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less sex positive than i thought. is that okay?


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So ive seen lots of people make stupid mistakes (in my opinion) because of sex. And the more it happens the worse sex looks. Im grey-a and i havent had sex. I use to be interested in trying sex, but now im not sure. The people i know havent exactly painted sex in a good light, no matter how much they preach of its glory. I find myself wondering if ill end up doing like wise. And its gotten me thinking less of sexuals as a whole. This i know is the slippery slope to asexual elitism. And i do think thats totally wrong. Trust me i dont think im better then sexuals. In fact i wish i was one. But some times some less then positive thoughta go through my head.

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Well, I was neutral about sex until I found out what a big thing it is for so many people, and I would be lying if I didn't say that that changed my view on them... I am not negative towards sex itself, but I can't get myself to take people seriously if sex is something they value high.

If this is considered OK or not I don't know, I don't mind my own feelings and thoughts about it, but it isn't something I would bring up around sexual people.

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romantic-woman

I have found a great way to be happy around sexual people.

When they bring up annoying comments or trying to change me i try to stay away from them without having arguments cause i know i can't convince anyone that i am an ace and i can't change this.

A second reason that i would stay away from them is when they want to discuss with me many details about the sexual activities they have although that i have explained to them that i am a repulsed.

Cause of that i prefer not to discuss anyone's personal sexual life, i am also not the expert to advise any sexual about sex cause i haven't tried anything and i m not interested in having it. The only thing i can advise them is "ok you can do it but it is not my business or will to discuss further about it"

So just choose those who fit you and you can live happily together as friends or something else :)

When they respect my views and they are polite to me of course i can discuss anything with them or advise them in a relationship issue, cause i love romance and love feelings.

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I'm pretty sure it's just imature people who bug me. Mature adults who love to have sex with people they love don't bug me in the slightest. I'm only irritated by the massive ammount of people who use it as a tool, weapon, status symbol, win/lose thing, or do it without caring at all about the concequences they could bring down on themselves and then act shocked when someone gets AIDS or pregnant. There is really a huge amount of potential harm and negativity crammed into something sexual people almost all say is about love.

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Aisntllecxtual

When you are on the coercive receiving end of sex, it changes you view overnight. Your thoughts turn much darker the morning after. The more I reflected on the experience the more I began to wonder. It transformed my perspective as sharply more negative and pessimistic. It made me seriously question the extent sex is engaged in consensually, has made me think perhaps a lot of it is coerced/forced.

Furthermore, the comments of those with a sexual nature, saying sex is healthy, that it is the ultimate expression of love, discomfort me to say the very least. I view the comments as a tiny step away from branding as dysfunctional, as assertions/beliefs that could easily disturbingly conclude (in views that marginalize/denigrate) that those who don't wish sex as living unhealthy lifestyles and are expessively deficient.

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WünderBâhr

I have thoughts from time to time, which some would probably take as being sex-repulsed or sex-negative, only if they took the words at face value. Context would be important, so I'll qualify my response with an explanation.

I fast forward through sex scenes in movies. I think they are gratuitous and add nothing to the plot. To me, they are like filming someone using le restroom, only gross in a different kind of way. While that is initially what would flash through my head (if I took the time to analyze the "ugh" face I make when sex scenes come up), I know better than to read too much into it.

I have sexual friends. Some are even hyper-sexual. When they make decisions based on the feelings of their nether-regions, I shake my head, think "maaaaaaan, why do they do that to themselves?" and wait for what I only assume to be the chaos that follows. I understand that on some level this is what could/would be moral judgment, but I focus more on the actions rather than the people. They are individuals, just as I am, and they're free to do whatever they like with their nether-regions with whomever they like (as long as it's consensual and not recklessly illegal or harmful to anyone involved). I have my opinions, but I don't try to force them to see things my way and they're still my friends (even if I can't always relate to them, or them me).

