but many people can't even make a simple choice that's right, because there desires will dictate there actions. I'd like to have a debate on the philosophical question of free will, and if "sexuals even have a choice in the matter", but I can't imagine/sympathise with there viewpoints/feelings.

As long as you keep your sex-related-anything away from me, I'll be fine. (That means you crazy weirdos who are always trying to kiss me..)

[Kuromi Akumura]

Before I even knew asexuality existed, I was bewildered how people could let their "primitive animal instincts dictate their choices in life". I've seen friendships brutally murdered, because one guy couldn't keep his hands off his BEST FRIEND'S girlfriend...

I guess I have some sort of "elitist" mindset, or at least some form of resentment (but I don't think of myself as better than sexuals (I just have more self-control :P)). I was always more mature, and empathetic, than my peers. My school councillor said I have a very high EQ (Empathy Quotient), but I just thought of myself as thoughtful. But I'm pretty sure it's because instead of thinking about all the things that sexuals could think about (in terms of sex, boys/girls, sexy clothes, sexy thoughts, masterbation, etc.), I thought about life, about who I was as a person, and who other people are (what make any of us different). I observed and became fascinated by people (perhaps because I felt like a different breed of human), what made them "tick" and what dictated their choices. I learned that many people are shallow, and self-centred, and I let that skew my view of humanity in general. I know not all people are bad, but many people can't even make a simple choice that's right, because there desires will dictate there actions. I'd like to have a debate on the philosophical question of free will, and if "sexuals even have a choice in the matter", but I can't imagine/sympathise with there viewpoints/feelings.

As long as you keep your sex-related-anything away from me, I'll be fine. (That means you crazy weirdos who are always trying to kiss me..)

ah it's awesome having no sexual urges making choices for you but sadly for me i have a very impulsive personality and naive emotions so i end up doing stupid things in friendships and in QPR because of my emotional urges XD haha irony rght

[TheLycanthrope]

I've had sex a couple of times and, by my experience, you are not missing much.
I don't like being touched, and others touching me also feels weird. . . but the person I was with each time really wanted to have sex so I obliged. Each time turned into an awkward hour of me only being half-way "aroused" and weird positions leading to exhaustion. While the girl enjoyed it I did not one bit. I may have found them visually appealing in some way, but sexual it simply was not there.

So, is less sex more positive? I would say there are some upsides to it. You can fill in your time with other things, and if you are single like me it could also lead to you saving more money by not pursing a relationship. Some people may find it weird, but there is nothing wrong by not wanting to have sex.

[WreckerChick]

Can't figure out the 'quote' function...

[WreckerChick]

Sex is an absolutely necessary element of species survival.

I have heard this many times and must politely disagree. This is the 21st century... humans don't need to have sex to perpetuate the species.

[Sally]

Before I even knew asexuality existed, I was bewildered how people could let their "primitive animal instincts dictate their choices in life". I've seen friendships brutally murdered, because one guy couldn't keep his hands off his BEST FRIEND'S girlfriend...

I guess I have some sort of "elitist" mindset, or at least some form of resentment (but I don't think of myself as better than sexuals (I just have more self-control :P)). I was always more mature, and empathetic, than my peers. My school councillor said I have a very high EQ (Empathy Quotient), but I just thought of myself as thoughtful. But I'm pretty sure it's because instead of thinking about all the things that sexuals could think about (in terms of sex, boys/girls, sexy clothes, sexy thoughts, masterbation, etc.), I thought about life, about who I was as a person, and who other people are (what make any of us different). I observed and became fascinated by people (perhaps because I felt like a different breed of human), what made them "tick" and what dictated their choices. I learned that many people are shallow, and self-centred, and I let that skew my view of humanity in general. I know not all people are bad, but many people can't even make a simple choice that's right, because there desires will dictate there actions. I'd like to have a debate on the philosophical question of free will, and if "sexuals even have a choice in the matter", but I can't imagine/sympathise with there viewpoints/feelings.

I'm not seeing much empathy in any of the above.

[WreckerChick]

Before I even knew asexuality existed, I was bewildered how people could let their "primitive animal instincts dictate their choices in life". I've seen friendships brutally murdered, because one guy couldn't keep his hands off his BEST FRIEND'S girlfriend...

I guess I have some sort of "elitist" mindset, or at least some form of resentment (but I don't think of myself as better than sexuals (I just have more self-control :P)). I was always more mature, and empathetic, than my peers. My school councillor said I have a very high EQ (Empathy Quotient), but I just thought of myself as thoughtful. But I'm pretty sure it's because instead of thinking about all the things that sexuals could think about (in terms of sex, boys/girls, sexy clothes, sexy thoughts, masterbation, etc.), I thought about life, about who I was as a person, and who other people are (what make any of us different). I observed and became fascinated by people (perhaps because I felt like a different breed of human), what made them "tick" and what dictated their choices. I learned that many people are shallow, and self-centred, and I let that skew my view of humanity in general. I know not all people are bad, but many people can't even make a simple choice that's right, because there desires will dictate there actions. I'd like to have a debate on the philosophical question of free will, and if "sexuals even have a choice in the matter", but I can't imagine/sympathise with there viewpoints/feelings.

