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Coming out...


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So, I'm a freshman in college and it took this past semester to figure out that I was asexual. Before then, I would talk about crushes and my "ideal guy" with my mom. Now I think I might be lithromantic in addition to being asexual. The last time I talked to my family on the phone, they asked if I'd met any more guys...and I said I was kind of done with them in an awkward way that made my mom ask if something happened. And I said not really, in an even more confusing way. I'm afraid she thinks I mean something bad happened...I'm coming back home for break in two weeks and I have no idea if they're going to confront me about it or if I'll end up in another kind of awkward situation (certain situations have become more awkward since I've known I was asexual). Just saying that I haven't met anyone or that I'm done with guys makes me blush and feel anxious, because I'm not telling the whole truth. I don't know if I should come out to them or just hold off until I've been without a boyfriend for so long that they ask if I'm not straight. Thing is, I don't really see my family much anymore...should I just not bother coming out? Mehh...I guess my question is, what's any advice or personal experience you can offer? Thanks! :blink::cake:

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WearingItLikeArmor

I haven't yet come out to my parents, and I don't plan to come out anytime in the future. I don't think that they would believe me or understand if I told them I am ace, so it's not really worth it to bother. Plus, I identify as demisexual, so on the off chance if I do actually end up with a guy then I don't have to explain anything. If I end up not being with anyone when I'm older, which I think is most likely, I'll just push off explaining why I'm not with anyone for as long as I can.

For you, though, it depends on your relationship with your family. If you won't be too distressed by remaining in the parents, then it might be worth it to stay in the closet because they don't see you that often. If you don't want to have to lie about your sexuality, or you want your parents to know about this aspect of yourself, then go for it and tell them. The best thing to do for now might be to just test the waters. Bring up asexuality in such a way that it isn't about your own sexuality, and see how they respond. If they respond well, then coming out might be something to consider. If they respond with something along the lines of "but asexuality doesn't really exist, though" then it probably isn't worth the effort to convince them. In the end, I'd say that you should try to do whatever you think will give you the least stress.

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Hello! I don't think I can really offer any advice, but I can relate to your wondering what to do. I am in my 40's and have never come out to my family. I do wonder if I would have come out if I'd realized my orientation 20 years ago, but there's no way to know that now. Part of my reasoning for not coming out is I feel like my sex life is private and isn't something they need to know. They do know I'm not interested in getting married or having children, but they don't know the whole truth, like you said. I am not sure there are any pros to me coming out to them as I don't think it would add anything positive to our relationship. I wish you the best in your decision.

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I think it depends on your situation. I can totally relate to feeling slightly guilty about not telling the whole truth, but I also was very against being out to my parents (for a variety of reasons). I decided to compromise and be semi-closeted. My family doesn't know about my asexuality and I doubt I'll ever tell them, but my closest friends know, and are there for me to confide in when I need someone to be honest with. My friends are super supportive, and having them know took a huge weight off my shoulders and allowed me to keep it from my parents. It works for me, but I have no idea how it would be for you.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck! :)

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I've come out to my mother and friends. While my friends have been insanely kind and respectful regarding my sexuality, my mother still has yet to comprehend it and invalidates it. My suggestion would be to just casually bring up the topic of sexual orientations to your parents the next time you speak to them, listen to how they react. If you think it's a positive reaction, then start talking to them about some sexualities that aren't well known like asexuality or demisexuality. Again, gauge how they react to it, and if they react positively, I would prep some informational material regarding asexuality and present it to your parents, be prepared to answer any questions they pose. However if your parents react negatively to your mentioning of sexualities in your phone conversations, as a last resort shut down. Don't talk about, if you have to wait for a couple of years to bring up the topic again then do so, if you feel like it can never be mentioned ever, then do that if you think it's necessary. If your parents happen to not be supportive of your sexuality then try turning to your friends or even the people on AVEN. I hope I offered you some acceptable advice, if you have any more questions feel free to ask.

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Thanks for all your comments ^^ I think I'm gonna try the testing the waters thing with them, but probably not tell them yet. I'll say I'm busy with schoolwork. I'm still working on telling my friends. I wish all of you guys well ^^

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