I think with a lot of the "omygosh, this place is so sex-positive" talk, some people are genuinely feeling out of place in discussing what problems they have where sex/sexuality is concerned in their lives. What people aren't seeing is that, as far as my experience goes on AVEN, discussions like that can take place to some extent. In my opinion (as a member), it's okay to say "ew, that sounds gross", or something like "why is sex so important to other people? I'm not sure I understand it, and it makes me feel weird when others talk about it". Simply just opinion, BUT... when expressing something to that effect, I usually make sure to also qualify that I'm not saying sex for people who are sexually attracted to others is a horrible, evil vile thing that makes them horrible, evil and vile sexual people. In my mind, it would seem hypocritical of me to tell someone that they should accept me for things I'm not doing (not having sex, not masturbating or wanting a family, or not experimenting with sexuality, etc.) and then turn around and not accept them for doing the same things I just listed. That doesn't mean I have to befriend them all. I just have to give them the same amount of respect I'm asking for in return.

I can be annoyed with someone constantly talking about sex just like I can be annoyed with someone blowing smoke in my general direction. It's more about respect of space with that, for me, I guess. And (briefly) back to sex scenes - if I pay to watch a movie, I'd rather not spend my time being bored through a sex scene or gratuitous sex-related pieces when it is not entertaining to me one bit. In the same way I wouldn't watch a documentary about stamp collection because I don't collect stamps and have no interest in delving into that world. Academic differences in likes and dislikes. It doesn't have to be personal, but it still personally affects me.

So, I think that having those thoughts, those moments, of not viewing sex as the end all be all of the sunshiney world is perfectly fine. If you don't make it into a personal attack, or try to trash talk others, or generally do really unkind things because of what someone else does with their body/time, I wouldn't see a problem. Unfortunately, it has to be made abundantly clear to some (especially on the internet) that that kind of stuff doesn't really have a place here, because it is very much a slippery slope.

I think this thread may be something that a lot of people would feel relieved to see, just because it can't always be sunshine and rainbows out there. Feelings do matter, we just have to watch out what actions we take because of them... which to me, is just the responsible and aware thing to do. If you don't mind, kulosle, I'd like to pin this topic in the Asexual Q&A forum, because I think it is important to recognize and accept that not everyone feels the same way about sex. :)

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I dont mind if its pinned.

I suppose there probably are people that go about sex responsibly but that just hasnt been my experience. Although that kind of statement is self containing in that if someone was going about sex in a healthy way i probably wouldnt know about it. Negative cases are obvious and in your face. I guess those might be the minority but its hard to tell without diving deep into conversations i probably wouldnt be comfortable having.

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You can't really control your thoughts or feelings, they'll just happen. And it's OK to feel kinda negative about something. As long as you still treat others with respect, rather than as "lesser than", those thoughts don't hurt anyone. Human beings think terrible thoughts about a lot of other humans regularly. Thought crime isn't real though. Elitism isn't really feeling negative about sex, as it is acting negatively towards sexuals. It's important to respect a difference, even if you disagree with it, especially if seeking acceptance yourself.

And yes, there are many irresponsible and hurtful ways sex can be used. However, there are many safe and responsible ways as well. Sex in itself is just a thing, but humans can decide if it's used in a "good way" or "bad way" just like anything. And it can be healthy and good for those that desire it. But, for those who do not, it's the opposite of healthy. Kinda like any stress relieving activity, if it stresses you out, it's having the opposite result. So, I dislike the "sex is healthy and good for everyone" comments because that's not true!

So short answer: Is it bad? How can a thought or feeling really be "bad"? Especially if no one would know if you didn't tell them. They aren't really things we can control for the most part. You can try to work through them, if you are distressed by having them, but that is about personal growth towards your goal of who you want to be and not for us to judge.

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abbersthenerd

After discreetly buying my best friend three pregnancy tests in the past two years because their parents still think they're a virgin, I have a very mixed opinion about sex.

On the one hand, I wouldn't be here without it, as anyone who has basic knowledge of biology knows. On the other hand, I don't understand what the big deal is about it, besides the fact that without it, the species wouldn't be able to sustain a sizable population.