I'm not seeing much empathy in any of the above.

I feel like I understand what she was trying to say and maybe just didn't word it well.

As a sex-repulsed asexual I get very uncomfortable when people invade my personal space so I'm always hypersensitive to other people's personal space and try to always respect it.

Since sexuals prefer to be in close, intimate contact with others, I find they are more apt to violate boundaries without regards for whether the other person is comfortable or not. But that may just be because they assume everyone else wants the same intimacy. I dunno...

[Sally]

Since sexuals prefer to be in close, intimate contact with others, I find they are more apt to violate boundaries without regards for whether the other person is comfortable or not. But that may just be because they assume everyone else wants the same intimacy. I dunno...

I don't think that's necessarily true of sexuals -- it's no more reasonable to stereotype sexuals than it is to stereotype asexuals.

[WreckerChick]

Since sexuals prefer to be in close, intimate contact with others, I find they are more apt to violate boundaries without regards for whether the other person is comfortable or not. But that may just be because they assume everyone else wants the same intimacy. I dunno...

I don't think that's necessarily true of sexuals -- it's no more reasonable to stereotype sexuals than it is to stereotype asexuals.

I respect what you're trying to say, maybe I'm not explaining myself very well.

I don't feel like I'm stereotyping here because I am speaking from personal experience. I have been made uncomfortable by sexuals invading my space to try to kiss or paw at me many, many, many, many times. I have also witnessed this behavior for years. Like I said, it might be because they assume the other person feels the same way. They may not feel like they're being insensitive even though I think they are. It's all about perspective and everyone's point of view is different.

[Otohime]

I don't feel like I'm stereotyping here because I am speaking from personal experience. I have been made uncomfortable by sexuals invading my space to try to kiss or paw at me many, many, many, many times. I have also witnessed this behavior for years. Like I said, it might be because they assume the other person feels the same way. They may not feel like they're being insensitive even though I think they are. It's all about perspective and everyone's point of view is different.

I've experienced this as well -- although it doesn't take that much to make me uncomfortable. I've talked to some sexuals about the personal space thing, and I've heard some people say that "making a move" is the only way to gage a person's interest. The trouble is I think many sexuals only can tell whether or not they themselves feel the "spark" (or however they feel it). If they feel a spark, it's easy for them to assume that the other person must feel it as well.

[WreckerChick]

Listen, I'm not trying to be confrontational I'm just expressing how certain behavior makes me feel. In my experience, sexuals have violated my boundaries and made me feel uncomfortable. I never said ALL sexuals will ALWAYS violate boundaries.

To accuse me of stereotyping is to say that the way I feel is wrong and that I should just accept it when it happens. That is very invalidating :-/

[kulosle]

But more on topic. Everyone agrees that elitism is wrong in all forms. What i want to know is whether or not the simple act of being sex negative is elitism. As the minor misunderstanding above illustrates. Expressibg sex negative views comes off as elitism. But at the same time i dont know of a single sexual that would deny that they have made stupid decisions because of sexual urges (and i have ask all the people i feel comfortable asking).

I guess you could just say people make mistakes in general, and if you have a lot of decisions to make about something the average person will mess up some off them.

So the question remains, "I have negative opinions about the existance of sex in human culture culture, is that okay?"

[Kuromi Akumura]

i'm s*x negative and get harassed for it :3

[WreckerChick]

Hmmm... I would say that it is not the simple existence of sex that gets me, it's the ridiculous amount of importance that human culture puts on it.

[Ehyn]

I understand/relate to how you are feeling, as I'm typically okay with hearing people talk about sex/even okay with if I had a sexual partner, but lately after seeing how so many people are irresponsible it makes me just want to refrain from even being okay with it at all.

[Slainmonkey]

You can be not open to idea of having sex and not be an asexual elitist, it just means that it's not something that seems worthwhile to you. I am about as asexual as a person can get, I mean I get no reception at all below the belt and have no capably of romantic feelings. So for me sex is completely off the table, but that doesn't mean I think it makes me better then sexuals....no I just operate differently. The idea of asexual elitism makes no sense honestly since without sex they wouldn't even exist to complain about it.

[Leelian]

There are sometimes where I think I am less sex positive than I think I am. I try to be sex positive through keeping up on sex education, following sex-positive things (mostly a few webcomics), and trying to not be phased by sex as long as it is consensual and safe. It comes down to this: there is what I know, and there is what I feel. I know that in a sex scene, the actors have their consent and it's safe (usually the characters they play consent as well), but I feel that it gross and I personally do not want to see it in the media. I avoid certain shows because of the sex. I get annoyed when I feel a sex scene has gone on too long or was unnecessary.