I guess I don't understand sexuals' attitudes toward it. I don't understand why my best friend didn't want her parents to know she'd done it. It's just a simple biological process, that happens in every species that reproduces in such a manner. I don't understand why people are embarrassed to buy condoms, and even more embarrassed to buy a pregnancy test. Don't these people know that if you don't use birth control, you're more likely to end up pregnant? That that's kind of the whole reason sex even exists, is for reproduction?

I don't get why people place so much emphasis on sex. It's a simple biological process, nothing more. Or at least, that's how I see it. It's how mammals, birds, most fish, most reptiles, in fact, most animals, reproduce. Why is it so different in humans?

It's when people start to see it as more than it really is that problems occur. Example: I was at school and the teacher's kids were there. We went outside and saw two toads that were mating. The kid asked what they were doing. I opened my mouth to answer. The kid's mom quickly said, "Oh honey, the big one's giving the little one a piggyback ride." Why couldn't she just say that they were mating? That's how the majority of animals reproduce: with a mate.

Sex isn't dirty or bad or shameful; it's a biological process for reproduction. People don't use it for that most of the time, but I don't really understand why someone would have sex if it wasn't for reproduction. What's the point?

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i am very much of the mindset that people's sex lives are none of my business and people can do what they want without me really judging them. the problem i have is people who are the opposite in their opinion of me, maybe doubting the validity of my relationship because they know i'm asexual. that's when my attitude to allosexual people is way more negative. i dunno, in my experience people who have a lot of sex/a constant sexual partner are way quicker to pass judgement on other people's sex lives than people within the asexual community and that's what i am very not positive about haha.

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But the problem is other peoples sex life has an impact on me. My house hold goes through an upset every time one of these poor decisions happens. My friends matter to me and its cant just say they are being stupid every time i think that. I guess i could just tell my friends to leave me out of all that stuff.

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Sex is basically like anything else, in the perspective that it is both good and bad. Rather it has the potential to be both good and/or bad. If you are responsible, and trust your partner, then it should be almost completely positive. If you aren't responsible, and your partner is a gossip or has a some kind of infection, then it'll probably suck. At least the aftermath will.

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ranting ferret

some of the way i work through is to set "rules" of treating sex. mainly: properly informed, genuinely wanting and consenting, lots of communication throughout. if the people involved are hitting these points, i don't want to know about their sexy times, but i'm not gonna tell them they're wrong.

if someone i care about is considering sex, etc. but doesn't really know what they're getting into, i'd want to talk to them about it. not because they are a bad person, but i want them to be safe and have information to avoid getting hurt in some way.

i don't think being "sex-positive" means you have to get excited about all form of the thing. (some people do and it freaks me out). but being supportive of their physical, mental, emotional health is important. and as a another personal rule, i just limit my discussions (if they must happen, which is rare, because, yuck) with friends, people i've invested time with on other topics and parts of life as well. so they know i don't think they're bad, i just might thing they're being temporarily stupid.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Serran brought up a good point - the beauty of sex is in the eye of the beholder.

I'm what you'd call sex-neutral at this point. It's good for those who like it, but I've read about the many ways that it can hurt people and ruin lives as well. I've also read about the body fluids and gross smells involved and that tips the scales toward the negative, too.

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I'm pretty neutral to sex. I do believe that if it comes as a response to an emotional bond it is perfectly alright. Not so much if it's just physical and people are not mindful of the consequences. I sometimes think about that movie, Idiocracy, and fear that's where humanity is heading towards. Scary.

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I'd rather be in band.

I'm sex-negative, but I don't shame sexuals. I wonder things like, "How do they feel okay with that?" but then I remember that that's how they feel. I can't change how they feel, and I certainly don't like it when people question my asexuality. I think it's fine to be repulsed by sex, so long as you don't ridicule or question sexuals in an invalidating manner. It doesn't make you a bad person if you're disgusted by things.

I mean, I'm disgusted by orange juice, but I don't insult people who drink it. It's really all about what you say, how you act, and what you do.

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I used to be sex positive, but, gradually, I became more negative. Recently, after a horrible experience with a sexual obsessive (no sex involved), I am completely sex-negative. I can't stand any mention of it. Everyone else can do what they want, but keep it as far away from me as possible.

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I'm basically indifferent about sex. My friends' sex talk doesn't phase me, but they rarely discuss things like that with me because they know I'm just not into that, and I can't really offer helpful sexual advice or whatnot because I have no experience in it.

People have strong biological drives to do things which improve the survival of the species. For asexuals, this particular drive is far lower than the average. However, if we want to understand "Why would a sexual person do X when they know X has really negative consequences?" maybe it's best to see the sex drive like any other physical drive. Granted, nobody will literally DIE without having sex, but to sexual people I've talked to, it can feel literally painful --- the phrase "blue balls" and the female equivalent are NOT figurative for very sexual people.

Let's compare that drive to one which almost all people DO understand --- food. Now, food is an interesting thing. We obviously need it to survive. But, at least in MY case (and I'm sure in a few other people's case as well), I eat far more than I need to live, and I eat a MUCH larger quantity of sweet things than my body will use (heck, we use cake as a "better than sex" reference). I love the taste of sweet things, but the essential survival instinct of "find food" gets distorted when we make things that never existed (refined sugar, cakes, breads) and have access to them in quantities that would be mind-boggling just a few decades ago.

The result? I gain weight and my body's health pays the price for my sweet addiction.

For some sexual people, the urge is so strong, it IS an addiction. There is the obvious "nymphomaniac" who is off the charts, but there are many more sexual people for whom the urge isn't QUITE that high, but it's more than strong enough to overwhelm their more rational decisions. Just like me going for that extra slice of cake --- it's not rational in the slightest, really, when I know how my body will respond to it.

I know a man who wanted to divorce his wife (they fought a LOT), but he was VERY sexual. So, his wife would come to the door, naked. Eventually he gave in and she got pregnant again. Rationally, he knew it was ridiculous, but from an addiction standpoint, he really couldn't "help himself."

There are actually AA style groups for sex and love addicts, but I've heard they often end up with people who mutually indulge their addiction. One guy I knew went to these groups solely to pick up women (he often succeeded), although it's like showing up to an AA meeting with a six pack of beer...

My point is that almost ALL people can be addicted to one thing or another. That's NOT to excuse coercion or far worse means of having sex with someone, by ANY stretch. I'm just offering a way to comprehend something that is, for us, incomprehensible.

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deleted_account

I'm sex-negative. I hate masturbation, I don't like sex, and I think I have the opposite problem of many people in that I seriously dislike cuddling. There was a time in my life where I participated and enjoyed all of these things, but that time is no longer. Maybe it's a problem of me having too much emotional baggage, or maybe I'm just disgusted at what I view as a culture of pathetic sentimentality and weakness. I'm bipolar, though, so in the past I've had issues of being hypersexual and engaging in enough risky behavior that now, since I'm older and more mature, seems just plain stupid and useless. I wish I liked sex, I think if I did I'd probably have more friends, but there's not much I can do about it right now. Maybe I'll revisit the topic in a month or two but for now I'm anti-sex.

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  • 2 weeks later...
LookingGlassAlice

I am not sure what constitutes being sex-positive? I think maybe I am neutral? I'm not bothered by sex scenes in books or movies, and don't really care what other people do in their private lives. I don't think differently of people for it. Just leave me out of it. Is it possible to be sex neutral/positive but be averse when it comes to yourself personally?

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So ive seen lots of people make stupid mistakes (in my opinion) because of sex. And the more it happens the worse sex looks. Im grey-a and i havent had sex. I use to be interested in trying sex, but now im not sure. The people i know havent exactly painted sex in a good light, no matter how much they preach of its glory. I find myself wondering if ill end up doing like wise. And its gotten me thinking less of sexuals as a whole. This i know is the slippery slope to asexual elitism. And i do think thats totally wrong. Trust me i dont think im better then sexuals. In fact i wish i was one. But some times some less then positive thoughta go through my head.