Mostly, I can't comprehend the importance sex seems to have.

I think the most judgmental I have ever been about sex was the amount of porn on my boyfriend's friends computers. (I guess they like to compare the size of their collections?) At some point one of his friends had 50GB of porn on his computer. That's a third of all the space my laptop has (150GB). That's more than all of my games, music files, and documents combined. And why do I judge? Because I am jealous of all that 'extra' space. The guy can afford to set 50GB of space aside for porn where as I am always cleaning through my computer to free up more space.

[Edie]

This might be opening a huge can of worms, but... I always assumed my sexual revulsion was due to previous traumatic (non consensual) experiences. It's so interesting to see a discussion where the assumption that everyone is into sex is challenged, and so nice to feel like I might not need to 'pathologise' my reaction.

[theotherfey]

I have read some racy stuff, and I have written sex scenes plenty of times, but I still don't understand why for so many couples sex is such a big part of their relationship, and why people make a big deal out of "not getting any". I do find myself judging sometimes. It's not that I think being ace is better than being sexual, but it's that I just can't wrap my head around why sex is a MUST for so many people. Books and manga make sex look beautiful, but I really can't see how that can be the case. I don't judge people foe having sex, but I sometimes judge them for having that be the center of their relationship. I have some good friends who are in a relationship, and the thought of them having sex disturbs me. Maybe it's because they're my friends and I knew them before they were in a relationship.

[kulosle]

I have actually recently met a sexual who places significantly less value on sex than I've ever scene before. And it was nice and refressing. So I feel safe now in knowing not all sexual are willing to fuck up their life because of sex. So people who do make poor sex related choices, I feel better about viewing negatively because I know it can be done better.

[Lenika]

I don't like sex, really. If I don't know people are doing it, then fine, but I don't like to know about it. I don't care about it in movies or books, but I also don't like it. I have had the misfortune to see porn by accident a few times, and found it all horrifyingly disgusting! But perhaps that is because I am repulsed by genitalia, I don't like it on animals much either, though some animals it is less...obvious or gross looking.

I think the eating of sweets is a good representative. Some people have a higher drive, or less self control than others, any combination of things, you get the picture.

[kaali]

Reading this forum is refreshing because sex is everywhere! I'm sex-negative, hate cuddling, hate talking about it, but it's such a huge topic with friends that I can't avoid it. I have a mask I have to wear around people when they talk about their sex-capades and it's difficult. It's a struggle between being true to myself and not wanting to isolate myself from people I care about. I lied for a long time before I was comfortable with either my silence, or the truth.

[Unlabeled]

Reading this forum is refreshing because sex is everywhere! I'm sex-negative, hate cuddling, hate talking about it, but it's such a huge topic with friends that I can't avoid it. I have a mask I have to wear around people when they talk about their sex-capades and it's difficult. It's a struggle between being true to myself and not wanting to isolate myself from people I care about. I lied for a long time before I was comfortable with either my silence, or the truth.

I wouldn't say that talking freely about sex, or not dsays anything about being sex-positive or otherwise so much as you understand not everyone within earshot might wanna hear what you're discussing.

Though sex-positive myself I have the good sense not to be blurting outloud about it. :) I still cringe where I hear profanity and I wa sin the Navy. That's not supposed to bother sailors...But it does me. :)

[Kuromi Akumura]

I have read some racy stuff, and I have written sex scenes plenty of times, but I still don't understand why for so many couples sex is such a big part of their relationship, and why people make a big deal out of "not getting any". I do find myself judging sometimes. It's not that I think being ace is better than being sexual, but it's that I just can't wrap my head around why sex is a MUST for so many people. Books and manga make sex look beautiful, but I really can't see how that can be the case. I don't judge people foe having sex, but I sometimes judge them for having that be the center of their relationship. I have some good friends who are in a relationship, and the thought of them having sex disturbs me. Maybe it's because they're my friends and I knew them before they were in a relationship.

exactly! maybe it is because in the ace in a mix relationship but I DO NOT GET WHY S*X IS SOOOOO IMPORTANT IN THE RELATIONSHIP!!! why si it cruel or suffering to not have it or much of it? from what i have been told by my hetro partner, it is because it is seen as the pinnacle of being close and intimate with someone, that it is the great way to please your partner and yourself...but i see plenty of other things that can be intimate/affectionate with a partner and more meaningful then just genitalia...

[kaali]

I like that explaination of why sex is so I,ports my, the pinnacle of being close and intimate, but I couldn't agree more!!! There's so much more to express closeness, affection, love, respect, whatever, than sex! I've never heard an explanation that's resonated with me -- plenty that I can accept and understand, but nothing that melds with me in any way.