Well on one hand you shouldn't do anything that makes you uncomfortable or you think is just gonna make you miserable, on the other hand you're not all the people you know either and just because they didn't have a great experience doesn't mean you are going to have a bad experience as well.

I think be sex positive is a bit more than yay sex! have all the sexy sex with all the sexy people!1

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  • 2 weeks later...

There are other factors you might consider as well. For instance, I don't find the sex itself as distasteful as I do the *result* of the sex. The emotions that drive people to have sex are generally what we lack to be able to call ourselves asexual. However, those same emotions can do some strange and sometimes crazy things to people who are sexual. The result of having sex with a sexual person can sometimes be like releasing an emotional beast you don't understand. The person can become irrational, angry, overly sensitive to your words and actions... it could even cause deep feelings of love or attachment. If you're not ready to handle a lot of strong emotions, then it might be best not to try it.

Having said that though, (I'm going to totally contradict myself here), I think it's ultimately preferable to at least know what you're missing. If I'd never had sex, I'd have never found out that I just don't care much for it. Conversely, you might discover that you care more about it than you expected. It's always better to know than not, especially when it comes to who you are as a person!

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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm sex positive but there's something about sexuals that bothers me. Sex can destroy relationships, I mean every kind of relationship including friendships. I'm fascinated and at the same time scared by how much sex means to people around me and how it influences how we think about each other.

I find it difficult to understand how people in a love relationship can have sex with a good friend (cheating) which will destroy both the love relationship and the friendship. How is it possible that those feelings, which we as asexuals don't have, can create an urge big enough to do something like that? I can't get my head around it.

After sexually cheating on someone, people suddenly see each other as the devil and completely forget who they really are. Best friends suddenly become enemies. I understand the loss in trust but not this extreme change in how people see each other. Just because of sex...

I really don't understand it. And I'm still sex positive, but these things make me think about sex in a negative way. Apparently it's really important to sexuals.

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Yeah I understand. One of my favorite books talks about how well sex can bring people together and how beautiful it can be. And i agrer. I think its that im sex positive but sexuals negative, well at least a bit.

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Kuromi Akumura

After discreetly buying my best friend three pregnancy tests in the past two years because their parents still think they're a virgin, I have a very mixed opinion about sex.

On the one hand, I wouldn't be here without it, as anyone who has basic knowledge of biology knows. On the other hand, I don't understand what the big deal is about it, besides the fact that without it, the species wouldn't be able to sustain a sizable population.

I guess I don't understand sexuals' attitudes toward it. I don't understand why my best friend didn't want her parents to know she'd done it. It's just a simple biological process, that happens in every species that reproduces in such a manner. I don't understand why people are embarrassed to buy condoms, and even more embarrassed to buy a pregnancy test. Don't these people know that if you don't use birth control, you're more likely to end up pregnant? That that's kind of the whole reason sex even exists, is for reproduction?

I don't get why people place so much emphasis on sex. It's a simple biological process, nothing more. Or at least, that's how I see it. It's how mammals, birds, most fish, most reptiles, in fact, most animals, reproduce. Why is it so different in humans?

It's when people start to see it as more than it really is that problems occur. Example: I was at school and the teacher's kids were there. We went outside and saw two toads that were mating. The kid asked what they were doing. I opened my mouth to answer. The kid's mom quickly said, "Oh honey, the big one's giving the little one a piggyback ride." Why couldn't she just say that they were mating? That's how the majority of animals reproduce: with a mate.

Sex isn't dirty or bad or shameful; it's a biological process for reproduction. People don't use it for that most of the time, but I don't really understand why someone would have sex if it wasn't for reproduction. What's the point?

OMFG I FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE I AM NOT ALONE!!!!!!

I see things very much the same way as you ^w^ !!!!!!!! I AM SO HAPPY I DO NOT FEEL LIKE A OUTCAST ANYMORE!!!!!

I see the things i do not understand from the bioligical piont of view. But i get get called 'cold' 'robotic' ect for it -_- Have you ever gotten repsonses like that? " WE ARE NOT MACHINES YOU CAN'T SEE US LIKE THAT IT'S TOO COLD!!" " biology doesn't apply to human emotions or s*x!!" " there is more to s*x the science!!!" blah blah blah block. -sigh- i am so happy i found someoen who also sees it simular to me

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Kuromi Akumura

I'm sex positive but there's something about sexuals that bothers me. Sex can destroy relationships, I mean every kind of relationship including friendships. I'm fascinated and at the same time scared by how much sex means to people around me and how it influences how we think about each other.

I find it difficult to understand how people in a love relationship can have sex with a good friend (cheating) which will destroy both the love relationship and the friendship. How is it possible that those feelings, which we as asexuals don't have, can create an urge big enough to do something like that? I can't get my head around it.

After sexually cheating on someone, people suddenly see each other as the devil and completely forget who they really are. Best friends suddenly become enemies. I understand the loss in trust but not this extreme change in how people see each other. Just because of sex...

I really don't understand it. And I'm still sex positive, but these things make me think about sex in a negative way. Apparently it's really important to sexuals.

I get how you feel and think. My zucchini cheated on me with our friend who has a crush on him......i hate her now and never want contact with her again and i am still angry at y zucchini but i can't hate him......he said he doesn't know why he had sexual contact with her it just happened..but it widened the gap between us becuase of me thinking that he will abandon me becuase i am repulsed and don't want any sexual contact.....even to this day he says a part of time enjoyed what he did with her and that just triggers my repulsive attitude towards s*x. She lusted for him and he lusted for her and it left me being betrayed. I try not to hold it against him but i can't help but he so angry.....i keep asking him why he did it, why would you destroy our QPR liek that....-sigh- she doesn't see the issue with what they did.

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Kuromi Akumura

I'm sex-negative. I hate masturbation, I don't like sex, and I think I have the opposite problem of many people in that I seriously dislike cuddling. There was a time in my life where I participated and enjoyed all of these things, but that time is no longer. Maybe it's a problem of me having too much emotional baggage, or maybe I'm just disgusted at what I view as a culture of pathetic sentimentality and weakness. I'm bipolar, though, so in the past I've had issues of being hypersexual and engaging in enough risky behavior that now, since I'm older and more mature, seems just plain stupid and useless. I wish I liked sex, I think if I did I'd probably have more friends, but there's not much I can do about it right now. Maybe I'll revisit the topic in a month or two but for now I'm anti-sex.

wow i found someone who also hates m*sturbation D: i thought i was the only one.... well i lost allot of respect because of that view...

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I think it is alright as long as you don't force your views on anyone or turn into a militant sex negative crusader (if there is such a thing, but considering humans are attracted to extremes, such as militant {insert ideology of your choice here}, it might be possible). Personally, I'm only sex positive when it comes to the benefits that people can have health-wise and how it can help solidify normal non-aro ace relationships, but apart from that, I'm sex negative when it comes to sex being the most important thing in someone's life or the way it's portrayed in the media.

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Kuromi Akumura

I've been called ' sticking it down peoples throats' *cough* just like how they do to me *cough* but no i just have a strong defensive opinion and people try changing it and since they find my opinion rude they call me oppressive whatever.

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I like to call myself both sex positive and sex negative. Sex positive only when people are doing it in a consensual, responsible, respectful, and compassionate manner. I am sex negative when it comes to telling everyone about it, making a visual of it (like on television), writing books about it (50 shades of hell no). It just seems to be disrespectful and crude to put it out there for everyone to see and hear. And by putting it out there, it makes it less personal, intimate and special.

I guess being demi-grey, I find it revolting to think and see the world as a giant orgy. Instead, I would like to see the "love" part put back into "making love".

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